Author Topic: Fair visitation  (Read 5307 times)

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Offline luise.volta

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Re: Fair visitation
« Reply #30 on: June 27, 2012, 08:42:02 PM »
Good point, H. Here's my original post but I got distracted by the debate:

My Take: You two need to agree. That's it. And the sooner you learn not to give a rip how it is perceived the better!

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline themuffin

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Re: Fair visitation
« Reply #31 on: June 29, 2012, 09:05:13 AM »
It's not equal, but it's fair.

You won't be able to make everyone happy, so make your decisions (with DH of course) and go from there.  You don't have to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) your choices to anyone.

Are your IL's likely to complain?

 ;D   I love what you wrote.  I never heard of JADE....brilliant!!!  ;D  I will be borrowing that.

BTW, I agree with Scoop 100%

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Doe

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Re: Fair visitation
« Reply #32 on: July 01, 2012, 07:03:00 AM »
This JADE thing sounds so defensive to me, having been on the other end of it.  There are several times that a little explanation from my DIl/DS would have helped ease family tensions.  Once I was trying to work out an upset with my DIL - and she said she didn't have to explain anything to me.  That was correct, she didn't - but I was trying to understand her more and build our relationship.

I have this feeling that not JADE-ing is a bit of a cop out when someone doesn't want to work on a relationship.

Offline herbalescapes

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Re: Fair visitation
« Reply #33 on: July 01, 2012, 09:55:12 AM »
To JADE or not to JADE, that is the question...

As with most things, it'll vary situation to situation and person to person.  I've known people who I wished would have practiced this technique because most of their communications were TMI (too much information).  I don't think there's anything wrong with (politely) asking for an explanation or reason behind a decision - once.  If the person (politely) declines to offer further info, then you have to accept that.  I think JADE was intended to help people circumvent an infinite circle or questions upon questions upon questions.  Parents JADE their young children all the time (Because I said so!).  It's not uncommon for people of all ages to try to get someone to change their mind by relentless questioning, so this technique let's you put a halt to the whining. 

I think if a person is trying to improve a relationship but comes across the JADE technique, then the burden is on that person not to jump to conclusions about why the other one is using JADE.  Some people are just more private than others.  Maybe the explanation involves a third person who doesn't wish certain info to be made public. 

Offline Lillycache

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Re: Fair visitation
« Reply #34 on: July 01, 2012, 01:08:02 PM »
This JADE thing sounds so defensive to me, having been on the other end of it.  There are several times that a little explanation from my DIl/DS would have helped ease family tensions.  Once I was trying to work out an upset with my DIL - and she said she didn't have to explain anything to me.  That was correct, she didn't - but I was trying to understand her more and build our relationship.

I have this feeling that not JADE-ing is a bit of a cop out when someone doesn't want to work on a relationship.

I feel the exact same way Doe.  Of course no one has to explain anything to anyone... if you live on an island. OR if you don't give a rat's patoot about the other person or their feelings.  But if you value someone, and you consider them an important part of your life, your DH's life and your kids' lives, you can at the very least offer a rational reason for your actions.  You don't have to submit... you don't have to acquiese, but you really should be kind.  You can let that person know that you are not bargaining or negotiating, but at least they will be made privy to your thought process and have an understanding of the situation.   There is nothing worse than sitting and wondering what the other person is thinking or what the reasons for their actions are. 

Offline Pen

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Re: Fair visitation
« Reply #35 on: July 01, 2012, 06:08:52 PM »
I agree!

..but I can see there might be times when not JADEing is needed. I will not JADE to my evil SM or to the unlucky telemarketer who interrupted my dinner or my favorite show (we don't have a DVR.)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Doe

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Re: Fair visitation
« Reply #36 on: July 02, 2012, 09:12:43 AM »
I think if a person is trying to improve a relationship but comes across the JADE technique, then the burden is on that person not to jump to conclusions about why the other one is using JADE.  Some people are just more private than others.  Maybe the explanation involves a third person who doesn't wish certain info to be made public.

lol - and maybe the person who is trying to understand will chuck the whole project of trying to understand because the other person who is not JADEing is soooooooooooooo complicated to figure out!

Offline pam1

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Re: Fair visitation
« Reply #37 on: July 02, 2012, 10:27:47 AM »
Sometimes it's not understanding that is needed - it's acceptance.  At least that's what I found with my in laws, they questioned because they didn't understand, so they said.  On the other hand, incessant questioning is an age old technique of trying to get someone to change their mind.  At this point, the answers didn't matter to them, IMHO. 

It's a fine line, that's for sure. 
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