Goodbye Dear Son: draft letter ready to send.....

[Lillycache]

I think a new catagory of "Letters we would love to send, but won't"  is a WONDERFUL idea!!   Louise... Is that possible?  It would be a great outlet for feelings... some loving... some not so loving... and would be safe without causing WWIII in families. 

[luise.volta]

Great idea, L. It's up and running under "Grab Bag!"

[lancaster lady]

FL.... the title of this thread brings sadness to any mother . Where there is life there is hope and I hope one day your son will need you and look for you . So not goodbye , till we meet again ...   sending hugs ......x

[Scoop]

Footloose - please don't send this.  It won't be received well. 

To me, it didn't come off as sweet and nice, it came off as "you ruined my life" and "you are self-absorbed and immature" and "you're an ogre who keeps my grand-kids from me" with a little bit of "I'm going to the garden to eat worms".

The rule of thumb is to NEVER send the letter.  It will be miscontrued and it will be considered as PROOF, written evidence, and used against you.  Don't do it, it's not worth it.

Scoop

[Footloose]

Even tho it's a rainy day here, i feel so much better.  You wise ladies, of course are right!   I will keep the letter our secret and will not send it.

Off to the lake yesterday with a good friend and her 20 yo daughter and my DH.  Yes we brought the wonder dog too.  Our 3 yo lab/ border collie pound pup gives us great joy.  Talk about unconditional love?  She is an all terrain doggie who kayaks, swims, hikes and climbs.  I bet she'd let us push her on ocean beach waves with a boogie board too.

I have known my family friend for 35 years.  We met in homeroom of high school on my first day at the school. (moved from another state)  She and I still pay like kids together and enjoy each other so much.  Her family adopted me too and are beautiful people.  She was a big part of my son's life too and he always loved her too.

She and I talked about life and the wonderful ladies here and we are so saddened by this kind of hurt from our own children!  She is blessed with a dutiful daughter who is very sweet and kind  who just shakes her head in disgust at how this happens too much.  Beautiful light in this girl's eyes, huge heart, just like her mom and grandmother!  Nice<3

I will continue to surround myself with good people and avoid those who are hurtful and negative!  Thanks for the help and blessings from you all.  I am blessed for knowing you all!

[Doe]

Footloose-
What a wonderful friendship!  You are blessed with a family beyond your blood kin.  So happy (and jealous) that you have the lake, too!

[momnomore]

I am crying for you as I write this.  I know your pain.  I am so sorry you are going through this.  I think my tears are for both of us.  I have lost my son and daughter and 2 grandchildren.  If you've never had to walk this walk you can't know the unbearable pain. 

[artlady]

FL I just celebrated my bff since the 2nd grade 60th birthday , kind of bittersweet as my mother died on her birthday 28 years ago. We have shared lose of first husbands , both being very young widows ( 28 and 32) , cancer, death of our dads when we were both young , second marriages we are both still in and the list goes on . The only thing I 've not shared with her is the death of her adopted son just last Nov from a drug overdose ( he was 28).  We laugh , cry, have a glass of wine and hug each other through it all , so you are blessed to have that very special friend. I feel so blessed.

[joanne22]

You put in words the many feelings I have. It seems we have all loved too much and have been kicked in the face for it> I always ask why? What did I do that was so bad and there is no answer. There is no help if we dont know what we did.

Dont send the letter. It is a cry that wont be heard. The selfishness of our children overides justice,  and common sense . We have raised the give me generation. The instant gratification  children. We gave and we give and we get nothing back but verbal abuse..We wander lost in thought and the same word comes up WHY. Most of us will never know. I wont.

We have to learn to let go. Not to stop loving, not to stop hoping but to build our lives anew. I hope you can try to do so..

[luise.volta]

J - For most of us, there is no 'why' because we did our best and we did was just fine. There is no sense to be found in the senseless. Searching for it is endless and demeaning...and...can become a dead end. We were whole before we had children and we can be whole again. Sending love...

[mumof2sons]

dear footloose'.
I too did like you,I wrote a really long letter,15 foolscap pages.
My tears flowed freely as I was writing,, as to why?, what happened,etc, all those same thoughts and feelings as you.
I did not post it to him.I've kept it along with my journals safely tucked away.
I did tell my son, when we did 'get to talk', that I had written a letter to him,he said don't send it, I explained to him, that I had already decided not to send it to him, but I will be keeping it.
Like everyone here who is 'estranged/lost' from their child, it is a pain some days to hard to bear.
love and light to all xxxx

[Pen]

Welcome Mum! I'm sorry you're going through this, but very glad you've come to the site. As you've probably seen, you're not alone.

Please take a moment if you haven't already done so to read the pink-highlighted posts under Open Me First on the home page. We ask this of all new members to make sure the site is a good fit.

There is a lot of support here 

[Begonia]

Just had a chance to read through this thread and all the wonderful kindness and caring I see here.  Even though we all have had that anger and want so much to throw it at our AC like a Frisbee, it is so wise, FL, that you got all that angst out by posting it  here and then, that you are so open about taking the overwhelming advice not to send it. That is the quality of a Wise Woman!   Bravo to you and I want to say you are an inspiration. 

I keep journals.  I go back and forth about tearing pages out and leaving them in.  Then I realize that nobody in my whole family is going to read these journals--they don't even take time to read my emails or listen to my phone messages!!  If it isn't quick like a text they are not interested.   I went to a writing workshop once with Jonis Agee where people voiced their fears about family finding their journals, so they were hesitant to write anything that might be considered unflattering.  Jonis laughed and said...you know you are the person most interested in your writing, nobody else is going to bother going through all that after you are gone unless they are a writer themselves, and then they will understand. 

[Elise]

begonia - your post is so wise, wish I had thought that way 8 months ago, though better late than never in my case. I wrote one of 'those letters' at my DS and dil request and sent it last fall.  Big mistake for sure.  Now, I have almost finished shredding boxes of my writings, journals, documents from my earlier life, kept in the mistaken belief someday ds might want to know more about me, who I was beyond his mother, why I made some of the decisions I did in my life which affected him as well. It is liberating not to think of any of that any longer. Cathartic. Those who want to know us deeply in those ways will ask and take the time to listen, the rest - well, their experience of us is probably all they require or want. Lots more storage now in this old house - in more ways than the obvious.
I am in touch again with DS and dil so there is some improvement there - a new way of being for us all I think.  Even emails sent at request of DS aren't read. I sent one 2 days ago, he had asked me to let him know when a friend of his had their new baby.  Talked to him briefly last night and he said he hadn't opened it - 2 lines.  Glad I put "...baby here, all fine" in subject line.  I will remember to just text him in future if needed. Fewest words, best, it appears. I'm ok with that, have had a few years to ' get' it now.  I'm a little slow.

[lancaster lady]

In my experience.  I've discovered my AC dont want to know if I'm sad ,happy,in pain , depressed , tired , sick , whatever . If they ever ask how I am , as long as I say ' fine '   they are ok . My problems are not their problems , but theirs are most definitely mine !  Hhhmmmmm. .... !