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adult children dont speak to me

Started by oliveb, June 03, 2012, 09:22:44 PM

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Doe

Quote from: oliveb on June 04, 2012, 01:50:14 PM
They say how wonderful their children are etc etc. 

One of my favorite quotes is "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle."   It's possible that some of those people with wonderful children have other crosses to bear.  One friend of mine has great kids but is suffering financially (lost job with no retirement); the other has a great child but loathes her husband who she can't seem to leave.
Not saying that no one out there is happy, just that you probably have more company than you think.

Hippolyta  Doe
(thank God and his mom for Wikipedia for references that make you sound smart)


Keys Girl

Olive, I know what you mean about people asking about your children.

This year at Christmas, I'll be in a new spot, and might just tell anyone that asks that I don't have any children.  For all intensive purposes, I don't anyway, not having seen my son for a few years and not being invited to the wedding.

That will shut down the conversation I hope and send it into a different direction.

"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

oliveb

Hi Doe and Keys Girl, thank you for your replies. Keys Girl, I have begun to tell people and my students that I do not have children and that stops the questions.
I was getting along fine until yesterday when I stupidly when onto the web and found my D site.  I wont go there again.

Ruth

Quote from: oliveb on June 04, 2012, 01:50:14 PM
:)  tThey say how wonderful their children are etc etc. 

I used to believe all that.  But after working in a career that consisted almost entirely of early to mid middle aged women, for years and years, I learned this -  don't you believe it.  Women talk about their a/c the same way they make resumes.  It sure looks very impressive on paper, job descriptions and affiliations.  Its amazing how easy it is to pull stuff out of obscure places in your life and make them look good on paper.  This is we talk about our a/c without really telling the truth....

justanoldgrandma

Olive, you have been treated so shabbily.  I'm glad you are moving on with your life w the exchange students for holidays, the gym, other interests.  You deserve to be happy.

It's true what others have said and your comment, too, Olive.....everyone has a cross to bear; most people don't talk about their children who disappoint them (it always seems that the kids are perfect unless we know them well.)  And health, financial, marital problems....no one is exempt....the grass really isn't always greener and I'm glad you know that, Olive, despite the fact that your family has mistreated you.

Hope you continue to find outlets for happiness, Olive, bc you deserve happiness.

Keys Girl

Ruth, I'm really glad you posted this.

The last few years there has been an outpouring of gushing about how wonderful their adult children are with the many friends that I see at Christmas.  I've always wondered how much of it was sincere, and how much of it was a type of competitive "my children are nicer/more successful than yours".   With your comment, I'm guessing that not much of it was truthful.
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

oliveb

my Doctor has told me that there are so many families with problems about their children but they dont tell anyone. Actually my Doctor who knew my children told me many years ago to stop having contact with them but at that stage I would say they are my children. He says it is sad to not have your children in your life but for me to realise they are toxic for me, which finally I have now done.

Ruth

I'll give you couple examples, Keys Girl, but I could give more.  These are 'sorority' mothers, I overhear conversation, 'and how is John?  Oh great!  We just got back from Florida, had a wonderful time, took him out to celebrate, he passed the bar, you know!'  ...same lady confided in me later 'John' lives in their basement, no job prospects, won't even look for work, and that he is just destroying the quality of their lives, they feel hopeless...another (same sorority) mother lives for show, impress impress, sets up son in a lucrative business in town (same son who was a known drug addict and dealer) mom made the down payment on their waterfront home, foots bills for just about everything, still footing bills.  same sorority  - another mom, brag brag about the college ds attended (doesn't mention he's now not going to school at all, nor working, and still living in the back bedroom...does a little ebay).  We are very good in this society about 'PR-ing ourselves'.   

luise.volta

I once knew a woman who went on and on about her perfect childhood. Perfect parents and sister, perfect home in the country, wonderful critters. It was so syrupy that I finally changed the subject one day and asked her where she went when she left home...and she said, "I moved to Chicago and became a gun-mol to a gangster." I'm serious! No wonder she talked about her childhood endlessly. I am seldom speechless but that was one of the times when I was pretty much struck dumb. People have their stories and their perceptions and I have learned to listen and not ask. I never knew whether to believe both tales or neither.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

nikncon

I know what you ladies are talking about.I have an acquaintance who is a milionaire.People think that she is so lucky.Can travel with DH on private jet etc.Very thoughtful family.Have been there for my DS when he had surgery last Nov This woman's only DD does'nt speak to her or her DH.GC is dropped off once a week for visits with gp.So like you all said. we all have a cross to carry.Some people just have wider shoulders to carry it.PS my DS called last night to say that new gf of three months broke up with DS on weekend.Feel bad for DS.But DH and I are moving next Tues.So I am very busy.No time for more drama!!!Have a great week ladies.

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Lillycache

All this seems to stem from how women have traditionally viewed their role in society.  Women through the ages have based their self worth vicariously on WHO they marry, and the successes of their children.   There is a feeling that this reflects on them and their value.  It's pretty ingrained.  Even women who are intelligent and successful in their own right feel the need to embellish when it comes to their kids and family life.  Men seem content to base their identity on themselves... we tend to base it on others.  One would have thought that the strides women have made in equality would change our perception of self but it hasn't.   Nor has it done much to change societies view of women.   Look at how our personal lives and decisions are being bantered about on Capital Hill and in State Houses across the country.  It's like we still need others to decide who we are, what is best for us, and what our position is in society.   

firelight

Welcome oliveb,

You're in good company.  I, too, have given my all to my DD and SIL.  I rarely hear from them (unless I initiate it) and feel like I am only good to them materialistically. I actually had to evict them (with GD in tow and it almost killed me).  They took it all for granted and took complete advantage of me. We have since sold the property on a landcontract.  I used to think I was "helping" them, but now realize that not giving them so much is the real help.  Things certainly haven't turned out in the least bit of what I envisioned it to be once upon a time.  Most women here know exactly the kind of heartbreak you speak of, unfortunately. 

I wanted to share with you all this Mother Teresa quote and then I'll tell you why:

"I once picked up a woman from a garbage dump and she was burning with fever; she was in her last days and her only lament was: 'My son did this to me.' I begged her: You must forgive your son. In a moment of madness, when he was not himself, he did a thing he regrets. Be a mother to him, forgive him. It took me a long time to make her say: 'I forgive my son.' Just before she died in my arms, she was able to say that with a real forgiveness. She was not concerned that she was dying. The breaking of the heart was that her son did not want her. This is something you and I can understand."  ~Mother Teresa

It's always stuck in my mind where she says "he did a thing he regrets" as to whether he really did regret it.  I wonder.  But we surely can understand what that heartbreak feels like when our AC do not want us.  I understand the saying "they died of heartbreak". It certainly feels that way doesn't it.  When we raise our kids with great love (or so we thought) and then they act so loveless toward us, we feel like failures.  But their thoughts and actions really are there's to own.  Maybe they'll regret it and we'll still be alive to see it or maybe they/we won't.  I heard a saying that you get to see the product of your efforts and you'll know what kind of a parent you were when you see how your AC are.  BIG GULP.  I don't really believe that now.  Maybe I gave DD too much and she appreciates nothing.  who knows.  I do know we're all our own journeys, including them.  As luise says, our expectations are ours alone and it's no one's responsiblity to live up to them. 

I am so genuinely sorry for the loss of your son.  I don't think anything I could say to that would be sufficient. 

Keep posting here as you are now amongst friends who truly can relate to you.  Work on your self-preservation to survive the pain and we really advocate for that.  No place to go but up.  We know what you mean about the holidays too....you'll find we all take 1 step forward and 2 steps back sometimes especially when holidays roll around.  Here, you are OK to be yourself. 

Warmest thoughts oliveb.
Firelight

"When you allow life to flow... without struggle... your Soul is restored."   ~z2z~

jill

Lillycache and Firelight,
Your posts echo my feelings.  I feel I have failed as a mother because my daughters do not like me, yet I know in my heart I did the best I could and no one is perfect and neither are they.  Although they will not forgive me for things I have said (unintentionally) that have hurt them, I am trying to work on forgiving them for treating me the way they do.

justanoldgrandma

That story of Mother Teresa is so touching; it shows we have to go on and forgive even if the son being forgiven doesn't repent or realize how he has hurt the mother/father......the forgiveness is for US, not for the son and others who neglect us.  Otherwise we do die of heartbreak.

I haven't thought much of the forgiveness of AC who hurt us..... but that probably is the first step to healing and going on w our lives.

firelight

I agree with the forgiveness.  Even when it goes against every fiber of our humanity at times.  Just like that mom who was thrown into the garbage dump in the story and she could hardly fathom "forgiving" her son for doing it to her.  I'm all for doing what I have to do, even if my inside is doing it reluctantly, to heal a festering, open wound.  I prefer a healed scar rather than the open wound.  The scar is still there, but it doesn't hurt as much as the open wound.  So as the feelings sway from pain, to anger, to numbness and back again, I will try to focus on forgiveness today (and I'm not saying this won't take practice! hence:  "practice" forgiveness).  Hoping that instead of "practice makes perfect" (which we are not), but rather work toward "practice makes permanent". 

Dictionary definitions:

"forgive":  pardon; to cease to feel resentment against; to give up resentment of or a claim to requital for; to grant relief from payment; to cease to feel resentment against (an offender); pardon (one's enemies); to grant forgiveness. 

"forgiveness":  the act of forgiving.

I have to be honest....for some reason I awoke this morning feeling offended and slightly angry about my DD's treatment of me and the life choices she has made.  It wasn't the usual sad feeling I get now and again over it all.  Then I thought of that story about the mother tossed in the garbage dump I haven't thought of in years.  And I felt a small amount of relief come over me....with the thought on forgiveness.  Even though we may do it silently and it may take some effort, I think it's worth it as a mother (for me).  Forgiving isn't saying, "hey, I'm a doormat and your treatment of me is just fine, no matter what it is."  It's simply saying that "as a loving mom, I am pardoning you for it and ceasing resentment over it and I am moving on."     

Much love.
Firelight

"When you allow life to flow... without struggle... your Soul is restored."   ~z2z~