Author Topic: FIL  (Read 1417 times)

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keeponsmilin

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FIL
« on: April 21, 2010, 12:36:36 PM »
I have a pretty good relationship with my MIL.  We are cordial and polite, but I would not say we are close.  My FIL and I just seem to have more in common.  We are both from the same part of the country, share a love of biographies, sports, and food.  We can talk for hours and I am very comfortable with him.  I do not have the same level of comfort with MIL.  All of our conversations revolve around the kids.  I really do not mean to be rude to my MIL.  I was wondering how some of the MILs on this site would feel if their DIL was seemingly closer to her husband than herself.  Thanks for your input!
« Last Edit: April 21, 2010, 12:42:46 PM by keeponsmilin »

Carmexx

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Re: FIL
« Reply #1 on: April 21, 2010, 01:06:33 PM »
I'm not a MIL, but I had a friend who was in a similar situation and my advice to her was to not engage FIL too much or at least not much more than she engaged her MIL.

At the risk of sounding too conservative, I've seen too many times where weird things have happened within families. As a minister's daughter, a lot of people tell my parents things and then want to tell me things as well, and there have been so many families that have been ripped apart because of either perceived or real infidelities among in laws (brother-in-laws with sister-in-laws, etc) that I just think it's best to try to remain close to the person of the same gender.

Please don't take this as a judgement, as I'm sure you are completely honorable. I'm just saying that things can be misconstrued and trust is lost, and it really can be preventable.

What do other people think? Am I over reacting?

Offline alohomora

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Re: FIL
« Reply #2 on: April 21, 2010, 01:12:19 PM »
Honestly? I would say so yes. People can be stupid. It sounds like the OP is talking about a completely innocent friendly/happy relationship with her IL. Enjoy it. If MIL appears hurt or at some point mentions feeling sad that you aren't as close, maybe address it there, but otherwise if everyone is ok with the situation, no big deal I'd say.

keeponsmilin

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Re: FIL
« Reply #3 on: April 21, 2010, 01:15:35 PM »
I wanted to add one more thing-

In the last sentence I meant that I am closer to FIL than I am to MIL ----- NOT that I am closer to FIL than the MIL is.  They have a great marriage and get along just fine.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: FIL
« Reply #4 on: April 21, 2010, 02:25:41 PM »
I think it's normal as blueberry pie to be drawn more to one person than to another.  I wouldn't read too much into it. Be glad you've got a good-buddy there. You and your MIL have the kids to talk about and are cordial, so it looks to me like all is well. 
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

bettylou

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Re: FIL
« Reply #5 on: April 22, 2010, 06:01:37 AM »
My son had an ex girlfriend he was going to marry.  She and I did not have much in common but she was a real sweet person!  She and my husband were very special friends.  They went fishing togethor while son and I took daughter places, they both liked drinking beers and watching the baseball game, and she was always around him to help him with our landscaping.  I was never bothered by it at all.  I thought it was neat to see my husband who is normally pretty quiet and reserved chit chat with her and I thought it was neat that this younger lady enjoyed his company and considered him a friend.  I think it is very nice you get along so well with your father in law.  You two are lucky you can have nice talks.  Maybe mother in law is just more quiet or has devoted herself so much to kids that is all she relates too.  Enjoy the company you have in him.  You are doing nothing wrong.  Also he took the break up worse than my son did that was for sure.  But she sends him cards on his birthday every year and he does the same for her, he was at the funeral of her grandmother not too long ago and they plan to go for coffee soon.  I think it is sweet you two should have fun

cremebrulee

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Re: FIL
« Reply #6 on: April 22, 2010, 06:28:06 AM »
I have a pretty good relationship with my MIL.  We are cordial and polite, but I would not say we are close.  My FIL and I just seem to have more in common.  We are both from the same part of the country, share a love of biographies, sports, and food.  We can talk for hours and I am very comfortable with him.  I do not have the same level of comfort with MIL.  All of our conversations revolve around the kids.  I really do not mean to be rude to my MIL.  I was wondering how some of the MILs on this site would feel if their DIL was seemingly closer to her husband than herself.  Thanks for your input!

I don't see any problem with this, as long as it's not upsetting MIL and it shouldn't..however, you surely don't want to get off on the wrong foot....but, I think to, it's pretty nice that you can interact with FIL like this....? 

Do you feel badly about it, due to the fact that you have posted a thread about it? 


Offline Pen

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Re: FIL
« Reply #7 on: April 22, 2010, 06:43:32 AM »
If my DH had a special friend to help with landscaping right now I wouldn't care who it was, LOL.

Keeponsmilin, seriously though, if you don't sense resentment from MIL I don't see anything wrong with it. Be super aware of her feelings. As a MIL, I wouldn't mind my DIL having a good relationship with DH as long as she was polite and civil towards me. If she treated me terribly while treating DH well I'd be bothered.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Sassy

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Re: FIL
« Reply #8 on: April 22, 2010, 07:44:43 AM »
Family bonds tend to beget family bonds.   Being close to FIL helps keep you close to MIL.
The visits with them will last longer and will be more frequent if they're more enjoyable for you.
If FIL is the source of a visits's enjoyment more so than MIL herself, MIL still benefits.

I am a DIL, and I have often thought that if I had a FIL's love in the mix,  that could help with my MIL challenges.

Offline Pen

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Re: FIL
« Reply #9 on: April 22, 2010, 02:07:36 PM »
Good point, Sassy.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb