Feeling unwelcomed

[Pooh]

Thanks SCW.  It may all backfire in the end, but at least I'll feel comfortable knowing that I did my best to help them with their situation.  She's got a funny personality.  She will ask questions, she'll say things but there doesn't seem to be much follow-up.  I don't know how to explain it except to say like a couple of weeks ago, she mentioned she needed to find a hobby because she's bored (and I bet she is).  I asked her what kind of things she liked to do and she said, "I really don't know".  So I told her that I had several things in my craft stash if she wanted to try some things.  She asked me what kind of things.  I told her that I used to paint, and their were canvases, paints, brushes, easels, whatever she needed if she wanted to try that.  She snarled and said, I can't even draw stick figures.  I told her that I had cross-stitch stuff, crochet things, scrapbooking stuff (yes, I'm world's worse about having ideas, doing it for awhile and then getting bored.)  She laughed and asked where so I showed her all the labled totes in the storage area.  Told her to get out and go through whatever she wanted or we could go to a craft store and look around until something interested her.  She said ok.  Never got into any of them although I drug them out for her.  So like two or three days ago, she announced, I think I want to learn to crochet.  I told her that was great.  Showed her where all the needles were, told her I had bags of yarn or we could go get some more if she didn't like any of the colors I had.  Asked her if she wanted me to teach her some basic stitches.  Then told her that I only knew kind of the basics and if she wanted to learn more complicated stuff, my Mother was the expert on it (which she loves my Mother and visits her on her own at times).  She said Ok and I told her when she was ready, let me know and I would help her get started, or she could youtube! Lol.

Haven't heard anything since.  Does that make sense what I mean she asks alot of questions but never follows through?  And it's like that with everything, so I think that's just her personality.  I'm really having a hard time trying to figure out the balance of offering but not pushing.  And by the way, she's still a wonderful person, great sense of humor and I love her to death.

[Pooh]

Oh, and the Mother part.  I've been stepping back from that situation.  I'm not sure what the deal is.  I've not met her Mother face-to-face, but we've facebooked quite a bit.  She seems like a really nice person and FDIL loves her to death, but yet she backed out from coming to the gender ultrasound that she seemed excited about and asked to come to, with no explaination to FDIL.  FDIL was quite upset and didn't say much about it, but was very upset about it.  I'm not touching that one...Lol.

[Pooh]

And just you guys know, I do take your advice to heartt.  I think tonight I will try something different, like you guys suggested.  She mentioned a couple of weeks ago that someday I would have to show her how to make my taco soup.  Again, thinking I was doing the nice thing, I said, "Sure.  Whenever you want we can do that."  So I'm going to a baby doc appointment this afternoon with her.  I think I'll see if a little pushing will help.  Maybe saying, "Hey, I am thinking taco soup would be good tonight.  You good with me picking up the ingrediants after work and us making it, since you asked a couple of weeks ago?"

How's that sound?

[Footloose]

Pooh,  That sounds reasonable;)
She is lucky to have you in her life! Get off the eggshells?

hugs, my hero <3

[Pooh]

This one doesn't feel like eggshells.  It's more like trying to judge her personality and figure out how to work with it.  I seriously don't sit around fretting about it with her because she really is a good person and even though I am careful with her, she's not stressing me out...Lol.

[Scoop]

Pooh - I just had an idea, could your DIL be "nesting"?  So she WANTS to make something or DO something, but then doesn't know how, or it doesn't come easily enough, so she quits.

You can just feel free to post your recipe for taco soup, if you feel like imparting some wisdom on us (me).

[SCW]

Dearest Pooh, what a wonderful woman you are!
I found myself smiling at your posts.  I feel you are a very positive person, and DIL is so very lucky.

I think tonight I will try something different, like you guys suggested.  She mentioned a couple of weeks ago that someday I would have to show her how to make my taco soup.  Again, thinking I was doing the nice thing, I said, "Sure.  Whenever you want we can do that."  So I'm going to a baby doc appointment this afternoon with her.  I think I'll see if a little pushing will help.  Maybe saying, "Hey, I am thinking taco soup would be good tonight.  You good with me picking up the ingrediants after work and us making it, since you asked a couple of weeks ago?"

How's that sound?

I think she will be tickled pink!

[Pooh]

Well I took the advice and we'll see how this evening goes.  After baby doc appointment, before heading back to work, I threw it out there, just like I said I was going to.  She smiled and said, "Sure.  That sounds great."  We'll see if this works.  Thanks guys.

Scoop, you could be right.  I really don't think with some of the questions she has asked, that she's been shown much of how to do anything growing up.  It may take some actually just pulling out the crochet needles and yarn and plopping down beside her, handing her a set and going, "Ok, let's try this."  Her asking questions and showing interest in things may be her way of saying "Show Me", but then when I tell her to just let me know when, she chickens out.  I may have to try that if the taco soup thing works out.  (I'll go over to grab bag and post the recipe since I feel like I've already hijacked this thread)

Thank you SCW.

[pam1]

Awesome, Pooh!  And yeah, taco soup recipe would be nice to have 

[Grammie]

I went back to the beginning of this thread and was chuckling when I read the stuff about food. I have two sons. When YS got married I made the wedding cake.  DILs family was not well off and I used to do a good bit of cake decorating in my younger days.  When OS got married I agreed to make the wedding cake, to be fair and equal.  Now YS is divorced and OS won't speak to me.  I don't do food any longer!!!! 

[elsieshaye]

Pooh, I don't know if this is her situation, but I grew up always being told that my opinions and wishes were ridiculous, and didn't count, and every time I would try something new or have an idea it was shot down and I was told all the things that could go wrong.  It left me behaving similarly to what you describe - lots of questions and ideas, but no follow through.  My suggestion would be to not worry about fixing it, but just let her have the space to work through it on her own.  She knows where things are, and she's learning to trust that she can just talk and won't be pressured.  For me, I always got caught up in worrying that I was going to offend / hurt / disappoint / anger someone if I tried something they suggested, and I also just plain believed I couldn't do anything right.  Both of those things meant that I ended up spending time just observing and thinking and giving myself internal pep talks before I ever got to the point of doing something, and then never where someone else could catch me doing it.

[Pooh]

That's very good insight elsie.  I will keep that in mind as well.  Thank you.

It went very well.  I stopped and picked up what we needed, she met me in the garage and helped carry everything in.  We talked for a few minutes and then I told her, "When you are ready, I'm ready.  It will have to simmer 30ish minutes at a minimum."  She said, "Let's do this."  I started laughing and said, "I'm just supervising and more like just being your verbal cookbook."  I got my laptop, sat down at the kitchen table and said, "Ok, I have some cruise stuff to look at. I'll tell you what I do and you go for it."

She took over from there and I basically would just say, "You need the frying pan and the big soup pot.  Brown the meat first, etc."  She did it all and it turned out great.  We discussed some wedding "ideas" while we were hanging out that she had come up with.  (Yes, come Nov and Dec, I will need valium.  Baby shower, Thanksgiving, wedding and then birth 2 days later, then one week later Christmas!)  They have decided to go ahead and get married when he comes in for two weeks for the birth...yay me....Lol.

DH came in about the time she got it done and bragged about how good it was.  She smiled and said, "I call dishes!"  She followed through and did those as well.  She was tired and went up to her room after that, but about 15 minutes later she texts my phone, thanking me for showing her how to make the soup.  So it went very well.

[Grammie]

Pooh, she sounds very sweet.  So glad it's going well.  Congratulations on a job well done!

[Pooh]

Thank you.  She is very sweet.  She's texting me today, having a fit because YS just told her he wants to wear shorts, in December, to the wedding!!!  I simply said, "It's DH's fault."   Pssssshhhh.....avoided a conflict there   

[elsieshaye]

That's wonderful, Pooh!!!