Feeling unwelcomed

[Scoop]

I had a choice to make.  I could either get all offended thinking that she didn't like me any longer and didn't like my company, or give her the space and see what happened.

I love this.

DH and I actually verbalized this between each other and it's been really helpful.  The worst part is that it's from one of those stupid internet jokes about what Men wish Women knew.  It goes like this "If I say something to you, and it can be taken 2 ways and one of those ways makes you cry, I meant the other way."

I've even taken it further than that. The guy who cuts me off in traffic?  Instead of getting mad and raising my blood pressure over it, I just 'assume' that he's on the way to the hospital to see his baby being born (that's my 'go-to' reason).  It's so much better *FOR ME* to assume the best of people.

To the OP - it sounds like you're visiting during a 'regular' week for them.  So, of course they're going to continue their 'regular' routine and talk about 'regular' things.  Also, I don't think it's a good idea to visit when your DS is working, your DIL might feel like you're his 'guest' and she shouldn't have to entertain you while he's at work.  So maybe long weekends are the best you can get from them?

I don't think you should wait for an invite.  You've established a pattern of calling and proposing visits, so I think you should continue, but you could also ask them to let you know when is best for them.  Tell your DS to consult with DIL and figure out what works for everyone.  You might get a warmer welcome.

I have to say that I think it's an issue of communication.  Because someone suggested bringing groceries and that just wouldn't work for me.  My MIL brings groceries and I find it so insulting.  However, others may appreciate it.  So talk to your DS about it and see what's going on.

[Footloose]

Hi Scoop, Why do u think it is bad for someone to bring groceries?!  i personally love any gift:)

Just trying to understand your view point.  Is it befcause it is a sign that the giver thinks you are needy/poor or do not buy the food they like?  Just wondering...

[Scoop]

Hi Scoop, Why do u think it is bad for someone to bring groceries?!  i personally love any gift:)

Just trying to understand your view point.  Is it befcause it is a sign that the giver thinks you are needy/poor or do not buy the food they like?  Just wondering...

Footloose - I think it's the idea that we can't "provide".  It's also all wrapped up in the history I have with my MIL.  They will sometimes bring food, but once got all insulted when we said that we would bring the steaks next time we went to their house.  My MIL will make SO MUCH extra food and then try to send some with us, regardless of the fact that we were going to my Mom's house next, or that it would be sitting unrefrigerated in the car for 4 plus hours.  Also, it's not anything "special".  If it was something that was my DH or DD's FAVOURITE, or something we couldn't get here, that would be appreciated.  But usually it's just "groceries", cheese and bread, or (my favourite) a bottle of seafood sauce, no shrimp, just seafood sauce.

For Easter of 2011, I brought the makings of a bunny cake, for my Dniece and DD to decorate.  I involved MIL in it and made sure the girls were extra-hygienic in their decorating.  But in the end, even though DH had asked if it was okay for us to bring a cake, MIL had also ordered an ice cream cake and she served "her" cake and told me to serve "my" cake.

[pam1]

We've had some friction with MIL bringing food too, but it was more of the variety that her food was better and she knew better what fruits and veggies to pick, she knew better what DH liked or she knew better what was good for you, even if it's something you can't eat.  It wasn't the act of bringing food, it was the bringing unneeded competition and judgements with it.  However, I do understand that in her experience it is/was very normal to bring food to all hosts houses.  My experience is usually to bring a hostess gift, so I was continually shocked at her expectations of what I was supposed to bring to her house.

I think it's probably a mileage will vary thing.  Food holds special and different connontations to people.

[Elise]

Scoop - I have wondered about the food/grocery gift questions as well.

In my case there is a limited yet intense history around food and my ds's in law family.  Once a few years ago before ds married, he was going to their house in another state for Xmas and I sent along homemade cookies and quiche - some for the family and some for the Gma living alone I really click with. Ds related there had been some negative comments about me sending food with him from the mother of my dil, though he told me how much everyone liked the homemade food.  The wedding of ds was at the dil's family weekend house another 5 hours further from me, with only her family and myself present. I was asked to bring the dinner for the night of my arrival on the plane ( a specific request for my flank steak which I brought on the plane as it requires 24 hours of marinating and was requested for the night of my arrival) and then was given a list to buy that wound up being $300 worth of groceries once I landed and picked up my car. They did treat the group of 11 to dinner at a restaurant the night of the wedding, other than that I provided all the food for the 3 days and of course took everyone out to dinner at the restaurant of their choice the night before the wedding. This year, as I was invited to a dinner at the inlaws the night after Xmas, I was asked to bring the 2 kinds of cookies I always make - cut out and Mexican wedding cakes and 2 pans of my potatoes au gratin as I was driving the six hours.  I didn't actually make it to that dinner, due to terrible scene with ds prior to going to their house, yet he made sure to take the presents I brought and the food.  Seems so odd to me. Where I live and where I have lived in other parts of the country, food is a common gift, or wine.  We never go empty handed to one anothers house for the most part. Certainly never for an invited occasion or event. First criticized and then told what to bring is strange. I hosted a garden party for the newlyweds last years at my home and was asked to make the fil's rib recipe - which the fil sent me. Foolish me, people pleaser I still was then, went along to make them happy and had a real mess dealing with ribs at a garden party - needed to rent another grill, add another staff person to go around with warm washcloths so people could clean up from the mess of  eating ribs in that kind of situation.  They offered no help - not ds or dil in making the gallons of marinate or lugging 80 pounds of ribs and never so much as received a verbal thank you from the kids or parents in any of these situations. Just the Gma thanked me. The fil asked for my recipes, so I took that as a back handed compliment though. They came, they sat apart, I put them up at a nice hotel in area, I paid for brunch the next morning for them and they left after stopping back at my ouse to get the left over ribs and other food stuffs I had too much of, as well as beer that would not get drunk here.  They are way more well to do than I, so it isn't a matter of money for them.  Just a different way for sure. It is one of those darned if you do and darned if you don't situations I think. Writing this out I realize maybe the first sending food was so offensive to them, they decided to ask for it from me in any future get together.  Some twisted something. One year when I was going to pick DS up from their house and they asked me to stay for lunch in advance, I did bring a little gift bag with small stuff in it and ds told me they liked that, it was after the first sending food.  Since I don't know or understand mean sprited people, maybe that is just all it is.

[Footloose]

WOW!  Thanks for your explanation.  No wonder you are on eggshells here.  I agree. It boils down to just mean spirited people who do not appear to even try and be nice.  Yikes!

Since catering is NOT my profession, I would have said no to that rib order.  You deserve a medal for that one but hope u don't bother again!  i love to cook and always bring something when invited and yes have been left bringing the party too.  But I did learn my lesson from u wise women on where my line is drawn!  LOL!

The nerve of some people!  Don't they know a little kindness and grace goes a long way?!

[Elise]

FL - I have learned my lessons and will not - repeat,  will not be doing any of the food bringing in the future. I have learned here not to be such a pleaser and am looking to please myself now. Way more fun this way - lol.

[Pen]

I have the opposite problem - my DF/SM & DS/DIL have each forgotten to bring items they'd offered to contribute to special dinners. One Easter SM/DF insisted on bringing the ham but either forgot their offer or left the ham at home, I was never sure. We all had to listen as they blamed each other. Awkward! DS/DIL always say they'll bring something but rarely follow through. I guess it makes them all feel good to offer.

There was a scene in one episode of Six Feet Under where Ruth, the lonely, insecure matriarch, is invited to a sophisticated party and brings an aluminum tray of her self-described "famous" potato salad after the hostess tells her not to worry about, to just come and enjoy herself. It looks very out of place on the elegant buffet table, and when it's obvious no one is going to eat it, Ruth is shown scraping it into the toilet of the guest bathroom and flushing it away, with an embarrassed and uncomfortable grimace on her face. I don't ever want to be in that situation, lol.

[Doe]

There was a scene in one episode of Six Feet Under where Ruth,...

That was a great show about family dynamics - loved it!

[Elise]

Oh Pen, I never saw that show though your description gave me such a visual I could see it in my mind. I'm keeping that one should I ever be tempted to 'fall in line'  with the food nonsense with ds inlaw family again. I'm not a great cook, though will save my food offerings for those who appreciate and request certain dishes people ask for again and again when we have 'get togethers'. With all these sticky wickets I seem to have to try to walk among, I better work on my 'floating in air' skills with ds, dil and ds's inlaw family. 

[herbalescapes]

It's been awhile since I made this recommendation (tho I swear I do not get a commission!): Try reading some of the works of Deborah Tannen.  She analyzes conversation styles and reports on how we make moral judgements instead of understanding that someone just communicates differently.  I remember when my kids hit kindergarten or so, I finally realized that they could carry on conversations on their own; they were reasonably intelligible, so I no longer needed to act like an interpreter.  Previously I felt I had dominated family conversations because I would prompt the kids to tell the GPs what had been going on and adding in the missing details.  So here I thought I was doing a nice thing, and my DH complained about me sitting there saying nothing.  I did say Hi when we arrived and answered any questions directed at me, so it wasn't as if I was totally silent.  I don't know what the GPs thought, they never said.  Maybe they appreciated me backing out, maybe they thought I was giving them the cold shoulder.  Maybe they thought something totally different. 

[Footloose]

Thanks, Herb:)  Sounds like a great read!

I cannot understand why people let these assumptions become fact w/o discussing with the other party?  Guess I a rip off the band aide kinda person?  If I have a question or think someone is upset, I will often ask, "is everything OK w/ u?  I noticed u were a bit short with me and I'm just doing a check up to be sure I am not adding to your burden."  We may assume another's point of view and can be WAY OFF.

Just sayin:) 

[pam1]

I agree with you, Footloose.  To me, it's easier to just clear the air.  But then, I guess it's easier for some others to not talk about it. 

[Pooh]

Yes, I would rather do that too.  I would have preferred if FDIL had just looked at me and said, "Hey, just so you know, I just need some alone time right now.  I don't want you or DH to think anything is wrong, just having some struggles right now."  That being said, I was trying very hard to take my cues from how she is from day to day.  I had noticed when she was thinking about a problem or struggling with a decision, she gets very quiet and withdrawn.  So even though my personality perfers someone to be upfront, and I am an upfront person, I kept in mind that her personality is not the same when she's sad.  When she's happy, she's upfront, but when she's sad, withdrawn.

I think we have to work very hard to see other people as individuals and not a reflection of our own personalities or how we wish they would do it.  To do that, you can't take things personally and let them be them.  Sometimes, when they are being themselves, we don't like them and the people they have chosen to become.  That's ok.  I'm very sure there are people that don't like the person I have become.  That's the hardest lesson I am working on.

[herbalescapes]

For those who would prefer to "just clear the air" do you really think you'd be better off if your DIL or AC said, "Look, it's ok that you visit and see the GK, but personally I find you tedious/petty/bigotted/whiny/obnoxious/etc., so I don't want to have any conversation with you.  If you want conversation, call a friend"?  I think the burden is not to jump to conclusions.  If someone doesn't engage you in conversation or doesn't latch onto topics you throw out, assume that is just their style and not take it personally.  By over-analyzing the situation (or just analyzing it) you can create a much bigger problem.  Usually the first step in solving a problem is identifying it, but just because you identify it, doesn't mean you can solve it.  If it's not life-threatening, the best thing might be to assume it's not a problem.