Transitions are hard but they do help you keep your sanity

[luise.volta]

I've switched from 'gumption" to "perspicacity.' LOL!

[Smilesback@u]

I had to look that one up    I need both gumption and perspicacity to get the job done!   

[Scoop]

Smiles, I think you did a great job handling the situation.  I've written before about the book "The Dance of Anger" by Harrier Lerner.  She explains that under-reacting is just as bad as over-reacting.  That when we under-react, we end up building up resentment and then we explode and end up over-reacting to something minor.   But when we react appropriately, we feel good about our reaction, because we didn't over-react, but were not a doormat either.  I think you reacted quite appropriately. 

I can also appreciate that you're looking at the situation and seeing where you have to set yourself up for next time.  AWESOME!

You should still check out the book though, it's very insightful.

The thing I don't understand is why your kids LET you pay for everything.  When we were just starting out, our parents paid for our meals out because it was such a treat for us.  Now that we're more successful and Mom is on a fixed income, we pay for her as much as she'll let us.  (Shh, don't tell her, but we've even fudged some receipts so that it looks like things cost less, because she insists on paying us back.)  With my IL's we have to be trickier, but we still manage to 'treat' them once in a while.  However, as I'm writing this, I wonder if they find it insulting.

[luise.volta]

The last long, overnight trip we took was to see my husband's DD. We drove hundreds of miles and it was a hard trip for us to make. They were in a trailer because they were building, so we stayed at a motel. We went out to dinner and I assumed (there's that word that gets us all in trouble) we were their guests. Not so, they just sat there until DH picked up the check. We were so dumbfounded that he was still 'daddy' to her when they were close to retirement. They asked if we wanted to meet for breakfast and he said, no, we were leaving early in the morning...which we hadn't planned on doing. We toured their place and headed home. It wasn't the money, it was their assumption that 'daddy always paid' and our belief that we were their guests that tripped us up. Because of the distance, it was a one, time thing. I still make assumptions. A friend came recently from out of town for my birthday...we went out to eat and I was so into visiting I didn't notice the bill on the table. She did, and asked,  "How did you want to take care of that?" There I was, stuck in my assumptions again. What works for me, and it obviously took me a long time to get there...is to ask in advance, and I do. "OK, we're headed out to eat, lets figure out the money thing, now." And it works just fine.

[Footloose]

Sorry I must disagree on the fact that these issues are "no fault".  Come on, really?!  We raised these kids with the same values we have right now. 

[luise.volta]

FL - Again I ask that you soften it a little bit and refrain from such strong generalities. (Which I have modified.)  This is a Website that AC belong to, as well. Many of whom have gotten very little or no support from Mils, especially. To the contrary. Thanks.

[Smilesback@u]

Thanks Scoop for the book you recommended to me. I do need to check out how anger is such a BIG issue for me and my family.  As of today, I still have angst about my visit.  DS asked to borrow $$ of a downpayment on a house next year.  Younger DSs is giving one word responses to my emails.  Thank you for saying my responses were appropriate, and I see I am struggling with the consequences of my actions.  Why would they think I should pay?? Because I encouraged DSs to let me pay when they were in college, unemployed, and building a nest egg for a home.  The younger DS is still in college so I pay his way.  He offers to pay his share, as did his GF, which I declined and once or twice split with older DS.  That part went pretty well this visit.  My older DS/DIL however did not offer to pay their fair share, coupled with their not entertaining and I have a beef.  I am expecting that entertaining me is their norm, and so I will choose to find my own creature comforts elsewhere when we visit.  It will be awkward, and I think the ball is in their court to bring it up for discussion or live with it.  I just keep dwelling on it, and taking my focus away from living in the moment.  I am here now, at home, and needing to focus on my own health and happiness.  I am not going to quit, but I will take luise's suggestion and keep figuring out not only the money thing but sleeping arrangements and babysitting expectations ahead of time, for each and every visit we make to avoid hard feelings.  What else can I do?           

[Pen]

You're doing the right thing, IMO. I agree, focusing on your health & happiness is your first priority and having a plan in place before the next visit will keep expectations & stress to a minimum. Smiles, I think you're amazing!

[Doe]

I forgot, SB@U, are you retired?  If not, you can tell everyone that you're planning for retirement and have put yourselves on a strict budget - the alternative being that your children will support you down the line. 

DH and are still working but we've done that - we're on the budget we'll be on when we stop working in a few years.  It's a fantastic organizing tool and really helps when we have to decide about gifts, etc.  And you don't have to explain yourself beyond that to anyone.

[Smilesback@u]

Pen - I really like your feedback alot! Although I don't feel amazing, truthfully, other than knowing I can fight my way out of a bag.   I need to do more of what it takes to make me feel amazing and do less worrying about others' responses to my taking care of myself.  I have always liked the saying, We will love you until you love yourself - or some variation of that. 

Doe - I think your idea of pulling back financially due to retirement is acceptable to me.  I am not working as of June this year and we crunch the numbers and we don't need me to work from this point on.  I have worked all my adult life, and this is a big transition for me that I am ready to take on happily We are trying to sell our house and use the proceeds to help make up for me not working.  Next year DH will reduce to working half-time in his job.  Then when we reach full retirement age we can start our full retirement.   

Thanks to WWU friends for your support  -- I need it and will return it in kind.  Sending love