Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies

[Pooh]

Ok, am I the only one here that has a problem that DIL is throwing herself out of moving vehicles and hitchhiking, with the baby, with strangers and the advice is that the GP's should not give kids toys?

Sorry, but I played with GI Joe (didn't make me join the militia), ate mud pies (had to be more harmful bacteria in that if you stuck it under a microscope), owned at least 5 water guns and cap guns (I haven't made America's most wanted yet) and every toy I had, had sharp edges and small parts. 

I know what you guys are saying and if there are specific wishes by the parents as to toys, then they should be followed.  But she said she didn't know or didn't hear them say anything about the toy beforehand.  I'm more concerned with that DIL is hitchhiking with the baby, with strangers and that is more concerning than any type of toy.  Forgive me, but I can't wrap around that DIL/DS is concerned with lead-based paint if placing baby in a dangerous situation with strangers isn't concerning them.

The best part of my grandparents, both sides, was knowing we would get ice-cream, candy and treats, and get to do things our parents wouldn't allow at home (jumping on the big feather bed).  They wouldn't have asked before doing so because that was the whole point.  Mom just shook her head and expected it and when she became the GM, did the same thing.

Stop the money train now.  They should be paying their own way.  It bothers me that you are funding most everything but yet she is still taking so many trips.  If they can afford her trips, they can afford the mortgage.

[Vasilisa]

Ok, am I the only one here that has a problem that DIL is throwing herself out of moving vehicles and hitchhiking, with the baby, with strangers and the advice is that the GP's should not give kids toys?

Sorry, but I played with GI Joe (didn't make me join the militia), ate mud pies (had to be more harmful bacteria in that if you stuck it under a microscope), owned at least 5 water guns and cap guns (I haven't made America's most wanted yet) and every toy I had, had sharp edges and small parts. 

I know what you guys are saying and if there are specific wishes by the parents as to toys, then they should be followed.  But she said she didn't know or didn't hear them say anything about the toy beforehand.  I'm more concerned with that DIL is hitchhiking with the baby, with strangers and that is more concerning than any type of toy.  Forgive me, but I can't wrap around that DIL/DS is concerned with lead-based paint if placing baby in a dangerous situation with strangers isn't concerning them.

The best part of my grandparents, both sides, was knowing we would get ice-cream, candy and treats, and get to do things our parents wouldn't allow at home (jumping on the big feather bed).  They wouldn't have asked before doing so because that was the whole point.  Mom just shook her head and expected it and when she became the GM, did the same thing.

Stop the money train now.  They should be paying their own way.  It bothers me that you are funding most everything but yet she is still taking so many trips.  If they can afford her trips, they can afford the mortgage.

We got off on a tangent about toys, which is a more common problem than hitchhiking, etc. Yeah, she probably isn't too worried about lead-based paint.

[forever spring]

A we'll be the weird, rural, occasional GPs. And you bet, I will check before I buy any kid anything. And I'll bet the ILs will do whatever they please.

Not weird at all. I'm beginning to wonder about our role as rural - in a wider sense -, and occasional GPs, Pen.
Most of us here with DS and the ensuing FOO/DIL problems are in a phase where GKs are small. We should not give up hope that in years to come the 'occasional GPs, -us! will come into our own and be very much cherished for the 'other' stuff we can give. We never know how times and values will change.
I for myself hope I'll still be around to be a significant person in GKs life, when they are ready for it. This doesn't mean that I want to compete with FOO GPs in the future, they'll always have their place.
I just feel it in my gut that I shouldn't be too sad at this point in time when my relationship with the GKs is on hold and jeopardised. There is a time for everything - and our time is still come!
Remember 'Everything's not lost!' (My favourite Coldplay song by the way.)
We must hold on to this hope!

[Pen]

Pooh, love the walk down memory lane. I was an outdoors girl, ran through the hills playing guns & mudpies, snuck into the reservoir, collected various rocks, plants & critters and put them in my pockets (laundry day must have been fun for mom) etc. etc. Still do, lol. I think that's what DIL is afraid of!

[Vasilisa]

Pooh, love the walk down memory lane. I was an outdoors girl, ran through the hills playing guns & mudpies, snuck into the reservoir, collected various rocks, plants & critters and put them in my pockets (laundry day must have been fun for mom) etc. etc. Still do, lol. I think that's what DIL is afraid of!

You sound like my mother's paternal grandma, and she was Mum's and my aunts' favorite! Hope DIL gets over it because the kids would have fun with you.

[Pooh]

Me too Pen.  I can't tell you how many times I stepped on glass or got a crawdad stuck on my toe playing in the creeks without shoes.  I guess as I get older, I will be known as "eccentric!"  Me and DH spend $10 two days ago on Nerf pistols.  It's been war in the house since!  He cheats though. 

[Pen]

Too cool! I'll have to get some to pull out the next time we're graced w/ a visit

[pam1]

Pooh, I'm inclined to agree with you.  In a DIL role I don't always understand the rules about buying for children, I was brought up to just say thank you and express appreciation for the gift.  As a parent this is what I have taught too.  I don't give rules for what to buy DD and frankly, being asked her likes/dislikes I start to wonder if the person even knows my DD well enough to buy her a gift.  I understand some people do that just to make sure but just simply put, it annoys me.

The rules and gift-giving have gotten out of hand, IMO.  I will say that if I know something, like the Mom won't let the kid play with Barbies, I won't buy a Barbie.  But if it was one massively long list of what can and can't be bought or a wish list, I'm likely to just give a gift card at that point. 

What used to be fun can start to be painful and that's when I stop.  With all that said, I did ask my in laws to limit the gifts or may be try experience gifts.  Because our house runs out of room and the time it takes to actually open all these gifts dominate the holidays and begins a competition with the other grandparents, who aren't willing to compete but are hurt just the same.  I also feel it is socially irresponsible to let a child grow up this way.  I won't make a rule list about what she can or can't have, if I find it to be so inappropriate, I'll take it away but I can't even think of a time I did that.

I think I'm reasonable about this and still wasn't respected.  I can't imagine the long lists of what junior can/can't have and how they go over with other people but to each their own.  And I'm sure those type of parents think they are being reasonable also.  I tend to think it's one of those things that if the negatives outweigh the positives, time to change some things up.

[Vasilisa]

Pam1, that is why I am in favor of gift cards. I've never known anyone who wasn't happy to get an Amazon gift card.

I understand what you're saying about being gracious and thanking people for the gifts without making lists of what they can and can't buy, but you have also pointed out problems that come even when you are open like that. I think it just isn't the same as it used to be when I was growing up (and maybe when you were, too). There were fewer toys, fewer outrageous and poorly made items, and most people weren't as extravagant. It would be nice if I as a parent didn't have to have strict rules about gifts and could just assume everyone would be reasonable, but I can't.

I've also noticed, however, that I get more annoyed with people for buying too much and getting inappropriate gifts if we don't have a good relationship to begin with. If I know someone cares about me and my child, gifting gone wrong is small potatoes.

[NewMama]

I think it's important to ask, but if someone gives us or DS something that we can't use/is inappropriate/he won't play with we don't make a big stink about it either. We still say thank you, try to say something positive about the gift and leave it at that. In my head I might be thinking "Great, ANOTHER teddy bear he won't play with that's going to sit on a shelf collecting dust" but I don't say that out loud. I just put it away, and in time they're all going in a bag to be donated.

I have been given gifts that clearly say "Choking Hazard. Not for children under 3" for my almost 12 month old son. If I say he can't play with that, I'm ungrateful. So you get stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have to store all this stuff he can't/won't play with or wear, but look like an uptight new mom if I say anything. The other thing is, I get asked "Where is the ____ that I bought him?" so I have to keep it. My MIL still goes on about the pacifiers she bought him 6 months ago that he won't take. A simple "Do you think it's a good idea to keep some pacifiers at my house for him?" could've given me the chance to say "He won't take them anymore, thanks but it's not necessary". Instead 6 months later I still get grilled about what I did to make him give them up - which was nothing, he found his fingers and likes them better - and bemoaning that she spent money on them. Did she learn anything? Nope. Still does the same thing.

[lancaster lady]

Well as I said before I always ask , for instance .....my DS is moving house , again , to one with a big garden for my Gd to
play in .
I am pleased because everything I bought for my GD for the garden eg. sandpit , paddling pool , bike etc resides in her other
GM's garden as their own garden is too small after moving previously .
So I thought as a treat I would buy her a playhouse and emailed a photo of one I had spied .
Oh no ...my DS said , there is no way I am placing that pink thing in my garden , it's too pink !
So imagine me sending it only for them to be horrified.
So I will settle on the one of their choosing , I don't really mind , as they have to see it everyday in the garden ......
wonder if they like purple ?   lol

[Vasilisa]

Gracious, isn't anything brown anymore? I am so sick of purple and pink and nearly everything for girls is!

(Although a playhouse in any color would be so much fun for a little girl ...)

[pam1]

NewMomma and Valisia, I understand what you're both saying.  I've been struggling with this one for years and finally did a little detaching.  Now I don't care so much if they think I'm ungrateful or what have you.  For me, the holidays and being with family are more important and I'm going to concentrate on that.  I've said my piece, I've made it clear, it's not respected....well, that's their choice. 

This is where etiquette columns come in really useful for me, I say the same thing over and over again when the grilling or questioning starts.  Usually a pat and no response needed answer.  "No room in the house" is a favorite of mine lol. 

[elsieshaye]

<snip> I have to store all this stuff <snip> "Where is the ____ that I bought him?" so I have to keep it.

Um, no.  No you don't have to keep it or store it. Once someone gives you a gift, it's yours to do with as you please, and if they try to say otherwise, they're being extremely rude.  Sorry, but "I have to" pushes a button with me.  It really means "I feel pressured to" or "I feel obligated to" or " I feel like a bad person if I don't."  It doesn't literally mean that I -HAVE- to do something, and I find for myself that phrasing things that way robs me of a chance to really examine why I feel the pressure and obligation and what's going on.  It's actually much more validating and strengthening to say to myself "I am choosing to keep this thing that I don't want because I don't want to be criticized / to be the bad guy / to make anyone mad."  If I identify why I'm really doing something, I may choose to keep doing it, but it allows me to maybe choose differently.

[pam1]

<snip> I have to store all this stuff <snip> "Where is the ____ that I bought him?" so I have to keep it.

Um, no.  No you don't have to keep it or store it. Once someone gives you a gift, it's yours to do with as you please, and if they try to say otherwise, they're being extremely rude.  Sorry, but "I have to" pushes a button with me.  It really means "I feel pressured to" or "I feel obligated to" or " I feel like a bad person if I don't."  It doesn't literally mean that I -HAVE- to do something, and I find for myself that phrasing things that way robs me of a chance to really examine why I feel the pressure and obligation and what's going on.  It's actually much more validating and strengthening to say to myself "I am choosing to keep this thing that I don't want because I don't want to be criticized / to be the bad guy / to make anyone mad."  If I identify why I'm really doing something, I may choose to keep doing it, but it allows me to maybe choose differently.

Good point, it's not rude to not store items or deal with gifts how you see fit.  I mean, barring ripping it to shreds or other obvious rude behavior.