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Would a wise woman ask?

Started by constantmargaret, July 06, 2012, 11:34:07 AM

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constantmargaret

Luise, I think my husband would have a problem with the Rent a Hunk idea.  ???

The good news is that my husband is a hottie. Many people remark that he looks like Val Kilmer in the movie Heat (before Val got porky). I think he looks better than that. He's tall and gorgeous and has the most amazing platinum hair. He looks like he belongs in a Mercedes commercial or an LLBean catalog modeling rugged outdoor apparel.

My X is a short, fat, bald, apopleptic creature with bad teeth who looks like a tick about to pop. He can't stand that I am happy. If he would stop trying to hurt me, I would actually feel sorry for the man.

Begonia, no one will ever apply the description "friendly" to me and him. The best I can do is take your advice and act like he is not even there. And that's probably the worst thing you can do to someone who is desperately trying to bring you down. Completely ignore their existence. 

Keys Girl

CM, I was once told by a guy that the thing that men hate the most is being ignored.   Rock on!

Have a great time at the wedding!!

"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

Begonia

Luise:  Please send name and address of Rent-A-Hunk...there must be some event I have to attend..... 8)

CM:  I know what you mean about X drama. My XH has continued to be in love with me and always seeks me out...I will say that the day I divorced (1974) him he stopped drinking and became a pretty good father, so it's easier than if he still were horrible and making a drunken mess of everything. That would be very tough. But I ignore him and it works fairly well. 

Carry on, wise woman,,,you can do it!!!  Good for you to have a hunky partner!!

Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)

luise.volta

Hey! You're home free! (Do you ever rent him out?)  ;D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

constantmargaret

Haha!! You brazen hussy!!

I'd be afraid I'd never get him back!


luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Footloose


My X is a short, fat, bald, apopleptic creature with bad teeth who looks like a tick about to pop.


You made me bust out laughing, LOL!!!!!

Scoop

ConstantMargaret, I'm glad you're going to the wedding.  You would have made 4 people (your DS and FDIL) unhappy instead of 2 (you and DH).

Let us know what kind of situations you expect or are afraid of, and we'll give you words.  And don't forget to wear a special bracelet or pin to remind you that all of us at WWU are there with you!

luise.volta

July 12, 2012, 09:22:48 PM #38 Last Edit: July 12, 2012, 09:24:36 PM by luise.volta
From Scoop:"And don't forget to wear a special bracelet or pin to remind you that all of us at WWU are there with you!"

We branched off with that idea and I just split the topic, called the new one Possible WWU Items and put it under Grab Bag. I hope that works. It seemed to be creating a life of its own. Thanks, Scoop!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

firelight

Love the bracelet of reminder idea!

Constantmargaret, I am so glad to hear you have chosen to attend your DS's wedding with your handsome DH.  You never want to make you XH that happy should you not show up!   Besides, even if your younger DS is busy holding a grudge for now, this wedding and your other DS is between you and him.  You're his momma and no one should have enough power over you to drive that wedge between you.  I think it would be painful for the soon-to-be wedded DS if you weren't there. 

Showing up looking fabulous on your DH's arm is a perfect idea!  Smile smile smile!  have a wonderful time there.
Firelight

"When you allow life to flow... without struggle... your Soul is restored."   ~z2z~

constantmargaret

I'm very glad that I did not ask any of my other children to speak up for me. Thank you each one for steering me in this direction. Thank you for helping me see that this is the wisest course of action.  Now I actually can't believe I was really considering it. Just goes to show how crazy making it can all be.

My youngest son's rejection of me has nothing to do with me. I believe that. I know I am not the monster he wants to see me as. His accusations against me are false. Trumped up charges invented by his delusional father. There is no truth in any of this. Therefore, there is no logical reason for his opinion to hurt me. So why does it? I want to find the part of me that refuses to be logical and keeps on feeling the hurt and extract it, like a tonsil.

I'm going to go to the wedding expecting it to be nowhere near as bad or painful as I have been imagining. I'm going to use my Crest white strips and smile till my face hurts. I'm going to dance with my son and my grandson and my handsome husband, eat my cupcake, drink a toast to the happy couple, and leave with my dignity. I'm going to find that special piece of jewelry and know that you will all be there with me in spirit ....

Doe

Quote from: constantmargaret on July 14, 2012, 09:35:32 AM
My youngest son's rejection of me has nothing to do with me. I believe that. I know I am not the monster he wants to see me as. His accusations against me are false. Trumped up charges invented by his delusional father. There is no truth in any of this. Therefore, there is no logical reason for his opinion to hurt me. So why does it? I want to find the part of me that refuses to be logical and keeps on feeling the hurt and extract it, like a tonsil.

I'm sort of walking this path with you a little, CM, but my son's trumped up charges were invented by him and his wife, not someone else.   

Maybe you don't have to have any more reason for why it hurts than it just does.  Just let it hurt and stop trying to be logical.  I think my hurt has finally turned into frustration and the realization that I did fail big time in raising my son to be the man I thought he could be.    I did the best I knew how to do and I failed.  The other son turned out to be a great man, for what it's worth.  But there are other things in life I've failed at and I still keep going, trying to life life the best I can.

constantmargaret

Failed is a strong word.

I think more and more that our children grow up to be who they are and not who we raise them to be. Sometimes when they grow up to be the kind of person we approve of, we think we succeeded, but it's really just a coincidence. When they grow up to be rotten, we think we failed. But how do you explain why some kids turn out great and others rotten when you raised them all the same?

So even though my youngest son is being hateful and rejects me and believes terrible things about me, I don't feel like I failed to make him the person I thought he could be, because I have 5 others who are growing up ok. I just feel like he's on a rough journey and I need to get the heck out of his way or I'm going to get knocked down. Ok I already got knocked down, but I'm a fast learner. Staying away from him has been sad for me, but it's my new job as his mother. My job now is to take care of myself, so that if he ever does come around I'll be in a good place to reconcile, and if he doesn't, I won't have wasted years being unhappy. My job is to let him grow up.

My goal is to let him go with love and without rancor and try to remember what it is I love about him. My goal is to forgive his youthful arrogance, stubbornness and meanness and remember that he is a victim as much as I. My goal is to be patient and let time do its thing.

Thanks for letting me babble.

Elise

Margaret and Doe - Sure we are their moms, we raised them instilling certain values, etc. Whether those lessons 'took' or not are not in our control.  We ushered them to the door to adulthood and the choices they make from there are their own choices.  I do not believe we are to take credit if things go well from there or take blame from ourselves or anyone else if they do not. The older ideas that everything is laid at the mother's doorstep are no longer operative in the fields which study such phenomenon for the most part -now it is acknowledged there are many others factors and influences at play - as in parental alienation you mention from ex husbands, culture in general, peer groups to name a few. The parable of the prodigal son illuminates the pain we feel at the loss of our beloved sons in the way we knew them and is as old as life itself I think. It also speaks to readying ourselves for the time which may come when they may return to us.  You are both so right about the work we must continue to do in hopes of that day, so that we are ready when it comes. If it never does, we also have prepared ourselves to continue without allowing the loss to embitter us to the love and beauty of life around us daily if only we can develop eyes to see.  It is enough and even perhaps the way it is meant to be. You are both brave and wise and honest and you have beautiful hearts.

Keys Girl

I don't believe the word "Failure" is an option here, maybe for an eye exam to keep a driver's license, but not when it comes to the mothering we did, no matter how things worked out.

I think it's important to remember that we are talking about ADULT children, and they have made many of their own choices that have fed into the equation of the circumstances as they are today as well as their friends, our ex's, their girlfriends, wives and anyone else who has an agenda to fulfill, influenced them or they used those people as a convenient excuse to hang resentments that they aren't living the lifestyle of the rich and famous.

Given the ridiculous expectations that everyone has that mothers be a quasi Mother Theresa, which I for one am not prepared to full fill, that's another current we have to swim against.

Doe, you did the best you could as we all did, and despite the fact that many of us are estranged or dealing with very difficult circumstances, if you read the replies from the WW on this board, you can read about the type of character that these people have when you read in between the lines.  We all did the best we could, and I wouldn't for a second accept the premise that any of us failed.  There's an old saying that if your children are half the parent that you were then they will be doing pretty well.  It's a handy dandy crutch to point the finger at Mom and say "It's all your fault", Fiddlesticks!! 

Failure to launch is a big problem with this generation, I often think of the 16 and 17 year olds who fudged their ages to enlist, to go off and fight, get injured or die the Second World War, and think to myself, somehow I can't see them stepping up to the plate, which saddens me.

It is very hard to let go and deal with the immense disappointment of an adult son or daughter for so many reasons, but they have time on their side and we don't, as Robert Frost wrote "I have miles to go before I sleep", and while my son may not have chosen to accept and emulate the values that I strived to hard to teach him and to give him as an example, that's his choice.  My choice is how to live every single day of the rest of my life to bring me every piece of joy and fun. 

Nobody here is a failure in my opinion.  There's no report cards in Mothering, but if there were, we would be getting some pretty good grades.  We tried our best, some of us were single parents, we didn't sell the kid to a wandering minstrel during the terrible twos (we get big marks for that) and we endured those teenage years when we wished we HAD sold the kid to the wandering minstrel.

By the very nature that we are on this wonderful site speaks to our desire to try to understand, repair  relationships or protect ourselves from family or anyone else in the circle of our AC so we ain't anywhere near the "F" word.

KG

"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown