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Adult Daughter

Started by CAC, July 06, 2012, 06:11:35 am

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CAC

My 25 year old daughter and I have an ok relationship.  She is fine as long as I don't know what's going on in her life.  She lives about 8 hours away and has 3 children whom we adore.  We don't see them that often because of work and I have 2 other children who are still in school.  She and two of her children lived with us up until about a year and a half ago.  She just had her third with her new boyfriend 6 months ago and I was privileged to be in the delivery room just as I was with the other two.  My problem is that she keeps me at such a distance emotionally and the only way she likes to communicate is through texting.  If I call she doesn't answer so I don't call anymore.  I know she is trying out her independence since this is the first time out on her own and I totally understand that.  But she does communicate with her boyfriends mother who lives near me a lot more.  She seems to know more about what is going on with my daughter than I do.  My daughter never seems angry with me just doesn't want me to be a part of her life on a regular basis.  She keeps a lot of secrets from me which usually come out when someone else tells me.  I just don't understand the secrecy and truth be told she has done that for years.  She always has gravitated towards the families of her past boyfriend and current boyfriend.  She friended his entire family on facebook but blocks all of our family and when asked why she doesn't have a reason.  I don't want to know every detail of her life and she is entitled to privacey but facebook is where she puts all of our grandchildren's pictures and I would like to see them.  I asked her if I can't see them on facebook  if she would at least email me some once in awhile but I usually have to beg for them.  I guess I am hurt after all we have been through with her that she turned her back on us in a way that I don't understand.  We love her and only want the best for her and her family. 

luise.volta

July 06, 2012, 08:49:27 am #1 Last Edit: July 06, 2012, 08:55:51 am by luise.volta
Welcome - I hear you and so will many others on this Forum, I'm sure. I'm so sorry. What most of us have learned to face is that we can't make sense of the senseless...and that our adult children have the option not to meet our very reasonable expectations. We don't like either one of those discoveries, yet our peace lies in acceptance and moving on. That may sound simple but we don't find it easy. We (eventually) go there for survival. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

momnomore

I am sorry that your relationship with your DD isn't what you'd like it to be.  For some unknown reason sometimes our AC want to be independent of their parents.  Try to give your DD some space and in your own life get new interests and strive to have more fun for yourself.  Don't do like I did and make your kids your whole world.  It's devastating when they abandon you.  Enjoy the time with your GC.  It's a blessing to be able to see them.  Some of us don't even get that.  Best of luck to you. 

lancaster lady

Hi CAC and Welcome .

My daughter is 30 this year and single . She tells me '' You don't need to know everything ''
So what I do know about her friends and interests are just what she tells me , or what she allows me
to know .
However when she needs something I get accused of not helping her as much as her siblings !
Which is of course untrue , out of my three children , she has had more money , more support than
the other two .
I feel that as she has  created this barrier between us , why should I be all loving and all supporting without
question .
I really don't know the answer why our adult daughters want this type of independence . I am all for her being
a confident self assured adult , but at what cost to our relationship .
My DD has recently moved out again , so we have some breathing space , hopefully we will regain our friendship
once again .

I can only say give her the space she is asking for , if she's like my daughter , she will be asking for help
sooner than you think .

pam1

I am fairly close with my parents, but don't tell them a lot of personal stuff.  They didn't even know how I met DH until last year!  It was not because we were keeping secrets, it's just not something that crossed my mind to tell them. 

Maybe it's a personality thing?  Because I do know that if someone is pushy with me (or what I perceive to be pushy) then I shut their attempts down too.  Nothing to do with secret keeping, it's a personality clash on my end. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

pam1

Oh and Welcome CAC :)

If you haven't already done so, please read the highlighted topics in the category Open Me First.  We ask all new members to do so, not because there is anything wrong with your post. 

Glad you found us!
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

SCW

Hi :)
My DD cut me out of her life about 7 years ago, after I put a lot of money into the Wedding of her dreams, and I made her Wedding cake at the very end of having 30 radiation treatments.  For those who do not know, this completely drains you for months after radiation.
I am not welcome in her life at all, I do not get photos, or phone calls.  I might get lucky to see her and the GC at a family holiday celebration.  I always tell her I love her and I am proud of her, I try for a hug, usually to get shut out.  That is going to stop, as of now.
I have gotten a lot of feedback from the wonderful women here at WWU.  I have decided not to feed into her ego and not to let her see me cry.  I believe I have found acceptance with the way our relationship is going to be, only to find out my AS is also feeling the way she did, did she influence this?? She always has said she "raised him."  Not true, but that doesn't matter, I'm sure she had a big influence on his decision to cut me out now too.
And so we begin again, finding peace and seeking our own acceptance for our distant relationships. 
Read here, read lots.  You will find wisdom in other threads too.
Hope and Love to you <3
We also deem those happy, who from the experience of life, have learned to bear its ills and without descanting on their weight.
Junvenal

luise.volta

P - I think your point is well taken. We may be reticent to take the personality thing into consideration and it may a very important component to the overall issue. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Doe

I remember keeping some things from my parents because it would make all of us unhappy if they knew about them.   Your daughter sounds busy with 3 kids and confused about relationships.  Maybe if you are just a cheerful, safe, undemanding presence when she's around, she'll change her mind.

fwiw, I would not take Facebook activity as a true reflection of family relationships.  I know that is the trend but I refuse to let that code on a web page make me feel bad.

Didi.lost

I would stay away from texting as much as possible.  That is how I lost my
DD.  Things said get misinterputed.  And things are easier to say when not face to face, so some bad things may get said to you.  My DD was always secretive too.  Now some secrets have come out and I wish I didn't know.
I realized you just have to let them make their own mistakes....as hard as it is to watch because trying to confront them about their actions could
backfire onto you.
My DD also thinks her Brother got more than her and that is not true.  actually my DD was more spoiled than him.  I think that's the problem.
If she doesn't get everything she wants when she wants it, it's my fault.
So if she is still speaking to you although not as much as you would like,
I would be glad to have anything at this point and let her come to you.
She will.  The secrets she keeps from you is maybe her way of not wanting to hurt you. And I think Facebook is not a good place to be. Just my thoughts.  Hang in there and try to find new things to do that make YOU happy.

not like the movies

I am so happy not to participate in Fake Book.
I came to a place where I enjoyed the distance my daughter dishes out one or twice I year. It is like a vacation. I don't mean this to be insensitive but it's the truth. If you would have known me a few years ago you would have never suspected I was capable of saying this.
Welcome to the forum. It's a breath of fresh air.
When you pick up a stick you get both ends!

artlady

CAC  relationships with our DD's can come in all kinds of ways. My DD was very close until she married 2 years ago and had a baby 5 months ago. DD has gone from calling every day to multiple text and emails . I just think texts/emails are so impersonal and yes they can get so misinterpreted. Everyone is so in shock as they don't seem to understand her distance she has put between me and others . I'm learning to toughen this old heart, look to what I want in my life ( and with DH) and move on so not to hurt or expect anything from DD at this time in my life. It is a little like going through a divorce or a death ( only the one you are mourning is still very much alive ) . I"m not so sure DD is even aware of the change in herself or that she has hurt several close to her. WE have done so much for her as you did for your DD , so it is hard to feel all of that is unappreciated as it seems to be . I"m just " moving on up" as the song goes so hope you will be in a good place soon. I"m not there yet but I"m trying my best to get there.

Footloose

July 09, 2012, 09:03:29 am #12 Last Edit: July 09, 2012, 09:22:27 am by luise.volta
NLMovies,  Fake Book, LOL!!!  So true!

BTW,  we keep thinking that we did something wrong, we need to change our approach, we need to......STOP!

What we really must do is STOP blaming ourselves for something another person chooses to do.  THEY are the ones who have the PROBLEM.  They havta be quite nutz to throw away all you good souls!  My son has brain damage as his union to DIL appears to have caused a frontal lobotomy! So YES, he HAS lost his mind!!!

Wonder if effects from all the plastics, microwaves, acid rain, global warming could have added to his defects!!!!!

Hugs to all of you WW!  We just have to move on up!!!

luise.volta

FL - I just removed your description of AC from your last paragraph. Name-calling, especially derision described in medical terms, isn't seen here as productive. Thanks.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama