Why can't MILs and DILs get along?

[Pooh]

Don't fret about it FS.  There may be cases of MIL/DIL relationships straining a marriage, but there is just as many affairs, financial problems, problems in their own relationship that have nothing to do with outside influences.  I had a horrible MIL/DIL relationship in my first marriage and it did put strain on us, but we remained married for 20 years.  There were problems that had absolutely nothing to do with my horrid MIL that caused our divorce.  Don't start second-guessing yourself.

[Doe]

You're right, of course. I had Hallmark family movie expectations going into an NC-17 situation,

I wish I could think of a way to apologize to my MIL for my part without being sucked back into the old situation.

lol about the first one - I get the picture.

About apologizing - I think now that you have more information you could apologize (if you really want to have her in your life) without being sucked back in.   I don't think one relationship should be contingent on another necessarily.  You could email pictures without getting together and those pictures would mean the world to your MIL, I imagine.

Our family is an imperfect work in progress - as I mentioned, my DIL cut me off soon after 1st GC was born.  DS followed suit, and later wrote a list of conditions that I had to meet in order to  be a part of their family.   That didn't go over well with me so I haven't complied.  However, DS and his brother are in touch.  I respect that YS doesn't want to share pictures, etc with me because OS asked him not to.  DIL recently wrote to DH to share some news and pictures.  I wasn't mentioned but frankly, I don't want to deal with this *&$%(#ed up situation anymore.  The pictures were like manna from heaven, though. 

If you and your husband agree,  I would find a tiny way be in touch with her  - teeny weeny, like one picture on email.  And keep it simple and short.  After a few weeks, send another one. Keep other people out of it.  It might have a tremendous effect.

[lovelymimi]

Honestly I think this is a great question. There are so many reasons why MIL/DIL relationships don't work. In spite of what generation, culture, race, or religion we're from MIL/DIL relationships continue to be an age old dilemma. Obviously each woman is going to give her perspective to this question based on her own experiences. Here's mine:

It's very difficult for MIL/DIL to get along (generally speaking) because both women love the same man; both want to be number one in his life. For the first 30 yrs (or so)  DM is first in her DS life.  DS grows up, leaves the nest, and takes a bride. Next thing you know, DM is no longer number one. Her significance level in DS life has changed dramatically. She no longer gets every b-day, holiday, Sunday dinner. She is no longer the one DS comes to for a home cooked meal, nurturing, advice, etc. This is extremely hurtful for a DM, and rightfully so. She birthed him, raised him, and loved him unconditionally. The boy who used to light up when DM walked in the room now lights up when his DW walks in the room.... DW can be oblivious to DM plight b/c she doesn't understand it. It hasn't happened to her (yet).

I know, I'm making a very general statement. But from my observations and experience I would have to say this is the main reason why MIL/DIL don't get along (or it at least has to be the top three). As I read postings here from MILs it seems the top complaints are DIL FOO, not seeing GC enough, not seeing DS enough, and DIL being distant. What all that boils down IMO, is a MILs hurt feelings of being "downgraded". As such, MIL/DIL don't get along b/c it's not easy to get along with the person who makes you feel that you've been downgraded.

[Doe]

Hi LM-

Personally, I think it's the son who does the downgrading rather than the DIL.  If the son is strong enough, he would be able to be a son and be a husband a the same time, imo.  Just like he can hold a job and be a DH or be a father and a DH at the same time.  I think a secure DIL would be able to allow her DH to have a relationship with his parents if he wanted to.  And a secure Mom would be able to acknowledge that a DS has his own life to live.

[lovelymimi]

Good Point Doe!!!

A real man should know how to be a loving husband and son at the same time. And when he's not DIL/MIL is often blame each other.

On the other hand, what's considered a "good son" may differ from person to person. A man can be a good son without putting his DM first (as he did when he was single) OR CAN HE?? Can a son still be a good son if he has his own family unit and puts his wife first and DM last??? Some would say no.

[Vasilisa]

Good Point Doe!!!

A real man should know how to be a loving husband and son at the same time. And when he's not DIL/MIL is often blame each other.

On the other hand, what's considered a "good son" may differ from person to person. A man can be a good son without putting his DM first (as he did when he was single) OR CAN HE?? Can a son still be a good son if he has his own family unit and puts his wife first and DM last??? Some would say no.

Okay, do mothers really expect their sons to put them first? I would consider that unhealthy even in an unmarried man -- unless he was under the age of four.

I love my mother a lot and am fairly close to her -- in fact, she lives with me now because of a disability. But she hasn't come first in a long, long time. Neither has anyone else in my family of origin. As far as I can tell, this is normal.

[lovelymimi]

Hi V.

My mom always came first in my life UNTIL I met my husband (I was 24) sounds pathtic, but true... I'm not sure if my mom 'expected' to come first, but she did. It's that way for a lot of children. Somehow the mom is just the most important person in their life until they get married. Some moms can handle this, some can't...

However, I'm a daughter. Although my mom doesn't come first, she's still the leading lady in my life. Over the years, our relationship as evolved into a friendship. We talk on the phone everyday & visit each other when we can. Altough she no longer comes first, she loves the fact that I have a great husband, and that he takes such good care of me. I tend to think these dynamics are different for DM/DS relationships though.

[lancaster lady]

I certainly don't expect to be first in my Ds's life , he has a wife and daughter , they come first .
what we MIL do want though is to be considered on a regular basis for visits and invites .
After nurturing a family for 30 odd years , we do not expect to thrown on the scrap heap , and this
is where the problems start .
Yes a man should be able to treat his mother with respect , even if he has a wife , why not ?

[lovelymimi]

I certainly don't expect to be first in my Ds's life , he has a wife and daughter , they come first .
what we MIL do want though is to be considered on a regular basis for visits and invites .
After nurturing a family for 30 odd years , we do not expect to thrown on the scrap heap , and this
is where the problems start .
Yes a man should be able to treat his mother with respect , even if he has a wife , why not ?

LL sorry if you've been "thrown on the scrap heap". No one should ever do that to their DM. If this is what you'r DS did does it affect how you feel about you're DIL??

[lancaster lady]

It's water under the bridge now , but when my GD was born that's how I felt .
I refused to let go , and now we are all in a happy place ...thank goodness .
It wasn't my DS it was my DIL who decided I didn't feature in their lives .
I wasn't prepared to give up a relationship with my GD , long story , but we got there eventually.

[Pooh]

I'm with LL and in no shape, form or fashion want my Son to consider me first before his wife.  I expected him to leave home and start his own life.  I wanted to be included in his life, not at the front of it.

That's why we don't generalize here.  Every story here is unique and we take each individual story on it's own merit, no matter if that's an MIL or DIL.  When you start making general statements, it creates an environment of condemning an entire group based on what some may do, which is where hurtful stereotypes come from, on both sides.

[Vasilisa]

About apologizing - I think now that you have more information you could apologize (if you really want to have her in your life) without being sucked back in.   I don't think one relationship should be contingent on another necessarily.  You could email pictures without getting together and those pictures would mean the world to your MIL, I imagine.

I really appreciate this suggestion. I wish I knew what would mean the world to her. I didn't go into a lot of detail in my backstory, but this is a pretty abnormal situation and the woman acts as if she has no feelings and no empathy. That's not just my opinion -- her other DIL (whose marriage she helped destroy, IMO) has also remarked on her apparent lack of emotion. Of course, she could just be really depressed. I certainly would be in her shoes -- emotionally abused as a child by her mother, mean-as-a-snake alcoholic husband (doesn't drink anymore, but still verbally abusive and shockingly selfish), two out of three children both living at home in their 30s because they can't function on their own. I feel sorry for her and am tempted to reach out to her, but no, I honestly don't want her in my life and neither does my DH. I would accept her in my life if he wanted her and she would treat me with respect.

When I say "respect", I'm talking about very basic things, like not badmouthing me to my husband, not confronting or punishing me every time her daughter gets mad at me, not punishing me because I told her that she couldn't come over on a particular day that she wanted to, actually looking at me and greeting me when she walks into my house, not butting in on my private visits with other people, not opening my mail without permission, that sort of thing. If she respected me in such matters, I'd probably be more tolerant of smaller things, like when I think she goes overboard on buying DD clothes and gifts. It's easier to shrug that off when you're dealing with someone who treats you like an intelligent adult human who has a right to normal boundaries.

I will think about sending pictures. I am still not over it enough to do that, but may in the future. Of course, they would have to be pictures of her son and the house and his projects, not just her GC, although GC is all she would really be interested in, judging from her behavior and comments.

Reading about some mothers having trouble letting go of their sons just makes me sad all over again. If the problem were only that MIL wanted to be number one in her son's life and thought I wasn't good enough for him! It would hurt and be annoying, but I could sort of understand it. She's criticized him a lot to me, but silly stuff, saying "He's not as good a cook as he thinks he is" or "He thinks he can do such and such, but he can't" or "He used to sneak out of the house at night when he was a teenager", but never anything that would account for such coldness. I'd rather have to deal with the fires of an overweaning affection than try to warm up a corpse.

Can any of the GMs here offer an explanation for why the heck you'd even be interested in a GC if you don't want anything to do with your own child who gave you that GC? I mean barring severe personality disturbances and criminal behavior.

[Pooh]

I will tell you that I don't get along with my DIL.  We are two very different people and if she wasn't my DIL, we wouldn't get along either.  Two totally different personalities that clash.   Now, I'm speculating here based on what I would do if my Son had remained in contact.  If my DIL didn't want to visit, that's ok, but I would have hoped my Son would have kept up our relationship.  If that had occurred, then yes, I would have wanted to be in the GC's life.    But since he has also chosen to not have anything to do with his family, then I have no expectation whatsoever that I will be part of the GC's life. 

I'm saying that to say I would understand a GP wanting to be part of a GC's life if one parent was willing, even if the other wasn't.  There would be alot of "if's" with that.  If the GP wouldn't ever talk badly about the other parent in front of the child.  If the other parent was willing to acknowledge that the GP may not be their cup of tea, but was good with the GC.  That would require two adults, agreeing to disagree but yet still showing mutual respect to one another.  But in my case, if that was happening already, then I wouldn't be on this forum.

I can't see if the parent chose not to be involved with their own child, how they would have such an expectation of being involved with the GC.

[Doe]

I don't know if my sons ever put me first - if anything, it was the reverse and that habit has taken years  for me to unlearn.

When I say a man can be a DH, Son, Father, and provide for a family at the same time, I don't mean to sit at Mom's dinner table every night.  That went by the wayside sometime in the teens.  I just mean that if he's big enough he can respect all his relationships. 

I mean, that's how Jamie Fraser in "The Outlander" series would do it, if his mom was alive.    A mom can dream, can't she?

[Pooh]

I agree Doe.  I think my DH is a wonderful husband, Son, Father, Brother, etc.  He plays all the roles very well.  I know I come first in his life, but he makes room for everyone else too.  I wouldn't have it any other way.  I like to think I'm a good wife, Mother, Daughter and Sister.  I make time for everyone too.  I don't think it has to be either/or.