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"Welcome to -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)

Started by lovelymimi, May 22, 2012, 06:52:23 pm

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Quote from: firelight on June 03, 2012, 06:09:17 pm
Hi Lovelymimi,

this is what makes it so hard when things go wrong with our AC.  Our heart and soul, blood, sweat, and tears have literally been invested in our babies for most of our own adult lives and you're isn't fair.  I have a DD but it hurts no less and we were so very close throughout her life until the transition to adulthood for her.  Seems when they hit 10, they try their first lie out on you, but things are small change and you get to know your children as they grow and can still guide and correct....things are still wonderful though for the most part at that time....then the teen years come and 15 yrs old wonder who is this person....but after a year or 2, they seem to return to normal and all is well again between you.  My daughter still crawled into bed with me still at 17 and 18 on occasion and we'd just talk.  It was a very good relationship.  You burst with pride as they graduate.  All the loving and giving and sacrifices seem so worth it.  Like I said, my daughter and I were very loving & close.  Somehow, the transition to adulthood in the 20s no one tells you about.....just depends on their (our AC) choices and who they end up with.  A lot of things influence them and they make their own decisions and there's nothing you can do about it.  It's very painful when things go bad.  Sometimes things just don't turn out as you imagined it and if anyone would have told me things would be as they are today, I would have bet a million that they were so wrong.  It's all very humbling and sad.  I thought the same thing, if I saw someone who didn't have a close relationship with their kids, I'd blame the parent.  It's a real eye opener going through all this.  There's many women here who have been through extreme shock with all that has happened and a heartbreak you cannot imagine that initially feels like it will surely kill you.  Kind of like describing childbirth to someone who's never had a just can't really relay it unless they've gone through the pain.  However, I know that time changes things and things weren't always this way.....whatever time has in store, it will not remain the same, whatever that might be. 

It must be kind of scary for you with little ones to read this stuff.  I hope it never happens to you.  Having AC is another chapter of our own growing and we learn to live a new life and move forward.  I don't think we ever stop growing.  You come to a point when you realize that you have to "let 'em g(r)o(w)." 

You are blessed to have 3 little ones.  I had only 1 so when things turn out like it did, it's a hard pill to swallow. 

One learns how to focus on oneself and live life with or without them. 
It's kind of like having your life back as before you had kids......only different.  Hard to describe.  You learn to be your own person once again.

Warmest thoughts to you mimi.

I have read this several times and it is such an important letter.  It is such a graphic and poignant illustration of the journey of being a parent.  And you are right, nobody ever told us what it would be like to be the parent of an AC, we thought it would just be an extension of what was.  What you have described is the truth which we have to come to terms with and there's just no way to sugar coat it and make it go down without the bitter aftertaste.  But there is light at the end of the tunnel, once you have 'swallowed' it, it almost is soothing to the 'stomach' and then the days start getting a little better, but first you pretty much have to allow the unrealistic hope to die out.  We have to come to terms, as Mothers, that raising our kids was only a temporary job description and that description did not include determining what course they would ultimately choose for their lives, who they will spend it with, if they will be healthy or wealthy or wise, etc etc etc. 

But its a slippery slope and we have to be verrrrry! careful not to repeat the same cycle with our GC.  I only had two, and I've enjoyed a wonderful close relationship with my grandsons, but they are now older teens and I can see them pulling away, and trust me it happens really fast.  At the end of the day, we have to become ok with just being ourselves, and being by ourselves if it comes to that.  But as long as there is one other person on the planet, none of us can say that we have no one to love.  Thanks again for writing, Firelight, what I think is a profound summation of what brought most of us here. 


I hope you are still reading these posts mimi.  I thank you and really felt your heart go out to all of us...I respectfully submit that you love, you love, you love, and understand your sons as they are as children, teenagers and eventually you get to know them as adults.  I have 3 sons, and certainly believe that tough love plays a BIG part in teaching sons how to treat women.  I hope you never forget that you are a woman first, and a mother second.  I continue to teach my sons how to show respect by what I let them do to me.  I hope you do not devalue yourself ever, and instead hold your head up high, find support and understanding where you may, and show your sons that being strong means being a gentleman.  Life will teach them along the way, the error of their ways, long after you are gone.