Not sure what to do with this

[constantmargaret]

If I saw my FDIL had posted slander about me online, complete with identifying photos, I think I would have a hard time staying silent.

I'd send my son an email saying.....   DS, last time I asked you if I had done something to offend DIL you said it wasn't me, it was you. Well, I came across this on the internet, (insert link to DIL's post) and clearly it is me. If there is something I can do to make things right or better, please let me know.

I'm not saying it's a good strategy. Just probably what I'd do.

[Elise]

Ruth and Lily

I don't understand how anyone can find us in the net if we slightly disguise the details when we post.How could anyone find us through the email address?  I apologize in advance as I know that is not the topic of this discussion, yet I don't know where else to ask it.

[Silver Spring]

I have wondered how it would be perceived if I was found out on here, which is why I'm scant on details. I believe that I would be accused of slander and vitriol as well. It just wouldn't be understood. I think that's partly the  risk we take when we vent on the internet, no matter how anonymous we think it is. I don't think you can get found out easily, but I guess it's  always possible. As such, I don't think I could be upset if I disocered an offending party were posting about me, because I have done the very same thing. On the bright side, I guess we both would at least be in obvious agreement that there IS an issue.

[NewMama]

Worrying, it just depends on how the person sets up their account for a forum. If you make a user name that clearly comes from your actual name it's quite easy to identify someone, or if that person uses their e-mail address in the forum. Same thing with putting personal photos as your profile pic. I've seen a few people here encouraged to change their usernames because they could be identifying. I accidentally posted my son's first name once, and requested it be removed (and it was). Some people just don't think twice about putting such identifying info out there. Unless you put your e-mail address in a post here, it wouldn't come up while searching.

[Pooh]

I probably would have registered on the forum, under my real name and posted under something of hers, "You have excellent writing skills."

I can take critisizm, I can take someone else's opinions...I can't take outright lies.

Ok, that's what I would do, but I'm all about "not" walking on eggshells.  Did it for too long, with too many people and don't want to spend the next 50 years doing it.  I'm a take me or leave me kind of gal.  So don't listen to me!

And welcome Lilly!

[Vasilisa]

This may very well not apply, but I'm going to throw it out there in case anyone would benefit from it.

For a long time I was furious with my MIL over stupid stuff. A lot of my anger focused on things she bought -- I hated the clothes she bought for my daughter, I hated the fact that my tiny apartment was overflowing with the many bags of things she brought, I hated the ugly plastic toys that were against my excrutiatingly sensitive aesthetic and health standards. I hated -- oh, all sorts of things like that, even personal things that she couldn't entirely help, like the voice she used when talking to my baby (and I'm not even going to describe it here since that would just indulge my distaste, I'll only say that it grated on my ears excessively). I couldn't stand her and I felt kind of bad about it and I complained about these things to various people. Finally, after several years of anger and several months of actual physical distance, I realized that I didn't really care about the material things or her baby talk or any of the superficial matters. I felt trapped in the middle of an out-of-control, unhealthy, classic alcoholic family. I didn't know what to do about it. I felt as though I had lost all control of my boundaries, my privacy, and my family life and did not know what to do about it. So I had focused on external things that annoyed me but really didn't matter. It was easier to say, "God, my MIL brought me another bag of fussy little baby clothes, how I hate her taste" than it was to say, "It hurts me so much that she itreats me like furniture and that she keeps interfering in my relationships with other family members." I could get rid of the clothes and toys and have fun mocking MIL's pedestrian taste; there was nothing I could do about the backstabbing and other toxic behaviors, at least nothing I knew how to do. I feel really dumb and childish now when I think about the sort of things I complained about.

I wonder if DIL is focusing on superficial half-truths because she can't face something in the family dynamic that really bothers her.

[Elise]

Pooh - love it and laughed.  I do want to listen to you though because I don't know if can even walk on the eggshells, what is there for me, it just feels so fake and I come away feeling 'yuck' everytime. I like more directness, clearing the air approach to difficulties.

Thanks for clarification New Mama - whew

[Elise]

Vasilisa   Excellent   thank you. I think you may have just helped me a lot - where do I send the fee? lol

[Lillycache]

I think many get a false sense of security while posting in message boards.  After all... these people "are my friends".  No one can know this.  This is NOT your living room.  It's the internet. Google cache is NOT your friend and what's posted will be out on the webs forever.  So it's imperative to follow basic common sense.  Be sure to tweek your details just enough to make identification more difficult.  DO NOT use your email address.... or ANY part of it as a user name.  Do not give real names of yourself, your DH or your kids. Do not post pictures of yourself or your kids.  And as my DIL did, which made me cringe, is post a picture of her HOUSE!  It was so irresponsible.   It puts her family in danger.  She cannot know for sure who is reading and what their motives are.  I think we tend to be trusting.  Especially after posting with people for so long.  We THINK we know them.  Nothing can be futher from the truth.  Everyone has the responsibilty to protect themselves and their families.

[Pen]

Good post, Lilly. It's true, everything is out there forever and can be used against us.

Re: speaking up - I too hate walking on eggshells. I was always a direct, speak my mind gal; my friends can't believe I'm not letting my thoughts be known to DS/DIL. The only reason I don't speak up now is because I'm afraid of losing my relationship w/DS. How does one get over that fear?

[constantmargaret]

As far as sharing here goes, I think there's a difference between public slander, lies and character assassination and the sharing most people do here. I see this as a group of women who would give their right arm to have better relations with their families. The things we share here are not to try to tear anyone down, but to build up. Build up esteem, build bridges, build understanding, build a support system. The intent of this group is not malicious.

Ruth, if someone read all your posts here, unless they are deranged, they would   see the pain you're suffering, how much you want a loving relationship with your DS and the goodness of your heart in trying to help others. If anyone I know saw my posts and recognized me in my description, they would see my heart in the matter that brought me here. I don't think we have anything to be ashamed of. I am not ashamed of anything I've written here and I hope nobody else is either.

We have all been so traumatized by our families that we run and hide like scared field mice whenever we hear a noise. We need a safe place to gather and discuss our problems too. Our families certainly don't want to hear it.  Ruth, if you need to, create a new, more anonymous screen persona. But don't leave. We've been scared to say boo to our sons, daughters, in-laws, and other family members. I'm scared to run into my own son in my own home town, for cryin' out loud. I refuse to be scared here. If my family wants to track me down here, let them. As if they cared enough to want to know how I feel. Ha!!  I almost wish they would. Maybe it would be an eye opener for them.

I'm sick of being afraid to speak for fear of being shut down, shut up, shut out and shut off. I need this place to be myself and I need to hear you all. We're here worrying about something here being used against us when everything we do in real life is already being used against us. What's there to lose really.

[Lillycache]

Good post, Lilly. It's true, everything is out there forever and can be used against us.

Re: speaking up - I too hate walking on eggshells. I was always a direct, speak my mind gal; my friends can't believe I'm not letting my thoughts be known to DS/DIL. The only reason I don't speak up now is because I'm afraid of losing my relationship w/DS. How does one get over that fear?

I don't know that we ever can..  There is no stronger love and bond than that of a mother to her child.  I don't care if they are  4 or 40.  They are still our flesh and blood.  They have been the focus of our love before they were even born.  I understand.. I would die if I knew my son didn't want to see me or talk to me.   Not that he is particularly conscientious about this.  Sometimes I don't hear from him for a month.  That hurts me... but I realize he is busy with his life and his family.  I want him to put his family first.   I just wish he would care enough to check in on me to see if all is well with me.... more often..  I take what I can get.   having a son is not like having a daughter. 

[Ruth]

As far as sharing here goes, I think there's a difference between public slander, lies and character assassination and the sharing most people do here. I see this as a group of women who would give their right arm to have better relations with their families. The things we share here are not to try to tear anyone down, but to build up. Build up esteem, build bridges, build understanding, build a support system. The intent of this group is not malicious.

Ruth, if someone read all your posts here, unless they are deranged, they would   see the pain you're suffering, how much you want a loving relationship with your DS and the goodness of your heart in trying to help others. If anyone I know saw my posts and recognized me in my description, they would see my heart in the matter that brought me here. I don't think we have anything to be ashamed of. I am not ashamed of anything I've written here and I hope nobody else is either.

We have all been so traumatized by our families that we run and hide like scared field mice whenever we hear a noise. We need a safe place to gather and discuss our problems too. Our families certainly don't want to hear it.  Ruth, if you need to, create a new, more anonymous screen persona. But don't leave. We've been scared to say boo to our sons, daughters, in-laws, and other family members. I'm scared to run into my own son in my own home town, for cryin' out loud. I refuse to be scared here. If my family wants to track me down here, let them. As if they cared enough to want to know how I feel. Ha!!  I almost wish they would. Maybe it would be an eye opener for them.

I'm sick of being afraid to speak for fear of being shut down, shut up, shut out and shut off. I need this place to be myself and I need to hear you all. We're here worrying about something here being used against us when everything we do in real life is already being used against us. What's there to lose really.

Margaret, your letters have all been very meaningful and special to me, but this one makes so many good points I don't know where to begin.  Your line 'running like scared field mice' hit me like a big bucket of water.  I don't know why it felt so moving for me, but it must have described my insides to a T.  Yes, I have lived right on the edge of fear for as long as I can remember.  I am so very very afraid of my DS, and even often of my DD, and it isn't a physical fear, its just a fear of the inside of me, the most tender part that defines who I am, feels so very vulnerable and like a glass vase that could be shattered into a million pieces.  Its a deep gripping fear that lives in the pit of the stomach.  I'm still working on this, I don't know where to go with it, but I know its a big long term problem for me.  Every time I post, I'm afraid.  I'm more afraid not to post, however, because to not reach out is just a slow death for me.  I think this fear drives many of us here who have been estranged from our children, we live with it so long that it has become tolerable, but it takes all the sweetness out of our lives.  I have a lot to think about with this letter.

[Doe]

I wonder, Lillycache, what plan of action you're leaning toward now? 

I think my take on this is that she was distant to begin with and now you know that she is distant and a creative writer.

I think maybe that I wouldn't say anything but just continue being cordial and maybe more distant yourself.  Maybe 'cordial' isn't the word - maybe just 'polite'.  I wouldn't say anything because it would take a lot of your energy and attention that could be spent on other things that are good for your life.  I don't think you're going to change her since she's not looking to change.

I would venture to guess that your son knows about her various creative abilities - if she's writing fiction about you, she's probably doing it about others, too, imho. 

[Pen]

Ruth, I understand the fear of being discovered here...I used to toss & turn some nights worried that I'd given out too much telling info after agonizing over how to explain myself while leaving out key ideas in a post. I also feared saying anything about our issues to friends/relatives who might inadvertantly mention something to DS/DIL.

Now I realize my DS/DIL don't have the time or motivation to find me on the internet - I mean, these are people who are pretty self-involved. I highly doubt they would deign to waste their precious time googling me; honestly, they just don't think about me that much. Still, I try to be careful and I don't give out specifics that could be used as clues. And if someone passes the word along that I haven't been happy about my treatment from DS/DIL, so  be it. I don't think it will be a surprise to either of them.