adult children dont speak to me

[oliveb]

my children have always put me down and verbally abused me, and 2 physically abused me. Their father was a very wealthy, abusive man. Just over 2 years ago I put a deposit on a house for my daughter and boyfriend, I  paid off his credit card of $20000 which they promised to repay,they never did, leaving me to pay off the card plus interest.  My son took his life 2 years ago, when I paid for the funeral instead of his young wife, I was ordered out of my sons house by my surviving children. I sated in a motel on my own for a week until my son was able to be buried. None of my children spoke to me at the funeral and I knew no one else as I was in another state. I have 8 grandchildren and have no contact with them. Today I saw my daughter and her children on a web page and I feel sad. What a loss.

[luise.volta]

Welcome - Many of us here know only too well what you are describing. I'm so sorry have had to face and go through such pain. Sending love...

[oliveb]

thank you for your reply. It is hard but I have no intention in contacting them.

[luise.volta]

For many of us, closing the door has been the only way to go on. We were whole before we became parents and we are seeking the kind of inner healing that will bring us back to wholeness again. We did the best we could and it's up to our adult children (AC here) to make their own way. We can't make sense of the senseless, and we can't change others. Most of us had reasonable expectations about having continued relationships but we can't do it alone...and it's pretty much up to us to let go of those hopes and dreams. No one has to fulfill our expectations...no mater how reasonable they are. It's a very hard road to travel. I know, where I live, it's late but I'm sure others will be responding to you tomorrow. This is a very loving and supportive Web-community.

[oliveb]

thank you so much, I am glad I found this site

[Ruth]

Olive, welcome to the site and to people who care and understand.  We know this struggle, all of us here have had broken relationships with our children.  We are all seeking how we choose to go on with our lives, and how we want to respond to our a/c rejection of us.  I have been grieving for my DS for 12 years now, with only intermittent periods of relief, when I remodeled the kitchen a couple years ago, for instance, I was able to refocus and enjoy something, and I remember a few years ago when I made the rock garden and fountain, for a whole summer I was able to experience uninterrupted joy.  It was heavenly.  But since the first of this year I have been pulled into a vortex of grief and loss.  It has been exacerbated by my retirement, but I can't run now for another distraction  because the time must come when I face this demon and chose a course for my life.  As of now, I am deciding that the grief must stop, and I must make a decision whether or not to relinquish my stronghold on my hopes for relationship with my DS.  As long as I live in hope, the grief will not stop.  I have been able to find closure that I know my DS does not hate me, or is not living in preoccupation of me, i.e. the things I did wrong and grievances.  No, it is worse.  I am only a triviality to him, an incidental, like a distant aunt.  I basically don't exist in my DS's life, and my absence totally would just mean basically nothing to him.  Nothing in his life would change.  So my pain is unproductive.  I can grieve the rest of my life and it will not bring my DS one step closer to me.

I am sorry I digressed a lot into my own story, but its what we do here.  We tell our stories and it helps us heal.  We are attentive to each other here, we have no where else to go.  Our families don't care to hear it anymore, it has become old news and they want us to just get over it and move on.  So we shove it inside of us, and it festers up there, until we can let it out, and get permission to let it out.  I have decided to look for a grief counselor here where I live, to try and help walk me through this process.  Sometimes we get stuck.  But as Luise says, there is a life for us beyond this.  We aren't meant to grieve all our lives.  They WERE our children, but they are no more, they are adults and we have to come to terms with that.

[Pooh]

Welcome olive and I'm so sorry for your losses.  I am glad to hear you are not contacting them.  Just because they are are children doesn't mean we have to take abuse.  Good for you!

[Elise]

Welcome Olive.  I am so sorry for all you have endured with your dc. When your loving gestures like help with the house downpayment and funeral expenses, etc.  are misinterpreted and turned against you, it is the arrows (ac) we sent out into the world boomeranging back to penetrate our most vital parts. Louse reminds us we shepherd our dc to the door of adulthood and from there they go on without us at their sides. This site is testament you are not alone in this terrible pain.  I hope you have time to read and read here - there are stages in coming to terms that are different for all of us here, yet some themes which emerge time and again on our way to healing and looking ahead to the sunshine. I am so sorry about your son's death.
Ruth - I had and have a really hard time with letting go of hope.  I saw and see however that as long as I held on to hope, those pesky expectations would come marching right into my very being and dash me to the ground time and again.  I struggle with hope now again and keep repeating the no expectations mantra.
I am happy to read you are taking the step to address your grief in an expanded way. I think of you often.

[Doe]

Hi Oliveb-

I just want to echo what the other WW have said - welcome, find a comfortable spot.  Sometimes I imagine this to be like a big quilting bee online  - some are busy stitching and talking, some just stitching, some off getting coffee or taking a a break.

Just having a place to open up and talk about life is priceless.  You may discover all sorts of things  - like I wonder if Ruth knows what an gifted writer she is.  Maybe her new direction is going to have something to do with the written word?    For me, I've reclaimed some of my lost integrity by getting mad as &$^# over how some of the WW have been treated.    Maybe my direction will be to run a training camp to turn hurt, beaten down women into female warriors.  Maybe I'll change my name to Hippolyta.   

Anyway, we hear you and understand how you feel.

[Ruth]

Doe, what a spectacular post!  I could just see that so clearly, the quilting bee.  All of us sitting around working on our blocks.  Some of us have wild colors and patterns in ours, others have pastels and muted tones, some of ours are skillfully done, some of ours are just a lick and a promise, but in the end in is a beautiful quilt.  Thank you for giving me something so special to think on this morning, you are clever, Doe!

[Elise]

I love both those images Doe. You are no slouch in the wordsmith arena yourself. Hyppolyta indeed.

[constantmargaret]

And I'm sitting here stabbing myself with my needle......over and over and over. Mine is the patch with all the little blood stains. haha

Welcome Olive. Sometimes it's so absurdly sad you must laugh.

[luise.volta]

I can't find my quilting glasses! I'd better go make the coffee...

O - If you haven't already, please go to the Home Page and under the open Open Me First category at the top, and read the Member Agreement there plus the Instructive Posts. Directions to finding most of our abbreviations can be found there, too. It's a good place to learn what is expected and to know if WWU is a fit or not. For instance, there are a lot of Web-forums where anything goes...language-wise and attitude-wise. Our site is not for that kind of venting or aggression. We don't debate, attack or judge and we honor each others religious and political preferences by not getting into those subjects. We all try to stick to the "Take what you want and leave the rest" approach to the differing threads. We're into mutual respect and mutual support and...ultimately, deep healing for many of us. Sending love...

[Keys Girl]

Welcome Olive, I'm happy to hear you aren't keeping in touch with them.  I would stay away from the social network sites that have photos of them, it just adds to the pain.

Can you afford to move to another state? somewhere you could start a new life and meet new people and put all of those abuse people behind you.

I was told by a counsellor a long time ago that once a family decides who the scapegoat is, it is pretty much impossible to change those patterns.

You were a loving and generous person and perhaps it's time to find some people who might appreciate you (but I wouldn't be quite so generous in the future, there is always someone hanging around to exploit kind people).

Good luck,
KG

[oliveb]

   thank you so much for your replies. What a wonderful group of women, full of support.
I only have a couple of friends, they know my situation but new people always ask about if I have children, where are they etc.etc. They say how wonderful their children are etc etc.  Mothers day is hard and Christmas, I am fortunate I have International students which I host, so they are here on those days.  I cannot move to another state as my home is my income and I now have a mortgage from giving my D a home.
I wont be going to any social sites again, I do not know why I did that yesterday, curiosity got the better of me.
On my 64th birthday this year, I decided this was my year, so I booked with a gym, got a personal trainer and have lost 7.5 kilos, only a few to go to my make my goal. I put on 10 kilos after my son died, so I want to feel good about myself.
Once again thanks to all for your support.