any advice?

[Doe]

I'm curious - how will this play out when she dies and possibly leaves money to your children.  Will you also refuse that?   

My son and his wife have denied my access to my GC and so now I'm deciding do I penalize GC by not leaving money when I die?  She doesn't get any gifts that I would have given because my DIL got mad at me? 

I'd love to hear from other DILs about this - if you've cut off the MIL, should there be nothing in the will for the GKs?

[dilstress]

 Actually she has no money to leave and lives w her son..therefor I am positive she would leave nothng to us..yes it would be sad but there comes a time where she should think about her age and what could have been if she would just come to terms with accepting us and our boundaries. We would love nothng more than to hve kids knwgma but we tried and she burned us..fool me once shame on me fool we twice shame on u? Is tht the saying...she has always gotten her way by playing the guilt trip card and gettng wht she wants. We r very proytective of our kids and hve a great network of family and friends so if we hve a couple bad eggs tht will continue to be toxic then we choose not to hve them in our lives. No one wins here its sad but it is wht it is.

[Liz]

Dilstress...  We went to therapy over this.  Our counselor was great and fully supported me abandoning the relationship with inlaws.  My dh didn't want to cut his parents off... So he continues on with a very superficial relationship.  They live 2000 miles away... They talk about 4x a year.  I emailed inlaws and asked they not send me Christmas or birthday gifts.  They complied.  Only I received a trinket out of the blue a few months ago... It promptly was sent back.  Which really irritated them.  They send gifts to the kids on birthdays and Christmas.  They never spend more than $20... Most often their gifts are thoughtless.  Our kids are old enough to understand the conflict... And the fact that grandparents have issues.  So that was easy enough. 

For many years inlaws joked about behaving with respect towards them to "stay in the will".   They inherited 2 million dollars and have held it over our head for years.  When I decided to take a stand, I knew we would be disinherited.  I also knew my kids probably would be too.  The counselor called a private session with my dh to explore if he would be ok with that.  And thankfully dh doesn't care about their money.  I know I could never sell my soul for an inheritance.  They really changed for the worse when they inherited this money.  I don't even want it for my kids.  It would be divided among several relatives.... They can have it all.

[luise.volta]

Good for you!    Sending love...

[Doe]

Thanks, ladies - you've given me the strength to re-write my will leaving my son out of it.  I have a feeling that he and his wife feel the same way you do so it shouldn't be any big deal to them.

[pam1]

Doe, just to chime in with my thoughts.  I can't control what MIL/FIL do concerning their will, I'm not going to worry over it.  When and if the time comes and they leave money to my child, hopefully I will have taught her some good values concerning money.  That's about the extent I care to think of it. 

[Scoop]

Doe, I've been thinking about your dilemma.

I was raised with a clear and strong sense of fairness.  My Mom is almost fanatical in her fairness.  So the idea of disinheriting one child is really hard for me to wrap my head around.

I know at one point, my IL's had disinherited their DD, my SisIL.  I also know that if anything had happened to the IL's, I would have put GREAT pressure on my DH to share 50/50 with his sister.  It would have been a TERRIBLE legacy for my IL's to leave to their kids and could have caused fighting for generations.  Even then, I don't know if SIL would have accepted it, but then it would have been put aside for their kid's education.

So on one hand, for the sake of your kids getting along after you're gone, I think it should be fair.  And that the time, money and effort you 'spend' on the child you have a relationship with should be their "extra" inheritance.  And really, those memories and connections ARE more valuable.

But on the other had, I can understand not wanting to 'reward' a rotten person.

There are just too many scenarios, so to me:

- if one sibling takes care of the parents in their old age/infirmity, and the other doesn't help, then I think THAT sibling should get the lion's share of the inheritance

- if one sibling is disabled and 'needs' the inheritance more (I'm looking at you Pen), then any inheritance should be used to take care of them for the rest of their lives, and anything leftover can go to the other sibling.

- if you have enough to go around, I think a little something for the GK's would be a nice boost for their education / home.  And here, I would include ALL GK's, even the ones of the rotten kids, because to me, the GK's are blameless.

[constantmargaret]

My plan is to spend every last penny.  Nobody gets nuthin.

[Silver Spring]

I think the point of a will is to make sure your money is spent as you see fit. No one is really entitled to that money but you, therefore, it makes sense to me that a will be written with your best intentions and wishes in mind, if that means leaving people out, divying it up exactly to the penny evenly, donating it, or something else. There probably isn't a right or wrong in that regard.

You can't take it with you, so spending every last penny before the time comes isn't a bad way to do it either.

[pam1]

My plan is to spend every last penny.  Nobody gets nuthin.

I like that plan!

[artlady]

I've got a book i read "Die Broke" written by Michael J. Fox's father in law who is a big financial adviser. He says you give and do for your kids while you are living so therefore you leave them nothing when you die.  Also he states that if you have done your finances right that the check to the funeral home should bounce , there is no money any where else so the FH eats that check. If our economy continues to tank that is what may very well happen to many folks , unintentionally. I was wondering if your kids are doing OK if it is just better to leave it all to the gk's to be able to go to college, buy their first home or use to get started in whatever but by then i don't' know if my nest egg will be more than $2.50 so that will have to go a long ways.  lol

[Doe]

Oh, wow!  Thanks chiming in, everybody. DILstress, I don't want to hijack your thread if you still need to work things out so I'm fine if someone wants to move this one over.

I love love love the idea of spending every last penny but I am so frugal and can't wrap my mind around actually doing that.  Someday, maybe.

Scoop - I've been that fanatically fair mom that you mention up until now, except estranged son is in the lead with all the wedding contribution and new child $$ we sent his way. 

I never planned for one son to exclude me from his life, not even getting a pictures.  At one point, he told his brother that he had cut me off and didn't want him to share any of his life with me.    OK, well, I'll respect his wishes and not intrude into his life.   I think that leaving someone an inheritance is a kind of intrusion, albeit a good one.   

Listening to the DILs whose DHs want nothing to do with their moms has moved me out of a kind of denial ('maybe someday he'll want me back in his life again.') and helped me see that any gifts that I leave would probably not be welcome in the spirit that I would give them.

It's painful, though.  It's like walking by those big teddy bears at Costco and wanting to buy one for your GC but knowing that you can't. 

I'll check that book out, artlady - that sounds like a good starting place!

[Pen]

The gifts I've sent my DF & SM have been hidden away in dark recesses of their closet or returned to us in a box marked "junk." I learned early on that people who don't like you don't want stuff from you. They don't want to look at that stuff & have to think of you. I give DIL gift cards, and she seems to appreciate them. If she started returning them I'd stop giving them.

[Doe]

Yep, the last time I bought my DF a gift, he gave it to his new step-daughter.  And he even likes me enough! 

[Pen]

Doe, that is too much. What are these people thinking? I can't even deal w/the step-sib situation...too painful.