Me n DH are drifting apart

[deepinpain]

DH is not into religion at all hence was at peace with my beliefs. MIL on the other hand has succeeded in making this a debatable issue between us. I don't feel ministers will do any good as it's is more difficult to get him to see a minister than a counselor

[Vasilisa]

Do you think you could get a minister to talk to your MIL, then, if she is the religious one?

[deepinpain]

Seems worth a shot. Though managing the logistics is my next thought as we are over 4k miles apart and I don't know any ministers from their side. Need to run this through DH as he hates family matters ever mentioned outside home boundaries and there is no neutral person I could turn to in the family who will be heard

[Vasilisa]

Seems worth a shot. Though managing the logistics is my next thought as we are over 4k miles apart and I don't know any ministers from their side. Need to run this through DH as he hates family matters ever mentioned outside home boundaries and there is no neutral person I could turn to in the family who will be heard

Four thousand miles! Goodness! I have read that marital happiness increases in inverse proportion to the number of miles between oneself and ones' MIL. If this were true, you should have the happiest marriage ever!

If your MIL is a Christian, someone needs to remind her of the biblical injunction for the man to leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife. I don't know much about Judaism or Islam, but I think that the wife at least has clear rights. Other religions I don't know about at all when it comes to marriage.

[deepinpain]

Distance has not helped as technology enables her in these times to talk to and see her DS as she pleases any time of the day she wants, nose around whenever she wants. I have lost all respect for her that I had built over the years in this past year. What hurts is my concerns seem to be falling on deaf ears by a son who has selective vision when it comes to mom. I can't help but feel extremely strong negative feelings towards her.

[Doe]

Distance has not helped as technology enables her in these times to talk to and see her DS as she pleases any time of the day she wants, nose around whenever she wants. I have lost all respect for her that I had built over the years in this past year. What hurts is my concerns seem to be falling on deaf ears by a son who has selective vision when it comes to mom. I can't help but feel extremely strong negative feelings towards her.

I think your DH deserves some of those strong negative feelings, too!  She would have no game to play here if he didn't allow her to be in charge of his life.

[Doe]

And I'm speaking as a Mom whose son has chosen to cut me out of his life in favor of his wife's choices and family.  I'm sorry that it came to that, but I respect his right to do whatever he wants with his life.

[lancaster lady]

I would arrange for a technical major failure in my house inpain .
I thought you all lived together , there would be a few blown fuses if all
that connects you is technology .

[deepinpain]

Have already tried it. But DH has far superior knowledge in fixing any disasters I am capable of creating. MIL called his cell n our landline instead. Felt silly bout takin such a measure when I know it is no long term solution which I am truly after.

I know if I part ways I will be homeless childless n penniless. All my earnings have been put towards mortgage payments for a house in his name which MIL is nominated to get shud anything happen to DH. Not even my kids. He claims he will ensure I won't get.custody of my kids on financial grounds n any other reasons he can come up with. I have contributed to his anger for the simple reason that I have tried to voice my concerns to him which he thinks is me being disrespectful of his mom. I wish I could contain my anger when in an argument with him but have found myself incapable of any tolerance and patience in the last year. I have seen that side of DH that I never knew existed till the arrival of my twins.

[Vasilisa]

I wish I had intelligent advice to offer and hope someone else here does.

All I can say is that your DH is an abusive -- well, a word I can't use on this forum. Your MIL is not your real problem, he is. It sounds as though he has been using you and has you right where he wants you. I would feel absolutely no guilt of any kind in leaving him and suing for the house and complete custody of the kids.

[pam1]

Welcome inpain

Are there any women's shelters around where you live?  They should have resources, or at least point you in the right direction, to help with what is going on.  They can ease your fears about any custody matters (should you need to know anything) and can help provide counseling. 

[deepinpain]

Don't know anymore who the problem is. But as of tonite my relationship has turned physically abusive all coz I mentioned counselling again which has made me realize I am fighting a lost battle. I am trying to find what to do next as have told my husband I am returning to my home country with my boys with or without his approval. Need some serious advice as airlines do not let one individual travel with two under two infants. I love him too much to report him, but prefer to walk away and let him be a good DS at least coz he doesn't seem to bother anymore about being a good husband or care about his kids wellbeing

Thanks for all your support ladies. Will keep you posted of how things go further

[lancaster lady]

I think you need professional advice on where you stand , the sooner the better . Also the support of your family . If they could come to you , then you could travel back with  them ro their home if they are willing to help .  Now is the time , abuse is.not acceptable in any culture .

[deepinpain]

Dear Forum Members

thank you for all your valuable advise and guidance. The kindness shown means so much. It helps to know you have someone to talk to about your situation and do not have to face it alone.

I am trying to sort my trip back home. Have asked a couple friends if they wouldn't mind traveling with me and one has agreed. Family would need upto 6 weeks to reach as getting a visa is not a quick process. DH had held back my passport but has now handed it back. He seems to be equally upset about his outburst. Says is as unbelievable for him as for me and I feel his regret is genuine as I have never seen him in a fit of rage like this in all the years that I have known him. DH has calmed down and wishes to work something out to make things better for us which I must say for me is a unexpected big bonus. How far it will get implemented I do not know. 

I know suggestions have been made to the fact that DH is to blame and not my MIL. But I felt respected and loved till she came to live with us last year. It has only been since then that I have seen changes in DH. I know it will be impossible to get her completely out of our lives as DH loves his Mom and refuses to see her manipulative behavior. His family keeps sending him on guilt trips and the most recent one was on Mothers day. Added to that the stigma attached to women & children coming from broken marriages is what I dread to face back home - not alone, but expose my kids to it as well.

I know if I wish to give this another shot, it will be in the interest of me and my kids to lay down some ground rules. Are there any suggestions for me to make to most of this opportunity as I do not know how to go about making my stand clear without offending or upsetting him in such a way that our marriage goes to the point of no return. There are certain things which are unacceptable in our culture like asking his parents to stay away or limit their interactions. Parents are the ones next to God and everyone else after that including wife and kids.. Please please please guide me. I am so lost..

[Vasilisa]

The first thing you need to do is protect yourself. Do what you can to ensure that you will not end up homeless or cut off from your children if your husband gets into a rage.

Abusive people frequently seem to back down when they realize they are about to lose some power. I would not trust this show of remorse. It may be sincere, it may not. Husband will have to earn your trust back.

Is he of the same racial and cultural background as you? I'm asking because I want to know if he is acting out of that background of if he is using your background against you.