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Is it hard to except the truth or hear a different perspective?

Started by Bride2Be, April 28, 2010, 10:05:54 AM

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cremebrulee

Quote from: Anna on May 05, 2010, 01:56:46 PM
Nana, I absolutely love that story about the witch.  I have said many times you catch more flies with honey, than you do with vinegar.  If someone is grumpy just smile right back & be as nice as you can.  It really knocks the grumpy person for a loop.  At first they don't know what to do &  I've won over many a grump this way.   :D

You couldn't be more right Anna....


cremebrulee

Quote from: luise.volta on May 05, 2010, 07:23:22 PM
Well, I know some guys that statement fits like a "T" but I also know a lot of women who qualify. Hummm...

I'm also guilty of saying..."You know how guys are." Guess I'd better take another look at that generalization (which is probably a nice word for prejudice.)

You and me both...I tend to generalize way to much...but I don't consider it being prejudice????  Perhaps I'm wrong?  I love both genders....and I know you do to...

Nana

Creme:

Yes I am very grateful to Luise to have start this site.  She is great and so all of you.  Yes, we need hardship in our lives, first to make us stronger, more humble, more human and because we can value what we have when we have it.  But we need our sisters in our lives to help us put our feet back on the ground and to encourage and support us when things are bad.  We women are fortunate and lucky too have other woman in which to rely and get hugs and kisses when in need.  We have this advantage over men, they are very lonely when in trouble and it is hard for them to confide in someone when they need it.

When I refer to sisters I mean all the important women in our lives (sisters, friends, mother, sometimes mil, daughters)  This I read.

Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

cremebrulee

Nana

Hi Nana
yanno, when we women don't get along we can be utterly brutal...however, I don't believe there is a bond like the bond between women...
Oft times I said, and maybe it's just me, however, I never ever knew a man, or had a close friendship with a man, that was as nurturing and complete and forever, no matter what our differences were or are, as my bonds with women....

DDM

I agree about female relationships 100%. Even my DH, who I love deeply is not my best friend. That role belongs to another female. She, among other girlfriends - get me! I can say totally what is in my heart and mind at all times without any fear of being misunderstood. I grew up in a family of all girls (my poor Dad) but married and had 3 sons. It has been quite the education for me. LOL! I know for a fact that men and women think, relate and process differently. I'm living with that reality!

1Glitterati

Creme...I'm not insulted.  And, yes, I'm aware that men typically handle stress differently than women.  In the past...yes, it may have been more detrimental...but it doesn't mean they can't handle it and have to be coddled.

It's just interesting to me the different povs...dils saying his family his responsibility.  Mils saying if you loved him you'd do this for him.  I don't think there's going to be a meeting of the minds on this one.

Pen

I don't need DIL to buy a card or gift for me "from DS" or from her, for that matter - I'd rather she didn't, actually. DS's gifts, when he buys them, are meaningful because he knows us and tries to find something we'll love. DIL either regifts or gives me something that has nothing to do with me or my interests. If my DIL ever got to know me, I'd welcome whatever she felt like doing for me but wouldn't expect anything.

All I want is for DS to have the freedom/support to feel comfortable about maintaining a relationship with us. It breaks my heart when he can't talk freely when she's around. We get the best texts & calls and have the best face-to-face conversations when she's not there.

If I ever found out that my DH had to work around me that way just to talk comfortably with his parents, I'd be mortified and would immediately do whatever I could to correct it. Many DILs say, "If he wanted to maintain his relationship with his FOO he would; if he doesn't it must not be important to him." I disagree - I think that our husbands know we'll make their lives a living *bleep* if they go against us, so they often figure their FsOO will understand if contact is rare.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cremebrulee

exactly Pen, my son told me that, he was devestated...all our son's want is our approval....when we try to talk to them about our DIL's they take it as if we're bashing them...we're not, we're trying to relate to them our side of the story, however, they are so torn and placed in the middle of all this...and yes, some DIL's do make it a living bleep b/c if they're husbands, (our sons) say anything in our favor, our DIL's think, they are disloyal to them and siding with us, and visa versa...and I know that hurt, so I know my DIL was also experiencing that hurt, however, some DIL's do not...some are just so darn stubborn...not all of course...and it causes fights between them and disarry...so what would anyone do, but side with wife...I know if I were a Man, I would, (I think) depending on my age...however, if I were a man and this were going on now, at my age, I'd sit both of them down in front of me, and say, enough...I love you both...and I want this to stop...this is ridiculous...your both misunderstanding each other and it's going to stop now...

but most men, cannot do that...they fear causing any confrontation....I myself hate confrontation....

Pen, did you ever say this in front of your son and then ask him if he knows if there is anything you can do to correct this?

All I want is for DS to have the freedom/support to feel comfortable about maintaining a relationship with us. It breaks my heart when he can't talk freely when she's around. We get the best texts & calls and have the best face-to-face conversations when she's not there.


Marilyn

My son is the same way,YS,EX,and myself..........all say,you can tell when DIL is around when you call,and not there we you see them in person...........he is very different when she is around.

I guess he has learned to modify his behaviour...........like we have,to cope.

1Glitterati

Quote from: penstamen on May 06, 2010, 02:45:03 PM
I think that our husbands know we'll make their lives a living *bleep* if they go against us, so they often figure their FsOO will understand if contact is rare.

I think that can be true.  Honestly...sometimes I wish it were true in my house.  It's selfish, and maybe one day I'd regret it...but I'd be happier if he did what I wanted him to do in regards to his family.  He won't...so I drop the rope.

Marilyn

I appreciate your honesty glitterati.

Why would you be happier?

Marilyn

One time OS and DIL came down for a visit.........which she trys every thing in her power to not do.
When one of the GC cry,and it goes on and on it gets on son nerves,as mothers we can relate.I've been there done that.

When they got back home,son calls,says Mom GC cried to two solid hours............i was shocked!and heart broken,i said why would you let him cry like that,why would you not pull over?She would not let me,kept saying no,keep driving!..........Why would a mother not pull over to comfort her baby?

I really feel she knew this would drive him nuts,so he would not ask to come see me again.
And thats exactly what i heard the next time i ask them to come home.



When they first got married,he went hunting,She said,I'll show him........i just bought central vac,if he goes hunting i'll just spend money........2nd hunting season,bought a 2,000.00 piece of furniture.

I just dont get it!

1Glitterati

Quote from: Mominwaiting on May 06, 2010, 04:54:02 PM
I appreciate your honesty glitterati.

Why would you be happier?

Because they would be punished for what they did...by not having their son in their lives.  If they didn't have their son in their lives...they certainly wouldn't have our children in their lives.

I would also be able to force the sale of this house (which I don't have fond feelings for considering everything that has happened---and is right across the pasture from them) and we would move away with no forwarding address or phone numbers.

However, those things won't be happening.  Since they won't, I drop the rope.  I can only control my actions and feelings and choices.  No one else's.  I choose to drop the rope and withdraw.  HOnestly, once you say "I"m done with this" and are...things become a lot easier and a whole lot more peaceful and less anxious.

Marilyn

I take it they did some thing REALLY bad :(

I must of missed this story.

1Glitterati

Quote from: Mominwaiting on May 06, 2010, 07:15:29 PM
I take it they did some thing REALLY bad :(

I must of missed this story.

Yes...they did.  And...although I'm still angry and very bitter...it isn't anything like it used to be.  As I said before...just throwing my hands up and saying "I'm done" has bought me a lot of peace.  Has reduced a lot of stress around here, too.

Dh arranges his own visits and arranges kid visits after we talk.  We have our own holidays in the morning or early afternoon and then he goes and visits in the late afternoon or early evening if he decides to do so.