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I'm Stuck In The Anger Stage

Started by Kate, May 27, 2012, 02:51:08 PM

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Ruth

Its just that I'm asking myself that right now, and I have no place with the face to face people in my life to bring it up with.  I know I should be much farther along than I am right now, my DS is 32, and he's not just some kind of kid who's having a bad patch.  I know its a serious estrangement.  I don't live in false hopes.  I don't try to fix it anymore.  But it remains a profound loss on the inside of me, I think more than anything because I feel it has strangled me.  I have so much I haven't been allowed to say, because DS will not engage with me, never would, just that blank look.  And because of that I think a lot of feelings have dammed up inside me, there's no where for them to go.  For mothers who got the chance to fire artillery, or take their case 'to court' so to speak, it may be more of a straight line to acceptance, and moving on.  But when you never got to be heard....

tryingmybest

With FB you can designate friends as "restricted". when you post you decide who can see Each post, there is a setting for "friends, except restricted." That way people on the restricted list see NOTHING.

Keys Girl

Quote from: Ruth on May 28, 2012, 10:59:00 AM
Its just that I'm asking myself that right now, and I have no place with the face to face people in my life to bring it up with.  I know I should be much farther along than I am right now, my DS is 32, and he's not just some kind of kid who's having a bad patch.  I know its a serious estrangement.  I don't live in false hopes.  I don't try to fix it anymore.  But it remains a profound loss on the inside of me, I think more than anything because I feel it has strangled me.  I have so much I haven't been allowed to say, because DS will not engage with me, never would, just that blank look.  And because of that I think a lot of feelings have dammed up inside me, there's no where for them to go.  For mothers who got the chance to fire artillery, or take their case 'to court' so to speak, it may be more of a straight line to acceptance, and moving on.  But when you never got to be heard....

Ruth, you may have a lot of feelings inside of you but there is somewhere to put them, you can write them down, get some stones and write them out, write them on a parchment and drop them into a bonfire, but I think what you are referring to is the idea that if your feelings were heard by the DS that it might make a difference in how he treats you.  No one knows that for sure, there is a lot of "listening" going on with ears that are closed in my experience. 

Even if you had been heard what makes you think the circumstances would be any different? Perhaps they might be worse.  Either way it's a profoundly difficult road, one that none of us, I'm sure ever expected to find ourselves on.

KG
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

Ruth

You are right, KG, it is 'a profoundly difficult road none of us thought we would find ourselves on.'  If I can get even a passing grade for effort, I have earned it.  I don't think my 'being heard' would have made any difference, KG, not as far as swaying DS's perception of me, unless both conflicted parties want truth and reconciliation, communication is worthless.  But a point blank lack of communication and response speak volumes, it says ' you are nothing to me' .  To be hated is a far far better thing.  You must first have loved someone in order to  hate them.  There is always a good change for reconciliation when a parent is the object of rage or even hate.  But this is what I am trying to come to terms with right now, and why it is very different from the earlier period I was working through.  I have to come to terms with never having been anything more than an incidental in DS's life, and at the very best, the most I am or will be is an irrelevant little old lady, maybe even somebody he actually respects deep down, but love - no, not really at all.  This has been very hard for me, because I love on a very deep level, and I give a lot.  I have had gifts given to me, here on this website, of profound value, I have had the opportunity to extend my love to others, and to be heard.

constantmargaret

About not being heard... my DS will not allow me to speak to him at all.

That bothered me so much at first, because I thought that if only he knew the truth about the situation he's so rabid over, he would surely come to his senses and apologize for treating me so horribly. The injustice drove me crazy. I wrote dozens of letters of every kind. Angry, pleading, logical. I kept changing my mind about how to appeal to him. Then my DH asked me if I was prepared to tell him the truth, the angry truth, the logical truth, the pleading truth, whatever....and have him reject it, or worse, tell me I deserved what I got. What if I didn't get the desired outcome? What if it made things even worse? Worse for me now means prolonging my pain. I realized I'm not much of a gambler when it comes to pain. I decided to let him have his misconceptions about me. Let him be mad at me. Let him be wrong, and stupid, and immature. I've got several months of survival under my belt, I didn't want to get sent back to start.

Right now I feel like my relationship with my son is a looping video, and for the time being, I had to push the pause button, and get up and live my life. If my son ever wants to move out of the loop and into my life again, I will hopefully be here. But for now there are others in my life who want to hear what I have to say and I'm not going to waste any more hours typing letters on Microsoft Word to someone who won't read it. I don't even want my day in court anymore. But if he ever asks.......watch out.

I'm a little embarrassed to admit it, but the thing that got me unstuck was to keep reminding myself what a jerk he is. The more I said it to myself, the less awful it seemed, and even started to seem healthy. Just because he's my son, doesn't mean he's some kind of special jerk. Just a regular jerk.

We all progress in our own time and in our own way, I guess.




Kate

Most of the time I'm OK and can focus on life family and work in a meaningful way.  I've thought a lot about why I fell apart last week and there are a few reasons, most of which have nothing to do with him.  It is coming up to the 2nd anniversary of the full on estrangement, but I think it is due to other concerns I have, such as possible redundancies at work.  He was just where all the worry culminated. 

I know my son doesn't care for me - it's screamingly obvious, and has been for 15 years and more.  I know the only contact I have had from him over that time is when he wanted something from me, generally money.  I clearly have a hard head and have to process things slowly sometimes. 

Thank you constantmargaret for your post.  It really does say it all and helps me put it in perspective.  Yes my son really is a jerk, and I really do know that. 

Thank you ladies for all of your very helpful advice and comments.  I'm going to investigate the 'restricted' list. 

elsieshaye

Quote from: Ruth on May 27, 2012, 05:56:05 PMEveryone comes here wanting to know 'how to make the pain go away', but I think we are fooling ourselves if we can be facing a circumstance as compelling as the estrangement of one of our children.

Ruth, I absolutely respect that you are in a different place with this than I am, but that's just the thing - we're all in different places with it.   Everyone has the right to be wherever they are in the process, but we have to be careful that we do not imply that where we are is the only place to be, or that everyone should be there for the same length of time and in the same way.  Everyone goes through this in the way and duration that is appropriate for them, and if it's not the same as how someone else is feeling or coping, that's not the same as "fooling ourselves." KWIM?

This too shall pass.  All is well.

elsieshaye

I also wanted to add that it's ok to be stuck.  Sometimes, we just are.  All you can do sometimes is recognize how you feel and honor it.  That doesn't have anything to do with how things are for anyone else, but it does simply mean that it's how things are for you right now.  I'm sorry you're hurting.
This too shall pass.  All is well.

luise.volta

Yes, we are all unique. That's a good point. Here is something weird about me for what's its worth: I do something that I'm not sure will make make much sense but I have still seen it work many times. I get stuck and then on some level give up, and by doing that, I pop out of it. It's never deliberate or even my goal because when I'm stuck I can't see beyond the end of my nose. But in retrospect...that's a pattern I often see in myself. When I am working hard I don't move and when I give up, I do. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

NewMama

Grief is different for everyone, and I think it's normal to hit a 'stuck' stage at some point. Acknowledging you're in that spot will help you get through it. I don't believe time heals anything, and it sounds like most of the time you focus your energy elsewhere. Letting go of anger is difficult, but hanging on to it still gives the other person control over your life. And you can bet someone that self-centered isn't giving you a second thought. 

Pooh

I ditto what KG, Elsie, trying and Luise said.  To move on I had to give up.  Give up can have many meanings.  It doesn't mean I gave up on me, it doesn't mean that I gave up on him.  For me, it meant I gave up trying to justify every day why I deserved to be in his life.  I gave up trying to justify to him that I loved him and thought about him.  I gave up living in the past.  To keep reliving every precious memory with him sure was making me miss out on the present.  What a shame that I was missing out on so much because of a choice he made.  That's my fault, not his.  That's how I moved on.  When I realized that no matter what I did, no matter what I thought, no matter what I justified - it wasn't affecting him, it was only affecting me.  I get to choose that when I see a bird flying, I can think "What a glorious sight" or I can think, "Dang, I just washed my car, go away bird."  My choice, my life.  I prefer to watch it soar.

Kate, anger is healthy.  You have to go through anger.  Don't beat yourself up as anger is what brought me to acceptance.  I was angry at him, but once I began being angry at myself, for giving him that much power, I was able to accept.

And also as Elsie, KG and Luise said so well, there is no timetable for anyone.  Everyone moves at their own pace.  Some quickly, some slowly.  Neither is wrong, it's just who we are. 

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Ruth

I agree and understand all the good points.  I can see that I am a far more prolific writer when I am in a struggling state, than I am otherwise, and this is probably something I need to rethink.  Elsie, I am sorry if I implied that 'my place was the only place to be',  I thought I was making an observation that was constructive as far as saying that it (finding peace and reinventing your life) can be a process, and not a single moment of enlightenment when all comes out ok, but it may have read differently than I intended.  This w/e was a holiday, in the US, and holidays are always setbacks for me, in addition to visiting my mother over the w/e and hearing her nonchalantly talk about her 'visits' with DS, and the pleasant things he talks to her about.  It made me feel very lonely and the rejection hurt.  I intend to practice learning to process these periods silently, and not allow it to bring me so far down.

justanoldgrandma

Quote from: luise.volta on May 28, 2012, 07:51:32 PM
Yes, we are all unique. That's a good point. Here is something weird about me for what's its worth: I do something that I'm not sure will make make much sense but I have still seen it work many times. I get stuck and then on some level give up, and by doing that, I pop out of it. It's never deliberate or even my goal because when I'm stuck I can't see beyond the end of my nose. But in retrospect...that's a pattern I often see in myself. When I am working hard I don't move and when I give up, I do. Sending love...

When I've have a anxiety issue that drags on and on concerning a loved one, can't fix it no matter how hard I try, get so frustrated and obsessed that I think I'll go mad, I have finally reached rock bottom in my thinking I can fix it; like Luise says, I've given up.  (I know this isn't a religious site, so I'll just say, "I give up, I let it go, take this from me.") Once I felt instant release, the next gradual....and again, things turned out so much better in my life, not my 'perfect' but so much better than I had thought possible....

Whether a person calls it giving up, letting go, letting a spirit take control, whatever, it gives me peace if I can get to that point.

Ruth, your son has unusual problems since childhood and you have done way over what you can do..... another cliche is just "it's him, not me."  I've had to do this w an IL that I have to maintain contact with in order not to be hurt so much.....

About feeling alone when hearing of others' holidays, Ruth, I'm going to be w/o one ds on Christmas and Thanksgiving and MDay and other holidays for the rest of my life (wow, that just occurred to me) bc the other family takes precedent and doesn't believe in sharing.  I have to accept it and MDay wasn't so hard this year bc I refuse to feel like a victim (although I did get a post-Day blues a couple of days later.)  I of course still envy the close families as you mentioned, but I know their lives aren't perfect either.

These posts are all good advice.....I hope you can come to some peace....no one understands another's situation but we do understand some of the pain you are experiencing....

I've had the denial (astonishment of the situation), trying to change it, venting endlessly to dh and some close friends (who just do not want to hear it, think I'm exaggerating, even dh says so ((in denial)), the anger, the sadness, trying to accept that my life isn't the way I thought it should be....

But I'm being increasingly reminded that life is short and my loved ones and I are as healthy as we are ever going to be in the future so I'd better enjoy life now....that's way I'm here reading how others cope.

luise.volta

Justa - I think that's a great post to wrap this up on. Thank you. If we are ready, movement follows. I we aren't, we want others to agree with us and hold on for dear life. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama