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Not sure what to do with this

Started by Lillycache, May 03, 2012, 04:02:48 PM

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Vasilisa

Personally, I like to get all the garbage out in the open and if someone wants to cut me off because of it, so be it -- I don't think walking on eggshells indefinitely is worth it. But that's just me.

About the sex of babies, I wish everybody would just stop talking about it since it can do no good and most certainly can do harm, but it sounds as though in this case the DIL is just as "guilty" as the MIL.

NewMama

Lillycache, if your DIL is criticizing you for things she's said herself, it sounds like you're stuck in the 'doesn't matter what you do it's wrong' place. Clearly she has no interest in repairing/forming a relationship with you, so just keeping it polite and civil for the sake of your DS/GKs might be the way to go. Pen has a point that once someone decides they don't like you, every little thing you do is wrong. You've given them the chance to open up about what the problems is, and it was turned down. Just keep your focus on your relationship with your DS/GKs.

Lillycache

Thank you all so much.  I am feeling better.  I also feel vindicated at some level.  For years I have wondered what the heck the problem was.  It was frustrating to try to interact with DIL only to be cut off at the knees with one word responses.   I asked DS every chance I had to clue me in on what I had done, or what the problem was.  NOW I KNOW, and DS didn't have to spill the beans.   I also know that I am not guilty of any horrendous missteps.  Because all the things I read were so off the wall. 
Take for example, how supposedly I said vile and wretched things to DILs mother in front of everyone at some event... Not sure if it was a baby shower or Christening.  I really would like to ask DILs mother what it was.  I have no recollection, of there being any "words" between us and it was bothering me.  However, based on her other complaints, I now know that it was probabley some totally innoculous comment or joke that was twisted or taken out of context.   I certainly would remember saying vile and wretched insulting things to someone.   I am not an impulsive crazy person with no self control.  but it simply doesn't matter now.   I have you guys to thank for helping me see that.  Nothing I say will make them think better of me, or change minds or positions that have already hardened. 

I know my son cares about me and wants his kids to grow up knowing his mother.  He has brought the kids to see me without her coming along.  Those were nice relaxed visits.  No eggshells... no awkward silences, no nasty remarks between DIL and DS..   This is maybe for the best.

Vasilisa

Do you think DIL could have some sort of depression? Was there a time you two got along? Did things go wrong when the babies came? Many young mothers are not getting enough sleep, are malnourished and rundown, and that really does affect temper and outlook.

Or maybe she is just unreasonable and mean like a junior high girl, or maybe having problems with her marriage that she is blaming on you, as suggested by others.

Don't approach her mother. If DIL hears about it, the sky could fall in. Search your conscience and if you decide you did something wrong, make it right and leave the rest. Don't look at anymore of her comments and just try to be yourself. I hope things get better.

lancaster lady

Hello Lilly and welcome .

Sometimes we can't do right for doing wrong and there are no instructions to tell us what to do .
The reason we do what we do , is because we have too much to lose . This in itself makes us act
out of character .I wish I was one of those non caring people , acts as themselves with whoever from the
get go .so they know from the outset who you are and has to accept you , or not , whichever !
Whereas we try to fit in from the start and this is where we fall foul , trying to please all the time .
We are in a no win situation , darned if we do , or darned if we don't .

At least you now know where you stand , and where not to put your foot in , from now on .
If only ....lol

Lillycache

Quote from: Vasilisa on May 04, 2012, 08:37:10 AM
Do you think DIL could have some sort of depression? Was there a time you two got along? Did things go wrong when the babies came? Many young mothers are not getting enough sleep, are malnourished and rundown, and that really does affect temper and outlook.

Or maybe she is just unreasonable and mean like a junior high girl, or maybe having problems with her marriage that she is blaming on you, as suggested by others.

Don't approach her mother. If DIL hears about it, the sky could fall in. Search your conscience and if you decide you did something wrong, make it right and leave the rest. Don't look at anymore of her comments and just try to be yourself. I hope things get better.


Yes.... She mentioned PPD in several of her writings..  and in looking back, things got worse and worse between us after each baby.  There are 3 now..another boy.   Her animosity toward me seemed to jack up a notch or two after each baby.  After this last baby the obvious distaste could be cut with a knife.   

I believe she comes from a very close female dominated family who have little desire to include an outsider.. particularly another female.
No I'm not going to approach her mother.  As I said, there is no truth to this story.  I'm not sure if it's DIL making it up.. OR her mother.  From the gist of her writing... her mother told her about this..  Do mothers of daughters intentionally try to cut out the other mother?  Is there a competition there?  I can't imagine ever wanting to alienate part of my child's spouses family. Could SHE have lied to dil?    I'll never know.

jdtm

QuoteDo mothers of daughters intentionally try to cut out the other mother?

No, I don't think so - not intentionally, any way.  Since I always wait until the DIL and her mother have made their "holiday" plans before I discuss them with our family, it appears as if we "don't care" as much.  Actually, I'm just trying to get along and not cause any rift or problems with the DIL or her family.  This is because mothers of sons tend to have more to lose (as our sons won't fight for us the way a daughter does) and I feel we "give" more just to remain connected to their family.  Now, in the case of our younger son's wife - there could not be a more loving or considerate DIL or a more accommodating family of origin.  But, in my opinion, they are the exception to the rule and we feel so blessed.

Lillycache

I would really hope my DILs mother did not intentionally tell a fabrication in order to start trouble.  It really upset me... because here is a woman that has so much!  She has 5 daughters.  4 of them are having babies left and right. She has 8 grandkids..  She sees them all the time.  And Me?  I don't really have that much save sharing 3 of her 8 gks... What would she have to gain by causing problems between her daughter and I?   I could never do that to another mother.

Silver Spring

Just going to throw this out here, whether it is true or not, I have no idea. I read an article that explained that people are by far, more likely to embellish, exaggerate and even lie on the internet than they are in person. She may very well know that what she writes isn't true, but  either way, her readers have no definitive proof. She may embellish just to gain validation for however she feels, when in her reality she very well knows she doesn't have reason to feel that way. It's not like she can very well lie to your son about events that have happened, assuming he was there.

While what you read might be hurtful and vitriolic, perhaps that is her imaginary outlet so to speak. It might make her time spent with you easier on you than opposed to her directly taking her frustration out on you (because, we've seen it here before, you could very well have done nothing to deserve her disdain). It isn't too far fetched for someone to just not like someone, then take to the internet and anonymously vent about them, meanwhile altering little bits of history, making the subject sound much worse than they actually are. Depending on what site she is on, she may very well be fed into as well, which keeps the beast going.  Somedays, not all days, I am more annoyed at my family just because I read something on here or another site that reminded me of my own family issue (however minor) and it amplifies the issue. I have to be very careful about that, and that is why I don't read everyday.

I wouldn't want to be the victim of such a thing taking place, I'm very sorry about that. I just wanted to say that she may very well know what she writes are lies, and that it's not necessarily her own reality. So, in a way, you may be able to deal with her in reality and find peace with it and know that what she says happened just isn't true.

Personally, I would like people that go this avenue to just write a creative book to profit off of as opposed to making actual people in their lives the villain in their fantasy.  ;)


Pen

May 04, 2012, 10:30:51 AM #24 Last Edit: May 04, 2012, 10:33:52 AM by Pen
QuoteDo mothers of daughters intentionally try to cut out the other mother?

Yes, it happened in my situation w/DIL's DM. There has been an agenda from day one.

Recently I found out she has cut off her DH's FOO too, so at least it's not just us!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Lillycache

Wow... thank you Silver Spring!  That is one wrinkle in the cheese I hadn't considered. 

NewMama

Lilly, some DMs of DILs may actively try to cut out the other mother. I have a feeling though that your DIL is probably feeding her DM stories about you, which is painting you in a very bad light. It's most likely the same scenario of once someone doesn't like you, everything you do is wrong. I made a very big mistake when my MIL troubles started of blurting out to my mom that MIL was giving me grief. Even if we repair our relationship, my DM will always see her as the woman who's picking on her kid from here on out. Her mother may not be actively trying to cut you out, she just may think she's supporting her daughter.

Vasilisa

I have learned that it's best not to share personal troubles with my mother. She will always take my side, which can feel good at the time but doesn't give me needed perspective and tends to feed any animosity I may be feeling. Plus then she'll always look askance at that person. I would guess most mothers are like that. We should probably take our complaining to a mature, trusted friend, preferably one who isn't likely to have a relationship with the object of our complaints.

Lillycache

Quote from: Vasilisa on May 04, 2012, 10:59:19 AM
I have learned that it's best not to share personal troubles with my mother. She will always take my side, which can feel good at the time but doesn't give me needed perspective and tends to feed any animosity I may be feeling. Plus then she'll always look askance at that person. I would guess most mothers are like that. We should probably take our complaining to a mature, trusted friend, preferably one who isn't likely to have a relationship with the object of our complaints.

I think this is very wise.  I never thought there was a problem between me and her mother.  We always got along the few times we were together.  There have only been 6 or 7 times in all the years.   Dinner when our kids got engaged.  The wedding Shower... The rehersal dinner... the wedding.  one baby shower and 2 christenings. and when the third child was born.   It always seemed pretty civil to me.  At all events I was mostly around my family members and didn't interact all that much with her family.  So .. thinking back really hard... I am certain I never said anything untoward to anyone. It had to something taken completely out of context or intent, because somehow and for some reason, the well was poisoned.  This is all very helpful.

Ruth

This is a very sobering thought I think for all of us on the forum.  I have often woke up in the middle of the night with panic attack, thinking of the dire consequences should my family inadvertently discover my covert activities on a forum.  It is a huge risk to take.  Had I not been going under for the third time when I found this site, wild horses could have never induced me to open myself up to such a risk.  It could be devastating to be discovered in such a way, and could eliminate any changes of a future healing/restoration of the relationship with your child.  I have to think this over, if I disappear from here ladies, please know that it was because of having to wrestle with these kinds of risk factors.