Feeling unwelcomed

[Pooh]

Actually herbal, I would! Lol.  I think it would actually make the relationship or non-relationship much easier.  Not having to put up a false front and try to have a conversation with them, trying to be polite, would go out the window and make me more relaxed knowing I was just there to visit with the GK.  No walking on eggshells wondering if I was saying "the wrong thing" or made a face she didn't like.  I wouldn't worry about it if she let me off the hook and said something like that.  I could honestly go, "Ok, well good because I feel the same about you.  Glad we could be honest about it and not try to pretend."

[jdtm]

I could honestly go, "Ok, well good because I feel the same about you.  Glad we could be honest about it and not try to pretend."

If I had tried the above statement, our son would have banned us from seeing the grandchildren.  He would have immediately come to the aid of his spouse (as most would when a loved one is being or perceived to being "abused").  I believe that in most difficult situations, one of the parties so wishes the other would "mess up" and thus give a reason for complete estrangement - always looking and searching for an "I told you so" moment.  Walking on eggshells - always a tip that someone is "unbalanced" in the room and it usually is not the one "feeling" it.  At least, this was the way it was in our situation.  Anyway, just another opinion ....

[pam1]

herbalescapes, while I'm a big talk it out person, I rarely have any problems with someone else    Or enough of a problem with someone to make it a problem, kwim? 

My point of view comes directly from my in laws and observing their dysfunction.  Before bearing the brunt of it myself, I noticed the drama, gossip and chaos that surrounded them in nearly every interaction with each other.  I assumed that it was old family feuds at first, but after a while it became clear that this was all manufactured or exaggerated or blown out of proportion in one way or the other. 

After a few years of things that they obviously found offensive about me, interesting enough no one would approach me directly, they would do the same stealth gossiping and crazy-making and it was just plain miserable.  Of course DH and I knew they were talking about us, we would know everything at some point, but yet, they never approached us directly -- they would send a representative and by the time you got back to the original party, oh oops "it was a misunderstanding!"

So no, I really don't think making a big deal about everything (seriously, my choice to buy a storebought food was seen as I don't love and care about my MIL!) is the way to go, I also don't think never talking to the person you have problems with is the way to go.  *however* after my experiences with confronting the in law folks directly, I can understand others not wanting to talk openly.  Some people thrive in that kind of drama stuff and after my experience and being told in blunt terms that they really like the stress and chaos....well, if I had known that upfront it would have been a lot easier to ignore them from the get go!

Put it simply, I like to know where I stand with people, not cloak and dagger games.

[Pooh]

I could honestly go, "Ok, well good because I feel the same about you.  Glad we could be honest about it and not try to pretend."

If I had tried the above statement, our son would have banned us from seeing the grandchildren.  He would have immediately come to the aid of his spouse (as most would when a loved one is being or perceived to being "abused").  I believe that in most difficult situations, one of the parties so wishes the other would "mess up" and thus give a reason for complete estrangement - always looking and searching for an "I told you so" moment.  Walking on eggshells - always a tip that someone is "unbalanced" in the room and it usually is not the one "feeling" it.  At least, this was the way it was in our situation.  Anyway, just another opinion ....

But isn't it a shame that "loved one" doesn't apply to all parties?  I love my DH with all my heart, but if he said something to my Mother with no provocation, oh it would be on and I wouldn't stand for it....vice versa with her. 

And I agree with you.  I wish it could be that way.

[Grammie]

Hello All,  We made the mistake of trying to help OS an DIL during a transfer with his job.  They had been living about 5 hours away and were moving to our area.  We had always had a great relationship with OS and loved his GF from the day we met.  in fact I made the fatal error of saying "she's a keeper" so he married her, big mistake!  That Karpman Drama Triangle would be my undoing.  They ended up staying for over 3 months.  I bought almost all of the food and did most of the cooking.  I worked 30 hours a week and babysat 2 small children while she was house hunting.  They looked at 70 houses and ended up building a house because nothing was good enough for her.  I bit my tongue many times and kept smiling, never complaining.  They gave us $400 to cover expenses. Well a year later in 2011, we had a disagreement over holiday plans and all of the hate started coming out. We were accused of interfering in their decisions.  DIL told OS that I had yelled at her when she cooked dinner one day while I was working because I had already cooked a meal before I left.  She complained that when she cooked she didn't appreciate having to cook for DH and me as well as their family.  She complained that I had done awful things to her like leaving clothes in the dryer and she had to take them out to do her wash.  She came home one day to find me sleeping on the couch with the TV on upstairs and the basement TV recording the same channel.  She was upset because she was unable to watch her show.  I was floored!  OS said that he guessed we had been empty nesters too long.  It was like, are you serious?  I was so irritated that he would be so petty.  No good deed goes unpunished.  They no longer speak to us and we can't see GC.

[Pooh]

Isn't it funny how petty people are?  We have heard story after story like this.  The other party wanting you to respect their rules when you come in their home, but yet having fits when they come into yours about your routine.  I could have the same issue later that you had Grammie, based on what you told.  I love my FDIL and she's living with us while my Son is deployed.  I cook, all the time, after working 40 hrs a week.  She's not working but hasn't stepped up once and offered.  It doesn't bother me as honestly, I'm not sure she knows how to cook much.  I don't want to ask her because I'm afraid that would make her feel bad for me to say, "Hey, do you want to learn how to make this?"  That's what I want to do as when all is said and done, she and GS will be leaving with YS and moving 14 hrs away to his base.  If she doesn't know how, I'd like to help her but I keep waiting for her to say something.

I leave clothes in the dryer and when she washes hers, she folds mine and puts them on my bed.  I also have folded her and put them in her laundry basket when I have found hers in the dryer.  Doesn't bother me and I appreciate that she does it and thank her.  But maybe later, she will be resentful.  If she is, well honestly, that's her problem.  We wanted to help her, and we do so without a thought.  I've spend alot on her, even bought her some maternity clothes this weekend because she found two outfits she liked, but was only going to buy one.  I told her I would get the other for her.  My YS is putting plenty of money in her bank account, she's just actually a very frugal person (not a bad thing).  Maybe later, she'll tell everyone that I thought she couldn't dress herself. 

I will not feel bad about anything they we are doing.  Even if she turns it around later or voices problems later to YS.  We have done everything we can to make her feel welcome and loved.  She knows I'm a upfront person and if she has concerns or requests, she should be asking or letting me know.  That is on her, not me.

You gave them a home and an opportunity.  You did the best you could with what you had to work with.  You deserve thanks, not criticism.  Everything that transpired later is on them.

[Grammie]

Thank You Pooh!  The most difficult part of my situation as I'm sure it is for many of the visitors to this site is accepting that it's their choice and there is nothing we can do about it.  We spend so many years moderating and solving sibling issues and dealing with power struggles between us and our children that we always expect a resolution where everyone is respectful and happy.  Instead our fairy tale life is crumbling before our eyes.  I read once that parents influence only 1/6 of our child's development.  The remaining 5/6 comes from sources out of our control.  But we are made to feel that 100% of their problems are our fault.  They refuse to take responsibility for their own actions.  Compromise is foreign to them.  They prefer to destroy the entire family to get their own way.  They focus on the negative experiences in their lives and pretend there were no positives.  I guess that wisdom comes with age.  For some folks it often comes too late to make a difference.  The problems we are having with OS are so unfair to YS.  I find myself afraid that I will lose him too.  This kind of betrayal changes you but during that process you are not very likable.

[Pooh]

Yes, we do tend to blame ourselves.  I'm sure OS/DIL probably tell everyone that we don't call, drop in, etc. too.  I would bet money that the words, "They don't even care enough to ask how the pregnancy is going."  Well guess what?  If you can't even tell your Mother, GM or anyone on our side of the family that you are expecting, that tells me all I need to know.  Why would I ask about something that obviously you didn't want me to know?  Look in the mirror at your own house.

[pam1]

Oh Grammie, that stinks!  The only thing I can think is that they *can't* destroy the entire family, unless you give them that power. 

Pooh, doesn't it seem weird to think like that?  I'm guessing before your OS/DIL that you would never have to think that way concerning a new relationship with your FDIL. 

[SCW]

Pooh,
I had to find out from others, and through face book, that my DD and DIL were pregnant.  DIL this last time, and DD the last two times.  I got a text after this last one was born, but not until I saw it on face book.  My own DM had to fill me in on the births, time, weight etc.  When DS texted me after a (what I thought was nice) comment on FB about how cute baby was in pink, then I got a ridiculous amount of nasty texts, about how pitiful I was.  It wasn't meant to be malicious, but DIL had said she wanted no pink for her baby girl.  (She is a tomboy)

In the past they have felt compelled to make judgmental comments to me on FB and in person, but should I say anything in the least bit out of line, I am the worst mother MIL ever.

He could not even "break up" with me over the phone....is that cowardly?  Or is it just the way people are now?

I always thought I kept up to date on the way people were, technology, etc., but now I feel like a dinosaur.   I think if anything should come up again...I'm going to have on my "WWU big girl panties" and let myself be heard. 

[Lillycache]

Yes, we do tend to blame ourselves.  I'm sure OS/DIL probably tell everyone that we don't call, drop in, etc. too.  I would bet money that the words, "They don't even care enough to ask how the pregnancy is going."  Well guess what?  If you can't even tell your Mother, GM or anyone on our side of the family that you are expecting, that tells me all I need to know.  Why would I ask about something that obviously you didn't want me to know?  Look in the mirror at your own house.

I used to call and ask about the kids and about how my DIL was doing... and I got one word answers.  You can sort of tell when someone isn't interested in having a conversation or giving out any info whatsoever.   So I stopped calling and asking... and wouldn't you know it.... DIL used that in her attacks.. that I didn't care and I was a rotten grandmother and couldn't care less about the kids.  You sometimes can't win fir losin'

[Grammie]

Pam1, you are correct that he can't destroy the entire family unless we allow it.  You see DIL set up boundaries that separate family units into "her family", "our family" and "their family".  My relationship with the rest of "MY family" is fine.  However OS/DIL have destroyed our relationship with "her family" and "their family".  Her parents and brother ignore us, probly because talking to us would get hem banned too. The last time we saw GS he refused to hug us and responded "yuck".  We have no control over any of that.  YS told OS they are wrong and encouraged him to get counseling.   He is reluctant to say anything else to him for fear he will be banned too.  He is sick of being in the middle.  I have told YS I don't want to hear anything OS tells him.  If he wants to talk to him it's his choice. YS has started ignoring phone calls from his brother.  We have a very small family and everyone who is aware of the situation disagrees with what OS/DIL are doing.  OS has tried to turn others against us but nobody believes him.  When they learn that his wife gave her parents the silent treatment for 13 months before she met OS they see what's going on.  If people begin to avoid or exclude him that is his problem not mine so I should not worry about it.  This situation has touched all family units in one way or the other.  It is senseless and ridiculous and didn't have to happen.

[Pen]

....I love my FDIL and she's living with us while my Son is deployed.  I cook, all the time, after working 40 hrs a week.  She's not working but hasn't stepped up once and offered.  It doesn't bother me as honestly, I'm not sure she knows how to cook much.  I don't want to ask her because I'm afraid that would make her feel bad for me to say, "Hey, do you want to learn how to make this?"  That's what I want to do as when all is said and done, she and GS will be leaving with YS and moving 14 hrs away to his base.  If she doesn't know how, I'd like to help her but I keep waiting for her to say something.....

Pooh, maybe you could ask her to teach you (or you could "work together to figure out") how to prepare a couple of her favorite dishes? You might say, "I've been making what we like every night, but maybe you'd like to have your favorites now & then?" If she mentions a dish, you could lead into having her help you find a recipe, plan the shopping list, purchase the items, and ultimately you could work together creating the meal? At the very least it might remind her that you're doing all the cooking, lol. Just a thought

[Pooh]

Pam, yes, it is really weird.  I never used to give a thought to things like that.  I would have just looked at her and said, "Hey, do you want to learn how to make the dish you liked last week?"  or "You know, if you want to learn to make that, I'll show you how."  Now I worry that if I say that is she going to take it as I'm criticizing her cooking ability or am I saying she's lazy....sheesh....who knows anymore which is why I have taken the "wait til she asks" theory.  So yes, my OS/DIL situation makes me second guess things I would have normally never thought anything about saying or offering.

Pen, I have done those things.  I've taken her to the store with me and told her to buy anything she wants.  I'm prompted by saying, "If there is something you would like to make for, grab whatever you need."  She will make comments about something I've made.  She asked me Sunday what I had in the crockpot that smelled so good.  I told her that it was "raid the pantry stew".  She laughed and said "What's that mean?"  It means I look in the freezer, frig and pantry and start throwing things in the crockpot that I think will go good together."  She just said, "Really?"  Later, when it was ready she said, "Ok, I'm going to try it."  She grinned and told me it was really good and said that she couldn't believe I had just thrown things in there.  I told her that you kind of learn over the years what things go together well and that I did that alot.  End of conversation.  She didn't ask anything else and I didn't try to explain.

I've even told her that if she wants to cook anything or experiment, she's more than welcome to use anything or let me know what she needs.  She just smiles and it doesn't happen.

[SCW]

Dear Pooh,
It's so wonderful that you are helping DS and DIL out like you are.  Two adult women in a home is no easy task.
It sounds to me like maybe she feels like a guest in your home and is uncomfortable asking, or buying or just delving into your kitchen.  I would just come right out and ask her.  Maybe the family could sit down and divvy up some household chores. 
You could ask her mother what some of her likes are, if she knows what she likes to do.  Scrap booking, sports, things like that. Her favorite food.
I just wonder if she simply needs a little prodding.
Good Luck and Bless You.