October 18, 2019, 02:58:11 am

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Grandchild's letter.

Started by Glenda, May 22, 2012, 05:14:26 am

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Glenda

Hi all.  This weekend my ds, dil, & gc came for a visit.  My oldest gs, he's 6, told me, in a moment alone, that he had written my dh & I a letter titled dear grandparents at school.  He brought it home & wanted to give it to us....but after talking with his Mom, our dil, they decided to give it to her Mom.  Gs said that they gave it to her because they don't see her as often.  I have to say I am hurt by this action.  Those little grandchildren things are such big things to a grandparent.  I told my gs not to worry about it, told him he could write us another letter.  It is obviously weighing on his mind if he felt the need to tell me.
Now a little background.  His other gm, & her boyfriend, live 5 minutes away from ds & dil, the same distance as us.  The reason they don't see Gramma as often is because she has a lot of problems.  She drinks too much, dresses like a teenager, makes promises she never keeps, & pulls huge, attention seeking stunts.  Gramma had a fire in her oven in her home, she blamed a poltergrist, there were knives sticking in her wall, she again blamed a poltergeist, even going so far as to have a priest come & bless their house.  There is never anyone else around when these "poltergeist" activities happen.  My dil doesn't believe for a minute there is a poltergeist, she told me that herself, she believes her Mom did it.
So...why does my dil reward this behaviour with the special little things from gc?   My dh & I are the ones that are always there for them, & these little things our dil does really hurt.  I am the full time caregiver of my gc so to know dil took something that was meant for us, & gave it to her Mom, well.....that's unbelievable, & I feel gs was confused by his Mom doing this, or he wouldn't have mentioned it to me.
Should I just let this go as I do a million other things, or should I talk to my ds about it?  This one really hurt!!

Pooh

I'm sorry Glenda.  That had to be hurtful to hear.  What's the saying, "Out of the mouths of babes."

I would let it go.  Sounds like you have a good relationship with GS and I love that you told him he could write you another one.  I know it was hurtful for you, but do you think DIL is still trying to reach out to her Mother?  DIL can't be proud of her Mother's behavior and with GS saying they don't see her as often, it sounds like she's not very involved with GS.  I'm sure DIL is hurt by her Mother's actions and maybe she is still trying to get a better relationship with her?
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Glenda

Hi Pooh, & thanks.  I was leaning towards letting it go, again.....I am hurt, but I will get over it.  This type of thing happens often & it's just so frustrating to me to always have to be the one to let it go.
Dil & her Mom have a tumultuous relationship at best, so maybe she is seeking to have something better.  I wish she would find another way to do it tho...taking something that was meant for us, & giving it to her Mom, I don't think gs gets it.  I worry about him, watching his Mom reward someone for bad behaviour, has to be very confusing for him...I wonder how gs felt when his Mom took something special he created for us, & just gave it away to someone else.

Doe

Quote from: Glenda on May 22, 2012, 06:20:17 am
Dil & her Mom have a tumultuous relationship at best, so maybe she is seeking to have something better. 


This is what I thought might be going on.

Sometimes there's a gap between being the bigger person, doing what the bigger person would do and how you really feel, isn't it?    I read somewhere that it's not that the brave person doesn't feel fear, he just goes ahead and does the miraculous feat in spite of it.   I think it's similar to being the bigger person.  Sometimes you hate it, it feels crappy, but you do what you know is right because you have your integrity.  It sounds like the other GM is lacking that.

I'm glad for you that your GS loves you and wanted to write a letter to you for his project.

Glenda

Thanks Doe.  Ya, that's pretty much it.  I try to put gc first, & do what I think is best for them.  It's not always easy when I really want to scream!!  I am very lucky that my gs feels he can talk to me.  After years of dealing with this kind of stuff you'd think I'd have a thicker skin, but I still get hurt.  Sometimes I just can't believe the things dil & her mom do.

Pen

Glenda, I feel for you. It's nice to have the tangible signs of a GC's love as well as hearing it verbally. I'm glad your GS spoke up and let you know what happened, and I hope he indeed writes another letter; that was a great suggestion!

What is really worrisome IMO, aside from the antics of a clearly unbalanced GM, is how DIL is dismissing the true feelings of her own child. If that happens often it may cause GS to doubt his own feelings about a lot of things as he grows older.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Pooh

And if this is something that happens often, maybe you could approach DS about it, but from the GS side, not yours.  Something casual like, "Hey, GS was talking to me the other day and said something about making us something but then it was given to his other GM.  He was very confused and wanted me to know he had made me something.  I told him it was ok, but I thought you should know that I don't think at his age he understood why something he made for one person went to someone else."  And then kind of go on.....

If you make it sound like the actual "thing" didn't bother you, but you were concerned for GS, maybe it would be taken better?  Maybe he makes alot of stuff at school and they didn't think it would be a big deal to pass some on to the other GM?  I'm just thinking out loud.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Glenda

Hi Pen.  Yes I am concerned about gs, how he feels, & thinks.  I feel that dil did what she wanted to do, & not what gs intended. I wonder how things like this will affect him going forward. 
Pooh, that is a great suggestion, I may mention it to ds, from gs's perspective. If gs makes a lot of stuff at school I haven't received any of it.

Pen

How do you think DIL will handle your suggestions? Is she amenable or would she be upset w/GS?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Pooh

Isn't this the DIL that pitched a fit awhile back for you taking GS on a walk? 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

luise.volta

We can get stuck in "why?" There is no sense to the senseless and looking for logic and change takes time and energy without positive results. Your DIL is up against it with her mom and your DS has a problem MIL. That's more than enough for them to have to juggle without input from you about how it affects you...which I'm sure it does. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Glenda

I worry about what dil will do too, that's why I said I "may" talk to son, but am still leaning towards not saying anything.
Louise, exactly!!  There is no reason, there is sense, & no one has ever cared how it affects me, but I care how it affect's my gs, so I probably won't say anything.  I want to keep the lines of communication open between my gc & my dh & myself.  I think that is the most important thing.
As I said, it's just so frustrating, always having to be the one to bite the tongue.

Glenda

Yes Pooh, the very same dil who pitched a fit a while back.

Glenda

Just to clarify, when I say no one's ever cared how it affects me, I mean family members, not WWU members!!  Here is a great community of loving, caring, wonderful people.    :)

Pooh

I remember that story and if I am also remembering correctly, your DS hasn't been very accepting of talks either?  If that's correct, then I still think, although your may start bleeding a little...biting your tongue will be best.  I would hate for either of them to get onto GS for telling you that and then him be afraid to tell you things.  I would say he very much appreciates having a GM that listens to him.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell