One week to DD's wedding I am excluded from- family all ganging up

[Constanza]

Dear lovely wise and wonderful women

I have not been here much since I first posted about my daughter excluding me from her wedding.  The lies and unpleasantness are reaching epic proportions- mainly because I have kept away and not made a personal stand to stick up for myself- believe me walking away has made me feel in one respect a lot stronger.  I am actually enjoying my own life for the first time in forty years.  Do I want to go back into all that nightmare?
My elder sister is over from Australia for the wedding and made sure she booked a place far away enough so I could not just pop in and see her when I was free from work.  She has visited for one patronising hour(this is old stuff and continues to this day) and that is it.  I have not seen her for 7 years though up till she arrived we had been having some good chats on Skype and many laughs.  In person she was not very pleasant and I felt like I had seen her for the first time. 
I feel like I have lost my whole family over though I have gained a life of my own.  People around me know something is up but I cannot bring myself to discuss it as so many women seem to love this kind of intrigue and I am sick of it.
Just would love some kind words.
My painting of Mary that I am doing whilst praying for all abused mothers is coming on well- after some struggles- Mary is one powerful presence.
love to you all

[luise.volta]

You have my kind words and deep respect. None of this is about you and you are getting the brunt of all of the negativity. Good for you for focusing on your life, your talent and Mary! Sending love...

[Constanza]

Bless you missus V

[Footloose]

Hi there my sister from another mister! (or a dysfunctional family like mine)

It is very possible that you have grown out of your families dysfunction and you no longer fit in because you have become more healthy!  God bless you for focusing your good energy on those who can appreciate it and you.  I wish you peace during this trying time.  Maybe take a vacation in person or in your mind away from it all and act like it is not happening.  It really is not happening to you if u are not there.  You are free from all of the drama and bullying!

Sometimes families are like rotting flesh on the body ad the only life saving measure is to amputate.  it is not the end but the beginning of healing and wellness!  I am looking forward to a preview of your heartfelt painting:)   Hugs <3cu

[Doe]

I feel like I have lost my whole family over though I have gained a life of my own. 

Some people never get to experience what you've gained - it's priceless.   I love that you're focusing on Mary. 

I want to spend the rest of my life working on my spiritual self.  It's almost as if I had to go through all the family stuff to make me realize what was important for me to focus on at this point in my life, so I hear what you're saying!

[Ruth]

For me, it isn't a smooth path.  Each day, I pray for peace and the strength and wisdom to see things as they really are, accept it and rein in my overactive imagination, and make wise decisions.  Some people have more of a straight and easy way through it, Constanza, but I have not had a smooth road.  Having these times of misgivings and turmoil does not indicate we've lost our way, you are on the right path and making progress but some days still hurt and some times doubts still arise, and this is highly precipitated by events like weddings, holidays, etc.  No matter how much I remind myself of this and think I have made 'advance preparation', it seems I always fall back into the pit and have to climb back out again.  I thought you made an important comment about keeping these things to yourself, I understand what you are saying and respect and support you in this.  And by the way, I also have one of those patronizing, smug older sisters that I have chosen to be very cautious with.  But I still think that our goal should always be to heal relationships if possible, and not be too hasty to cut those ties, life is hard and none of us do it perfectly.  Maybe you and your sister can start over, and give her some time to get to know you as you are now. 

[firelight]

Hi Ruth,  don't feel alone...we have all fallen into the pit.....just don't decorate there!  Continue on with the climb out.  You'll get there.   

[Constanza]

You wonderful and holy people.  I have taken all your comments into my heart and the wisdom.  Ruth I truly appreciate your words and hope that perhaps one day all will turn around and improve- even just a little.  But for now I will take that mental vacation as far as possible and distance my self from the rotting flesh of dysfunction- I have never thought of it that way and it is so apt, I'm amazed.

Love and hugs to all you brokenhearted women who have so much beauty inside that our poor families cannot take it.

XXXXX

[constantmargaret]

 I know what you mean, Constanza. I need a time out from my family too. Part of me secretly envies you for being banned from the wedding. I have to attend a wedding soon and I mostly just dread going. So many people there I have family ties to, but who at best, misunderstand me and at worst, outright despise me. I would just rather skip the whole thing. Most of the guests would be delighted with that, but for those who wouldn't understand, I will suck it up and put in my obligatory appearance.

I'm banned from my DS's upcoming high school graduation. I was told I didn't deserve to be there. The rejection hurts, of course, but not having to sit through twenty boring speeches on a sunny Saturday afternoon really doesn't. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is this. We didn't choose to be banned. But since we are, the best thing is to enjoy the ban. And not feel guilty about enjoying the peace. At this point in my life, after everything I went through and still am going through, all I want is peace. If they can't be nice to me, they can ban me all they want and I will consider it a favor, considering the alternative. I'll take solitude and peace over abuse and hostility any day.

I hope you find a way to enjoy the wedding day.  Peace be with you.

[Constanza]

Dear ConstantMargaret
You will find a new family in new places.  The poor, the lonely, the rejected, the despised, the outcasts, the people banned from family occasions!  In a way it is our greatest blessing to be in this place- if you believe in Christ, you are there sharing the pain of the world with him.  If not, he is sharing it with you whether you believe or not and this is true and holy work. 

I did a beautiful visualisation meditation with a group of women who come to seek help and support for their problems and upsetting life.  Mostly people listen and give support but as an artist I have been asked to paint with them.  We draw each other very badly, and we laugh and giggle - especially about the beards that seem to appear from nowhere) and we forget everything except what we are doing with our art materials.  The meditation was about a allowing this wonderful turquoise blue cloud descend into us and fill every part of ourselves.  Calming, warming, succouring.  We are Beloved.  We are Beloved.  We are loved.  This is very powerful and reminds us there is a source of love outside our wretched families that is ever present and can be called on every time we need it.
Peace to all of you here.

[Pen]

Hi there my sister from another mister! (or a dysfunctional family like mine)

It is very possible that you have grown out of your families dysfunction and you no longer fit in because you have become more healthy!  God bless you for focusing your good energy on those who can appreciate it and you.  I wish you peace during this trying time.  Maybe take a vacation in person or in your mind away from it all and act like it is not happening.  It really is not happening to you if u are not there.  You are free from all of the drama and bullying!

Sometimes families are like rotting flesh on the body ad the only life saving measure is to amputate.  it is not the end but the beginning of healing and wellness!  I am looking forward to a preview of your heartfelt painting:)   Hugs <3cu

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[constantmargaret]

Thank you Constanza.

Those words were exactly what I needed today.

[Ruth]

Knuckles still dragging the floor from a difficult weekend....Margaret you always have just the right thing to say.  Of all the human emotions, I don't think any rival the pain of rejection. Many of us are taught to even love our enemies, and to do good to those who despitefully use us. I'm know I'm not alone, it's part of our human experience and at times our own family members can become our fiercest and cruelest enemies.  Love should empower us to get ourselves free from the pain of rejection, because it doesn't seek any compensation, doesn't pay any attention to a slight, doesn't have any expectations - I think it would be the most freeing thing in the world.  For myself, having a son who thus far has lived his life as a consumer only, I think it is my only hope of having any peace of mind and I have reached the point in my life where I will, I must, find this inner peace.

[Constanza]

Dearest Ruth
If we think about it, Christ was the most perfect man and filled with love and yet he had to face the ultimate rejection and horror.  He could not change all hearts, so why do we beat ourselves up when we cannot change the hearts of our children who choose to be hateful and hurtful?  He also tells us that if we receive no welcome in one place we must take back our peace, dust off our sandals and walk on to the next.
This we must do for the sake of our sanity and wellness.

Even saying this, I spent a few hours with with my spiritual director and talked  the family issue over and even then was the comment about forgiveness slipped into the conversation as if I should just forgive and make amends and sort things out.  It is not like that and you  dear people know this only to well. Yes I will forgive and pray to forgive but this does not necessarily mean I will be reconciled to my hurtful daughter.  She also must make some changes and choices to make full reconciliation possible- see story of Prodigal son.  The father could do nothing until the son returned and had learned- how wonderful it was when that happened.  True forgiveness is not giving in and being a doormat, martyr or victim of abuse.  It is the willingness to love hard and stand back and wait with patience and be ready to run out in welcome when the chink of light hits the troubled one.
much love to everyone here

[Ruth]

One awful truth is, (and its little spoken of these days) is that the children who caused so much of this suffering need to be forgiven also, it isn't just a one way street.  I used to think about going to my Pastor and seeking wisdom and guidance for my issues with DS, but long since decided the futility of that.  Only people who have found themselves in this vortex can understand the position you are in.  Forgiveness and 'trying to work things out' are a very small part of it, I'm sure there's not a mother here who hasn't given this a thousand tries, the problem is that when your child lacks the motivation to make peace with you, or finds it entertaining to wield this power over the relationship, or devalues you as a human being and the possible contribution you might make into their life as an adult -  you cannot fix this with overtures of forgiveness.  We are consigned then to wait... and this is a hard saying.  For many of us, I do not think we have it in us to get ourselves out of the turmoil, but here is where I see faith comes in.  I've accomplished countless things in my life that were, for all practical purposes, impossible.  This has taught me that my abilities and my own will power and determination aren't the final say. I have also found that I face the greatest opposition when I am actually moving out of one phase, into another.  Sometimes you just have to hold fast, and watch expectantly for help to arrive at the time you need it most.  does this make any sense??