Author Topic: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)  (Read 6009 times)

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Offline justanoldgrandma

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Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
« Reply #15 on: May 23, 2012, 08:24:42 PM »
LovelyMimi and NewMama, it's great to hear that you would never keep your dhs and gkids from your dh's foo unless it were a case of abuse or such.....not a disagreement or even a really, really bad argument!  (I'm not the type to "go off" on someone; I take it out on myself and cause myself anxiety!)

But in these stressful times with so much stress on young families, with young wives nor many mils/fils not afraid to speak up, these misunderstandings/hard feelings can arise.....

In a family I know, at a 4th of July celebration there was a huge argument between a dil and her mil; the dil thought she was being made fun of; the new dil and her new dh left and the mil said she wouldn't "make up"; that she just cared about her ds and that he would come to the gatherings.  (The mil had known the dil for a long time & didn't like her for her son and I'm sure the dil knew this; actually, I think it was the two women fighting over the son, jealousy.)  I asked the mil what about the future gkids....she was confident that her ds and gks would come see her; I'm sure the new dil felt that she had nothing to lose either! 

Fortunately, the blowup passed after a few tense gatherings; how silly this sounded to me on both the mil and dil's sides! The two women see each other but not w love; it's sad bc there's no reason.....

I agree w NewMama and Doe about women not pouring all into their children; my mother didn't (see other long post by me!); she was more vested in my father, her job, herself.......so she wasn't constantly looking to me or to her gkids for her life to be complete; in her older years, her friends and activities still took priority at times; it sometimes hurt me but I was glad she had her own life and was happy....

Work, volunteering, travel, friends, church, whatever.....we mils need to find our happiness not just in our gkids and AC; it's just too fleeting and not reliable!  (Making notes to myself as I sit here missing the gkids!)

Offline Lillycache

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Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
« Reply #16 on: May 24, 2012, 04:47:38 AM »
Hi MIMI,

Thank you for such a beautiful post.  I wish that I still had that warm and caring relationship with my son but it is gone.  I know this is a fact of life.  Things change each and every day.  I tell you what.... I just had a very serious health scare but I am fine now.  But waiting for test results made me reevaluate my life and truly look at it.  I know I would be open to a relationship with my DS and DIL if they so choose but I will not be a doormat.  I was thinking about the last time my DH spoke with DS and told him the ball was in his court.  My main thoughts were for DD because she is not married.  I do believe in Karma and it has a tendency to pull the rug from under your feet at times.  And you know... I find myself hoping that DS is truly happy.  I read this and it sounds really looney tooney.  :)  But I really hope he is happy.   

I know I want my son to be happy, that goes without saying.  I truly truly WANT him to be happy.  I just would like to be part of his life and his family.  Apparently that is not a requirement for him or her. 


Offline pam1

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Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
« Reply #17 on: May 24, 2012, 07:45:45 AM »
When I first came here I thought most problems could be solved by the MIL getting busy with her own life rather than her childs. (and I'm not very proud of this)  It wasn't until I read some MILs stories and realized, hey I could have this same exact problem with DD.  I would be upset if she married at 18 or even 20, 22.  I would be worried sick about her and the whole situation.

Life throws so many curveballs and you're not going to see them coming, unfortunately. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Doe

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Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
« Reply #18 on: May 24, 2012, 10:33:35 AM »
You're right, Pam.  it's impossible to know what it's like till you've been in someone else's shoes.I never really understood how parents could let their kids get  in trouble until we got a call from the police one evening about public brawling.  I thought for sure they had the wrong kid! 

It's a humbling experience to take your teen in for fingerprinting - and it can bring you to your knees to see an AC in an orange jumpsuit.  My urge to criticize other parents went waaaayyyy down after those experiences.


Offline themuffin

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Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
« Reply #19 on: May 31, 2012, 10:53:09 AM »
Helllo Lovelymimi,

 That beautiful post made my eyes tear up. THANK you so much for writing it.  ;D

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Offline Keys Girl

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Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
« Reply #20 on: May 31, 2012, 05:54:26 PM »
Mimi, lovely post, thank you.

Enjoy the hugs and kisses while they are young, because you don't know how things will work out. 

My son would always give me a goodbye kiss even in his teens, IN FRONT of his friends, who ribbed him about it, but he didn't seem to be bothered at all.  I'm glad I have all these memories, and every single card and drawing that he did for me.  Things haven't worked out the way I thought they would, but I'm realizing at this point in my life, that's part of the whole package of being on this planet and why God invented chocolate.
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

Offline firelight

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Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
« Reply #21 on: June 03, 2012, 06:09:17 PM »
Hi Lovelymimi,

this is what makes it so hard when things go wrong with our AC.  Our heart and soul, blood, sweat, and tears have literally been invested in our babies for most of our own adult lives and you're right....it isn't fair.  I have a DD but it hurts no less and we were so very close throughout her life until the transition to adulthood for her.  Seems when they hit 10, they try their first lie out on you, but things are small change and you get to know your children as they grow and can still guide and correct....things are still wonderful though for the most part at that time....then the teen years come and 15 yrs old ...well.....you wonder who is this person....but after a year or 2, they seem to return to normal and all is well again between you.  My daughter still crawled into bed with me still at 17 and 18 on occasion and we'd just talk.  It was a very good relationship.  You burst with pride as they graduate.  All the loving and giving and sacrifices seem so worth it.  Like I said, my daughter and I were very loving & close.  Somehow, the transition to adulthood in the 20s no one tells you about.....just depends on their (our AC) choices and who they end up with.  A lot of things influence them and they make their own decisions and there's nothing you can do about it.  It's very painful when things go bad.  Sometimes things just don't turn out as you imagined it and if anyone would have told me things would be as they are today, I would have bet a million that they were so wrong.  It's all very humbling and sad.  I thought the same thing, if I saw someone who didn't have a close relationship with their kids, I'd blame the parent.  It's a real eye opener going through all this.  There's many women here who have been through extreme shock with all that has happened and a heartbreak you cannot imagine that initially feels like it will surely kill you.  Kind of like describing childbirth to someone who's never had a baby.....you just can't really relay it unless they've gone through the pain.  However, I know that time changes things and things weren't always this way.....whatever time has in store, it will not remain the same, whatever that might be. 

It must be kind of scary for you with little ones to read this stuff.  I hope it never happens to you.  Having AC is another chapter of our own growing and we learn to live a new life and move forward.  I don't think we ever stop growing.  You come to a point when you realize that you have to "let 'em g(r)o(w)." 

You are blessed to have 3 little ones.  I had only 1 so when things turn out like it did, it's a hard pill to swallow. 

One learns how to focus on oneself and live life with or without them. 
It's kind of like having your life back as before you had kids......only different.  Hard to describe.  You learn to be your own person once again.

Warmest thoughts to you mimi.
Firelight

"When you allow life to flow... without struggle... your Soul is restored."   ~z2z~

Offline Lillycache

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Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
« Reply #22 on: June 05, 2012, 05:53:58 AM »
I understand what you are saying Firelight..   I have pondered the "learn to be your own person again"  phrase.  I agree, this is how it is for most women.    I have to wonder though... Do men have to learn to be their own person again when the kids leave or become estranged from them?    Have any of us ever REALLY been our own person?  Weren't we always "someones Daughter?  Someones wife?   Someone's mother?   Now we aspire to be Someone's Grandmother, and when we are not given that status to our expectation we really don't know how to deal with it?   These are just questions I have pondered.  We have always worked hard and succeeded to provide for our kids.  BUT as with anything, we were doing that for others, not really ourselves.    We are not getting satisfaction from our successes for ourselves and our own ego, as men do, but for how it benefits others in our lives.    I don't mean to sound like some aging feminist... I truely don't, but as I get older and look back these are things I wonder about.

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Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
« Reply #23 on: June 05, 2012, 06:30:48 AM »
Well, to nitpick, men have been someone's son, husband, father, etc...

But in support of your point, Virginia Woolf wrote an essay called "A Room of One's Own" as an argument for women having their own space in order to create.  Basically, she was saying women then were generally dependent on their parents or husbands - families.  I don't remember the details but the general concept has stayed with me.

For me, I think it comes back to the mantra that no one is going to give us our happiness; we have to make it and take it where we can.

Offline Lillycache

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Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
« Reply #24 on: June 05, 2012, 06:34:49 AM »
Quote
Well, to nitpick, men have been someone's son, husband, father, etc...

Of course this is true... but what I am saying is that men do not tend to base their identity or self worth on these relationships like many women do.


Offline justanoldgrandma

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Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
« Reply #25 on: June 05, 2012, 07:00:39 AM »
I agree with Lilly; men just don't seem to be as caught up in family dynamics as women are. I think it goes to the basic nature of women; from the beginning of time, so far as we know!, the woman gave birth, nursed the babies, kept the home while the man went out and "hunted", making the living. She was responsible for the family's happiness in the home. The man took his son hunting w him when old enough, leaving the mother worrying about them......

I am catching a bit of "Mona Lisa Smiles" where the Julia Roberts character tries to convince her students (I think in the 50's) that they can be career women independent of a husband.....but she herself falls in love.....these young women are so conflicted as to whether they want family and/or career.....the two seem impossible to merge; they are still at the mercy of husbands.

Husbands and fathers usually dearly love their wives and children and miss their AC when they leave the nest; some suffer greatly w estrangement; but it seems most have outside diversions/careers to help distract them whereas we women, even w the "freedom" of so-called women's lib, still have the family on our minds even if working full time w many activities.....genetic and environmental.

It's true that we mothers have great joy but many have great worries/sorrows.....single women w/o children who don't want children do seem independent; my neighbor can't fathom worrying about family as I do; she is totally into her own life w brief times of being w others.....she's like a ....... man!

It seems the goal of WWU is to free mothers of AC/gc from the sorrow of their leaving/estrangement.....to become more independent, to stop weeping, to be the independent women that the failed Woman's Liberation Movement was intended to be.....as emotional as (I) am, that is a rest-of-my-lifetime task.....

Offline Lillycache

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Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
« Reply #26 on: June 05, 2012, 07:25:06 AM »
Hmmmm..... Women's liberation.   I have mixed feelings about this.  I prefer to refer to the movement as the Woman's Equality Movement"   The woman's movement gave us the Vote.... allowed us to inherit and own property...gave us equal protection under the law in that we no longer are legal property of our fathers and husbands.   Hopefully it will one day bring equal pay for equal work.  These are RIGHTS.... and believe it or not we had to fight for them, and it hasn't been so very long ago that we didn't have these inalienable rights.   Now we almost take them for granted and forget that the generations before us fought long and hard.

However the term Woman's Liberation did bring about a conflict for women.  OK.. so we were now expected to leave the kitchen and nursery and pursue our own careers and identities?   Was this what we HAD to do to move forward as modern women?  Women felt guilty no matter what choice they made.  If they chose to be homemakers, they felt they were short changing themselves.  If they chose to have careers they felt they were shortchanging their kids.  If they tried to do both with equal ferver, they had nervous breakdowns.   Men can have a family and still succeed in a career.... women... it's difficult, and mostly because of our own nature.    More and more young women today are choosing to stay home without the least bit of conflict or guilt about their decisions.  That's good.  However, so many have left the fast track career path and are now throwing themselves into the role of mother with the same intensity they did their career.  Hence the new term "helicopter parent".    One has to wonder how this will affect their kids as adults.   Time will tell. 

Disclaimer:   I am speaking in generalities... not absolute and I realize that everyone is different... This is just my pontification on the topic and some of the things I have wondered about. 

Offline firelight

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Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
« Reply #27 on: June 05, 2012, 07:55:17 AM »
The grass always appears greener on the "other side".   ;)
Firelight

"When you allow life to flow... without struggle... your Soul is restored."   ~z2z~

Offline Footloose

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Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
« Reply #28 on: June 05, 2012, 08:18:15 AM »
Firelight,  so well said about your only child.  all I can say
Hi Lovelymimi,

this is what makes it so hard when things go wrong with our AC.  Our heart and soul, blood, sweat, and tears have literally been invested in our babies for most of our own adult lives and you're right....it isn't fair.  I have a DD but it hurts no less and we were so very close throughout her life until the transition to adulthood for her.  Seems when they hit 10, they try their first lie out on you, but things are small change and you get to know your children as they grow and can still guide and correct....things are still wonderful though for the most part at that time....then the teen years come and 15 yrs old ...well.....you wonder who is this person....but after a year or 2, they seem to return to normal and all is well again between you.  My daughter still crawled into bed with me still at 17 and 18 on occasion and we'd just talk.  It was a very good relationship.  You burst with pride as they graduate.  All the loving and giving and sacrifices seem so worth it.  Like I said, my daughter and I were very loving & close.  Somehow, the transition to adulthood in the 20s no one tells you about.....just depends on their (our AC) choices and who they end up with.  A lot of things influence them and they make their own decisions and there's nothing you can do about it.  It's very painful when things go bad.  Sometimes things just don't turn out as you imagined it and if anyone would have told me things would be as they are today, I would have bet a million that they were so wrong.  It's all very humbling and sad.  I thought the same thing, if I saw someone who didn't have a close relationship with their kids, I'd blame the parent.  It's a real eye opener going through all this.  There's many women here who have been through extreme shock with all that has happened and a heartbreak you cannot imagine that initially feels like it will surely kill you.  Kind of like describing childbirth to someone who's never had a baby.....you just can't really relay it unless they've gone through the pain.  However, I know that time changes things and things weren't always this way.....whatever time has in store, it will not remain the same, whatever that might be. 

It must be kind of scary for you with little ones to read this stuff.  I hope it never happens to you.  Having AC is another chapter of our own growing and we learn to live a new life and move forward.  I don't think we ever stop growing.  You come to a point when you realize that you have to "let 'em g(r)o(w)." 

You are blessed to have 3 little ones.  I had only 1 so when things turn out like it did, it's a hard pill to swallow. 

One learns how to focus on oneself and live life with or without them. 
It's kind of like having your life back as before you had kids......only different.  Hard to describe.  You learn to be your own person once again.

Warmest thoughts to you mimi.
is ME TOO!!  Hugs!!

mumof2sons

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Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
« Reply #29 on: June 26, 2012, 09:16:29 PM »
lovely MIMI, your post is lovely, although I had tears  it's such a reminder of my own once relationship with my sons  thankyou.

lilycache, I see myself and my boys so much in what you wrote.

I have 2 sons, ES 26, no problems now, although the usual 'teenage',  he's turned into such a lovely thoughtful caring AS,we are so proud of.
YS now 22, was the same, beautiful, thoughtful,loyal, loving, up until 3yrs ago, when he met a girl, who didn't like the close relationship he had with us,especially me his mum, as someone said here, seen as a 'mamas boy', and then the 'anger, abuse and vilification' of me started,she said she 'felt uncomfortable' at our home,and wanted our son at hers 24/7,[his words].
Her mum also 'interfered and encouraged this. [to long to go into more details]
I beleived my son would remain as he once was, loyal loving etc, but not so,we have talked and talked, and interestingly when he does/did try and increase communication, she became 'antsy'[didn't like it,again sons words], and always the 'rug' was pulled from under us, and the wedge returned.
I'm sad that his choice does not want to be a part of our life.
This affects both my DH & I, so much, as like all these wonderful women on here, 'walk a mile in our shoes', thats why I think the communication on here helps,we have 'walked that mile', and know the 'pain and hurt,all to well.

love and light to all xxx