DS almost in tears....

[Doe]

I agree - go!  Be your loving self to everyone you feel love toward and just be polite and respect of those you don't.  How can you go wrong there?  Yes, in imaginary universes you might be terribly wrong somehow but not in real life.

[pam1]

Let us know how it went!

Although, if you haven't gone yet -- I do agree with Pooh here.  I would say no, as well.  People like your FDIL scare me, for one thing.  Another, I would put my foot down on how I am to be treated.  Until I received an apology and saw true remorse, I would not be around your FDIL for anything.  I'm not even sure I would want the baby to come to my home without FDIL, it might hurt more if she goes off again and you're not able to see her.

In short, I would wait until I was confident the situation was safe for me.  That's just my take.  I know this has to be difficult, TM.

[tryingmybest]

   I guess I think the only way to approach things like this is to focus on what you want most. If you want to support your son and see and love your grandchild, you need to go. believe me if you don't go it will be turned around that you are rejecting them.
   BUT you have to totally detach emotionally from the DIL, because she will do her best to get a rise out of you so she can tell your DS that after she made this great concession YOU ruined it. You just have to work on tuning her out.

[lancaster lady]

When I made these first visits , I was respectful , but all my attention went on the baby . Tough times but worth the angst to see your grandbaby .

[Monroe]

I say ask your DS to bring the baby for a visit.  That way, you have a nice, peaceful visit with your DS and his child, the FDIL can be left alone to get ahold of herself, and you don't have to suffer her rudeness.

Maya Angelou wrote "When people show you who they are, believe them."

Your FDIL has shown you who she is.  Believe her. 

The good news is that there is still an "F" in front of that DIL.  Maybe they will NOT get married.  Surely your DS realizes that they have too many problems to form a stable marriage at this point. 

Have the baby visit you  - and save your money to help your DS with legal fees for the custody and visitation case. 

[Lillycache]

My prediction is that DS will NOT be allowed to bring the baby over to see GM...  Nursing will be used as an excuse.  My DIL didn't allow my DS to bring over the baby until he was weaned... even though she worked and pumped BM.  But what the heck... one excuse is as good as another..  so I didn't get to see my YGS until he was 16 months old. 

I guess I agree with the "go" group.  Keep focused on the baby and your DS, and keep the visit brief.  If DIL speaks to you, be respectful and polite.  You don't want to give her any more ammunition to be used against you.  Always be sure your son is right there so no stories or exaggerations can be told to him about what you said or what you did.  Isn't it a crying shame that we moms of the man have to prepare like we are going into combat just to protect ourselves?  It makes me furious.

[Pooh]

That's a great analogy Lilly, prepare for going into combat is exactly what it feels like.  I'm sure the DILs here with miserable MILs probably feel the same when they are visiting too. 

Monroe, I love Maya Angelou!

[lancaster lady]

I was told , 'We come as a unit or not at all !'

So now my GD is 2 and half years old , and last weekend my DS came with her , alone , for the first
time ...woohoo !As my DIL was away on a hen weekend , so progress has been made , took two years
but worth the wait .

I would really like to know what goes on in their minds , what makes us so offensive ?
Once my GD appeared , I was enemy number one !
now it's ,' You can have her anytime ' ......
I once started a thread entitled ''Is it me ?'' , this still holds true .....lol
I will never fathom it out .

Anyway Muffin do go , just to make them aware of your existence , and that you intend being
in your GC's life . Enjoy that baby .... :-)

[pam1]

LL, we probably won't know what goes through each mind, since everyone is different.  I've said it before, but we had plans on MIL not seeing our future baby until we are ready due to her behaviors towards us each visit and what we've witnessed at several family members births.  I'm sure she would think we were crazy to not let her see the baby, but it was for our peace of mind and stress levels. 

And actually, we were advised to keep troublesome family members away from our adopted child until she feels safe and trusts DH and I.  So maybe not quite the same but when we bring little girl home, MIL is not on the list to visit anytime soon or meet little girl.  Heck, no one is on the list just because we won't know how little girl is until we bring her here. 

Anyway, thinking more on this last night, TheMuffin.  How did it go???

[lancaster lady]

Oops ! Sorry about the waste of space ,.no idea how that happened 

[luise.volta]

I have mentioned before that my eldest DS thought I was the wicked witch of the North, South, East and West...and my youngest DS, our Webmaster, thinks I'm the greatest mom around.

When my first grandchild was born...to my eldest DS...it was a home birth by choice. I am a R.N. so I ofered any help they might need but they had my youngest DS, then 16 years old, come down and stay with their new born so they could both get some much needed sleep after the birth. I was not allowed because, "You have such negative vibes it would damage the baby."

Same mom...two DSs. 

[Pooh]

Same thing here.  Got OS that hasn't even told us about the prenancy, so doubtful I'll ever see that little one and YS that encouraged pregnant FDIL to move in with us and involving us with everything....who will ever know.

[luise.volta]

We won't, Pooh...that's for sure! Back to the old - Don't try to make sense of the senseless - addage, I guess.

[Pooh]

Yep.  It truly is useless to try and figure out what others are thinking if they have no desire to communicate.  I have better things to do with my time and energy 

[Karenna]

Muffin, I have a lot of sympathy for your position.  It's terrible to wonder when you'll see your granddaughter next.

Still, I would caution you not to "tattle" on FDIL to DS, like you just did with the text messages.  There are a few reasons:

1.  It's not good for your son.  You've mentioned before that he has anger management problems.  He's under a lot of stress with a new baby, and he's already seeing a therapist.  His relationship with FDIL sounds rocky already.  You don't have to feed this fire.  (I'm actually afraid of reading a post in the future that says something like, "My DS finally snapped and hit FDIL.  She left and got a restraining order.  Now the women's shelter won't let me see the baby at all.")

2.  It's not good for your son.  He seems to be setting up a dynamic where he's the poor victim in the middle, torn between two harpies.  You know that he's telling you that he sympathizes with you - is it possible that he's telling her what she wants to hear, too?   (My own son tried this, and it worked for years.  I thought DIL was bullying him, and she thought we were bullying him.  But in the end, being a perpetual victim wasn't helping him grow up and be an adult.)

3.  It's not good for you.  There's some short-term satisfaction in telling your son how awful she is, and having him validate your feelings.  But meanwhile, you're spending your one and only life planning what you're going to tell DS, how best to phrase it for maximum impact, anticipating FDIL's reaction, ducking her responses, and just basically rehashing everything.  Ruminating about this conflict will only leave you depressed.

Please consider this course of action instead:

Give your son some breathing room.  Don't talk about FDIL to him.  Don't pressure him for more time with the baby.  Keep your conversations upbeat and cheerful.  (Remember that he has a therapist to discuss these issues with already.)

If he brings up issues with FDIL and family, kindly but firmly tell him that you think it's inappropriate for him to involve you in his relationship with them.  If he needs something concrete from you, like rent money or a place to stay, he can ask.  But you aren't going to pick apart their flaws with him any more.

As for FDIL, don't give her the response she's looking for.  Take yourself out of this fight.  Don't respond to her texts.  Don't pick up when she calls.  Don't tell DS what she's up to.  Just ignore her.


I know this sounds cruel to your son - depriving him of your emotional support.  Maybe it feels like capitulation, but it's not.  Your son has to make some decisions about what kind of partner, father, and son he wants to be.  Your need for reassurance from him - the waffling about seeing the baby at the hospital, the weeping, the texts to tell him how FDIL is being mean to you - all of that is a big distraction from the work he needs to do on himself.

Internet hugs for you - I know this isn't easy.  I wish you the best.