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My MIL tried to cheer me up....bless her heart

Started by themuffin, June 19, 2012, 10:00:16 AM

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themuffin

I don't know if I ever mentioned that a very long time ago I did not like my MIL.  We had a major falling out and I wasn't allowed in her home for about a year.  Well, hubby and I got married and were expecting GS number one and it was if the fallout had never happened.  We never mentioned it again and we sort of got along, but I still didn't like her.  Even when she treated me decent I decided to dislike her for things she had done to DH in the past.  Mind you, he was fine with it.  MIL had taken him to live with his grandmother at the age of 5, placed him on a swing and didn't see him until ten years later.  I thought that was terrible.  Forget that he said had a happy childhood with his GM and that he still loved his mother.  Anyhoo....I tried to let it go and to like MIL.  She was a okay grandma to our boys for a few years.  But that changed when she got foster children.  She almost forgot that she had grandchildren.  No more birthdays for them, but she threw parties for the FC.  If we told her she missed a birthday she would reach in her purse and hand them a $20 bill, no card, no cake, no nothing.  They were just children.  We went over there every Christmas and usually the kids got enough to make them happy.  But after a while they would only get socks and underwear while the FC got what appeared to be the contents of a small toy store.  Oh, it made my blood boil to see their hurt and disappointed faces.  Still I said nothing...at least to her.  DH got a ear full.  The years went by the boys got older...they love her, she loves them but they aren't close like me and my grandma.

But in her defense she is who she is.  She's never been the loving, thoughtful and nurturing type.  She doesn't even remember the birthday of her one and only child.  But if we need her she's there for us.  She has her own very full life, but she checks on us every few weeks.  She's a special kind of person but I've grown to love her.  We talk, laugh and get along.  She's always giving me something she can no longer wear, or something she got me because she got herself one. 

She's never been a wonderful grandparent or even a wonderful parent, but she is there and she is family.  DH related to her the events of our first GD and how we felt excluded and how hurt I was.  Well, bless her heart....she called me to tell me not to be upset and that I shouldn't worry about seeing the grandchild at all.  She basically said if I see the baby that's great, but if not life goes on.  She said babies are no big deal and that she'll (FDIL) will need me before I need her.  I wasn't surprised by this or even offended.  That is just her way. I'm not sure how she was raised or what her family life was like.  In her own way, strange as it was, she was reaching out to comfort me.  In those harsh and insensitive words she expressed to me that she was showing me love and support.  And I appreciated it.

Nope, she wont' get any awards.  You should know that this is the same woman that told me that we should have just put our dog to sleep when he needed costly hip surgery (hubby said he'd sooner put her to sleep, lol) The same woman who still hasn't realized that she missed her son's birthday....again.  It was June 6th, and he's a little ticked, lol. This is the same MIL who never came to the hospital when any of her GC were born and who only had the oldest one over night one time.  But she did reach out to me and give me an emotional hug....bless her heart.  It's been 28 years and I understand her and I love her very much.

Well, just wanted to share that. :)

Hugs WW

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Didi.lost

You are a wonderful and caring person to accept MIL as she is.  I know it
gets frustrating when they forget their own sons birthday.  My MIL does that too, but she is there if we need her too.  It's just their way as you put it.
Bless you

luise.volta

When we can have others be how they are...what a relief! Good for you! Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Ruth

This really really inspired me.  I wish we could clone you.  This is such a generous, insightful, and mature spirit.  I think also you just gave a lot of people permission to accept the irregular people in their life the way they are, and release (them) from the obligation to keep trying to change them, while reinforcing the wisdom of taking care of yourself in the process.  I love the way you wrote this, you didn't minimize any of the damage done over the years by your MIL, nor try to justify it, but at the same time neither did you condemn it.  That is a very difficult road to take, and stay on.  And this wasn't just some peripheral relationship that you were able to remain at a great distance from, while tossing something generous and meritorious over the fence line!  She is someone whose vicissitudes you've had to endure for many years.  Most of the anguish we endure as far as relationships are concerned is the unwillingness to accept and come to terms with the raw material.   You have done well.  I wish I could say I am where you are.

lancaster lady

Hey Muffin , thats just how she is , but isn't it great to know she's there when the chips are down ?
Thats when you know who your real friends are .
I have a friend who is as nutty as a fruitcake , forgets her own birthday sometimes , but you know she's there
through thick and thin .
To some folk birthdays and anniversary's are just another day , but phone them in the middle of the night
and thats another matter , great to have them on your team .... :)

Beth 2011

I think accepting someone for who they really are is what is boils down to and when you open yourself up and are rejected because you are not what they want in a MIL, or DM  that is what hurts.  But what really hurts the most is that you are ready to accept them with all their quirks, baggage and know that there will be bumps in the road ahead but they refuse to reciprocate because they don't need you right then or you can't do anything for them.  Then you finally realize how self centered they are or have always been and you are shocked to the core because you were blinded by your love.   

Footloose

Bless your heart, Muffin! I only hope your children get this acceptance from YOU! You are a great example!  HUGS!<3 

Pooh

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

themuffin

Good Morning Ladies,

  I have to say that I was so pleased to see these responses this morning. Things got very busy at work yesterday and I didn't get to check back often.  You WW are simply the best. Where else could I write something like that and receive such support and understanding? 

:) Thanks for saying that Didi. Lost  :)  It made me  smile to know that there's another mother out there who forgets her son's birthday, LOL. I'm glad that you accept and understand your MIL as well....so sending blessings right back at you!  ;D

Thanks Luise!  It was a process but we made it.

Dear Ruth... I don't know what to say.  You're reply made me feel good from head to toe..THANKS SO MUCH!!!

LL you made LOL.  Thanks for sharing your "nutty" friend.  She gave me a laugh and warmed my spirit all at the same time.

Beth, it is so true that it hurts when even when we are willing, ready and able to accept them, they still reject us.  Sadly, those are the ones that we should leave behind knowing in our hearts that we did all we could.  It's sad but it's there issue and has no bearing on the wonderful person that you are.

Thanks Pooh and Footloose. You are both wonderful!

HUGS to all of the WW here!

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pam1

Nice post, TheMuffin.  It got me thinking (watch out now!) if things will eventually shake out like that for me and my MIL at some point.  I think time does wonders and adds perspectives.

And really, I like the fruitcakes.  Most seem to be very clear with their intentions and so I can better understand if someone just doesn't remember birthdays vs a person who remembers only selective birthdays.  But that maybe because I'm a birthday forgetter myself :)
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Barbie

Muffin,

I loved reading your post.

I know how difficult it is for you right now, I was in a similar situation.

When our DIL was seven months pregnant with our first GC we asked her what her plans were at the time she went in the hospital, if she wanted us there, etc., her answer was that her mother was going to be there and that she would let us know and that was the last we heard. When the time came for her to go to the hospital our DS called me to let me know but never mentioned anything about wanting us there (we live about 4 hrs away), then the 2nd time DS called me to tell me about DIL's progress, still didn't mention anything and before we hung up the phone I said to him that his grandfather thought that we (DH and I) should be there to what he responded: "then come"! Well, for me that was too late, shortly after, we had a very bad storm and couldn't make it to the hospital until the next day. Things went from bad to worse and now there has been some improvement but I have zero expectations and I am very thankful to this forum for helping me with that, it's not easy to do but the sooner you get into that frame of mind the better. I have pretty much adopted your MIL's attitude towards GC and I'm/we are a lot happier. DH and I have a good life and if and when we see our DS and GD, that's fine, if not that's ok too.

I wish you the best.

Hugs,

Barbie.

Begonia

This post brought a lot of memories back of my MIL.  We only had one little conflict and after that we had a very wonderful relationship until she passed on.  By then I had divorced her son for a lot of years, but she never once took sides on that and was a very loving GP to my kids.  I love how eloquent this post is about your MIL. 
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)