March 28, 2024, 05:41:30 PM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Transitions are hard but they do help you keep your sanity

Started by Smilesback@u, July 01, 2012, 07:19:31 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Smilesback@u

July 01, 2012, 07:19:31 PM Last Edit: July 01, 2012, 07:28:47 PM by luise.volta
Hi, I recently visited DS/DIL and our GDs ages 3 and 5, along with other DS and his GF.  Same-o, same-o, with DIL not fixing one meal, DS not offering to pay for any meals out and expecting me to babysit without asking.  So after spending $$$$ on dinners for everybody three nights in a row (6 adults), and babysitting 5 hours in one afternoon, which I enjoyed btw, I was ready for dinner out with DH alone.  I called DS asking him to return by 7p so I could go out to dinner.  I went out to eat, and when I returned asked what plans they had...none, or so they said.  I offered to pick up something for them at the store as I needed to go buy a soft drink -- and DIL gave me a hard time - do you ever find people who are drinking, thinking that they are so funny, clever and cute with their remarks -- they come off just as being rude?  I snapped back at DIL and it felt goooood!  Then I thought that is it - I don't deserve a hard time!  So DH and I went out and since they did not have plans, we called to let them know we were going to a movie.  That did it! Their expectation was that after I ate, I would babysit so they could go out again.  Since I would not comply, there was a lot of anger directed at me.  I was embarrassed, and really found my strength in talking my feelings out with DH.  We decided to cut the visit short and leave the next day.  Why did it take me this long to say *forget it* to this inconsiderate selfish behavior, I don't know.  I really never took it from them when they were growing up -- now they are dishing it out to me, and I really do not deserve it.  Where did they get the idea that I was a doormat - I ask myself?  Am I to blame for their bad behavior towards me?  Maybe it is like what luise has said --- as a mother, I know my needs come second to taking care of my children and that is a habit hard to break.  Thank God, I have more than that habit as a mother -- like using tough love a lot to raise these sons of mine.  So I called on that strength and my DH support, and I held my head up high, and in the morning explained I would be leaving.  No one objected, so I am sure we all were glad to separate.  But I separated with a smile on my face (You can believe that!), and thanked them for providing us a place to sleep.  I left, and called the next day, thanked them again and said I had fun -- ignoring the drama they had created.  Not giving them any more attention -- I had said my peace - that I do not come to visit to cook, clean and babysit.  I would like to take the family out and pay for one meal then everyone pays their own way.  I doubt that I will hear from them for quite a while -- and I am not interested in visiting them for quite a while either.  I even suggested that they hire a babysitter when we visit so we all can go out together.  We will see what they do...I don't think they really want to spend time with me... they just want *help*.  Well, I refuse to do for others what they can do for themselves -- unless I want to.  And that is that.  I am not really even sad about the idea of not being called, invited or seeing them any more.  It is a 2-way street after all, and I really enjoyed the GC.  So my intention is to visit again but on my own clearly defined terms.  I have no idea if my sons will *grow up* before then, but I will always have a contingency plan just in case they haven't.  I think when it comes down to it, if it is a matter of my sanity or theirs, I will go with preserving mine.  Does that make me selfish in a bad way?     

luise.volta

Smiles -  It didnt sound to me like it was "your sanity or theirs"...because it didn't come across in your email like they care that much, one way or the other. 'Use you and abuse you' seemed like that plan. I am impressed with the way you accessed your self respect. Good for you! There's that old saying about no one respecting those who don't respect themselves. Of course it wasn't selfish! It was ground-breakingly healthy, to my way of thinking. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

artlady

I agree with you whole heartly , it is time for you to put you first. I'm in the same boat with you as trying to put me first with DH. I think they were selfish but it seems right now there are a lot of those AC/with spouses that have that same characteristic.  It is so sad and breaks my heart , where did the respect go for parents?

herbalescapes

Good for you.  Sanity is overrated.  It's us crazy folk that have the most fun.  No one can make you a doormat but you, and now you know how to pull yourself off the floor and be a...um...lamp? bookcase? music stand? 

enjoy yourself.

jdtm

QuoteI don't think they really want to spend time with me... they just want *help*.

Ah ...  you hit the "nail on the head".  Good going, girl.  We're all proud of you ...

Lillycache

Way to go!  I think you were right in your assessment too.  It wasn't about the pleasure of your company, but the color of your money.  AND the free babysitting service you provided.  Good for you for making the stay short and sweet.

Smilesback@u

Quote from: luise.volta on July 01, 2012, 07:37:30 PM
Smiles -  It didnt sound to me like it was "your sanity or theirs"...because it didn't come across in your email like they care that much, one way or the other. 'Use you and abuse you' seemed like that plan. I am impressed with the way you accessed your self respect. Good for you! There's that old saying about no one respecting those who don't respect themselves. Of course it wasn't selfish! It was ground-breakingly healthy, to my way of thinking. Sending love...
Thank you Luise, today I don't feel so strong in my resolve and feel like crying.  Something has gripped me this morning to feel that I don't have their love.  I will keep what you said in mind and get through this tough morning.  I plan to go exercise today and that will surely help to be taking care of myself.   :(

Smilesback@u

OMG!  I am going to have a real good ball now after reading all your posts.  It really fits with how I feel, and have to accept reality -- it is what it is.  So sad to feel rejected like who cares?  As long as I do what they want me to do - I am included.  Is that how it goes?  How rotten...how dirty rotten.  Onward -- make new friends and love the ones you are with.  Today, I will think more about being healthy, I will act as if I really have all that high self-esteem going on, and I will not reach out to DS for approval.  It is a struggle to not devalue myself in the face of adversity.  That is my issue.  My family can show me a different side someday, hopefully.  I will think about you all, and appreciate what you all have said today for my support.  Thanks,  :(

Smilesback@u

PS.  One more thing, it was not ALL bad visiting -- I did activities with the GC and I did say my peace so I was not helpless either. 

Monroe

Smiles - sorry the visit was what it was.  I am not quite sure of the logistics - were you and DH both there? (you say . . . I visited, I went out to eat, etc. - but it also sounds like your DH was with you.)   

Do I take it you stayed with them?  I thought I remembered  previous thread from quite a while ago where you decided you would stay at a B&B rather than with them, so you could protect yourself from their over-reaching expectations (24/7 servitude). 

Did you stay at a B&B on a previous trip?  Did that work better? 

Not saying you should visit again at all - just saying that your visit sounds like a good example of why not to stay under same roof with AC. 

I know I do not ever want to stay with DS and DIL.  As in wild horses couldn't make me. 



Doe

Quote from: Smilesback@u on July 01, 2012, 07:19:31 PM
Does that make me selfish in a bad way?     

Oh, dear.  When I read this, I thought this is going to be tough for you.    No, you're not selfish and they aren't bad.  Just different expectations of the situation. 

I'm thinking more and more that it's better to treat our AC as we treat our good friends.    Some distance in between and respect for our differences and everybody goes home.  No expectations, just pleasant this and pleasant that and move along down the line.

Maybe just give it a break for a while.  They know you love them.

Smilesback@u

Yes, they know I love them.  Seems like the unwritten rule is if you do not confront and get upset, you are not really caring.  DH and I are easy going, positive minded people, who enjoy helping.  You do not have to force us to jump in and help.  Just feels like so much pressure on us when we visit.  Yes, DH and I were together the whole time, and we stayed at DS/DIL/GC new home.  They moved to a bigger rental and had a guest bedroom.  We were able to have privacy and sleep in, albeit hearing the stomping of little feet upstairs.  On previous visits when we did not stay with them, it did seem to work out better, now that you ask.  We would go out for our own meals and communicate better about plans I think.  We did save some money staying with them, and didn't want to offend them by not staying with them.  Next time, we will probably choose to stay nearby at a motel - and let it go as just our preference to come and go as we please if there are no plans for getting together.  It always feels so chaotic when we visit as there are no plans, no meals, nothing to settle us all down together.  Sometimes we play games, but they only had monopoly this time.  We always notice DIL's being angry when anything is not perfect about this, that, and everything.  I thought we showed we cared by visiting and having fun together...???  Looks like there were strings attached on whether we were welcome or not - as long as we babysit and they do not have to entertain us.  Feels awful.   :o

Ruth

I think the scenario you have just described, smiles, is probably more often the 'norm' now rather than the exception.  I think you did great, and now its time for 'up at the corners'!  Being Southern myself, we learned by osmosis to throw a dagger and smile sweetly the whole time, and it has a way of working, therefore if I were you I'd act as if nothing had happened.  They won't even notice, in all probability, so be yourself and have fun next time.  Even more fun, that is. 

pam1

You did good, Smiles.  I don't think you're in danger of losing their love, but like Doe said I don't think they were bad.  Different expectations, for sure. 

I do wonder though, is this the same DS/DIL (I know you have a few sons!) that you had problems with staying before?  If so, did you speak up before you went? 

IMO, setting clear boundaries is important before things happen, especially if you know it's a pattern.  But what's done is done and now they know.

On another note, many people think they are doing grandparents/aunts/uncles favors by allowing them to babysit their children.  I know, it sounds funny but it seems to be a common theme these days.  I have a SIL who thinks she is doing me a favor to babysit her children ;)  It's a different mindset and while you're thinking you are doing them a favor, they are thinking they are doing you a favor! 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Smilesback@u

Thanks Pam -- I think I did better this visit too - I was able to cut short the visit when people were getting angry at me for not meeting their expectations.  I do hope all my DS know family love is forever.  I just might not jump when they say jump.  I talked about how I do not respond to anger to get me to do what they want me to do - so they each have something to think about along those lines.  I do like the perspective that it is not all about me - it's a relief really.  I do think I am honored to babysit and join in GC and family activities.  I do think we are working out what our visits will look like...yes there are angry feelings (but what else is new?).  It is always stressful visiting them.   I feel I need to draw the line over and over and over with them and BEFORe we visit would be best.  there are going to unknown situations arise, where I feel taken advantage of and manipulated that I will deal with as the come up.  before our visit, I asked DS to get a babysitter so we can all go out together.  He said their babysitter was out of town this visit.  I don't see that as my problem to solve.  There were opportunities on our visit for them to discuss when we would babysit and they didn't discuss it.  I did ask before our visit what DS planned for meals and any other activities with DS --- and his response showed lack of planning.  DH believes no plans can be made without DIL, who does not make plans.  In the past our plans made with DS were changed at the last minute by DIL.  Seems to me that DIL has power struggles and that is what is mainly dealt with -- and it irks me that our visits are short and we keep going over the same stuff.  It feels chaotic to me when I don't know what we are doing.  I can deal with that, but then they get mad at me and DS says I am making things difficult, or I am the problem.  I want to have a voice in making plans that affect me.  So now I see clearly that I need to communicate before our visit with DS to meet my needs -- and staying at a motel is an option that I will bring up.  DS has said in the past that we can visit as long as DIL does not have to entertain us.  It is what it is - not really welcoming.  Oh wells, unmet expectations.  You said it!