I dreamed that my new GD was born but i'm still in Granny Time Out

[luise.volta]

I honestly think we could say "Good morning!" and be told we just said something unforgivable, if the other person was looking for it hard enough. Sending love...

[Footloose]

I have been away as many things have been happening lately.  My grandchild number 4 was born sometime in June but I was never told, nor was any of his FOO.  I found out because one of my friends saw her pic on DIL's FB page. I fired FakeBook back in May because I always felt like a voyeur and it hurt too much to see how I was already excluded even when they kept me around b4 the big Time OUT in March this year.  This timeout has sent me thru a world of hurt and near breakdown!  To not share the joy of a new baby with your mother?!  WOW!  how much more hurt could you inflict on me?  Nothing he does will ever hurt me so much as this! Even his own death will be easier to take than this!  This was ON PURPOSE:(

My son's father passed away at the end of July at age 55. His sister passed away not 2 mos earlier and now, my x inlaws have no local family to assist except for me and my son.  My son has excluded them and has not been in contact since their wedding.  None of my son's grandparents, aunts uncles or any FOO (besides me) have even met the children born to this couple. 

My FIL called to tell me the news and I asked if he was going to call my son and tell him.  FIL knows that I am in a pickle w/ him and since DS has not been in any contact w/ his GPs, and told my FIL the last they spoke "not to tell me when my dad passes cuz I do not care.  He has been absent my whole life...."  My FIL did not want anymore drama and had as much as he could take w/ the loss of both his children in less than 2 mos so I knew it was up to me.

I tried to contact DS via email and VM and left messages. "there has been a death in the family, please call me as soon as possible." Keep in mind that my bro and his fam live near the CO movie massacre and it had just happened.  It could have been them or any other person!  I did not want to tell him his dad was dead over media.  I have no way of knowing if he even listens to VM or he may even have me blocked on email for all I know.  I was going to tell him this directly to be sure he got the news as he loves the blame game and I did not want to hear any whining later in life how I didn't tell him,  etc.....

2 days later and no word from DS and I was searching the web for news about the baby (maybe a birth announcement or something?) and found his LinkedIn profile.  He changed jobs back in May and the new company is in AZ.  Holy cow!  Could he be moved away?!  Likely, as he did not care enough to share the news about his new daughter,  why would he bother to tell me they all moved away?!

I told myself, "wait till DH comes home and we will go over there together"  My unsettled mind would not let me wait as I was driving home from the fitness ctr.  "I am half way there right now.  Why wait, be in traffic and take a 2hr round trip to find he doesn't live there anymore?"

With pounding heart and sweaty palms, I  turned the car towards the direction of his house. I called her cell but no answer and left no message. 9:30AM, I arrived to find trash set at the curb.  "good, someone still lives here."  Got to the front door window and yes, their things are still here.  WHEW!

My 6 YO GS peeked to see who was knocking and when he saw me, he lit up, grinning ear to ear, fists clenched with excitement and he actually jumped for joy!  I could see him say, "GiGi, it's YOU!!!!" He was so happy to see me and it felt so good! I asked where was everyone and he said they were still sleeping.  I came in and we sat on the stairs to the upper home for a few minutes and he began to look scared and worried.  He just realized that he let me in and mommy and daddy did not like me at the moment.  I held him close and looked into his beautiful eyes and said,
  "Oh baby, I hope I didn't get you into trouble! I am so sorry I have been away but please know that I have loved you every second from the minute I met you. (at 14 mos as he was from her prior marriage and my son later adopted him)  I have enjoyed our time together so much because you are such a kind, creative and good boy who is so much fun to be with.  No matter what happens, I will love you every day of my life and will never forget you.  You will live right here (i pointed to his heart and mine) for the rest of my life and YOU will always be MY number ONE grandson." We hugged for a while and he stopped crying...then I said, with much trepidation, "Now lets go wake mommy and daddy."

I followed him up the steps to the playroom, just outside of the master BR.  He knocked at the BR door and then immediately ran back and jumped into a play tent, zipped it shut and rolled up into a ball, hiding. 

The door flung open and my son began to rage,
"Get out of my house!  You do NOT belong here!  This is breaking and entering!..."  I began to walk towards the stairs and said, "Let's go outside, let's talk away from the children" (others still asleep) He pointed at my poor 6yo GS with a look of pure hate and evil and the message was, "u r in deep trouble"

As he followed me, yelling the whole way, down the stairs, I pleaded, "Please do not punish him, my being here is MY fault."  He just kept screaming, Get out of my home!! I'm going to call the police!!"   I said, stalling for time so he could fully wake up and maybe be reasonable, "Do what you need to but I came here to tell you something important and am not leaving until I do."  He continued screaming and then began punching the air in a full rage.  i said,  "Do you want to hit me?  What got us here to this point?  Are you going to look me in the eyes and tell me you want me out of your life?"  HE yelled, "THIS is what got us here.  You don't respect my boundaries,  you don't respect me as an adult, u think i owe you something, NOW GET OUT of MY house!" He began to shove me towards the door and i had to struggle to keep my feet planted. I told him the news of his dad dying.  He hissed, SO WHAT?! Great, Terrific!" He shouted again, "GET OUT NOW!" w/ another shove, almost knocking me down.  AS he slammed the door and locked it I lost my cool and yelled back,  "Just remember your behavior will get you burned in Hell!" I left, very shaken but not crying, no more tears for you, DS.  I have none left!

[Lillycache]

Dear dear Footloose...   I have no words to express the pain I feel for you at this moment and the rage I feel toward your son.  I am so sorry.....  so very sorry.... 

[SCW]

Oh, Footloose,
I am so sorry you had to experience the wrath of DS.  No one, who gave so much of life to another deserves that kind of behavior.
Poor Poor GS, I pray he will be ok.  I know, when he is older, when he can he will reconnect with you.  Good for you for standing your ground.

[Pooh]

I'm so sorry Footloose.  That was just horrible all the way around except you got to tell GS how much you loved him and he'll remember that.

[Karenna]

I respectfully disagree.  Your 6-year-old GS shouldn't be opening the door to anyone when his parents are sleeping.  Put aside the possibility of thieves or violent criminals persuading him to undo the lock.  What if he let the younger children out by accident?  Or a neighbor stopped in and got an eyeful of Dad in his boxer shorts?  I think DS absolutely should speak with GS about this.

You were able to waltz into his home uninvited, and have access to his very small children while he was totally unaware, and that's probably really scary to him.  If you could do it, so could anyone else. This fear probably fueled his angry response.


---
n.b.  I had my kids back in the 70s, before "stranger danger," yet we still had to install a chain lock on the door to keep my ds from letting any adult with an air of authority in.  He loved company.  Door-to-door salesmen, proselytizers, survey-takers, charity collectors, you name it.

[Footloose]

Karenna,  I get your point, globally but it does not apply here.  I am NO stranger.  The other children were asleep and I did not leave any door open.  I have been over to their home on many many occasions.  I was asked to "help" with a down payment and co signature but had to decline as I cannot be on the hook for anyone's 30 yr mortgage.  I have brought over full dinners, cooked, served and cleaned up on holidays and paid for dinners for at least 10 times in the 3 yrs he has lived there.  It was 9:30 AM on a work day and why wouldn't they get up and answer the door themselves?  The children have no reason to believe I am any danger and I am not.  Stranger danger only applies to strangers and that is not me.  I respectfully disagree with you.  If DS would have simply came to the door himself, I could have told him thru the crack, ya know?!

Besides the fact that I am no stranger,  my 6YO GS is the doorman on every visit.  He is the one to ALWAYS come to the door.  So I did not create this dangerous role for him, his parents did!

I was not a danger when:
I financed the engagement ring and later paid it off in full as a wed gift after receiving no payments for months

Paid over $5k for a wedding rehearsal dinner and reception she insisted be formal and include  6maids and 6 groomsmen

I babysat my 1st GS (under 2ys old) for their honeymoon for a full week at my home

Helped them move onto the new home and kept kids away from real danger

I kept the children overnite at least twice a month working for the first 2yrs

Came over to their home in a minutes' request to let them shop each Christmas for the children way past midnight, alone in their home, ready to pounce and show that danger u speak of?!

Cosigned on 2 new vehicles so they could get prime interest from my perfect credit score.  The Honda Odyssey, I was hard sold by my DIL with her projected visions of all those beach vacations we were going to take together but never did.  Instead I saw on FB how she went with others but excluded me. 

Bought car seat, bedding, strollers, diapers, food, PJs, slippers, socks, almond milk, shoes, winter coats, rain coats, rain boots, on and on and on.....and everything I would need when caring for the kids at my home.  It is expected that all GPs in these kids lives buy their own stuff so the parents do not have to pack it all up.

I could go on and on to prove how ridiculous it is for me to be considered any threat.  I know i didn't have to buy theses things but the power of time with the GKs was always a prime factor.  Better not step out of line else you too with be cut out of our lives and ripped from the children's' future memories.

My DIL lived with her xhusbands parents when she had my adopted GS.  She speaks kindly of her xMIL but none the less, she left that family and her DH when my GS was 3mos old, he is 6 now and no contact with that family has been made since.  "Off with their heads?!" They did this to a couple who took the role of full time GPs for my 1st GS b4 she met my son and until after the wedding.  They were imperfect but so loving and kind to my GS.  They too had to buy all the supplies and even got diapers thru a discount at his employer.  They were good enough to be his true GPs until they too were no longer needed or wanted by these adult CHILDREN.

I supplied them with tools and a privacy fence and a huge gym set for the yard to the tune of $1950 for Christmas 2011.  I offered to buy one from Sams for under $900 but she told me that her mom would pay half but never did.  I was told the same thing when I was asked to meet them at Sams to buy a mattress and box spring queen Sera (much better than I have!) It sat on the patio for 6 mos or more w/o being set after me and DH volunteered several times.  (i did see it set up when i applied my danger visit)

This is the bottom line.
I never set true boundaries myself, but did what I was told and "took my crumbs" for years.  In doing this myself, I let all of this ill treatment continue.  Well no worries about any danger from me as I plan to become a perfect stranger and will never contact them again.  I am completely done with him and will remain far away.

He wrote me an 11 pg letter to give me a written attack to remind him why I'm no longer in his life.  He exaggerated, took facts out of context and outright lied about me losing one of the kids, locking another out of the house on the same visit.  These events NEVER happened on MY watch!  I think he embellished the letter so his wife could better understand his cruelty to me.  He is a pathetic victim, according to his letter.   

My son is a cerebral narcissist as was his father. Look it up and u can see clearly what I am dealing with. I was their narcissistic supply but no more!  I am getting healthy and smarter every day.  I will no longer allow toxic people into my life and that includes crazy family members and even the one I gave birth to! 

I have been studying psychology and genetic tendencies and if I knew back then what I know now, I would have NEVER had any children for fear of passing on the curse!  Mental illness runs thru both sides of my son's lineage.  I am surprised that I did not see this before but I too have the curse of mental illness.  Yes, I too am a nut with anxiety and care taking, codependent tendencies.  I true giver of self and time but can easily become a doormat. BTW, this is not a self diagnosis but rather one that came from a head shrink from a prominent hospital via 2 hrs of psychological testing.

So I too, respectfully disagree

[ImBack]

I also agree w Karena. I have a 6yr old who knows not to open the door for anyone, relatives included until we give him the ok.

I also agree with your son that you have issues respecting his boundaries. Showing up at someones house and refusing to leave when asked to multiple times is stomping on boundries in an enormous way.

[Doe]

Think about it, Footloose - you have all this experience with your son and have made all these conclusions about him.  You must have known that you shouldn't enter his house at the invitation of a young child.  You might want to chalk this one up to a bad choice made.  No shame, just a mistake made.

[Doe]

I'm not saying what your son did was right, just that if I woke up to someone who thought I was mentally ill walking around my house with my young children, I would be upset, too.

[Lillycache]

I can certainly understand how entering his home may not have been a good choice, but after reading all of what you have done for them over the years, how you might feel that you should be  shown a little more consideration than a stranger off the street.  That said, FL.... it appears that the their position has hardened and will unlikely change in the near future.  Why don't you total up all that they owe you and all that they have promised to pay back but never did... hire an attorney and send them a bill with a repayment schedule?  Make sure it goes out on the attorney's letterhead.  You will probabley not get anything but satisfaction and you certainly will drive home your final point.  Or you could simply chalk it up to more experience and move  on.   A lot easier said then done when it's your flesh and blood treating you with such distain.

[NewMama]

I don't think they way your son handled this was probably correct, but I also don't think it's unreasonable to be upset if someone I clearly didn't wish to have contact with came into my home uninvited to tell me something I clearly indicated I didn't wish to know. He never responded to VM or e-mails - again, clearly didn't wish to make the contact. I don't know the circumstances of your estrangement, but I just don't see how on any level this would've ended well. At all. You may get to be right about notifying him so he couldn't blame you in the future but it just ended with upset all around - you, him, and your GS. Sometimes you have to choose being happy over being right.

[Lillycache]

I was estranged from my father at the time of his death.  This was HIS choice not mine and I had tried repeatedly to reconcile, but dementia and alcohol had him in its grips.   Anyway, I learned of my Dad's death several weeks after he was buried by a condolance letter from his labor union.  I was incredibly hurt and devastated.  There is nothing more painful than living out your life without having been able to make final amemds or at least get the closure from final services.  I was denied it all by a greedy evil sibling.   Your son may say he didn't want to know or doesn't care.... but he does.   And not being part of the final arrangements will haunt him for the rest of his life.  You were trying to save him from this and your heart was in the right place. 

[Footloose]

You are correct and I knew going over there that I was intruding AND crossing a known boundary.  I do have trouble in doing the right thing.  I have always said that I will do the RIGHT thing even if it is unpopular or not 100% correct.  The right thing IS simply the right thing and I am the one who will act accordingly.  Yes i am stubborn too and sometimes to a fault.  It is not about opinions, politics or preferences.  I do NOT have to be right in my thoughts when they oppose another's.  I do love a friendly debate but respect other view points.

The right thing that I speak of has to do with humanity.  The golden rule, etc...  I will defend the underdog, I will help the weak and downtrodden and I will answer the tough questions and always do the right thing even when I CAN SUFFER AS A RESULT.  I am proud of this sense of morality and justice and cannot help but act when action is needed. 

actalul event example:
I saw a woman get smacked in the face by a man while holding a baby.  i heard the crack but could not see the connect.  At the sound, the baby began to wail.  I thought, OMG, he missed her and hit that baby!  I started to walk towards them, faster with each step.
A 3yo boy standing there at her hip and accepting the behavior w/o so much as a blink.  Yup, poor kid has seen this before. The man said to her, "where you gonna go?  I have the keys so get to walking!"  I came up and said "she is going where ever she wants and I am going to drive her"  He said, "take yo a** back in the house!  This is none of your business!"  I said, "Sir, you're right, it is none of my business but since you are outside and acting out in front of the entire neighborhood to see, I couldn't help but make it my business to give the two of you a break to cool off before someone gets hurt or put in jail."   I took the woman to her friend's home a few miles away and dropped her and the kids off.  I never saw them again.

I have been in a leadership position at my company for over 20yrs and have developed careers and championed the workers.  Against my own success potential? Most likely, but my success is not important compared to the livelihood of good, dependable employer who have erned that bonus, raise or promotion. 

I continue to work on myself to be the best person I can be but must also understand that I am different than most and cannot Poorly judge them based on differences. All I ask is that I not be poorly judged on mine.

DS says many things in anger but I knew he HAD to know in order to attend or not!  He did not answer any message so I had no way to know if he even heard them.  He has been known to hit delete w/o listening and has blocked ppl from sending emails as well.

This news was something he HAD to hear directly and no one else would tell him because of his past defiance and comments about his not caring about his dad being dead or alive. 

Lilly,  Thanks for always "getting" me.  Hugs! <3

[Pooh]

I also agree w Karena. I have a 6yr old who knows not to open the door for anyone, relatives included until we give him the ok.

I also agree with your son that you have issues respecting his boundaries. Showing up at someones house and refusing to leave when asked to multiple times is stomping on boundries in an enormous way.

Welcome ImBack.  Please take a few minutes to read the posts under "Open Me First".  We ask all new members to do this to get a feel for the rules and to see if they think the forum is a good fit for them.

I think you just said it yourself FL, you knew he wasn't going to react well and also that you were doing something he wouldn't like.  I also know that your heart was in the right place and you thought you were doing the right thing.  It's a slippery slope when our heads are telling us one thing and our hearts are telling us another.  If mine ever get on the same page, all the stars would align.