Completely done with DIL/SM

[Begonia]

Wow, Pooh, how nice to get a compliment on FB.   Good for you, that warms my heart! .

[Pooh]

Thank you.  It was very nice to log on and see that from her since we have so many stories of FB being used for just dogging people.  She's a very sweet person.

[Lillycache]

Thank you.  It was very nice to log on and see that from her since we have so many stories of FB being used for just dogging people.  She's a very sweet person.

Oh Pooh.... just be careful.   My DIL was the sweetest thing and so nice to me before she married my son.  That's why I relaxed around her and treated her like family, and then the worm turned.   I sincerely hope it doesn't happen for you, and since you are aware of the perils us MILs face, I am sure you are much more atuned to the pitfalls than I was.   

I had to caution another new MIL whose son just got married a few weeks ago.  She was going around calling her new DIL "Her new daughter" and many of us know how that goes over.   She of course thought I was full of canal water..... she will have to make her own mistakes.

[Pooh]

One thing that I have decided for myself, personally, is that I refuse to let what happened and is happening between me and DIL/OS carry into my other relationships.  I see it no different than my marriage.  If I had let what happened with my first marriage jade me to the point that I never married again...oh my...I would have so missed out on the greatest love of my life, a wonderful husband and many years of laughter and happiness.

I learned from many mistakes I made the first time, and I am going into this one knowing it could all go bad someday, but it wouldn't be fair to her to lay my other circumstances on her.  My Ex took something from me that I had my entire life.  My ability to trust people, take them at face value and love them for who they are without looking for the hidden agendas.  It took me a long time to realize he didn't take it from me.  I did.  He didn't have that kind of power.  Neither does my DIL/OS.

Will people prove me wrong?  I'm sure they will because people are people.  But for every one that does, I bet there will be two that don't.  I sure would hate to miss out on those two.

[Pooh]

I had to caution another new MIL whose son just got married a few weeks ago.  She was going around calling her new DIL "Her new daughter" and many of us know how that goes over.   She of course thought I was full of canal water..... she will have to make her own mistakes.

I also know several DILs that like being called daughter.  I do.  My MIL introduces me all the time as her daughter and I feel very honored.

[Grammie]

Lilly,  I know exactly what you mean, I did the same thing.  Accepted my DIL, treated her like one of the family and felt completely relaxed around her.  She posted sweet comments on FB and sent lovely Thank You cards telling DH and I how wonderful we are, all the while hating us.  Not to say that Pooh's DIL would be that way but once you've been burned it's difficult to get past it, at least it is for me. 

[Footloose]

I still call my DIL, my daughter and take her as blood family.  I do not blame her as it is my son I have the history in raising and have only known her for almost 5 yrs.  I am HIS mom and it is HIS responsibility to treat me accordingly. 

I have no blame for her and if we were to reunite or never see each other again, nothing would change my feelings for her.

Pooh, enjoy the good vibes while you can get them.  Just because others change their colors doesn't mean she will.  My prayers are with you that this will be a lifelong positive relationship:)

p.s.  I divorced the father of my son 30 years ago.  His parents are 85 now and thru 30 years of having their name, they still call me their daughter and it makes me proud.  It does confuse those that know they had another daughter so I will explain that I divorced their son but kept the rest of his family:)  My new husband thinks this is "normal" and we both call them family:)  I always include them in my FOO parties and the like and they attended funerals to support me.  My dad passed away 20 yrs ago and my FIL filled in the gap by helping me figure out home repairs and finances, corporate issues w/ career and the like.  They were the only ones who would take my son for a weekend or on small trips.  I always felt at ease with him in their care. 

My ex passed away suddenly at age 55 just last month, his only sib/ sister died not 8 wks earlier of a bad case of pneumonia w/ COPD and Hep C.  Both had poor diets, lived hard  lives and smoked 1-2 pks/ day. 

My x MIL is confined to a wheelchair and has had multi strokes and beginnings of dementia.  He is still doing it all for everyone but himself so I watch out for them daily.  I visit once a week or more and help in any way possible.

I guess I even model good behavior w/ ILs too for my son but he is having a learning disability these days!

[pam1]

I think it really depends on the relationship and personalities.  I would not mind my ex's Mother calling me daughter.  But not the current MIL.  We do not have that type of relationship and frankly, one of the biggest issues I've had with her since the beginning is the incessant push for an intimate relationship that does not mirror anything natural about relationships. 

So, IMO, this is a mileage will vary thing. 

[Lillycache]

This whole distrust thing is MY problem and I know it.  I deal with it everyday and it's a struggle.  My DIL so Gob-smacked me by revealing her true feelings about me after 10 years, I don't really trust any DIL.  Even strangers DILs.   I immediately feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up.   It's something I have to work on because logically I absolutely KNOW that not all DILs are my DIL or feel the same.  At least I can be honest here and put a label on it..... It's like PTSS.   But you must admit that the media doesn't help the cause either.  Everywhere you turn, MILs are the butt of jokes and the objects of distaste.... Even in commercials where the wife says how she hates when her husband's mother visits... and he is standing right there like a dolt and says nothing.  I cringe. 

[Pooh]

I understand and it was something I had to work on for myself.  When Ex had an affair and walked out after 21 years, I didn't like any man.  All men were evil and in my head, were just like him.  It took me awhile to get past that and I had to work on it and my DH had had to help me work through some of it while we were dating.

So like Pam said, it depends on the person.  How unfair it would have been to my FDIL for me to push her away and not give her a chance simply because someone else did something to me. 

[Pooh]

So short story on the drama Ex and his wife have caused my YS/FDIL over the weekend.  So FDIL and YS will be getting married in Dec., 3 days before the baby is here and 1 day after he gets in on leave.  Small wedding, immediate family only.  So YS wanted to have my DH and his Dad stand up with them.  FDIL was having Sister and best friend.  FDIL has small girl child in family, to be flower girl, so was asking Ex's wife if her small son could be ring bearer.  They said yes and FDIL has been trying for 3 weeks to get their sizes to purchase their clothes.  SM at first wouldn't answer her texts.  Then she answered and said her son would not be wearing what FDIL wanted as it wasn't appropriate for him (YS wants to wear Khaki shorts...Lol...yes in Dec...but it's all inside and that has been YS's only request).  So FDIL relents and lets her have what she wants (pants) for him and says she understands that SM doesn't want him in shorts and asks for sizes again.  SM wouldn't answer her again.  So Friday, FDIL tells me that she is going to go ahead and go looking for YS and DH's shorts as she's afraid to wait much longer and will just get Ex's later and ring bearers pants later.  She posts on FB that she is "Going shopping to try and finish up on some of the wedding outfits".

SM sees it, blows a gasket and texts FDIL wanting to know how she can possibly go shopping when she doesn't have Ex's and ring bearers sizes.  FDIL doesn't answer her because she's getting mad and so SM emails my YS, over in Afghanistan through FB, about FDIL's behavior and how SHE'S tired of it.  Oh, YS then blows up and they go back and forth on email until basically YS tells her to kiss off, then emails FDIL and says "Just get mine and DH's shorts" and don't worry about it.  Dad and ring bearer are officially out of the wedding and I'm not dealing with them.  They can show up or not but this is ridiculous.

So Dad ends up using his wife's FB to email YS the next day (Dad doesn't have a FB and right now, it's the only way to contact YS except for 2 am skype calls at times).  I have no idea what was said, if his Dad took up for SM or what, but it apparently ends with YS telling Dad to kiss off.  So now YS tells FDIL he could care less if they even send them an invite.

So FDIL is upset because she feels like all this is her fault...which we have assurred her it's not.  YS is upset because of the way his Dad is being (his words is he could care less about what SM is doing), and now I am all furious again, on their behalf because once again, they are hurting them.  I've about had it with them bringing all this drama to YS while he has enough to worry about.

Ok, so there is the catch-up.

Idiots

[lancaster lady]

Hi Pooh , wonder why weddings bring out the worst in people . My take , it'll be a much happier day without them .  SM  will realise its not all about her , also once again Facebook  has reared its ugly head . With you on board  Pooh, I'm sure the day will  work out .  Good luck ....

[constantmargaret]

Your FDIL should just get your ex something appropriate to wear and hand it to him when/if he shows up.

Preferably an orange jumpsuit or a clown outfit.

Geeze, whatever happened to the bride being able to pick out the attire for her own wedding?  Your son's SM sounds simply delightful. Your poor FDIL. I imaging your YS is grateful to have you there to be a buffer for his bride.

Pooh, take a deep breath and don't punch anyone. Hopefully it will all work out. LL is right about weddings. People do and say some crazy stuff.

[Pen]

Pooh, as Dr. Maya Angelou says, "When people show you who they are, believe them." Your FDIL is finding out who they are, for sure.

My SM can always be counted on to cause the simplest things to become drama-ridden & ridiculously complicated. I understand your anger expecially since this craziness involves your DS who absolutely does not need to have this on his mind right now, and your FDIL who needs to be calm and happy while carrying their child.

As CM suggested, take a deep breath...or two or three. (((hugs)))

[Monroe]

Geeze, whatever happened to the bride being able to pick out the attire for her own wedding? 

Yes, the bride does get to say what the attire is for the wedding.  She's not demanding they wear tuxedos.  She's only accommodating her fiance's wishes re: kakhi shorts.  I find it charming that they are having a small, intimate wedding.  Not insisting on rented tuxedos, etc.  And she is only complying with the grooms wishes about the shorts.  So he wants to be comfortable.  I say let him.  He's a young man in AFGHANISTAN for crying out loud, risking his life and health defending our country.  EVERYONE owes it to this groom and bride to be supportive of them and this wedding. 

I wouldn't say that if they were demanding a wedding that cost as much as my first house (and yes, I've been to some of those) - but an intimate, informal, family-only ceremony where the emphasis is on the marriage (not just the pageantry of the wedding) is my idea of a meaningful ceremony. 

Pooh - I know you are proud of these young people - so are we and we don't even know them.  Tell your son thanks for his service, and tell FDIL thanks for her support and patience with his deployment.