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adult children dont speak to me

Started by oliveb, June 03, 2012, 09:22:44 pm

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June 05, 2012, 09:01:39 am #30 Last Edit: June 05, 2012, 12:33:19 pm by luise.volta
Dear Oliveb,
Welcome to what you can already see as our sisterhood.  Just reading these posts and feeling the intimacy of hearts and minds here makes me cry but ALSO gives me strength.  I am so glad I too found this oasis of support and love.

I find myself visiting here often as it does help but my pain is rising these days as a new life will be here soon.  My 4th GC, the 1st girl, w/ 3 big brothers is due any day but this grandma remains in time out from only child, DS who I raised alone. I put him first with great joy and thought during his entire life but his manhood led him away.  He does not need me and he does not want me or any of his family to be included in his sequestered, nuclear family.

I have to believe I will not be notified of the new birth as it appears that my son takes pleasure in throwing me in the dump too.  I too cannot forgive him.  Maybe in the future but this loss is the very worst I have endured.

My life has seen so many struggles and hardships but I always managed.  Each time I actually gained something good from the experiences.  Every time!  Until now.

I was in the hospital with a flesh eating bacteria destroying my limbs. (meningitis) Every day, enduring the removal of dead tissue, picked away, one small piece at a time.  4 hours a day for 2 months! I endured, I was actually curious after a little time and learned a lot about anatomy.  From the inside out via the morphine haze!

TMI, yes but the loss of my family, my only child, my legacy, my grandchildren, my future?! So very hard to manage THIS! How does a mother's broken heart EVER mend?  Time?! I know, that blasted thing called time!  I find patience a very hard thing to manage!


I used to say this often, that a mother's love is the only love in the world that can love for a lifetime, gaining nothing in return.  The Mother Theresa story choked me up.  No, I don't actually believe the estranged children are living with regrets.  They feel no regrets.  They are living in the present, we however are living in the past as well as  in the present as well as in the future, and all of it is diffused with pain.  I have often felt I was that woman thrown into a dumpster, or thrown under a bus.  And then I read some other stories here, such as Footloose who went through his horrible ordeal and lost her limbs in the process, yet she exudes love and generosity to others, and then I slink off ashamed because I have never been totally abandoned and hopeless.  Thank you for sharing these stories and Footloose, pull up.  You know how to fly above these clouds.  Your DS is flexing his arrogant muscles right now, but there's not a single one of us exempt from having our rugs torn out from under us, and then coming to the realization that we're not omnipotent. 


And furthermore, I think will will all agree today (no need to take a vote, thank you) that flesh eating diseases trumps anything the rest of us have to bring to the discussion table, therefore, FOOTLOOSE, you are hereby nominated as EQFD (estranged queen for the day).  (everyone curtsies).  Here is your crown!  WE LOVE YOU!  And I know you well enough, of course, to know that you can cough up a little bit of giggle, old girl.


Quote from: luise.volta on June 04, 2012, 07:34:34 pm
"I moved to Chicago and became a gun-mol to a gangster."

Still laughing about this - Luise, you do have such colorful characters in your life!


Footloose, I am so sorry for what you have been through, I cannot imagine what it is like for you.
Firelight, I have forgiven my AC for they do not know what they have done. Only until their C grow up will they know having C is not always easy.
The day my son died I had a heart attack and was rushed to hospital, my AD who lived near me at that time, caught a plane to be near her father.
My children are toxic for me, which is sad, I know we can never be a family, for me to survive I cannot have toxic people in my life, lonely, yes.
I agree, mothers are blamed if the AC are not in their lives. When I used to tell people who did not know me well that I didnt see my children, I could tell when they said it was up to me to contact them that they didnt understand.
Thank you everyone for your thoughts, I truly appreciate hearing from you, it is great to know I am not alone but sad we are here.


Just throwing this out there. Surgeons say scar tissue is stronger than the original tissue, not harder, just stronger. Doesn't help much when the wounds are open and bleeding or festering, yet a reason to push through to healing in ourselves emotionally and spiritually, just as the physical body tries to do. Maybe even a little motivation to try to forgive and let go of the anger and resentment we have every right to feel as well.

Keys Girl

I'll throw my two cents in........I'm very apprehensive about "forgiving" my son and his wife, if the day were to come along. 

Manipulative people use the "forgiveness tactic" as an excuse to open the door open to play the same old game.

I think it's important not to carry around hostility about our children, but I also think it's wise to watch someone's actions, because talk is cheap, and if people tell you what they think you want to hear, it's just the same old song as far as I'm concerned.

I think that we are living through a very difficult time.  When I was young, it was considered shameful if a woman worked because her husband was too lazy to provide for her, almost 60 years later, so many things have changed but the old stereotypes remain. 

It's always the woman's fault (or Mom's fault).........a variation on the "Head's I win, tails you lose" theme.  Horsefeathers!!

I say the best way to deal with this is to go out there and have a great time, ignore what people are saying, never mind who forgives you and who doesn't.  We only have today and don't know if tomorrow is going to show up.

And of course, tell everyone who asks at Christmas that your children are in the witness protection program and you haven't a clue where they are but you are soooo happy they put those bad guys away!

"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown


Well put, E. I know when I broke my ankle and had to have it pinned...the doc said it would never break in that spot again! I just read this...changed it a little, just to be safe:

Some folks think that avoiding challenges will bring them peace. As if the peace they now know didn't come from earlier challenges that were faced, and mastered.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


KG - That's a perfect answer! LOL!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Beth 2011

Hi Oliveb,

Welcome to wwu, we are a tenacious group.  :)  I, myself am estranged from DS.  He is perfectly happy in the world (bio dome)they have created.  We have left it up to them if they want to have contact with us and it is not just FOO, it is extended to GM, DA's, DC's everyone.  You say, I didn't raise them like that, we were always close, what did I do, how can I fix it.  And none are the answer it is just them, not us.


Quote from: Keys Girl on June 05, 2012, 03:40:36 pm
I'll throw my two cents in........I'm very apprehensive about "forgiving" my son and his wife, if the day were to come along. 

Keys, this has been on my mind recently - my son reached out a few weeks ago, tentatively and there are some conditions.  I've been wondering how much I want him back in my life.  I can maybe move on, but I'm certainly going to keep out of punching distance now that I know how fast his uppercut is.


Hi Doe, my GD emailed yesterday to say it was her birthday and to say how sorry she was for all the trouble she caused when she came to my home last December.
I have not seen or heard from her since then. I am very wary about any contact from my AC and their C. I emailed and wished her happy birthday and said my life is good and I am please she is happy. Thats all. I am so wary, I know I have repeated that but when my AC are in my life it is so abusive, put downs, nothing that I do is right. I walk on egg shells and I know I ca not do that any more :)


oliveb, you have every reason and right to be weary.  We all have to do what's right for us.

Keys Girl, I loved the ending of your post!  That was great and gave me a big, fat smile.   :D

"When you allow life to flow... without struggle... your Soul is restored."   ~z2z~


Footloose, what you have gone through with your skin issues is amazing to me.  4 hrs a day for 2 mos of excrutiating treatment must have felt like an eternity and would shake anyone's foundation.  I, too, believe you get to have thequeen's crown for at least 1 day....  wow.  The things we learn what others go through here. 

"When you allow life to flow... without struggle... your Soul is restored."   ~z2z~


Doe I think if someone wants to have a relationship BUT there is a list of conditions attached (when you haven't done anything crazy wrong), that's not a relationship, that's a dictatorship.  My true relationships accept me, faults and all and loves me anyway.

If my Son wants to offer a relationship with his conditions, I probably would politely tell him that I don't do screen tests.  I'm either already great for the part, even if we have to do a retake now and again, or he needs to hold auditions.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell