Author Topic: My Story - New Here  (Read 4219 times)

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Offline enorton

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My Story - New Here
« on: July 03, 2012, 04:07:52 PM »
Two sons and one daughter and the daughter is always there and we have a great relationship. My oldest son and I didn't speak for six months years ago because of "influence of his wife". My youngest son and his partner just had twins and somehow she accused me of not trusting her to be a mom becuase I text her to see if she is doing okay. I am a very involved mom and have always kept in touch with all my children. I have never experienced such a relationship when the partner threatens the right to see the twins anytime we have a disagreement. Really puts my son in an awkward position. I know he has his life with the girls and her but she is really huring our relationship. This only happens with boys!?
« Last Edit: July 03, 2012, 04:31:55 PM by pam1 »

Offline pam1

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Welcome :)

Please read the topics under the category Open Me First.  We ask all new members to do so in order to get a feel for WWU and how we came about.

I'm sorry you're going through this and I think you came to a place where you can be heard and related to. 

However, I suggest you consider changing your username.  If you look under your profile settings you should see the option to change your username.  If you don't see it, let me know and I can help you.  Using your email address would make it very easy for others to find you.  Additionally, you might have noticed I changed your title; we try to stay away from generalities here and discuss only our takes and opinions on certain situations. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline luise.volta

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Re: My Story - New Here
« Reply #2 on: July 03, 2012, 06:50:14 PM »
I welcomed you elsewhere and am looking forward to seeing what kind of a name you make up. I use my own but that is the exception to the rule. This my Website. I hope you receive support here and find sharing is helpful. To me, it seems like an extended family sometimes.  :)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pen

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Re: My Story - New Here
« Reply #3 on: July 04, 2012, 12:19:31 AM »
Welcome, E. I'm sorry you are in this situation - it can be hurtful and confusing.

As you read old threads/posts you'll see that you are not alone. This sort of thing has happened to many of us here. This site is supportive and comforting as we work towards healing & progressing in our own lives.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Lillycache

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Re: My Story - New Here
« Reply #4 on: July 04, 2012, 06:55:54 AM »
Does this happen when you have sons?  Oh my...  Well, you know that old tired out saying.. "A son is a son 'til he takes a wife... a daughters a daughter the rest of your life"   Of course no all daughters are like that as I've learned, and certainly not all DILs behave this way,  But for the most part, there are more problems with DIL than daughter.  Unfortunately,  some of these young women feel absolutely justified in using the kids as weapons.. I guess they feel it's their only ace in the hole. And in actuality... it is.   It depends on how you react to this.  I called my DILs bluff and told her I would not allow her to do this... because it wouldn't work.  I didn't see my GKs for 16 months.  However now my DS is allowed to bring them to see me without her.  I am fortunate that he was able to do this.  Many times son's back up their wives no matter how unreasonable they are acting.  On the other hand,  you can beg and submit to her every whim in order to see your GKs.   I refused to approach her with my head bowed and eyes lowered, being sure to back out of the room when in her presence. I exaggerate of course, but this is pretty much the jist of her demands..    It depends what you can stomach.

Offline Keys Girl

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Re: My Story - New Here
« Reply #5 on: July 04, 2012, 07:51:04 PM »
There is a silent epidemic of this kind of treatment, essentially holding the son and/or mother hostage by the wife.

After some serious troubles where it was apparent that my future DIL was going to control my son and try to control me, my son decided he didn't want to keep in touch with me and sent me an email (I wonder who was behind that?).

I wasn't invited to their wedding, and while it's been one of the most painful experiences of my life, I'm moving forward with my own life and my blood pressure problems are almost gone.

I don't have any grandchildren so I can't understand the horrible agony of being held back from seeing them, etc.  I was looking forward to grandchildren but when this blew up I let that desire go down the drain.

It's a tough call, but you'll find lots of people who have been in the same boat on this site and can understand what you are going through.

KG


« Last Edit: July 04, 2012, 07:54:49 PM by luise.volta »
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

Doe

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Re: My Story - New Here
« Reply #6 on: July 05, 2012, 06:34:00 AM »
Well, I have to remind everyone that the son is always part of the situation.  It seems like they are the victims but they are complicit in some way if they allow the situation to stand.  Doing nothing to fix a situation is sometimes as bad as creating it in the first place.  jmo.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: My Story - New Here
« Reply #7 on: July 05, 2012, 10:00:41 AM »
My take is that we probably have to be careful about blame….DS, "ex", DIL, ourselves. It's too complicated for that. More grays than blacks and whites. I have never been there, of course (a young, newly married male) but I think most DSs who have found the love of their lives are poorly prepared to deal with what sometimes follows. I know my elder DS wasn't. He was 'besotted' and committed and focused more intently on the future than on the past; more on the home he was establishing than the one he left behind. There was nothing in his known curriculum for what followed; the 'my way or the highway' thing. To perhaps tip the scale, my DS had his own unresolved issues with me, as well. That had to be  part of it. I look back and I think I smothered him and taught him he was the center of the Universe. He was the major focus of my life and the rest of my life was a mess. He was poorly prepared for all of that to disappear via Viet Nam. I may have planted a seed without knowing it, that nothing would ever change and he would always be the center of the Universe, I don't know.

Most newly married DSs are young. To top that off, they're full of hormones that will say "Yes, Mam", if required to do so, to handle that end of things. My take is that it's nobodies' fault. We have our perspectives and our experiences and we come to our own conclusions. For me at least, it felt like I was unjustifiably accused of what...loving him too much? Imperfection?That, however, was my perception. DS had his own spin and we both clung to our perceptions as gospel. For us, they were.

Expectations aren't one-sided…and we don't know what theirs were/are. (I use the past tense because my son died of a sleep apnea induced stroke at 52.) When everyone gets stuck in expectations, an entanglement can result that any and all attempts to unravel only accelerate. I don't think that is always true but those who escaped seldom post here. What many of us who are suffering from collateral damage are learning here is to step out of the war zone and opt for peace.

I became a mother right out of nurse's training and I'm now 85. I deserved better than I got and I'm giving it to myself. My son deserved better than he got, too. Sending love...

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pooh

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Re: My Story - New Here
« Reply #8 on: July 05, 2012, 11:16:50 AM »
I agree with Doe whole-heartedly, but it took me about 2 years to get to that point.  It was very easy for me to say "DIL did this, DIL is doing that, Poor OS having to deal with that control, Poor OS is in for a long road....Poor OS...".  Did she do those things?  Yes.  But did he step up one time and say, "Nope, I'm not tolerating that treatment of my family."  No he didn't, which to me, makes it worse because he tolerated the mistreatment of the people he was supposed to love.  At least she had no emotional attachment to us and she truly doesn't need us.  She has a family that will do anything for them.

Then like Luise said, none of our expectations were met.  DIL and I are totally different people with totally different values, who's expectations are as vastly different as night and day.  I don't think OS even has any expectations, because to do so would require some effort and work on his part.

So Luise is right.  We are all equally to blame and yet there is no one to blame.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: My Story - New Here
« Reply #9 on: July 05, 2012, 01:27:20 PM »
My DS was 33 when he married last year and was still totally blind sided by his future wife .
It's only now that his DD is 2 years old and he's been married for a year that the mist is fading .
He realises now how his DW wouldn't let anyone other than herself bond with his DD .
He is only now allowed to visit by himself with his DD , well I'm saying allowed but maybe he
insisted , don't know and I  won't ask . I'm just enjoying their company .

I think a lot is the fault of the DS , they don't want to rock the boat and agree to everything
their DW says . On the other hand a new Mom is quite emotional and may find it all overwhelming .
How to find the perfect balance , now that's another of life's mysteries .

Offline NewMama

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Re: My Story - New Here
« Reply #10 on: July 06, 2012, 05:22:13 AM »
I think Doe has a very good point there - even when things are not good with a DIL, if the DS doesn't do anything to fix it, he's equally played a part. It's easy to point the target at the person who is not part of the FOO. I get the blame from my MIL for everything - for saying no to visits I had no idea she requested from DH, for going back to work and abandoning DH/DS, for DH backing me up on parenting issues. It's much easier for her to believe I'm turning down visits than that her own son is. She thinks he defers to me on all parenting decisions, when in reality we talk things over and come to an agreement together. She called the shots when DH was a child (FIL was useless) so she expects the same from me. I expect DH and I to parent together. Those pesky expectations always get in the way....

I'm not saying your DILs are acting appropriately here, but adult DSs seem to get off the hook an awful lot in these situations. Staying silent and just giving in is a decision they've made to make their own lives easier, while leaving the women in their lives to battle it out.

Doe

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Re: My Story - New Here
« Reply #11 on: July 06, 2012, 09:07:01 AM »
I look back and I think I smothered him and taught him he was the center of the Universe. He was the major focus of my life and the rest of my life was a mess. He was poorly prepared for all of that to disappear via Viet Nam. I may have planted a seed without knowing it, that nothing would ever change and he would always be the center of the Universe, I don't know.

whoa, Luise, you've struck a chord with me on this one.  Enough time has passed that I'm starting to consider my role in this whole thing in terms of who my son has become.   It actually feels better to me to take some responsibility for some of what's going on.

But anyway, it's done and the future is wide open. Which reminds me of Tom Petty, whose music I love:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FiJg0A3RrTk

Offline pam1

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Re: My Story - New Here
« Reply #12 on: July 06, 2012, 11:03:09 AM »
I think every situation is different.  There were problems between DH and MIL way before me.  But when we married, it seemed easier for both of them to focus in on me.  DH wanted me to carry the load concerning his FOO and MIL blamed me for how I did everything because in reality, she didn't want my attention -- she wanted DHs.  Since that went on for so long and I stepped in trying to be "helpful" it was too terribly easy to blame me.

If you ask DH if he wants to spend any holidays with his mother -- no.  Does he want to get her something for her birthday?  No.  Is he going to call her or send her a card?  No. 

But I am still blamed.  I think a lot of DILs are put into a similar situation and both their husbands and MILs are expecting them to create a good relationship, yet they have none of the authority, only the responsibility.  And it's easier for women to look at the other woman rather than the 50% partner in the relationship, DH/DS.

I'm not under any illusion anymore that my DH is an angel, he made lots of mistakes.  But neither he or MIL have any real vested interest in talking it out with each other, letting it be water under the bridge and moving on.  Neither one.  As his wife there is *nothing* I can do.  Nothing.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline Begonia

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Re: My Story - New Here
« Reply #13 on: July 06, 2012, 01:14:59 PM »
Are are boys like this?  I have had two DIL (my son was married, briefly, to his high school sweetheart years ago). I sewed her wedding dress but never got to know her at all and I never understood their relationship.  I do know that she had a very goofy FOO, similar to my current DIL FOO.  Apparently, my son is a good provider and a rescuer of women in distress.  I think DS's like to protect and it's difficult for them to have an alliance to more than one woman (wife vs. mom).  So I see how my DS has chosen the woman who needs him most.  I understand this and am glad he is trying so hard to be a good husband and dad.  I know he does not want another marriage to end in divorce.  My DIL demands a LOT, so there is little time for DS to interact with anyone in his FOO, not even his DSister, which hurts her too. 

But I no longer excuse his bad behavior.  He was not very respectful of me long before he ever had a wife, so I cannot blame the DIL.  Having taken a lot of steps backwards, I can see that DS and DD and their families are really struggling to keep their lives together.  I know that they would not want me to know about all their problems, so perhaps it's easier for them to just be distant than to try explain.

Pam, I think you have hit it spot on when you say: I think a lot of DILs are put into a similar situation and both their husbands and MILs are expecting them to create a good relationship, yet they have none of the authority, only the responsibility

I do know when I am alone with DS or DD, that we have a fun and easy time together.  But both DD and DS are very much allied with their spouses when we are all together.  I was this way when I was married too.  Because once the company was gone, I had to deal with a DH who was a big baby and would pout for a week if I had not spent enough time with him.  And that was no fun.  So I am very cautious about intruding because of that. 
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Offline luise.volta

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Re: My Story - New Here
« Reply #14 on: July 06, 2012, 02:30:39 PM »
Yes, we are learning here that each of our circumstances and the dynamics behind them are different. My DIL had all the power…and proceded to make elder DS the center of her Universe. Worked like a charm.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama