Author Topic: Goodbye Dear Son: draft letter ready to send.....  (Read 4563 times)

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Offline Footloose

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Goodbye Dear Son: draft letter ready to send.....
« on: June 01, 2012, 09:53:46 AM »
Here is what is sitting in my draft folder and today, I am low enought to pullt he trigger and send it!

Dear XXXXX,
I put you first from the day u were born until the day you left, over 20 years from the time I learned of your pregnancy and later felt u move inside me.  It was the very best thing that EVER happened in my life and I so enjoyed being your mom and dad.  It was like breathing to me.  So automatic, natural and expected.  Many, many fond memories<3

I was too young and should have probably waited, chose a better father for sure but you found your time to be born and fate chose your heritage.  I have no regrets because out of it all came you, my son.  I put my life on hold for you for 20 years, all of my early adulthood was yours and yours alone.

My generation has raised a group of self absorbed emotionally very immature now 'adults'.  Apparently we have loved not wisely but too well in some ways.
I evidently have NOT met your expectations either and for that I am sorry.   

So now after being rejected by you, it has taken my spiritual breath away but I will get better in time.  I'll just keep moving at a harried pace to out run the pain and loss this whole thing has created for me.  When it does catch up with me, like today, i find it so hard just to bear the pain.  the loss that was intentional on your part.  Worse than death because the separations were and have been on purpose.  Maybe to punish me for imperfections and pure, good intentions?
After years of mistreatment from you, I must let you go because the pain of rejection and absence is too great!  Way worse than my illness and anything that came before it.  I never imagined this would happen...again?!
I WILL meet you in spirit, always in my heart but your threats and actions to put me out of your life have controlled me far too long.  I have to move on or die from this broken heart.  Seems like I have been held hostage, waiting for a chance to really connect with you and your beautiful family.  So so very sad that family does not include me anymore.

No matter what you do or have done in the past I will NEVER change my love for you.  I loved u from the very start and that will remain forever.

Kiss my grandsons for me and hold them a long time, as long as you can.  I miss them dearly! I will hold onto my fond memories of them and you forever.  I already know I will be excluded from xxxxx's birth announcements and seeing her sweet little face that will be here soon.

So now can stop punishing me as I am gone but know I am there, inside you forever. 
----------
Time to pull the trigger?!


Offline luise.volta

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Re: Goodbye Dear Son: draft letter ready to send.....
« Reply #1 on: June 01, 2012, 10:04:47 AM »
Beloved Footloose, My take is that when our AC arrive, either temporarily or permanently, at not caring how we feel or what we think, a letter is of no interest. The pain remains with the writer and is often not even read, much less processed, by the recipient. Put it in a folder, Dear one, and add others whenever it is necessary. How you feel and what you think matters a great deal to you, if not to your AC. And bring your letters to us, as you just did, because they and you matter here. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Ruth

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Re: Goodbye Dear Son: draft letter ready to send.....
« Reply #2 on: June 01, 2012, 10:20:07 AM »
Footloose, as Luise has said, keep the letter in your drafts file.  It will only leave you feeling emptier and will only widen the gap between you and DS, when you don't get any response back at all.  Maybe in your case, as in mine, its still a waiting game.  My empathetic thoughts are with you today. 

Offline Lillycache

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Re: Goodbye Dear Son: draft letter ready to send.....
« Reply #3 on: June 01, 2012, 10:31:24 AM »
Dear Footloose..  What a wonderful and poignant letter.  It has so eloquently put into words the feelings so many of us have here.  You write incredibley beautifully.  You should perhaps consider a blogg or a book of short essays.  That's how good I think you are.    However, I need to weigh in on the side of the others.  File that letter away and do not send it.   It will not be met with the intense feeling you hope for.  Unfortunately so many of our ACs and spouses already view us as manipulators looking for sympathy or martyrdom.  It will do nothing to soften him...only annoy and harden him.  You don't want that.  Let it be. 

Offline Pooh

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Re: Goodbye Dear Son: draft letter ready to send.....
« Reply #4 on: June 01, 2012, 11:53:46 AM »
That was beautiful Footloose.  I can feel your sorrow in your writing of how this relationship has turned out.  It jumps off the pages because we all here know that pain, regret and sorrow, so we get it.

He's not going to get it.  I can't even fathom what type of person it takes to throw away a parent that has done nothing grieviously wrong to them.  I can't fathom it, because I couldn't do it.  I read your letter with my emotions because I do understand everything you were saying.  If he even reads it, he's not going to read it with those same emotions as those of us here, because if he could, he wouldn't be doing what he is doing to you.  Are you prepared for him to only pick out those things in that letter that he more than likely will?  You put your life on hold, you raised a self-absorbed son, he does nothing but mistreats you.  I'm afraid that is what is going to happen.  We can all take the letter as a whole and the intent you put behind it.  Someone that isn't ready to deal with everything will pick out what suits their purpose.

I am with the others in saying don't send it. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Footloose

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Re: Goodbye Dear Son: draft letter ready to send.....
« Reply #5 on: June 01, 2012, 12:21:21 PM »
Still very blurry from tears so pardon my poor typing!

Dear Pooh, i know, right?  Thanks for your words and love!
Louise, always the wisest of the wise:)
LillyA, you are too kind and I can feel your love and thank you for it.
Ruth, my dear new friend, you are a ray of light into my soul.

i have a difficult mom and sisters.  I swear I was the mailman's kid!  LOL!  I have been rudely insulted by my in laws at times out of their own ignorance as well but NEVER considered a shut out or time out.  (I was preggers, she said, "Good Lord, my real name, your getting fat as a pig!"  I only replied with, "thanks for noticing!  like I can't tell that on my own!"  then i let it go out of respect for her and my exhub but it was a knife shot.

I have been divorced for over 25 years and still am in contact with my ex's parents/ family.  These people helped me with my son by being intermittent grandparents but it was help non the less.  They loved him and took the place of his very absent/ troubled father who to this day is still under their financial support.  He is 56 and they are in their 80s!

I was at their daughter's funeral this week with my current DH and they intro me to their people, still to this day, as their daughter.  Yup, I divorced that manchild but kept his family!

I take the good and bad in all people and as long as the person has pure and good intentions, i forgive trespasses in bad judgement or behavior in the majority of cases.  I see good in just about everyone except those who purposely impose pain or harm. 

So sorry that my son did not pick up this loyalty from me:( 

Offline Pooh

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Re: Goodbye Dear Son: draft letter ready to send.....
« Reply #6 on: June 01, 2012, 12:35:11 PM »
Footloose, when I reached that point, I sent a text that simply said:  With the lying that has been going back and forth the last couple of weeks, it's become painfully obvious to me that you want nothing to do with your family.  So I will honor that and just know I will always love you.  You know where I live if you ever want to talk.

We had been texting back and forth over DIL's latest drama she had caused in my family on FB.  I never could figure out if he was lying with the stories he was telling, or if she was telling him the lies and he was believing it.  I finally decided that it didn't really matter which one of them was lying.  They were now a unit and I was tired of trying to figure out what they were doing.  If it was her, then he should have been angry about the mistreatment of his family, so in my head, he was still guilty either way and I was tired of trying to figure out what was going on with them.

When I did it, it was because I truly was done with the drama and stress.  I did it with no expectation whatsoever of a response and knowing that I had probably sealed the deal.  I did it for myself and my own life.  I have no regrets.  After this last cruel episode from the SM and DIL, I know I did the right thing.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Pooh

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Re: Goodbye Dear Son: draft letter ready to send.....
« Reply #7 on: June 01, 2012, 12:39:28 PM »
I hear you Footloose. I tolerated 20 years of a critical, harsh, overbearing MIL that deserved more than once to be cut-off, but I didn't.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Elise

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Re: Goodbye Dear Son: draft letter ready to send.....
« Reply #8 on: June 01, 2012, 01:24:51 PM »
Footloose dear one

  Think hard before sending that letter, I agree it could make things worse, even as that may not seem possible. The ladies here live up to the name of this website and you have a loving supportive team here to listen and understand and encourage however  possible.  The active process of letting go Louise talked about somewhere is a necessary one sometimes and it sounds like you are dealing with how to do that now. There is a poem posted by Ruth in the poems and stories section of this website titled 'Kindness'.  You have found a region of kindness here, you are not alone on that bus anymore. Persevere. Come here, it is too much to handle alone. I honor the spirit in you - namaste.

Offline Lillycache

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Re: Goodbye Dear Son: draft letter ready to send.....
« Reply #9 on: June 01, 2012, 03:22:35 PM »
Dear Footloose.   I understand your feeling that you have to "Do something".  We as parents always feel compelled to "Do something"  anything..   Unfortunately that is not always the best thing.  There comes a time when we simply need to "do nothing".   We need to focus on ourselves and our own well being and let the chips fall where they may.  It's not easy.  We have felt responsible for our children since before they were born.  They are OURS..  yet the reality is that they are no longer ours.  We cannot force them to feel what they don't feel.  AND we cannot base all our self worth on them.  It's easy to say... I know.   I struggle with this daily.  Sometimes I feel OK with this.. even a sense of relief that I am not responsible for DS in any way.  It sometimes feels like a weight off my shoulders.  Our children know where we are.  They know the door is open.  That's all we can do.

Offline Keys Girl

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Re: Goodbye Dear Son: draft letter ready to send.....
« Reply #10 on: June 01, 2012, 03:46:54 PM »
Footloose, please, please don't send it for many reasons.

I'm certain it won't help your situation but will definitely make it worse, and don't forget it will be circulated globally on that all kinds of social networds in an effort to get sympathy.

Actions speak louder than words and I expect that your words will become another weapon.

Save the letter in your draft folder and come back in 6 months or a year, or print it out and burn it in a fireplace somewhere.

KG

"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

Offline pam1

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Re: Goodbye Dear Son: draft letter ready to send.....
« Reply #11 on: June 01, 2012, 03:50:40 PM »
:( I'm in the camp who wouldn't send it either.  I sent an email that got completely turned around on me and my words used as weapons.  Just a thought.

Journaling is a good idea. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline firelight

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Re: Goodbye Dear Son: draft letter ready to send.....
« Reply #12 on: June 02, 2012, 03:47:26 AM »
Well, not much more needs to be said since everyone said it so well.  Hold on to that letter for now.  Once sent, it cannot be retrieved.

My heart aches with yours, Footloose.  People's feelings can change like night and day and just as fast.  Sometimes the release of writing that letter is helpful enough.  You want to pull that trigger by sending, but I think I would hold off.  "Sleep on it" if you will.  Sometimes a new morning will bring with it a new perspective. 

When you feel the urge to "pull the trigger", pull it right here with us and consider it dumped.  A journal helps.  I am surprised with my own journal (that I'm not 100% faithful in keeping at all times) is quite helpful.  To go back and read through it will reveal that emotions/feelings do change like the wind.  We're just going through the seasons of our lives.  Try to live it with no regrets the best you can. 

We're here for you, we feel your pain and know exactly what you're talking about.   

Much love and warmest thoughts to you, dear sister.
Firelight

"When you allow life to flow... without struggle... your Soul is restored."   ~z2z~

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Re: Goodbye Dear Son: draft letter ready to send.....
« Reply #13 on: June 02, 2012, 08:21:31 AM »
Footloose-

I agree that this is material for a journal or a blog or a new topic category on WWU ("Letters We Want To Send"?) but not for him. 

I do support your urge to uncouple from him so that you can move yourself out of this feeling of being victimized.  I can say that to you because I have that same notion in me - victimized by my son and DIL.  I just hate that feeling and persona and and feel the need to fight my way out of it and I hope that you will, too.

Maybe you should just take a long break from him - very long - for yourself.  No doors slammed shut, just remove yourself from his influence on you?  It takes 2 to fight and if one side just stops fighting and walks away, it changes something.

Offline artlady

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Re: Goodbye Dear Son: draft letter ready to send.....
« Reply #14 on: June 02, 2012, 10:46:53 AM »
Ditto to all of the posts, don't' send , save it for a file. I write letters , reread, save and never send and many times it has been good therapy to put those thoughts in writing. For some reason is does give me some relief from the pain . Letters just like emails and texts are so easily misinterpreted from what you meant the reader to understand plus you can't see or hear their reactions which is what we want to know. Sending hugs .