ugh

[elsieshaye]

Haven't really had much contact with my son in the months since I asked him to leave (drugs, hostile behavior) apart from the occasional entitled, jerky email asking for random stuff, and the call from my cousin letting me know that my son wanted to go to my tiny piece of our family farm in Europe and grow pot. (facepalm) I've been wondering how he is, and getting occasional glimpses via Facebook. He has a very nice girlfriend, and gets along with her family. He's sort of working, and getting along with his dad somewhat better. I've been fairly content with not knowing too much more, or having more direct contact with him because it's usually so fraught with angst and drama.

So, I dreamed last night that my son was involved in drug running, and woke up this morning crying because it was just so frustrating and sad.

A couple of hours ago, I answered the door, and he was standing there. He's up for the weekend visiting some friends, and wanted to visit me. We talked for about half an hour, and nothing much has changed with him. He's still not on-planet, but he's a lot less hostile. He was actually friendly and pleasant. I initially offered him the couch tonight, but really couldn't stand the idea of him staying here, so I got him a hotel room for one night and handed him $40 for food. I know, I'm a sucker. I just couldn't -not- do it, KWIM? And he didn't ask or even hint that he wanted it. After a few more minutes, I said "well, have a good weekend and let me know you got back safely" and that was that. He also has my phone number now (although he hasn't paid his phone bill in months, so we'll see how that goes). I can always block him if he starts up with the hostile and abusive texting/calling again.

The frustrating and sad thing is that he's so aimless. He was telling me all about how he built his own hookah at Starbucks this morning out of a tea bottle, a can of red bull and some tubing. Because, building drug paraphernalia in public on a lovely Saturday morning in June is something to be really proud of.     At one point, I was asking him if he'd thought about working construction and apprenticing in carpentry or plumbing (because he was talking about how he really wanted to work in the trades) and he was telling me how he really felt that a solid knowledge of chemistry and physics would help him in the trades, because plumbing is like a big circuit made of water, and chemistry would help him understand adhesives. He's also talking about how he's been "urban camping" (aka sleeping rough). I can't fix this for him, and honestly I don't even want to watch while he works things out. I did leave an opening for continued contact, but am going to have to set up some serious boundaries. The first of which is that unannounced visits aren't going to get a welcoming reaction from me in future.

Ugh. I feel like such a dweeb.

[luise.volta]

What a tough situation. I'm so sorry DS's potential is so misdirected. For most of us, it's really hard to get that it's his choice...as well as his job to eventually face the consequences of those choices. Sending love...

[Doe]

Oh, Elsie - I love your since of humor.    What a testimony to how MJ can kill of ambition, eh?

I think your plan to cut off unannounced visits is a good one.  If he wants to get together, go to a movie with him so you don't have to listen to his hooka accomplishments.

[Pen]

How inventive of your DS! 

I hope for his sake he can use his talents for good things very soon.

[lancaster lady]

Understandably Elsie you have to protect yourself after all that went before .
I also feel your frustration at wanting him to achieve something more rewarding , but what can we do ?
Hopefully he will one day realise , that its his life he's making a mess of , and its not a rehearsal to get it
right next time .
Still he is still young enough to turn it all around , the sooner the better .
You will always be his Mom , and that's what we do ....be there .

[elsieshaye]

Thanks, Ladies.  I was able to put his visit aside yesterday and get on with my day, so I guess I'm a little more detached than I thought.  I know I have to let him just progress at his own rate, wherever that takes him.  Hard not to be impatient, though.  But spent time with friends yesterday and will be seeing my sweetie today for lunch, so keeping my focus on my own life and what I can do with that.  Did leave a note on his facebook wall, though, telling him it was good to see him and reminding him to let me know he made it home ok tomorrow, and that I loved him.   

[pam1]

Elsie, I think it's great that instead of letting him stay there, you gave him another option.  I think of home as my sanctuary and I don't think you need that kind of negative energy in it, especially overnight.

He sounds so very creative, hopefully he'll find some direction soon.

[Begonia]

Elsie:  Looking in from here (and I've been off the forum for quite awhile so am out of the loop with people's stories).  But it seems to me that when you listen to your son talk about his drug use it's like you think it's ok--this is not something to have a conversation about--it's like telling us about their sex lives...only this is illegal.  Perhaps he is waiting for you to stop listening to this craziness of his and draw the line.  I disagree about rewarding this kind of "creative thinking."  Maybe I am too old school but this would really cross a line for me.  And there would be no money given out (because we all know that drugs come first before hotel rooms). Not sure if you didn't want him staying or he didn't want to stay at your place???

Obviously, this does not make you feel good (by reading your post). My heart aches for you but tough love is where it's at with drugs. Yes, we are their mothers and will always love them.  Stay strong, Elsie....we are all struggling in our own way.  Your son is very lucky to have such a loving mom.     

[elsieshaye]

Begonia, he's well aware I don't approve.  The last year or so before I kicked him out for drug use we went through additional counseling and I employed a lot of tough love techniques with him.  I didn't let him go on about it when he brought it up on Saturday, and shut those lines of conversation down as soon as he brought them up.  We also talked on Saturday pretty matter-of-factly about how the drug issues had cost him a relationship with a cousin, who rescinded an offer to come visit because DS started talking about his drug use.  My main goal on Saturday was to keep some kind of relationship open while getting him out of my house as fast as possible.  He would've been happy to stay, but I couldn't stand the idea of having him in my sanctuary (as Pam very aptly put it).  The mistake I made was rewarding his drop-in visit and poor planning about not having a place to stay.  Not going to happen again, now that I know that dropping in may be something that happens again in the future.

[Ruth]

Elsie, I want to try and encourage you to see something positive in this recent event.  It reminds me a lot of the years in and out with my DS.  He used to 'brag' to me about growing pot in his basement, and I would spar with him about this, for several years this went on.  He seemed to like to 'shock' me, that was how I interpreted it anyway, but I'm not so sure these days.  I honestly think he was just clueless about most of that stuff.  He always had a hard time connected the dots as far as non-concrete things were concerned.  Yes he also would have shown me a hookah and acted like he thought it was cool.  He always knew I was straight as an arrow.  Gradually, I got too tired to engage with him.  I would just somewhat nod and blank out, it wasn't a tactic on my part, I was just spent out, and going down the tubes emotionally, I couldn't handle it any more.  I can only now look back and see how bad I was then.  Then two years ago he did the cut off, and as bad as it hurt me, it probably saved my life.   I never did once turn him away, however, during all those hard years.  Anytime he reached out to me I did what I could, what I thought was right.  But then suddenly it seemed he got his act together, I knew he had quit the pot because his behavior had changed so radically.  The beligerence had largely stopped and he was very low key again.  He began to sporadically contact me.  He's now cited to graduate in Aug with a degree in Physics, also.  He just seemed to get ready a little late in life (32 now).  But all in all, I'm coming to terms with it now.  I've learned better how to communicate with him now, his style, which is stay on the formal side and keep it brief.  We're never going to be 'close' but I think we have more of an understanding now than we ever did, and a measure of mutual respect for each other.  What I'm saying is don't despair about it.  I think, judging from my long past with my DS, that it was a positive thing that you had this struggling, awkward moment together again.  Give him time and expect better things ahead, just my humble opinion.  I don't think you were a sucker for putting him in a hotel room, he's your kid and you did a loving and unselfish act.  He won't forget that.  I believe actions speak much louder than words with these kids.   I do think you've sewn some good seed in your boy and that in time he will surprise you, in a good way.

[Pooh]

I think you did well with a tough situation.  I also think you figured out quickly after it was over what your new boundaries with him are and what you are willing to do and not do.  You left the door open just enough for him to know you're still there and now if he continues to persue the relationship, I think you do know what you will tolerate.  He caught you off-guard with just showing up and you reacted as any Mother would with the hotel and money.  Our instinct is to love and protect.  Just because we have made tough decisions about our AC, that instinct, when we have are caugh off-guard, doesn't go away.    Now, you are ready if there is a next time.

[Pen]

^^^ This! 

[firelight]

I think you did great Elsiehaye.....