Daughter in law takes off to college, baby and my son stays behind

[Paris1950]

My situation keeps getting more and more bizarre.  They DS and DIL decided to get a divorce through a mediator, yet she continues to come here sleep in son's room, and he is completely just fine with it.  He says they are going to stay good friends, what the heck kind of divorce is that?  Most people I know divorce end being around each other anymore...not these two.  I cannot figure it out why she wants a divorce.  Something is definately fishy.  I have to be nice to this girl or else she will take the GS away from me, she can get nasty.  Her family does not bother with her, the mother has not communicated with her in years and hasn't seen the gs in 2 years, she is bipolar.  The father is an alcoholic and doesn't bother seeing the child either.  She wants to stay at my house this summer while she works instead of staying down there.  I just don't get it.  The DIL told me she thinks of me as her only mother since I have known her at 15yrs old she is now 32.  She wants to continue being in the family.  My son plans on getting an apt in about 3-4 mths.  She tells me that at times she might stay with him too.  What in the world kind of divorce is this?  I tend to think she wants freedom to go out down there.   If she doesn't want to be married to my son, why does she want to be around him whenever she decides to come home.  I can only hope she doesn't come home much after the summer.  I don't understand the situation does anyone out there?

[2chickiebaby]

Paris,
No, I don't get it either.  Seems like you're a very important part of her life.  I don't know why she'd want to continue
in this way. Maybe someone else can help.  There is something going on here, though.  I know you need to understand.
Hope help is coming your way through these wonderful people on our site.  They are very wise women.
Blessings....

[DDM]

Well I will say that your DIL certainly has 'balls"! She knows what she wants and she apparently has the power to dictate how things are going to be. She sounds like a spoiled brat to me and has little or no consideration for anyone but herself. She gets to live her life away at school without any responsibility for her son or husband. She lets you take care of that. Then she gets to come 'home' when she wants and has everything just how she likes it. In the meantime, everyone adjusts their own lives to accommodate her.

There are lots of 'unconventional' relationship. ie divorced yet living together, married but separate lives etc.. etc. and they can work if both parties agree. She knows what she wants so now it will be up to your son to figure out what he wants.

[DDM]

"I cannot figure out why she wants a divorce. Something is fishy."

Paris you should go with your gut on this. I think there might be more going on then you know as well. I would be very careful about a mediated settlement. I would hate to see your son agree to 'her' terms at his and his son's expense. What may seem workable in the short term (we want to remain friends) could turn into a battle long term. Both your son and DIL will have many changes in their lives over the years. They will have relationship changes, financial changes, location changes etc. Your son has to consider all the possible scenarios and make sure both he and his son are protected. I can understand why your DIL may want to go the mediating route. She is more likely to have a better outcome than she may be 'legally' entitled to. For instance, legally she would be required to pay child support if your son has sole custody. She may even negotiate parental rights for herself that a court may reject etc. I think your son would be wise to either seek legal council or do a lot of research before he agrees to anything. To make concessions in order to avoid conflict may come back to bite him later. I have a feeling your DIL has things worked out in her mind and may not be letting anyone know what her real plans are. Those plans may only come to light once she has all the legal work done and your son's signature on the dotted line. Please be cautious. JMHO

[cocobars]

Actually, I agree with mediating, but only with cautiousness. The fact that your son may be granted full physical custody would bring me right to the mediating table.  In many states the father doesn't really get custody, unless the mother does not want the child at all.  The simplicity of her agreement on this, would be a real selling point (if that is what she is agreeing to).  It's something he may not see in a courtroom.  Once custody is awarded to one parent, it's almost impossible to turn around over the years.  Child support can be altered and changed, but custody is a biggie!

I think it would be wise to go see an attorney for advice on how to proceed (that fee would be nothing but a consultation fee).  Then, being forwarned and advised, I would get the quickest mediator I could find (as long as she is still willing to give DS "FULL custody," and proceed quickly.

That's just my take, and only because I do know the laws regarding this in the state of Virginia.  Other states may be, and most likely are different, but if it were me, with her agreement that he has full custody, I would believe he's already won a very huge battle in any court.

You're right, their "friendliness" may change over the years, but as I said, visitation and child support can change too.  Custody is a real battle, that can tear your heart out.  How they want to proceed "as friends" wouldn't bother me at all.  The fact that they are remaining friends is actually better for the GC.  GC will still have exposure to DIL, and no matter what you feel about her, she is the mother and that will mean allot to that child's future. 

That's my take.  I would not be too suspicious of her motives.  The marriage is over, and the custody battle (the biggest concern) seems to be in DS's favor!  This sounds like a win to me, and quick is better - before she changes her mind... 

I hope all works out for you Paris.  I would see if DS will get an attorney's advice quickly, and push the mediation.  I'm no expert, but an attorney in your State will be! 

Keeping you in my thoughts, and sending you many hugs!

P.S.- If she is estranged from her biological family, this may be the reason why she is looking to you, and says allot about the kind of positive influence you are.  I would think you may have become that mother she always wanted, but never had.  That's a compliment.

[cocobars]

Something else I wanted to add.  It's common for parents to take "Joint custody."  Don't let these words scare you, as this simply means the parents both have input on the childs welfare.  The words in an agreement that will be important for your son (and GC) are "full physical custody," being granted to your son.  If those words are there, he has won a great battle in court!

Good luck Paris!  Keep us posted...

[DDM]

Coco, you make a good point about mediation and I will agree that it is a very good way to go especially if both parties are basically on the same page about the issues going in. I only worry that Paris' son may give up more than is fair to avoid conflict. Of course I don't know her son, so it is only speculation on my part. Because of my own experience I may also have unfairly judged DIL's motivations. It does sound like she has adopted Paris as her own family, which is understandable considering her background. For what ever reason she does not want to be married - that is quite clear. If she still wants to be like a daughter - why not? Better than being enemies. If she still wants a friendly relationship with her ex, that is also a good thing. As I said, there are lots of unconventional relationships. The main thing is that it works for both of them and most importantly their child. Maybe this should be looked at as the two of them redefining their relationship instead of ending it.

[cocobars]

Hi DDM.  I agree with you wholeheartedly!  That's why I thought the attorney should be the first stop.  I just want you to know that I read your posts, and should have included that in my reply, and thought your advice was really good.  The only thing I thought differently about was the mediation, and I felt that since it appeared that they had already agreed on going that route, then it may be something for him to take advantage of.  The laws are different for different states too.  What I know of Virginia State Law, may not be the same where Paris is, so a consultation with an attorney before going to mediation to me anyway, gives me advice and forwarning...

I thought your advice was very good other than that, and was just adding my perspective, from what I do know here in Virginia.

Sending you hugs...

[Paris1950]

Updating.....Everything keeps getting more n more stressful and fishy.  My son and I had a big blow out on his moping around the house and texting, phone, pc seems to be more important these days then his own son.  I know he is going through stuff, but he continues constant texting, calling the DIL who want the divorce.  I am sure it pisses her off.  We spoke calmly today and he still loves this woman and would take her back if she changes her mind.  It amazes me.  He can get full physical custody, but she can come back in 3 years and fight the issue in court, so advice to my son is document everything she says or does in those years.  I agree.  I think if the DIL fails out of dental school she might come back and beg him...good god...I actually think he would take her back.  He has been hurt, and it seems she is not sure what she wants, I really think she has someone in the background waiting to pay her bills.  My son mentioned today that he thinks she will find out she cannot pay her tuition  and quit school and want him and the son back.  I thought no way she wants to be married, i think she wants to run with other possibilites out there like someone with more money who will pay her bills.  My son really believes her and trusts her.  I don't  I think she is a nut.  She plans on coming home for the summer working and staying at my home...this will be very difficult for me to keep the neutral peace.  My son has gotten an apt and will fully move out in the next 5 weeks, he wants his son to move with him but only 3-4 days a week, he admitted he cannot raise him on his own fully yet.  My son continues on the roller coaster, moody, happy, and very distracted, he also continues counseling.  I really think he is pretty sure the DIL will come back and want to stay married.  I am hoping she doesn't...it will never work.  I think they are both better apart.  I know my son  mentions she will stay at his apt if she want....I ask you what the heck kind of divorce is this?   So very fishy.....nuts...

[2chickiebaby]

Updating.....Everything keeps getting more n more stressful and fishy.  My son and I had a big blow out on his moping around the house and texting, phone, pc seems to be more important these days then his own son.  I know he is going through stuff, but he continues constant texting, calling the DIL who want the divorce.  I am sure it pisses her off.  We spoke calmly today and he still loves this woman and would take her back if she changes her mind.  It amazes me.  He can get full physical custody, but she can come back in 3 years and fight the issue in court, so advice to my son is document everything she says or does in those years.  I agree.  I think if the DIL fails out of dental school she might come back and beg him...good god...I actually think he would take her back.  He has been hurt, and it seems she is not sure what she wants, I really think she has someone in the background waiting to pay her bills.  My son mentioned today that he thinks she will find out she cannot pay her tuition  and quit school and want him and the son back.  I thought no way she wants to be married, i think she wants to run with other possibilites out there like someone with more money who will pay her bills.  My son really believes her and trusts her.  I don't  I think she is a nut.  She plans on coming home for the summer working and staying at my home...this will be very difficult for me to keep the neutral peace.  My son has gotten an apt and will fully move out in the next 5 weeks, he wants his son to move with him but only 3-4 days a week, he admitted he cannot raise him on his own fully yet.  My son continues on the roller coaster, moody, happy, and very distracted, he also continues counseling.  I really think he is pretty sure the DIL will come back and want to stay married.  I am hoping she doesn't...it will never work.  I think they are both better apart.  I know my son  mentions she will stay at his apt if she want....I ask you what the heck kind of divorce is this?   So very fishy.....nuts...

Paris, just my 2 cents on her living with you...this is going to be a disaster, I'm afraid.  You will do something, not meaning
to at all, but something that will make her furious at you.  Little things like fixing dinner might be viewed as aggression
towards her, saying she can't cook.  That's the way some of them are....trust me, I would figure out some way for her
to live elsewhere, not with you. 

I know you feel caught in the middle and are trying to be accommodating but it will end up with her making you feel
like a second class citizen in your own home.  She is up to something and seems like she'll use anyone to get what she
wants.  Watch out...

[DDM]

"She plans on coming home for the summer working and staying at my home...this will be very difficult for me to keep the neutral peace."

"My son has gotten an apt and will fully move out in the next 5 weeks, he wants his son to move with him but only 3-4 days a week, he admitted he cannot raise him on his own fully yet."

Paris, I know this is a very stressful and confusing time for you, your son and DIL. In an ideal world it is always wise to stay neutral and let your DIL and son work their relationship out themselves. Unfortunately for you it seems you are expected to be part of their plan whether you want to or not. Personally I don't know how, under these circumstances you can be expected to remain neutral. It sounds from your post that everyone is just assuming that you are prepared to accommodate whatever suits them. Have either of them actually sat down and asked you - "Can I stay with you this summer?", "Would it be OK if I leave GS with you 3or 4 days a week?" - or do they just assume?

For your DIL, I would say if she wants to be free and independent then she needs to do that and find a way to stand on her own two feet. You can't declare your independence and keep sucking off the tit. Leaving a marriage is a big decision and carries big consequences. I sounds to me she is only considering the positives and expects any of the negatives to be taken care of for her by you and your son. Time for her to grow up and time for you to let her.

For you son. Hmmm? I think he should be more than capable of raising his own son. Is it that he feels he 'can't' or he 'would rather not'? All I can say is he is a grown man and if he wants full custody then he has to step up and raise his son. He should have you to help out and support him but his son should be his responsibility.

I just don't understand why these 2 adults think it is acceptable or reasonable to have you tie up all their messy loose ends.

[Paris1950]

Update....The whole situation in my home is really starting to get to me, I want to kick both my son and this DIL arrangement out of my house, but if I do I will loose my grandson forever and since he has been living with me I have become so attached and feel that he is my own at this point.  I am tired of the merry go round, they are getting a divorce and yet she came home last night, and they go up in my sons room, i hear them talking arguing and then banging walls, with lights out so ifigured now they are having physical things going on.  I sit in my room wondering what the heck kind of divorce is this?  Is it me that is losing it or are they both nuts?  My son is supposed to get an apt soon, perhaps i should just mention to my son maybe it is better she stay at your place for her summer home.  She was supposed to stay with me and my grandson would not be moved, but this bs is just too much.  When she goes back to school, I am wondering if i should mention to my son or ask him what the heck kind of divorce is this?  I think maybe you should mention this to your counselor that you are engaging in intimatly when you are supposed to be divorcing.  Is this normal for a divorcing couple.  Most of the couples I know stay friends but the intimatcy is usually over.   This is so irritating to me, how much should I tolerate for my grandson.   I know if i say too much they will take this child and use him to get back at me....The child doesn't deserve this.   Help before I blow up and say things I regret to my son and her.....

[DDM]

Thanks for the update Paris. I've been thinking of you. First of all I want to say that I am so sorry that you have been subjected to all this personal garbage of 2 grown adults. I have no problem with adult children seeking help and support when things go off the rails. That is what we are there for. But, this goes beyond any sense of respect or consideration for your feelings or your personal space. I think for your sanity you should insist that your son gets moving on that apartment - ASAP!

"I know if I say too much they will take this child and use him to get back at me....The child does not deserve this."

Paris, I'm going to give you a bit of advice that took me a long time to learn myself. You cannot live your life being afraid of your children. You will be miserable and you are not doing your children any favour. So many of us are afraid to confront our children in fear they will withhold affection or cut us out of their lives all together. This is pure blackmail. Unacceptable. If that is the price for their love and respect - then it's too high.

I hope things work out! ((((HUGS)))))

[Hope]

DDM,
I admire your confidence and strength.  I find myself going back and forth - but you sound direct, clear, and determined.  I like that.
Hugs, Hope