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DS almost in tears....

Started by themuffin, June 25, 2012, 07:19:56 AM

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themuffin

June 26, 2012, 01:16:37 PM #30 Last Edit: June 26, 2012, 01:33:44 PM by luise.volta
WHOA Ladies!!!!! :o :o :o  It was unbelievable!!! OMG.

So hubby and I arrive and we call son first. We didn't even venture to ring the doorbell.  He came down and got us.  He walked into the apartment first and we followed.  FDIL was sitting in a rocker with her back to us.  I peered over her shoulder and saw that the little one was sleeping.  Well, my heart just melted.  This is only the second time I've ever seen here and the first time seeing her in her baby tee shirt.  She was amazing to behold.  I said to Hubby, "Oh, the little one is sleeping."  I asked darling son if she just went to sleep, he replied yes.  I didn't even consider holding her while she was sleeping in her mother's arms. DS asked us to sit and I did. He went toward the baby and she gave her to him.  He handed me the baby.  I didn't decline this time.  She stayed sleeping,  making little facing and squirming a lot.  I held her for a while and then passed her to hubby because I wanted to take pictures.  Well, he sat there glazing at her and chuckling when she made her baby faces. She opened her eyes a few times.  I took pictures and touched her legs, her feet, her tiny hands....All the while FDIL appears to be texting.  DS is sitting across from her.  They exchange a few facial expressions.......without warning about 15 or 20 minutes into the visit she jumps up and screams at him.

"I can't believe you aren't going to say something!!!!  They walk into my house and they don't even speak to me????!!!!  Who does that???"  Well, she does. I always speak to her first when she comes to my home, but that besides the point.  Truth is after the 21 nasty text, being constantly told how phoney I am, I did not utter a greeting.  In hindsight I should have, but I don't think it was that serious.  This is the same person who didn't even thank us for the $1000 rent check.

She grabbed the baby from my husband, stormed into their bedroom and very loudly told DS she wanted us to get out of her house now!!!!  We got up to depart.  DS looked appalled and said it was his house too and to please stay.  We told him that we felt it best to leave and we left.

We were in the car and had begun to drive away when DS chased us down and asked that we return. He said he wanted to squash this now and that he couldn't go on like this.  We reluntantly went back and DS said that we were all going to end this now.  FDIL apologized to my hubby, (it's me she hates).  She ranted and raved about how terrible I am.  How I try to control DS, how I'm rude and disrespectful, how I am sacrastic and phoney.  You name it, I'm the scum of the earth.  She couldn't name anything specific, but it was how I made her feel.  She felt like I made DS lie to me which makes her life hard.  DS said to blame him because I didn't know he was telling me lies. We rarely talk so I don't know what lies she was talking about but she did make him admit that her mother has been by to see the baby everyday and can come whenever she wants. DS had said only once, on the day she came home.  He admited that he sometimes tells me lies so I won't feel hurt.  I actually thought that was sweet.  DS told her to say her peace because we needed to end this because it was making him sick.  That's when she told him he could get the out.  He insisted that we were going to talk.  We let her speak first. I didn't say a word.

DH spoke next. The first thing he did was say she was right.  We should have spoken when we entered her home.  He apologized and said we were wrong to do that.  Then he said that his grand daughter was in the room and this needed to stop.  He said other things, but this post would be too long to list everything.

Finally, I was asked to speak.  I didn't want to say anything.  I've tried defending myself in the past and it's never helped.  I was brief. I told her that she came in fighting and she's still fighting.  I told her that she has a hatred toward me that I don't understand.  I said that I've tried my best to be nice to her.  I asked her if being nice means you have to be phony?  I mentioned the money.  I did address not speaking to her.  I told her that she had sent me 21 nasty text and I don't know how to approach her.  I admitted that I didn't speak, but I said that I thought you would respect more instead of me being phoney and acting like nothing ever happened.  She actually seemed to understand that.

She kept saying that we were never going to be close, or friends.  When it was my turn I told her that I don't want to be her friend.  She seemed shocked.  Somehow I think she believed I wanted to be her BFF.

Anyhoo...she and DS are not doing well.  I gave them the family speech about not letting outside forces destroy them and their beautiful new family.  I told them to remember they love each other and to work it out.  I ended it with "Family is the most important thing in the world. Work it out."  I said more that that the the most important stuff.

We left.  DS called later to check on me.  He told me that they were going to seperate for a while.  I advised against that.

Well, that's it in a nutshell.

Thanks for all the comments ladies. I'll respond to them in a little while.

HUgs


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Doe

June 26, 2012, 01:36:03 PM #31 Last Edit: June 26, 2012, 01:46:59 PM by luise.volta
Yeow!

I admire your son for taking action - now it's all out on the table,  My only advice is to stop giving advice at this point.    Take a cue from Luise's Kirk's   "I'm listening and I'm tracking."

Glad you got the time with the baby.

luise.volta

I gottta' tell you, M, I'm amazed and impressed at how you survived that one! Good for you!

And just a reminder that if we can figure out what "blinking and blink" stand for, it's a no-pass. I have removed them. The only way I have figured out how to deal with language issues is to not go there...otherwise, where do we draw the line? It's in the Forum Agreement that everyone is required to read and agree to. Thanks.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Karenna

Muffin,

If they're at the point of separation, you need to be extra careful about not being one of the "outside forces tearing their family apart." If they stay together, FDIL will remember anything you do.  If they separate, DS will probably find it easier to blame you and her than to examine his own behavior.

Please don't try to be DS's ally against FDIL.  Just keep repeating, kindly and firmly, that you find it inappropriate to discuss their personal relationship or separation. 

Also, please try not to involve YS and his partner, or your MIL, in your fight with FDIL.  I know that you reach out to them for reassurance that they still love you and you're right.  But this isn't their battle.  To outsiders (like DS's therapist or FDIL's lawyer) it's going to look a lot like you're trying to turn the whole family against poor little FDIL.  This may affect how much you see your granddaughter later. 

Worse yet, you may poison your sons' relationship with each other for the rest of their lives.  YS already has no respect for DS.  DS will probably come to believe that YS is an opportunist who took advantage of his problems to cement his position as favorite child.

Just take a deep breath and step out of DS's relationship problems.  Repeat to yourself, "He's an adult.  He will be able to deal with it."

Best wishes!

luise.volta

M., Quoting Kirk again, (he's a licnesed counselor), "Hold him able."
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

pam1

Wow, TM!  At least some things are out in the open now.

I'm not a huge fan of your FDIL/DS and how they've treated you since you've posted here.  I do think you're right that things may be off with FDIL (21 texts???) and DS admitted to lying to you....but I've got to say, Karenna made some really good points in her post above me.  The way it played out in when the baby was born (I didn't see the thread until after it closed) and YS/MIL being involved/upset upset on your behalf probably will look to outsiders that you have a big part in all of this too.

I'm so sorry you're going through this and most definitely I think you deserve an apology for the 21 texts -- but some things on your end don't look too good either.  KWIM?
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

themuffin

First my sincerest apologies to Luise and all the other wise ladies. Sorry about the language. I used poor judgement in trying to relate how verbally abusive she was toward us.

As always you ladies are wise. I would never say anything against FDIL to DS. I think that my netural position has helped us reach the place we are today. In fact, I've tried to convince them that family is important and they should work it out. That wasn't a ploy, I really mean that. There is a baby involved and she deserves two, loving parents. Now it may not work, but they owe it to themselves and that baby to try.

I'm on my IPhone and it too hard to write all I want to wrote. Will write more as soon as o get to a computer.

Thanks for all the wisdom.

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lancaster lady

Oh Dear Muffin ....

I really feel for you , I would hate to be in the middle of all that family trauma .
I hope they can work things out .
Time to step back and hope for the best .

luise.volta

Not to worry, M. Look and see when you say things like "they should" and "they owe it to themselves to try." It is their issue to resolve, if they do, and to learn from, if they do. You had /have your marriage and your issues and these are theirs. Nothing to my way of thinking is any harder to get and to implement. Simple but not easy. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

Well dang.  Although I think it's good that everyone got to say their peace, I hate the visit turned out that way.

I agree that their relationship is their's to manage, and it's very wise that you left, but I do think it was very nice of DS to ask you to stay to talk things out, to chase you down and ask you to return and then to also call and check on you later.  It sounds like DS has some personal work to do on himself, but he is still showing his parents are important to him.  How many of us, me included, have said we wish our DS's would step up for his family at certain times and try to work things out.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

herbalescapes

I'm glad you got to see the baby.  I hope things improve.  Is it possible that DIL's mental issues are actually mental illness?  Doesn't make it a whole lot more palatable to deal with, but it can be comforting to know that it's nothing you've done and there is certain freedom in knowing that you simply can't solve a particular problem. 

I'll keep my fingers crossed that the situation improves for everyone - especially that little bundle of joy.

Lillycache

Oh My!   I'm so sorry it turned out this way for you Muffin.  How horrible that what should have been the happiest day seeing your first GD be tainted in this manner.  My heart goes out to you.  I think you handled it wonderfully though.. kudos to you.

Begonia

I'm just thinking of the stress for the poor baby.

Karenna: You stated this well and I agree.

M: It sounds like a lot of drama that would be best served by stepping away, refrain from counting who does what and how much (21 texts comes to mind).  Rise above it all.
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)

themuffin

Good Morning Ladies,

Sorry I was MIA. One of my furbabies is ill and I didn't even get on the computer yesterday.    :(   I just re-read the responses I got prior to going to visit.  It just really amazes and saddens me that so many of us can relate to these issues. 

I also re-read my post and I saw that I wrote we did mention the money.  Acutally, we didn't mention the money.  We could have countered her "you didn't say hello" with a "you didn't even utter a word of thanks for paying your rent", but we didn't.  I purposely didn't for two reasons.  #1 I didn't want to throw it up in DS's face that we gave him money.  I don't like when people do something for you and then constantly tell you about it.  I think saying something would have discouraged DS from every asking for help again.  #2, everyone present already knew, even FDIL.  I think it made us seem more mature and resonable.


Doe, I'm glad I went.  You wrote be polite and respectful, and perhaps we weren't respectful by not saying hello.  Although if I had known she would use that as an excuse to blow up, I would have said something.  It sounds like we entered rudely, but it really did not go that way.  She just wanted a reason and I'm actually glad it turned out that way because we all talked later.

Pam1, my FDIL scares me too.  She also scares my mother.  My mom actually thinks she's dangerous.  You've no idea how much I don't want to be around her.  But the funniest thing is that she kept saying that we were never going to be close, never going to be friends.  I have no idea why she seems to think I'm so desperate to be her friend.  I know that when we were on pleasant terms I told her that I always imagined I would be close to my son's wives and that they would become the daughters I never had.  At one time I had that hope for her, but it's long gone now.  When I told her I didn't want to be her friend, she was shocked!  And I don't want to be her friend, but I do want to know my GD. So I will be as respectful and cordial to FDIL as I have to be.   It's like taking Buckley's cough syrup.  It's awful going down, but the end result is worth it.

Tryingmybest, Spot on!!!  What you wrote was exactly what I was thinking, and exactly what happened!

LL- I feel a bit of guilt when I read the post that contain respectful.  It was not respectful not to speak to her.  Although it wasn't as rude as it sounds, and FDIL didn't need to react as badly as she did.  It is true that we should have uttered a greeting.  However, I still think she would have found something else to blow up about.  I believe that she understood when both hubby and I tried to explain why we didn't go out of our way to say hello.  It's not like we walked right past her, or looked in her face and ignored her.  We just instantly doted on the baby.

Lillycache, I do believe that DS will be allowed to bring GD over in the future since our talk.  FDIL had said she couldn't come because of a picture I had of DS and his prom date from HS.  When FDIL moved in for a year I put it away.  After the big blow up and when they moved out, I put it back.  The picture is beautiful and one of my favorites of DS.  FDIL rarely visits and she treats me badly, so I didn't see any reason not to display my picture in my home.  It was in my guestroom.  FDIL apparently had an issue that I knew nothing about because GD being allowed to visit me at my home is contingent to my agreeing to getting rid of the picture.  I agreed. We'll see what happens.

So sorry you didn't get to see your YGS until he was 16 months.  That's so sad that you missed so much. It is a crying shame that we have to go into combat to remain parents and grandparents.  If it were up to FDIL not only wouldn't I see GD but I wouldn't see DS either.  She resents our relationship.  I don't understand why because although it's better, it still nothing to be jealous of.  DS and I keep in touch but we aren't buddies.

I love that Maya Angelou guote.  It's true that FDIL has shown me who she is.  But a part of me understands how she got that way. When we were pleasant and used to talk she told me some very sad stories about the adults in her life, including both parents.  I think she just has a dislike for adutls and thinks that most are terrible people who just hurt and let you down.  Those who don't, those who are nice...Well, they're phoney.

I don't know what's going to happen with FDIL and DS. As much as I dislike her I don't want them to split.  I don't want them to stay in a unhappy relationship either.  I just hope they can truly resolve their issues, be happy and remain a family.  I know that that may not happen. 

Pooh, Isn't it something to think of your child's home as hostile territory?  We were a bit uncomfortable but we were not prepared for the attack.  Never in my life have I been thrown out of anywhere!  DH said that he wanted to tell her to get out and the the place was ours for the rest of the month, LOL. 

Luise, I'm so thankful that I have three DS. When DS and I had our issues it had me scratching my head wondering if I may have forgotten how terrible I must have been to make him treat me like that.  I thought I was pretty darn good!  Thankfully the other two validated my feelings and told that I was pretty darn good and that they believed the issues were simply DS's issues.  I'm grateful you have youngest DS, our webmaster ;D, to make you feel like the greatest mom we all know you are! 

Pooh...Ouch...I know that hurts  Although, I was allowed to know about the pregnancy saw sonogram picutures, and have pretty much been kept in the loop, I still doubt that I'll have a true grandma relationship with this baby.  YS and FDIL told me first!  They already live with us with my soon to be 1 year old grand daughter.  I know I will be involved with everything, even present at delivery.  One baby cannot replace another, but how blessed are we that we will still get to be grandmas! ;D 

So, I haven't called or texted DS since that night.  I dont want to smother him.  DH said that we will not be going over for another visit.  I think that's the right thing for right now.  Or course, if we're invited we would be go, but we certainly won't be asking.  I don't think we have any worries because I don't feel like we'll be getting an invitation any time soon.  And you know what??? I'm okay with that.

I checked DS facebook page Tuesday and saw that FDIL was completely removed. 

Oh well, better get to work. 

Hugs 



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themuffin

Hi Begonia,

   You are right about the baby. She's only 11 days old, but babies can pick up on bad vibes. A angry, hosile mother does not give off he same warmth and love in her eyes as a loving, peaceful mother.  Angry parents who are yelling at each other is also not conducive to rasing a loving and peaceful baby.  Which is exactly why I told both FDIL and DS during our talk that they shouldn't allow outside parties, not me or my husband, or her mom and her mom's husband, cause conflict in their relationship.  I told her that I've been with my husband for 30 years and at the end of the day we're still going to be together and I hoped the same for her mom and husband.  I said if all of this fighting is over the inlaws than take a break from us and save your family.
I would rather step back if it would allow them all to be happy, than force my way into a home and be a part of its destruction.  My GC doesn't deserve that. 

I have stepped away from FDIL, she just won't leave me alone.  She's a bully looking for a fight.  I think it's all she knows. 

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