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What do we do when we don't fit and aren't given the chance?

Started by Lillycache, May 27, 2012, 07:25:13 pm

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Some of the problems I have had with my DIL involves her FOO... Or as I prefer to call them  A pack of She wolves.  There didn't seem to be anything I could have done to fit in.  My DIL has a large "female" family.  The men sort of retreat into the background.   There is Grandma... Mamma... Severl aunties... and 4 sisters.. as well as a multitude of female cousins.  This is a well established  female hierarchy that does not desire to include any "outside" female.

I have learned that my every action, every statement, every joke... everything was critiqued... and not in a positive light.  In fact DILs mother has outright LIED about things I have said... or at the very least taken things out of context.   Seriously.... I didn't have a chance.   


So maybe the topic here is what do we do when we don't fit and aren't given the chance? New title...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


It sounds like you don't like them so why fight them?    I mean, why bother?


I think i get where you are coming from, you do it because if you can fit in make yourself more acceptable, it will hopefully make your relationship with DIL & DS better.

My DD's BF family are very much in your face, have a multitude of outside friends they consider family and are always a darnsight more visible than me, luckily i don't think my DD to her credit would let us fade completely into the background as she sometimes finds them hard to deal with... but it always feels like a bit of a competition.

I sometimes haven't the energy and myself think why bother as Doe says, but i love my DD, GS & GD very much so wouldn't like to completely disappear, you can't choose what other people think of you or how they are and it is hurtful at times.
Whilst you can limit when you see them it is sometimes hard at family events where both sides of family are invited and is more pleasant if you think they have at least a bit of respect for you.
My DD is getting married in December so will have a wedding to go to, hope it all goes well but cant say i am fully looking forward to it for various reasons, one being that Bf's side of family and friends are big drinkers and things dont always go smoothly because of this :(
I sort of try to fit in and in our case i think its a case of tolerance, i would hope they havent gone as far as they seem to have in your case Lilly, but as i am not a fly on the wall or party to any conversations they have about us i wouldnt know for certain lol.
Jill x


This thread was just some of that "Anger Stage" taking over.  Sometimes it just errupts out of no where and I have no place to put it.  DH is sick of hearing about it... so I try really hard not to trouble him. (DS is not his bio child after all)   So  DH is ready for me to move on... lol!!   

I still go over an over in my head where it or I went wrong.  Part of it is with her family.  I have not been included in events where both families are involved.  I was excluded from GS#3  1st birthday party and my older GS first Communion.  Apparently I am not acceptable company as according to my DIL.. "She cannot be civil to anyone"  meaning me...   Funny... I never had a problem being "civil" in a social situation before, so why am I so odeous aroung them?  I have gone over and over all encounters and for the life of me I cannot remember or come up with anything that may have happened..   Guess it's moot at this point..  On to getting my head back in the not giving a hoot place. 


Yes, moving on really is the best thing to do, IMO. I highly recommend it. Stewing over this does no one any good & certainly doesn't produce the results you wish for.

DIL's FOO shunned us pretty much as soon as the ink was dry on the marriage license as well as on the checks we gave them (our share of wedding expenses.) I think they acted as if they accepted us so we would be on board w/the marriage but had no intention of treating us as extended family let alone civil acquaintances. We weren't shunned because of anything we did, we were shunned because of who we are. That hurts!

For awhile I wanted justice. I wanted them to feel the pain I was feeling. When I realized they were doing just fine & I was the miserable one, I decided to join my DH who was already moving on and letting go. He figured out that letting go didn't mean he no longer loved his DS, which was a big hurdle I had to get over. It hasn't been easy & I still have my moments but this site is there for me on those rough days which now are few and far between.

I came to the conclusion that they'd planned this all along. No matter who we were, we'd have been out. We can't change who we are, there's nothing we've done that we can apologize for, it's just the way it is. Sad, but oh well....on we go with our fabulous lives!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


When one is treated unjustly... it is very difficult to get over.  When one is accused of things one didn't do... or didn't think was a problem, there is an immense feeling of wanting to "set the record straight" in order to regain the respect and dignity lost...  BUT one can never regain what wasn't given in the first place.  I have to repeat that mantra.   I like you Pen, am slowly realizing that this was the planned outcome all along.  That being to absorb my son into their family as a provider and a baby maker... and eliminate any thread he may have to his origin.  I have to believe that the husbands are a "commodity" or "resource" to these women packs. They are something that need to be guarded and segregated.  Any chance that they may maintain an allegance to another family group is to be squelched.   That's sad, but a reality I am slowly growing to accept.


Quote from: Pen on May 28, 2012, 06:53:33 am
He figured out that letting go didn't mean he no longer loved his DS, which was a big hurdle I had to get over.

I wonder about this whole "have to love them unconditionally" idea.  I don't not-love DS, I haven't 'unloved' him, but I've been reconsidering if I want him and his family in my life, if they ever expressed an interest. 

If we don't like who each other is now, isn't the idea of loving each other sort of moot?  If you don't have any opportunity to express it - and your love isn't wanted, what's the point of keeping it alive?

Just sort of wandering around in these thoughts - looking at it clinically today rather than emotionally.


So Lillycache-
What role do you think your son has in this situation?


Quote from: Doe on May 28, 2012, 07:08:30 am
So Lillycache-
What role do you think your son has in this situation?

I don't believe I have ever posted that I felt DS blamless... nor to I hold any illusions regarding his role.  I know he loves me.... or at least that's what he tells me when he decides to call... and I don't ask him either, he volunteers the "I love you Mom"    However, I think he is lazy and self centered.  I believe that it is much easier for him to go with the flow than to fight city hall.   It makes his life easier.  That's what his game is.  Go along to get along and not be harped at.  He has his house and his kids and he wants to have peace too. He has more or less admitted this.  So I am collateral damage. He continues to throw me a bone once in a while by calling or bringing the kids over every three or four months.  It eases his conscience I guess.  Makes him feel he is playing both sides while making it easier on himself.


Lillycache, you had mentioned before that your DIL was deeply offended when you suggested that your grandkids could sleep on a dog bed in your room for the night.  You thought that they would find it fun, and she thought it was a gross or disrespectful thing to suggest.  Do you think that there might be some cultural or social differences between you and your DIL's family that contribute to her perception of your being "uncivil"?

By way of an example from my own life, I mortally offended my then-boyfriend's aunt.  I was visiting her city for two weeks to attend a workshop.  She offered me her guest room, and I declined because, really, who wants a near-stranger to visit for sixteen days?  I stayed in a hostel, and went out to lunch with her a few times.  I thought I was making things less inconvenient for her, and she thought I was snubbing her.

Is there something similar going on with your DIL?


And if you aren't given a chance, but raised to be civil to everyone, it can come off cold.  I've done that.  Don't like someone, so I'm civil but not really friendly.  So then they tell everyone you snubbed them.  Well, to be honest, I kind of did.  Not what I would call snubbing, more like aloof so I could tolerate the event.  You can't win a game where the score has already been decided. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


Wow!  I feel your pain, my sister snubee! I also believe that the anger is the last emotion I will carry.  i am sorry but this kind of purposeful hurt is just plan mean.  I am done riding their train!  Yes the door remains open but the heart cannot be fooled again.  I will no longer let DS and DIL use their kids as a tool to control me. 

DIL, "  Ya know we will never visit your home with the new hubby cus he has cats".  I am allergic and don't want the kids around cats." 

DH to me after our visit, "hon, I can see if my sis wants the cats."

My hub is a sweet person but he has had these cats for 6 yrs and is attached.  i have 2 dogs so together we r just short of a petting zoo.  I kno the drill and told him no.  Next she will tell us the dogs are a prob too,  then it will be the air freshener, the garden plants or fabric softener or Lord know what!  I AM DONE!!!


I can relate to this in many ways.  I think like Pooh so aptly put, when the score is already decided there is nothing you can do about it.

It is extraordinarily frustrating and painful.  But I also think when things get to a point where it's more painful than beneficial it's then on you to decide how to ease the pain.  It won't be easy and I, like you, is another one who feels that when they've been wronged you have the right to have your day in court, so to speak.  The thing is that we really don't, they don't have to listen to us, they don't have to respect us.

Icky, isn't it? 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift


I think in my DILs FOOs case, the score depended on me and went exactly the opposite.  I'm not sure what exactly their issues were with me, but I bet they were based on finding some.   Had I been politely civil... That would  have been wrong and seen as aloof, as Pam pointed out.   Had I be warm and friendly... I would have been seen as pushy and overbearing.  Sometimes you are just set up to lose.   These women had one objective and that was to cull my son from the herd and exclude his family members. 

No we don't get to have our day in court so to speak.  The group delusion is now set in stone and nothing I could say or point out would make any difference.