One week to DD's wedding I am excluded from- family all ganging up

[Constanza]

This is the pattern- and makes absolute sense to me- it is like dying many times and starting again anew each time but our broken hearts are softened in this process- it is what it is to become truly human.

[Pooh]

I just want to caution everyone about delving too far into religious aspects here.  We have a diverse group with many different spiritual choices on this forum.  We try to steer clear of getting to far into subjects that might offend others that don't feel the same way. 

Thanks,

Pooh

[Constanza]

Sorry Pooh,!

[Pooh]

No problem Constanza.  I have my beliefs as well and am proud of them. 

[Constanza]

Honee

[firelight]

I've been following these posts and wanted to share a huge lesson I learned through all the surprise, hurt, shocking revelations,  humbling situations, and tearful acceptance of what is: (some of us already know and some of us are still learning when it comes to our current relationships with our AC):  We can influence another person's thought life and hope a certain thing for them....but we cannot make a person think a certain way or do whatever we hope for them to occur.  The thought life is the most intensely personal part of an individual.  As we learn to transition from our old life of raising our children and being/feeling responsible for them in every way, we have to realize that after a point, their decisions and actions are not ours but their very own.  I have been through countless moments of feeling like a failure when I look at the final product of what I raised.  I can say some days are better than others for this.  Some days I look at DD though after all her mistakes and think she is such a lovely mother when I see the way she interacts with my GD.  Some terrible things have happened when I thought otherwise but as time goes on and healing (and learning to let go) takes place,  I know that she is on her own journey and I am on a separate one.   I have concluded (finally) that every single thing they bring on themselves is not our fault or our choice.  They are also learning to spread their wings and fly in early adulthood.  (of course, do we ever stop learning how to spread our wings and fly?!)  My MIL once said to me recently that "your repsonsibilty is over after they turn 18.  Whatever they choose to do after that is their own doing."  (only she doesn't know the 1/2 of what has happened).  But still, she is right.  My own MIL has been through the thickest muck with her own DD so she knows a thing or two at her age of 75.  I can honestly say that these lessons have been long and hard for this 47 yr old mom.  It's nice to have other moms like you on this site and older and wiser mom's like my MIL to lean on when as "do life together".

Time has a way of changing things and our feelings can change like night and day.  I know that certain situations are bound to change as history has pointed out, nothing will stay the same.  We have to be careful with our thoughts when we feel extremely down knowing that these situations are not "forever".   Whatever we're going through right now, will inevitably change again.  We can consider that where we are on in life presently is mere "transportation" to get us to the next dimension of our lives.  Where we are is not necessarily our "destination" as it can feel like at times.   

Warmest thoughts to you Constanza and everyone.

[Constanza]

Beautiful firelight.  Completely beautiful.

[firelight]

p.s. Constanza, just so you know, I embrace my faith as well.  I even had to change my "stage name" for this site in the beginning.  However, I really love this cyber family and I find that I can still interact while keeping my faith in a way that is nonoffensive to others in that respect but still encouraging for others (I hope anyway).  I have to admit it took a little practice to tone down my natural passion about that, but I was also not willing to let go of these WWW!  So you will learn, too, to travel through it in a new way.  I'm glad you're here!   

[Constanza]

You are extremely wise and I agree completely- this is a very special place with filled with wondrous souls and I am happy to comply now I understand.  My love for the suffering servant is so great and one has to learn to temper ones feelings in accordance with those around us for the sake of the whole.  This is obedience and service too.

[Constanza]

Dear sisters in suffering,

Today is day before the wedding and I woke up feeling very vulnerable and tearful.  My heart is about breaking in pieces and there is my elder sister presiding over and getting involved in my daughter's day.  My brother is also going - he never goes to anyone's anything.  I have just received a call from my sister's husband asking me if I would like to have Chinese meal tomorrow night after the event with my sister and brother as if this was the most normal thing in the world.  There has been no attempt at asking me how I feel or acknowledgement of what I am going through.  I am just being picked up and put down to suit their arrangements as if I was some outsider.  I want to tell them to shove it big time but then that would simply confirm in their eyes that I am some kind of lunatic and completely justify my DD's attitude.

My brother was physically abusive when I was younger and when my mum died he made sure he did not tell either myself or my two sisters for a year until probate was sorted in his favour alone. Then we found out Mom had died by chance- our mother disowned all her daughters when we were teenagers in preference to brother.  Now I am supposed to sit opposite him after their family day and take all the crap he is going to throw at me.

Since my sister has been over from abroad for this event she has deigned to see me at home for one hour, visited my church and did a great service which was filmed and then disappeared.  She arranged to stay just a bit too far away for me to travel to easily so I could pop in and chat after I finish work.

How the hell do you respond to this nicey, nicey civilised crock of hypocrisy? 

One small light is that I am seeing my elder son for dinner tonight with his new girlfriend- he actually told me he loved me for the first time in nearly two decades.  He married an Indian girl when he was eighteen and spent the next sixteen years doing just what his younger sister is now doing.  So I guess he set the precedent that I could be treated badly.  Now he has met a lovely girl and her influence has made itself felt almost straightaway as he is just like the young man he used to be again.  He, at least, has a handle on what is going on. 

At the moment I just want to pack up my life and go live in the desert.  I am trying not to think of it and failing.
love to you  all

[FAFE]

This is all tongue in cheek!  Put on your big girl panties, buy yourself a honking big tiara, a feather boar, all the sparkly stuff you can possibly imagine (on the cheap) and go have yourself a good ole time.  If you drink, have a glass or 20 of wine, think only good thoughts for yourself and have a good time.

In reality, try to think that this too will pass.  We never know what the motivation (or lack thereof) provokes people to act like they do.  I will be thinking of you and hope you can tell them all to go jump in the lake or off a bridge somewhere.  You are bigger and better than all of them put together. 

[constantmargaret]

All the serenity and peace that usually is evident in your posts is gone. Can you in your beautiful way kindly thank them for the invitation but tell them you already made other plans?  It doesn't sound like you really want to go.

Whatever you decide, draw the line at being phony and letting go of your peace.

I understand your desire to run away to the desert. I'll meet you there.

[firelight]

Hi Constanza!

I partially agree with FAFE.  First of all, your letter sounds angry (and rightly so because you are very hurt and in pain right now and you are reacting, which I get).....However, don't let your feelings carry you away.  Our feelings can change like the wind.  I know when I went through my own DD's issues, my heart hurt so bad I thought I might die literally or drown in my tears.  The feelings do pass somewhat though.  Don't let this be your destination, but your transportation to the next level, dear sister. 

What I would do (and that doesn't mean I'm telling you to do this) is:  This is your daughter's wedding.  I would try to live my life right now with no regrets.  I would attend and look as fabulous as I could.  Put on some bling.  Hold your head high and smile. If you really want to do something, ask how you can help.  I know the day is right around the corner though but I would still ask.  Don't get sucked in to any arguments that would ruin your day as mother of the bride.  Show them some class if anyone attempts to do this and refuse to let it take you over should someone start something....steer clear of it and carry on and continue to enjoy your day.  Don't let 'em steal your joy.  If someone asks how you're doing, smile and say, "I'm doing great!  Thanks for asking!"  Sounds like everyone has it all planned out (and must have paid for it too, which takes the heat off you).  It is what it is.  Say something wonderful to your daughter....Google something if you're at a loss for words.  You have to live with you.  (no regrets).

I don't think FAFE read your last letter (innocent enough as it can be hard to keep up with all the letters on the site sometimes).  I would strongly advise you do not drink due to what you have expressed in your last letter about the alcohol addiction issues.  I would take my AA phone number with me in my purse and have virgin drinks or soda or something else.  Under a stressful situation, I doubt the alcohol would improve anything with anyone and may make things worse.  I only suggest this because of what you have voluntarily shared in a previous letter.   Not only that, but not everyone drinks at weddings.  At my DD's wedding I was surprised how many people didn't.  Some did and some didn't.

Tuck in your purse some positive affirmations if you need to and read them in the potty if you have to to remind yourself.  Or wear a nice bracelet with some meaning to remind yourself not to drink (embrace your sobriety) or associate it with something spiritual (you won't feel "alone") or a positive affirmation, or maybe it will just remind you to hold your tongue.  Sometimes just using the K.M.S. method (keep mouth shut) will avoid a tremendous amount of trouble should someone try to bully you in any way, at least at your daughter's wedding.  There's a time and place for everything.  :-)  When you look at your bracelet (or some token you take with you), you will be reminded (I do this at times) and no one else will know).  Also, as the day progresses and there is alchohol and/or trouble in the air, that will be your cue to offer the newlyweds your best wishes and exit stage right.  Go home, put on your comfy clothes and prop up your feet with a good book or have a nice little reward waiting at home for yourself (anything that strikes your fancy) for getting through the day in a classy way.

Go on girl, you go watch that daughter of yours get hitched.  Hold your head high....look fabulous....smile.....live your life today with no regrets.  Count your blessings.  That's just me though.  It is what it is.  Accept it and live it one day at a time.  ;-)  You can do this becaue you're awesome like that.   

 

[firelight]

A friendly reminder:  We can't change another person's thoughts or actions no matter who they are.  We can only influence them.

We can only control our own.   

[firelight]

P.S.S.  don't forget your camera.