Would a wise woman ask?

[constantmargaret]

I have 6 kids. I have mostly good relationships with them except for the youngest, who has been brainwashed by his father. We haven't spoken since December and the last letter I got from him ordered me not to contact him. Fair enough.

Problem is, he hates me for reasons that are lies his father told him. All of my other children know what kind of person their father is, but they all tolerate him to keep family peace. 

Recently, a friend of mine saw my son at a graduation party and asked him how's your mom. He told her he didn't speak to me. She said to him, "I heard something about that, and I don't know much about it, but your mom's a great person and an awesome mom, so I hope you get over it." And walked away.

When I heard she did this, from another friend, I was elated. I wrote her and told her she is my hero. Now I'm all torn apart because not one person in my own family is willing to go to bat for me like that. They've all said the same thing...he's just a stupid kid...don't let him ruin your day......he'll come around some day....But all the family events until that some day arrives(if it ever does) are going to be tainted for me. I wish I could just ignore him and his hatred, but I'm simply not hard wired like that.

I find myself not wanting to attend my older son's upcoming wedding, partly because I don't want to subject myself to my arrogant YS and my vile XH, and partly because it seems to me like my other kids are disloyal, or cowardly, or uncaring. If any of my siblings ever treated my mother the way my son has treated me I would tear them to pieces.

I have been toying with the idea of asking my older kids to speak on my behalf to their brother. Nobody has taken it upon themselves to do so, so would it be foolish to actually ask them as a group if anybody would be willing to step up?

I know it opens another whole can of worms. What if nobody comes forth? Will I then be setting myself up for more hurt? Will they all resent being asked?

My wish would be to have some sort of truce before the wedding, so I don't dread going, but just in typing this out, I see how unlikely that is. It would hurt my son and his fiancee if I skipped the wedding. I'm sure it would be seen as selfishness. But it will hurt me to go. And it would hurt me not to go. You can see I am dizzy from trying to wrap my head around this. I'm also tired of sucking it up at birthdays and graduations.

I guess what I'm asking is--would it be a bad idea to send my 5 older adult children a letter, asking them if they could perhaps talk to their brother about the rift in the family?

I'm feeling like my XH and all my kids are on the other side of the Great Divide, and I am here alone having to go into enemy territory just to attend what should be a happy event. If I knew how to induce acute appendicitis I would do it that day to have a legit excuse for not going.
Would I be wrong to explain just how painful it would be for me to be in the presence of my (I'm sorry this is dramatic) mortal enemy XH and a  child who hates me?

Would it be acceptable to come for the vows and skip the reception?

Would it be wrong to drink heavily before the wedding? 

Would it be wrong to use a stun gun on my X?

Would someone please slap me?

[pam1]

LOL Constantmargaret!  About your last questions, those were funny.

Honestly, I would not involve anyone else in this.  It would probably make it worse.  One of the reasons my DH is angry at his mother is for involving his siblings.  The ones who did take up the torch -- well, DH talked to them, they saw another side.  However, the rift is close to irreparable now between his mother and him.  He also doesn't have warm and fuzzy feelings for the siblings who spoke to him.  I asked him recently did he care to patch up those relationships and he said no, they are gossipers and like to gang up on people.  He doesn't have an interest in them.

So, no.  Definitely in my experience it would go pretty negatively. 

[Doe]

1. But all the family events until that some day arrives(if it ever does) are going to be tainted for me.

2. Would I be wrong to explain just how painful it would be for me to be in the presence of my (I'm sorry this is dramatic) mortal enemy XH and a  child who hates me?
3. Would it be acceptable to come for the vows and skip the reception?
4.Would it be wrong to drink heavily before the wedding? 
5.Would it be wrong to use a stun gun on my X?
6.Would someone please slap me?

1. I would take them one by one.  Who knows, maybe one day you'll be filled with insouciance and have fun at one of these.

2.  I think you shouldn't explain.  The ones you want to explain it to probably won't get it and won't know how to handle the raw emotion.  The ones who would understand already understand.

3.  I think whatever you want to do is just fine and this might be a really good idea.  If you change your mind, you can always stay.

4.5.6.   

[lancaster lady]

During my battle with my DIL , my DD got involved bigtime , now her relationship with her DB will never be
the same . I feel it's my fault , even though I asked her not to get involved , as she didn't like her FSIL anyway
I think she found the excuse to make her feelings known .
My DS has never forgiven her , they had a great relationship before , really close .
So I would keep the battle between you and your DS .
You should attend your older Ds's wedding , how hurtful for him not to .
Can you go with someone for support ?

[SCW]

Dear Constantmargaret,
It is good to see that you can keep a sense of humor about this subject. 
I hope you do not choose to involve your children in this rift between your DS and yourself.  They will feel like you are asking them to take sides and that is not fair to any of them.  When you are long gone they will need to rely on one another and you would not want to ruin their chances at happy sibling relationships.  And if they were not to speak for you they would feel like they were letting you down.  That would create problems for all of you.

I have, however, in the past asked my own siblings how I should handle the situation with my AC.  They give some good advice, some of which I had already used before I spoke with the Siblings, I was able to let my siblings know I had tried that.  They are actually closer to my AC then I am, geographically and emotionally.  I feel like my siblings had some insight, since they have children of their own ( if not AC yet.)  I would never ask them to speak to AC for me, though.

My parents, I have kept out of the entire thing.  I love my DP, but our own relationship has been rough in the past and I don't want to put that stress on them.  Besides, DF would say it's none of his business or don't get him involved.  I think because he loves us all.

I guess what I am trying to say simply is that you will really be asking anyone to take sides if you ask them this one favor.
Hope and Love to you <3

[constantmargaret]

Sigh.

I think I knew this all along. Thank you everyone for your wisdom.

LL I know how hurt my son would be if I skipped the wedding. My husband will be there to support me, but he's already so furious about the situation that I'm afraid that if anyone so much as looks at me sideways he'll pile drive them into their lovely outdoor golf course wedding venue. 

I guess this boils down, like it usually does, to expectations not being met and the disappointment that comes with it. For the record, I would not care about a relationship with anyone, sibling or not, who talks trash about my mother and treats her like a leper. I always agreed with the saying that all that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing. By not saying anything in my defense, they are making their statements. I guess asking for support from them is like trying to milk a fish.

This situation is the catalyst that has spurred my husband and me to sell the home I raised this family in and move far far away. If I'm far enough away, I'll have a legitimate reason for declining all command performances. I won't have to think about running into these people called family in this stupid podunk town, half of whose residents are related to my xh, and faking a closeness I don't feel. I feel closer to my 5 foot 2 105lb. friend who stuck up for me to my great big scary 6 foot 200 lb. son than to my other wishy washy little fence sitters. My YS turns 18 this fall. Then I'm outta here. Staying here, I will only be faced with more of this drama.

I'm sure I'll be here puling and fretting about the upcoming wedding. What to do about pictures? I don't want to be difficult but you'd need the stun gun to get a picture of me with my XH. Maybe I'll put a pair of billybob teeth in my clutch and wear them in all the pics.

Maybe if I make a complete fool of myself by pole dancing in the post and beam reception hall, or make a long and emotional speech, my kids won't invite me to anything in the future?

So does anyone know how to induce acute appendicitis?

[luise.volta]

My take is I wouldn't ask my other children to do anything. You will only compound the problem. Your son is learning about life. He has been lied to and deceived, based his father's treachery (someone he should have been able to trust.). There is a lesson for him there that is his to work through on his own when he is ready. A treacherous, lying boss, neighbor or even spouse may come his way. You are not the major wronged party, as I see it, he is. It is his to sort through and it isn't over 'til it's over. He may eventually work his way though it and appreciate you even more. Sending love...

[Doe]

I liked your idea about going to see the vows and begging off for the reception - that's when the pictures are taken, right?  Maybe plan some nice outing with your husband afterward?

[constantmargaret]

Luise, thank you for reminding me that my son is a victim of my XH's lies, just like I am. And realistically, he is a child still. You're right that I am not the major wronged party this time. I have to remember my son is just parroting my despicable XH's delusions, he is not the originator of them.

I've been in so much pain and so angry I can't see beyond my pathetic self.

This has helped me tremendously. Thank you everyone for screwing my head back on. I will go to the wedding and stick my chin out as far as it will possibly go. Even if nobody else thinks so, I have nothing to be ashamed of.

[pam1]

You mentioned DS trash talking you?  Does he talk to his siblings that you are aware of?  I assume then they would speak up, but probably wouldn't tell you in order not to hurt your feelings. 

[constantmargaret]

Pam I don't know if he talks about me to his siblings. I do know, however, that 2 of my daughters have read the scathing letters he wrote to me. I told them that he and I were not on speaking terms and they naturally wanted to know why. I told them he had sent me a nasty FB message and they asked if they could read them. I let them. Maybe that was ill advised. I don't know. Both daughters were speechless at the venom expressed and the nature of the accusations he made against me. One daughter burst into tears and said, "He's just saying what Dad always says about you! Dad's telling him those things. I have never read anything more terrible and untrue in my life!"

I know without a doubt his father is behind it. While my son may not be actively talking trash about me, he said it in his letters. And my other kids know. Word spread between them pretty fast. And now they're silent. Well, you know, dad pays for that one daughter's car, and has promised to do work to another's home, and is giving another money for a ride home to another for the wedding, I could go on......so as my DH says, they've all sold their souls to the devil. They can't rock the boat because their perks will dry up. I find it all disgusting. My husband just wants to take me away from all this.

I think my older kids all love me. I just think they are weak. My youngest son, well the jury is still out.

Perhaps they don't want to hurt my feelings, but nobody talks about the situation. My feelings are already hurt, I would rather know what they think. I just want to declare, if you're not for me, you're against me!

I know I can't.

California, here I come.

[not like the movies]

I have an acquaintance named Guido...........LOL

My vote is NO. I did not go to a super important family event just because I could not deal with.
The event went on without me just fine. Everyone lived and survived.

[Doe]

My new theory is that some AC still expect their parents to be bigger than life, bigger then them.   They don't understand this rite of passage you're going through unless they have AC of their own who are doing similar things.  I don't know that they are weak, but more unexperienced in handling the situation.   If they could have helped you, they probably already would have, right?   Maybe there are parts of our lives and feelings that are best unshared with our offspring.

[constantmargaret]

Yes Doe, I don't think they can fathom me truly needing help. 

They don't want to see me weak, or needy, or vulnerable, so they refuse to believe me when I tell them I need support.

I guess they'll have to find me in a corner drooling before they'll believe I'm not Wonder Woman. I don't want to speculate how much help they'd be though.

[SCW]

Two things I have learned over the years;
1.) Our AC have to make their own mistakes, we cannot protect them from the world or themselves.  We can only be there to pick up the pieces when they fall, if they will allow us.

2.) Until they change, they will believe until the day we die that we are superhuman, without feelings, without weakness.  The day they see us as human is the day they realize we can die someday.  That is the day they begin to realize their own mortality. 

This I have found through my own personal experience with  DM and early on with DF ( he was near death when I was 16.)