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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Would a wise woman ask?

Started by constantmargaret, July 06, 2012, 11:34:07 AM

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Doe

I think "fail" is a strong word if you give it a lot of strength.  For me, it's more a statement of fact: I was unsuccessful in what I tried to to with my son.  I'm not hanging my head in shame over this - in fact recognizing the truth of my situation is a bit liberating for me. 

I also failed at baking bread and a few other activities I've tried during my life but with those, I've just noted them and moved on for the most part.  This mom/son thing has been hanging me up for months while I sort out how much more of a mom I want to be for him.   In my case, my son and I weren't victims so it's somewhat different.

Anyway, it works for me to recognize my own failure and move on.

Pooh

I'm ok with saying I "failed" too at things.  I'm not a failure, but I did fail in many ways.  I failed my DS in some way to make him do what he is doing now.  It is beyond my control and maybe totally uncalled for, but in his brain, I failed him in some way by not being the Mother he wanted.  That's ok, because the difference between us is when I fail at something, I try again and learn from my mistakes which makes me a stronger, better person.  Guess what, he failed me too but he is not learning anything from it.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Pen

This thread has been very helpful to me, thank you all. The concept that I am not a failure even though I may have failed at a couple of things in life is going to take some getting used to, but like anything else if I practice long enough I'll get the hang of it.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

alohomora

I've read two pages of this and just wanted to add my two cents.

Very recently we've had some massive drama in the IL's family.

YBIL got involved and attempted to 'tell off' DH (his brother) and myself for perceived violations on our part towards our MIL.

I can tell you our relationship with him will never be the same, and its for the worse. What goes on between us and MIL is none of his business, and his approach of accusing us of poor treatment of MIL, and espcially not bothering to ask our side of things, has caused a huge rift I doubt we'll recover from.



alohomora

edit: I'd also like to state, the deterioration in our relationship with YBIL is directly a result of his hearing horrible stories about us from MIL for years.

My own mother had five children and though I know and would see her sometimes going through rough times, I never once heard her complain/instult/accuse one of my siblings. she'd talk to her sisters, her friends, her husband, but not pit one child against the other. I hope I can be that sort of mother one day.

luise.volta

A - There is nothing more cruel than righteous abuse. I'm so sorry that happened. The truth of the matter is what I was told by a very wise woman a long time ago: "What you think of me is none of my business." Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama