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5 Stages of Grief

Started by firelight, June 05, 2012, 08:42:52 am

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cdb19

i have learned that it is good to get it out of us and onto paper. This must be my paper for now. I was so strong planning my dad's funeral etc and even with him at his end of life. He once told me about the one time (out of many, confirmed by doctors to me) that he died, he was above his body. The doctors didn't believe him until he told them what they did and what he saw to revive him. He shared this with me many years later. He didn't like to talk about death. He focused on living. I wonder if my mom got alzheimer's from all the worry about him with all her heart problems starting in his 40's. He was considered bionically run by the pacemaker/defibrulator/metal valve/medications. He had 9 medtronic ones. Some recalled, some wires came loose from 1981 to 2010. He survived staph infection 2 times from the wires to his heart/1 time knee surgery and the 4th he didn't make it due to no medications.
I stayed with him at the hospital for that whole month. I am proud of all I did and how I handled the doctors and his care.
I did everything he asked of me with questions to doctors etc. The only thing I couldn't do was get my mom so he could see her before he passed on. There was no travel due to a winter storm and she was in bed with alzheimers at the place she lives. But, the day the owner was going to tell my mom he had passed on. My mom somehow knew! The owner had a religious experience with my mom while holding her hands. My mom's mind was not in good shape. Mom said that: Something happened, My heart hurts, I know something happened. The owner knew that my dad had come to talk to her. Then she didn't speak his name for 3 days. A pastor told me, Jesus was on the earth for 3 days and that my dad had things to do. Who knows. He came to me in a vision of a large picture of him painted with his Shriner's Clown Outfit on. Just his face. I saw his lips move slowly saying I love you. His face was like a cloud of snow. I didn't realize this at the time. Then I heard in my mind, Wait until you see this place.
I wish I could still feel or hear him. I can't imagine getting through life without my dad and mom.
Can I?
cdb

luise.volta

Of course you can. We all come for just a while and then leave. It's the natural oder of things. Sedning love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cdb19

Thank you Luise. It is the natural order of things. I am so much of a "Polyanna", I thought my parents would be here and healthy forever on earth. I finally told my dad about my unhappy marriage and realized he was a wise and understanding counselor with no blame. I shared nothing, but the unhappiness. He was going to help me and then he died. He was upset with how my daughter had been too to me. He did say I would see my grandkids again and he was right. But not how I thought I would see them. He fought so hard to stay on this earth for my mom and I. I never saw anyone die before. I was by myself with nurses. I was always "fine" and strong for dad. Even until the end.
Thanks for your support and understanding. No one wants to listen to me or see my cry here.
Life has a force of it's own. I have tried to stop time, but can't. I just want to be happy again.
cdb

lancaster lady

CDB.

I'm so sorry for your loss , but from time began this is life .
It took me about a year after the loss of my parents , not to miss them so much .
I know I will see them again , and this helps me enormously .
Life is a cycle , one which must end on this earth , but I believe it goes on .
When people are too ill to remain here , it's a release to end the suffering .
The pain will ease it time , don't be too hard on yourself . Fill your days with
keeping busy .
Sending hugs ....

luise.volta

cdb - We ride the wave of life until we don't. Ups and downs....happy and sad. Good things will come your way again...(it's the natural order of things.) Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama