Would a wise woman ask?

[Doe]

I guess they'll have to find me in a corner drooling before they'll believe I'm not Wonder Woman.

Whoa,  hopefully, this is not the goal you're working toward...

I think I would rather just not need them than convince them how much I need them.

[constantmargaret]

Haha.

I don't need them. I would like them to show some support, that's different. If I don't get it from them, I'll find it elsewhere.

My DH is at the point of saying he wouldn't ask any of my kids for the time of day.

My experience with my kids by my second husband is like getting a big present and unwrapping it and finding a smaller present. You unwrap that one and the presents get progressively smaller until you get to the smallest possible box and when you open it, it's empty.

I guess to be really fair, something I couldn't do yesterday, I have to understand why they wouldn't volunteer to be the next one in the cross hairs.

As far as the future goes, I'm pretty sure I won't be investing as much energy into my relationships with my adult children. I'm willing to leave the door unlocked, but not wide open.

[luise.volta]

I'm pretty sure my son, Kirk, (our Webmaster) still thinks, at 57, I am Wonderwoman but I am very suspicious that he has redefined it as the years have gone by. 

[Monroe]

Margaret - I have to vote with all the others - - - big mistake to ask the other kids to advocate for you.  That puts them in the middle, forces them to choose sides -  - something we all strive to avoid doing to our kids, although usually it is in the context of not wanting to put a DS in the middle between us and a DIL. 

Let me float a thought - - - how do you know that they (at least some of them) are NOT standing up for you to him???  They just might be.  Just not reporting back to you about it. 

You said that two daughters asked to see the FB message and/or letter, and were appalled.  You said:    "Both daughters were speechless at the venom expressed and the nature of the accusations he made against me. One daughter burst into tears and said, "He's just saying what Dad always says about you! Dad's telling him those things. I have never read anything more terrible and untrue in my life!"

I would wager that these two daughters have in fact further discussed little brother's behavior  between themselves, and have probably gone to bat for you with him.  Probably unsuccessfully, since he is, I believe you said, and 18 year old - still in high school.  There's not much getting through the thick skull of an 18 year old boy - but I imagine they have said to him something like - - "Hey, Tom, cut Mom some slack.  She did her very best, and you're not being fair to her."

Now, being an 18 year old boy with, of course he doesn't get it.  He might not for another 10 years or more - but that doesn't mean that they didn't TRY.  They just wouldn't have mentioned it to you - especially since they didn't succeed in getting him to be fair.

Think about it - your friend who did speak up to immature son for you - she didn't mention it to you.  Didn't come boasting to you about how noble she had been.  She only talked to a third party, who was the one who told you about it. 

Your daughters may very well have stood up to your son for you - they're just not bragging about it because they want it all to go away, and being in the middle is not comfortable for anyone.   

Anyway - it was just a thought - so why not assume the other kids HAVE stood up to immature son for you - they just aren't discussing it with you.  Just working on him and hoping he will grow up some day. 

For all I know, our son HAS stood up to his wife on my husband's and my behalf (other thread) - he just doesn't tell us he has - because it would open a can of worms. 

Go to the wedding, enjoy it, and assume everyone else there knows what sort of person your Ex really is, further assume that all your children except the youngest bone-headed one very much support you and stand up for you.  I think it is not realistic to expect them to make a production of it in your presence, or to brag to you later about how noble they were.  Perhaps they are quiet diplomats.   

Best wishes.

[constantmargaret]

You could be completely right about that. Either way, what I have to do is let go of the expectation, or rather, the wish that one of them would rush in like Dudley Doright and save the day.

Thank you for your perspective. I never thought of it.

I feel much better about the whole thing today, kind of back at ground zero. The news that somebody batted for me yesterday opened some kind of emotional floodgate.

I know my relationship with my son is my problem. Wishful thinking got the better of me, I guess.

[pam1]

That happens, constantmargaret.  Glad you are feeling better today.

[Keys Girl]

I have 6 kids. I have mostly good relationships with them except for the youngest, who has been brainwashed by his father. We haven't spoken since December and the last letter I got from him ordered me not to contact him. Fair enough.

Would it be acceptable to come for the vows and skip the reception?

Would it be wrong to drink heavily before the wedding? 

Would it be wrong to use a stun gun on my X?

Would someone please slap me?

Constantmargaret, despite all the hassles with the youngest son (brainwashed by the ex) I wouldn't involve any of your other children, because I think it would jeopardize your relationship with them and that would indirectly have come via your ex, who wouldn't mind a bit if your lost those relationships because his brainwashing spread around.

I would suggest that you forget that your youngest son exists, because right now he is only a pawn of his father.  I would go to the wedding and have as much fun as possible and enjoy your relationship and the joy with your other children.  Let the Pawn Boy see you enjoying your life and your children which will no doubt be sent back to your ex, but as the old saying goes "Never let them see you sweat", and I think it's very important that all of your other children not be penalized because of their sibling.

My ex told lies about me to anyone who would listen after I decided I was getting a divorce.  Some of the lies were so horrible that the people who heard them wouldn't repeat them to me.  I was of course distract but a wise woman told me "What fools believe is no concern of yours".  Over the years I have found that a head held high in the fact of ridiculous accusations is the best defence.  Eventually the lies and liars get found out and the only people who still believe the baloney are the aforementioned fools.

I'm so happy that 5 out of 6 of your children still have a good relationship with you, perhaps one day the prodigal son will come out of the "fool" category and perhaps mine will too.

In my mind the squabble is between you and your ex, it's another tactic he's using to get back at you in my opinion.  It would be nice to have someone to come in and slay the dragons who prey on their children in an effort to extract a measure of revenge whether it's big or small against the mothers of their children.

So, my advice is "put your big girl panties on" and dance up a storm at the wedding, and cherish all the other children who have been so wise to ignore the dragon's lies, which have surely been passed on them at some time or another because 5 out of 6 is an amazing batting average.

KG

[Doe]

I know my relationship with my son is my problem. Wishful thinking got the better of me, I guess.

Consider thinking that your relationship with your son is his problem - maybe?

[SCW]

I wish I could "like" something.  I would like that 100 times, Doe!

[constantmargaret]

You're right, 5 out of 6 ain't bad. I have to stop being such a perfectionist.

And Doe is right, it's his problem. You have a problem with me, it's your problem, kid.

I'm going to go  this wedding, wear the fun new dress I bought and the cute gold wedges, have my hair and nails done and wear false eyelashes. Maybe I'll even have my teeth whitened at the dentist next week so that everyone will notice my brilliant SMILE!! My XH will be there. He can eat his heart out.

Have I told y'all lately that I love you?

[luise.volta]

Loven' you right back, CM! 

[Begonia]

CM:  Remember, it's just one event and it won't last that long, and all the guests will see you at your best.  I divorced my XH in 1974 and I have had to endure every wedding, baptism, graduation, etc. etc. with him right there (with his present wife) since then.  The funerals of my parents, his parents.  I put on a good face each time, even for pictures with XH (at AC weddings).  My AC have always loved that there is no drama between XH and me (though I am very sick of having him in my life).  I always tell myself, "It's only two hours, etc."  I do like knowing that my GK have seen that even if you are divorced you can be friendly. 

So glam it up and look sensational and ignore your XH as if he is not even there.  Be the wonder woman that they all know you to be and best wishes!!   

[luise.volta]

I would also contact Rent-a-Guy, arrive on the arm of a clock-stopper and pay him extra to look 'besotted.' Yup!

[nikncon]

Luise you always have the greatest ideas.You must of been quite the party animal in your younger years.Hope that I have your sense of humour  and your class if I reach eighty.Hugs Nik.

[luise.volta]

I have never been a party animal but I have a silly streak a mile wide, Nik.