Ping Pong ,Ping Pong, new wrinkle

[artlady]

Now I'm trying to distance myself from DD/ SIL issues in order to move forward, protect my heart and health. Their visit last weekend was not the best in the world and they ended up hurting DH 's feelings when they were leaving. I had already promised to go babysit Saturday night so they could go to a shower cookout for her college roommate ( who is getting married to a cousin we introduced her to and dd hasn't been to anything yet all in the same town). If I had known last weekend was going to be like it was , I wouldn't be going this Saturday as it puts me in the middle of all of it betweem DD/SIL and DH. So ping pong back and forth , `here I am hung up on the darn net again and it is getting pretty lonely here. Now after all that has gone on my DD is trying to figure her return work schedule , she wants to know my school start time and days. Prior to gs birth i had said i could help some as she was trying to get things worked out and in emergencies. I'd have to spend the night(  it is 75 miles to her house ) most of the time and might have to do 2 nights. At this point with the small nerve fiber neuropathy I never know when my feet and legs are going to feel like a forest fire , and riding is miserable .( standing , walking is fine )I've heard too many say you want to be the grandmother not the babysitter. Also one thing is it will be free for them to use me . She had wanted me to come up this week or last week to spend the night to see how she puts him to bed so I'd know what to do this Saturday. PPPPPLLLLEEEAASSSEEE  give me a break , I think I can get it when I get there a few hours before they leave , that is why staying with him too much I know I"ll have a 5 inch instruction manual and if I do something wrong no telling what would happen. I really don't feel comfortable keeping him as they are so overprotective past extreme.I want to be there for here but with all that has gone on for the past almost two years she is now putting me in a situation that i don't' know that i want to be in . So I need to know your thoughts , I'm doing good with less contact, not emailing /texting back as much . this is ping pong on the net going plop plop so I need to move to one side of the net or the other .

[Doe]

It's a great time to set some boundaries in the beginning, isn't it?  I don't know how useful my advice is to you but I wouldn't make the trip early to learn how to put a baby to bed.  I would make it clear how often you want to come and help,  'want' being the operative word in that phrase.

Keep it simple and uncomplicated :  It hurts my body to do all that driving so I don't want to do it very often but I can help sometimes. 

Maybe going back to work wasn't thoroughly thought through and if you don't jump in as savior, they'll have that opportunity to make that adult decision themselves.

[luise.volta]

I agree with D about boundaries. I would tell her that it would appear, historically, that I handled most things well, since her husband made it and that GC is bound to fare well in my care for that reason. However, if there are ever any specifics, like an allergy, I would want to be informed, of course, and would comply to the letter. I would not submit to becoming a 12 year old baby sitter under supervision. And if that was a requirement, I'm afraid I would have to pass on the whole thing since, for me, it wouldn't be a working hypothesis. Sending love...

[NewMama]

If you don't set some boundaries now, you're probably going to get taken advantage of and be resentful about it. And speaking as someone who just returned to work, she needs a solid plan and if you are not able to or want to babysit as much as she thinks you do it's a lot better to speak up now. I think it's kind of nuts for her to expect you to travel 75 miles on a regular basis to babysit. That's roughly the same distance between my MIL and us, and I'd can't imagine ever asking her to do that.

Everyone has varying levels of comfort with how much babysitting of GCs they'd like to do. What you do here is going to set the tone for the future so make sure it's something you're ok with too.

[Pooh]

I agree with the other ladies.  I also want to add that just as our DDs or DSs want us to accept their spouse as their number one priority and respect their boundaries, that is a two-way street in my book.  If my YS (that I get along with) did something that hurt my DH's feelings, I would have to explain to YS that he needed to talk to DH and straighten out the problem before I could make visits or such as DH is also my number one priority and we are a unit.  Now, that's if my DH didn't do anything to warrant the treatment.

[Pen]

I agree with D about boundaries. I would tell her that it would appear, historically, that I handled most things well, since her husband made it and that GC is bound to fare well in my care for that reason. However, if there are ever any specifics, like an allergy, I would want to be informed, of course, and would comply to the letter. I would not submit to becoming a 12 year old baby sitter under supervision. And if that was a requirement, I'm afraid I would have to pass on the whole thing since, for me, it wouldn't be a working hypothesis. Sending love...

Yup!! As a new mom, I was grateful I could trust the GPs would be just fine watching my DC. Maybe those new-fangled diapers would be on backwards once or twice, or a bottle might be given :30 too early or late, but big whoop. It was so liberating to let the little issues go & allow the GPs to bond w/their GC in their own way.

If as a GP I were given complicated orders that must all be followed OR ELSE, I'd bow out of the free babysitting business. Way too stressful! Obviously a professional (expensive) child care provider would be required, lol.

Excellent post too, Pooh, about DH. I agree!

[artlady]

Well she acted as though she was going back at 12 weeks but in time i knew better and she had talked to a few folks, a little shocked at the cost so she asked would I bet able to do 1-2 days a week. I told her then I'd rather be back up , not on a regular bases and with my condition that would not be a good idea to dependent me , she needed to have someone close by and also for those emergencies ( which she had with sil in hospital a while back). I've told her she is not listening , I want to maybe go up for a date night for them, a weekend trip, a ballgame etc but not every week. How can i heal if I'm going to always be in the mix , subject myself to a moody SIL and then make problems between Dh and myself as being in the middle when SIl is so rude to him. So ping pong ping pong,........ blop . That is where i am , dead in the water.  I'm want to have a life being semi retired, then in 2- 3 full retired so it is time for me to do somethings , not become a part time babysitter for the next 4 years plus adding more kids to that. She is not hearing me as I think her head is too far in the sand to see or hear any that is going on around her . Not like her at all . Those sensory antenas she has always had must have broken off in the last 2 years. Lol       Pen we have kept other gs ( my stepgrandson ) at 4 months and the parents were 100 miles away. WE have kept in for 3-4 day stays since ( when they had work out of state. GUESS WHAT he is living today and doing fine , we didn't even stunt the growth of his teeth he now has 6. Oh if I hadn't of promised 2-3 weeks ago to go tomorrow to babysit , there is no way in h-- i'd go. I do hope my family will be proud of me for going through this ( they don't all know the whole story ) so  to get them to a function for cousin. Oh she has worried about it all week , has texted that she didn't mean to hurt his feelings yada yada yada, I've told her that is between the two of them , I did let her know he was hurt but he understands . NO No i woudn't got but I dont' break promises if at all possible . This will be the last til she gets herself straight with him because he is now my #1. He knows i'm only going because i promised but I"m already miserable thinking about it and i just pray that baby doesn't decide to run his first fever, throw up etc ,  it will be on me and whatever. I'll have a to do list as long as my arm you can bet on that. If they dont' want a dog to sniff his foot , SIl covered them , then you know how picky, these are two inside well groomed bichons, pup just wanted to smell to see him. Everyone get on your knees from 4:00- on Saturday, til about that time on Sunday , and pray very hard I mean hard. I'll let you know when to get up .  lol

[pam1]

artlady, I think you're just going to have to say "no."  Is it hard for you to say it?  I know it is for some people.  Did you see the other thread where we talked about the concept JADE?  I think that might be useful to you, saying no without JADEing. 

[artlady]

Pam I wrote JADE down , I've shared that with Dh and few other's , I love it. Yes it is hard for me to say not to anyone , but I'm doing better with age and now I know I've got to do better. Hey might not have to say no , after the first time I babysit I"m sure there will be something I didn't do right, SIL is one of those that it is in it 's place, things in control etc etc , DD has been following the lead so I'll be a nervous wreck the whole time and no way would I even think about a glass of wine . 

[artlady]

I also forgot to add she has said this week a few times she wants to patch it up and she had said that night afterwards that she was going to call and talk to DH, not yet and of course she says she is going to call many other times but never does ( for a gal that called everyday almost) . Anyhow I think she must think in going through me it will be fixed but i've said you need to talk to him about it not me . I will address it again but not before Sat as I dont' want to be ambushed or them try to talk to me about it I"m not the one who's feelings they hurt( i'm sure as in others things said , that she is the mouth piece for him when he is in the room as he is not going to do it, but expects her to do so, we have seen it too many times). So i'm on the net just hanging out in this 100+ degree heat, now that is about too much for this old lady  lol

[firelight]

artlady, just a little surprised they would expect you to drive such a distance a few times a week.....

At least you told them just how often you viewed the visits and weekly wasn't one of them. 

On the bright side, at least you're talking and wanted (even if it's to babysit.  ;-)  )  I'm sure they will understand you cannot drive like that or spend that kind of $$ to go all that way so often. 

Be the semi-retired person you envision yourself to be.  Sounds like you know yourself pretty well.  Be good to yourself.   

[artlady]

Thanks Firelight, I do intend to learn to put myself first at this time of my life but it is really hard after always putting others needs ahead of my own and being a giver all of my life. I don't mind babysitting for special things or emergencies but I just can't do it on a weekly basis nor is that fair to the DH with him semi retired and more than that the way they hurt his feelings last weekend has now added a new wound to his heart of many hurts from them ( as well as mine).

[luise.volta]

Part of our mom-job, if not most of it, was putting others needs ahead of ours. A sick child cries out in the night and what do we do...pull our pillows over our heads and mutter..."I'll get to you in the moring after I've had a good night's sleep?" Not. After taking on the indenity of being there for others, it's a pretty foreign concept that what's going on with our AC, especially the negative stuff and their unmet needs, is none of our business and we come first. What?

[artlady]

Ok all it is getting close to the witching hour where I'll be driving up and you need to get on your knees to pray till i tell you time to get up that this " baby prince " lives through his grandmother keeping him for 2-3 hours . If not look for NC news I'm sure I"ll be on there if anything happens to this "only " baby in the world  that a grandmother has babysit   LOL. I"m going to be nervous the whole time , from how they might act or from past things they did last weekend  but mostly for fear the baby will have the one time problem while i'm there that has never happened before. So glad I've had CPR training just hope I don't need it .

[lancaster lady]

He might sleep for the whole time , so you'll be in the clear for any mistakes ....unless they wanted him
to stay awake .....