Losing my son

[luise.volta]

Pen - My take is that being your own advocate is the strongest position you can take. Your dignity and your integrity are not in the hands of others. Once you get that, there may still be no way to change the present circumstances to fulfill your totally reasonable expectations...but you can get that others have the right to make their own choices and yes, concessions. We give our children training and freedom. What they do with that may break our hearts but if we just gave them training, they would be puppets. Some learn from faulty choices and some rationalize them away. It's their path...we just open the gate and let them go. They can hurt us because we care...but/and we can mitigate that hurt by caring for ourselves. We too were given training and freedom. Some of us question the training and have had to start over to some degree to restore or even establish values  we can stand by, that will stand by us...that's where our freedom lies. We can extend it out to the end of our lives...choosing instead of groveling. Growing instead of giving up. Expanding instead of contracting. Our lives are our business...we aren't puppets, either. Sending love...

[Rose799]

Pen - My take is that being your own advocate is the strongest position you can take. Your dignity and your integrity are not in the hands of others. Once you get that, there may still be no way to change the present circumstances to fulfill your totally reasonable expectations...but you can get that others have the right to make their own choices and yes, concessions. We give our children training and freedom. What they do with that may break our hearts but if we just gave them training, they would be puppets. Some learn from faulty choices and some rationalize them away. It's their path...we just open the gate and let them go. They can hurt us because we care...but/and we can mitigate that hurt by caring for ourselves. We too were given training and freedom. Some of us question the training and have had to start over to some degree to restore or even establish values  we can stand by, that will stand by us...that's where our freedom lies. We can extend it out to the end of our lives...choosing instead of groveling. Growing instead of giving up. Expanding instead of contracting. Our lives are our business...we aren't puppets, either. Sending love...

You couldn't have said this any better, Luise.  Thank you~

[Beth 2011]

NG,

I can identify with you on alot of the similarities regarding DIL as I am sure others here do too.  After coming to the realization with the help of Ms. Luise and others here on this site.... I realized I had to accept the unacceptable and move on away from the toxic dump as I now refer to my DS's and DIL's relationship because I was making myself and my FOO sick and I know they were sick and tired of hearing about it.  I have moved on and accepted the fact that we are like vinegar and oil.  We will never mix no matter how much we (my DH and I) have tried.  Wishing you peace.

[Pen]

Pen - My take is that being your own advocate is the strongest position you can take. Your dignity and your integrity are not in the hands of others. Once you get that, there may still be no way to change the present circumstances to fulfill your totally reasonable expectations...but you can get that others have the right to make their own choices and yes, concessions. We give our children training and freedom. What they do with that may break our hearts but if we just gave them training, they would be puppets. Some learn from faulty choices and some rationalize them away. It's their path...we just open the gate and let them go. They can hurt us because we care...but/and we can mitigate that hurt by caring for ourselves. We too were given training and freedom. Some of us question the training and have had to start over to some degree to restore or even establish values  we can stand by, that will stand by us...that's where our freedom lies. We can extend it out to the end of our lives...choosing instead of groveling. Growing instead of giving up. Expanding instead of contracting. Our lives are our business...we aren't puppets, either. Sending love...

Thanks, Luise. Choosing instead of groveling...& growing instead of giving up...yes!!

[luise.volta]

You are standing tall, Pen! sending love...

[artlady]

Pen and Luise  your words here are certainly uplifting for us all and oh so true to so many of us . I think what really gets us all in the low spots we have found ourselves in are those EXPECTATIONS we have in our minds that might not quiet fit for the ones we are so emotionally intertwined with .  I know that is one area counselors try to help with to get through situations. Have a good one

[Pooh]

"Cupcake"  ba ha ha...you crack me up KG!