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Will and Power of Attorney dilemma. WWYD?

Started by Lillycache, June 14, 2012, 05:43:00 AM

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Footloose

LA, I must bow to your reserve!  Way to take the high road:)  She is not worth any more explanation or confrontation on your part.

"You knew it was a snake when u picked it up so why be surprised that it would bit you?"

She is a snake as her comments prove so do not allow her to bite you.  A close friend who is willing and who you trust is the person you must select for now.  You can change it any time you wish if that relationship is not the best for this duty in honoring your wishes.

Many professionals will advise the best POA is a non family member due to family conflicts that can be created by disagreements and possible greed.  Always ensure the family knows who the POA is and the explicit wishes you have for yourself.

Thanks LA, you have made me aware of this outstanding item in my life plan too.  I will get going on obtaining my non family POA as well.  I do NOT want my DIL or my son to decide MY future!  YIKES! 

I often joke that if ever I get to the point were I need FT care or God forbid, hospice, my solution is my Ruger 38 and a single bullet?!  or hey, maybe I should include a hit man in my POA?  LOL!

Hugs!  <3


Lillycache

She may very well have typed that stuff in jest or trying to be cute to her online buddies..  She did include the ROTFLOL emoticon.  But as the old saying goes.. Many a truth is spoken in jest.... and I simply cannot take that chance.  Things like this are hardly a laughing matter the older you get, as they become a very real issue.  I'm tired..  tired of family drama and dirty business.   Believe me when I tell you, I have had my fill.   I have to focus on my health and the time I have let on this earth. My DH has questioned the wisdom of naming my older son as my alternate agent.  I tend to agree, but I have no one else, at least no one that I am close enough with  to feel right about saddling them with that responsibility. 

pam1

Lillycache, I can see how it could be a joke  to her, but honestly I would find it worrying too.  Joke or not, that is some serious business.  Just for a short term solution, why not add your DHs older sister until you find a replacement?  Life is really too short and this is serious enough (for me) that I would take the easy road and just remove them entirely without a word. 

Good luck
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

luise.volta

It wasn't funny. End of story. Anyone who would ROTFL at the idea of neglecting, abusing and torturing you at the end of your life, when you were unable to defend yourself and had no advocate, should probably become a 'former' relative or friend. I'm serious. I suggest you also go to FB and copy and paste all of it...transferring it to a Word document. You might need it later, if you ever run up against..."Me, never! You must have misunderstood." (Implying it would be 'Just like you to.') Insulting, terrifying, sick, disgusting stuff...all of it! As you can tell...I'm seeing red here! I'm 85 and this is my world.

My MIL lived to be 104. She lived her life out in a high-end retirement center with three shifts of nurse-companions...at the then-cost of over $7,000 a month and there was virtually nothing left when she passed. It was her money, not ours, and we were all happy that she got to live the way she wanted to. It's no walk in the park, even then. Sending love...

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Doe

I'm curious what sort of online forum was it and how it came to your attention? 

NewMama

Just wanted to second the idea that you should keep a copy of it - print it out or screencap it if you're tech savvy. If you do remove DS and he presses for an explanation you want to have a copy in case she deletes it.

herbalescapes

Whether DIL was truly joking or using humor to express a true sentiment doesn't matter.  Her comments truly upset Lilly, and I don't think Lilly will have a decent night's sleep as long as YDS is her alternate POA.  I recommend following Louise's earlier suggestions about non-family POA candidants.  Then mention it to both DSs so there is no surprise if the situation arises, but do it casually, as if it isn't a big deal.  If pressed for a reason, I'd suggest mentioning how you didn't want to be a burden.  Keep a copy of DILs comments for your own records, but confronting DIL or DS about them could just backfire and cause more drama than you can handle. 

Good luck and i commend you for taking the topic of a POA seriously.  So many people do it with rose-colored glasses on and get really screwed over. 

Lillycache

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful advise... and also for understanding that this is a very disconcerting thing to have happen.  Fortunately, I have discovered it now instead of later.   I am going to look into a professional healthcare agent to have as alternates for both DH and I.   I am going to ask our finanial planner who has managed our finances very well for 10 years now IF he would consider being a paid agent for finances and be alternate for both of us.  This takes the responsibility away from both my DSs and any influencing factors. 

PS... Copies made and filed away in case they are needed.

Pooh

Ha!  Momma Luise is mad too!!!!  :)

The comments were not funny.  Even if she meant them as a joke, with her history of doing this, throwing accusations, etc...this was not a one time thing.

You are taking the high road and a good person.  I would have answered, plastered them on facebook, etc. not to be caught up in the drama or be confrontational, but actually the opposite...to end it with everyone knowing why.  I know you love your DS, but I would be done with her after that.   I have a huge pet peeve on any abuse, but on children and the elderly makes my blood boil.

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

FAFE

We have left our dd as our health care and financial POA simply because she lives 30 minutes from us and her 2 brothers live 12 - 14 hours from us.  They can all discuss what happens, but she will be the final decision maker and we have long term care insurance and I have told her after that to throw us in the woods and leave us there.  (She would not do that, but she will be the one to chose our nursing home unless we beat her to it.)  BTW, I did participate in chosing AL for both my in-laws as my DH and his - not so DB couldn't deal with it.  But, I did not do it maliciously (sp) or with my own gain in site. 

I think you are doing the right thing with the changes you are making.  Many times things will go more smoothly with emotions being left out of it.  If DIL makes any more remarks about your future, I would gently say - oh, didn't we tell y'all that we have made alternate arrangements and they will be notified at the appropriate time as to what the arrangements are.  Maybe she won't go out and spend it all before she gets it.

To be honest, I have used that line before but in jest - always.

Hope you have found some peace in your decision.  Hugs!

lancaster lady

Coming in late here .....

There is not a chance that I would trust my final days to someone with not an ounce of empathy in her body !
Steer clear , at least you now know what she thinks about you .
Non family members would perhaps be more sympathetic to your needs .
Forewarned is forearmed .
I hope its a long way away before its needed , wishing you good health Lilly.

Lillycache

When you stop and think about it... there is always a risk in having an heir taking care of both financial and healthcare decisions.   Money is a great motivator and family is not immune... I learned that the hard way. When they see exactly how much money there is, and they know that they are set to inherit it upon your death, they can be tempted to scrimp on how much is spent.   It may be best all the way around to keep family out of those decisions. A person not set to get a dime may be able to make better decisions.  You can always pay someone for the services involved in being your agent.

luise.volta

LC - Very wise. Of course, if you have absolutely nothing to leave, as in my case, that lowers the risk! Kirk will have all of the pain and none of the gain. To lessen the pain part of it, I have done what others might consider. I've done my own down-sizing, picked my own retirement center that is complete with assisted care and a nursing facility, when needed, and relocated. I did it when I was 73 and still very productive. Some come here in their 60s! Another 'career' has followed of active volunteering. I have interviwed new residents and presented them to the community, worked as a waitress in our open restaurant, been on a committee that put on programs and picnics, answered the phone in the nurses station, taken over the front desk and swtich board during lunch hours, written articles for our various publications, comtributed to our website and I have spoken in behalf of the Warm Beach Retirement Center at zoning hearings and marketing programs. I'm a once-upon-a-time-Catholic but/and I have spoken before the annual Free Methodist Northwest Conference. I didn't come here to die, I came here to work and play. And when I die I fully intent to be used up. :-) www.warmbeach.org is a prototype that anyone who is intestested can research on the web for a model to seek close to home. (And people come here from near and far.) Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Footloose

Aw, Luise, I love ya girl! 
I wanna be just like you if I ever grow up:)  Will you be MY mom?  LOL!
many hugs!!!!

Seriously, I have only been on his site for a short time and I find great delight in virtually meeting all of you ...or Ya'll, as they say in the ATL....I'm still a Buckeye yank and have absolutely no accent at all;)

luise.volta

F - If I ever grow up...I'll let you know! LOL!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama