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Detachment...the new Nirvana?

Started by Lillycache, May 13, 2012, 07:27:17 AM

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Lillycache

Quote from: Ruth on May 14, 2012, 03:10:53 PM
yes, I get it Margaret.   :Moment of honesty - last week Luise did a beautiful post about the blessings she had realized in her life as the result of being a mother, in spite of the pain, or even rather ripened by the pain.  I could not share that sentiment with her, I wish I could.  Looking back, I cannot find one whole day that was not marred by upset or some kind of sadness with regards to  DS, and in fact both the children have kept my life turned upside down, and I have enjoyed very very little of this rewarding gratification that we hear about.  I'm ashamed to say this, but I cannot yet see the rewards outweighing the cost to my inner life in parenting, it has been a very very hard road.  I'd love to be able to stretch out my hand toward you, Margaret, and give you one big sweet squeeze.!

I'm sorry to say that I have to agree with this.  There have been precious few moments feeling relaxed and at peace since becoming a mother.  WHERE or where were all those warm fuzzies that were supposed to happen?  Just lot's of worry and stress.  For the odd moment of joy there have been thousands of pain.  To think, there are still young womem out there who get pregnant so "they have someone who will love them".   What they mean in love them unconditionally.  THAT simply doesn't happen with kids.   It's a fairytale I'm afraid.  Yet despite this... I am not sure I would not have become a mother.  Right at this point in my life I am torn.   I cannot for sure say I would, but am not at the point to say that I would have chosen a different path.  Reaching out my hand also... I'm not feeling quite so alone.

Pooh

When I finally hit acceptance, I also had to hit protection mode for myself.  When OS showed up out of the blue at Thanksgiving at my Mother's, after not seeing him for over a year, I had to make sure that I took it for just that moment in time.  I was glad to see him, glad to see he was healthy looking and well, but held no illusion that it meant he wanted to be back in my life.  I had to protect myself from my own expectations.  Just as he is responsible for his actions, I am responsible for mine.

I understand what you are saying and I have been there.  Keep hoping and wishing with each text or glimmer he gave, things were changing.  Part of my acceptance was understanding I couldn't do that.  That I was responsible for that.  It's hard but since I have done that, the stress has been down 99% on that front.  There will always be a small part of me that hopes he will awaken someday and decide he wants his family back in his life.  That's a decision he will have to make and be responsible for, not me.  He needs to put in the work, not me.  I will always love him, but he has broken my trust in him and that is something he would have to earn back.  Until that day comes, or doesn't, I will not allow him to dominate my life.  I willingly gave him that domination for 20 years, as to me, that was part of being a Mother and raising kids.  They did dominate all my time and thoughts.  He doesn't get to do that anymore.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

tryingmybest

Finding that level of acceptance is hard. One thing I have seen with both DS's is a push pull dynamic. when I get to the point that I'm comfortable with the distance, they are back. always on their terms, and always to keep some need of theirs met. When that happens they both do or say something that just really hurts and we are off to the races again.
One thing I'm focusing on is I will always love both of them unconditionally at their soul level, the kids I raised are still in there and I think it's that inner child that keeps reaching out.
Who they are as adults? Well, the jury is still out on that one. That's my dilemma, and that's the grief. I'm trying to let the good stuff in when I see them, and let the toxic stuff bounce off of me and not take it personally. I think one reason adult  sons are so brutal with their mothers is we are so ingrained in them, for good or bad, they hear our voices, and that connection is for life.
May-be that's why so many insecure DILs feel so much more comfortable with us out of the picture.

Lillycache

QuoteI think one reason adult  sons are so brutal with their mothers is we are so ingrained in them, for good or bad, they hear our voices, and that connection is for life.
May-be that's why so many insecure DILs feel so much more comfortable with us out of the picture.

OK.....  this is an aha moment for me.   There is a lot in these two sentences to contemplate.