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detatched but resentful

Started by bettylou, April 20, 2010, 12:05:40 PM

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cremebrulee

Quote from: Sassy on April 21, 2010, 07:32:47 AM
When I am presented with terrible things I cannot control, I decide if worrying on it will make any difference to what others do, or what was done.  One day I realized I could be very upset about something or I could filter it out like ignoring as background noise and the outcome would still be the same.  The only result that would be different was if I had a terrible day or not.  And that difference was up to me.

fantastic post and good advice...thank you Sassy...

alohomora

 :o I cannot believe that DIL is so cruel to your daughter. How mean!!! Is she jealouse of the attention daughter get's or something why would an adult be cruel to someone so young.

I honestly hope that DIL grows up and with some time and distance her and your son will improve their behaviour when they are around her.

kathleen


"Is there some history here between her and your daughter you may not be aware of you think? It doesn't make any sense for her to be so angry at your daughter for no reason - maybe not a deserved reason, but to have no reason at all doesn't seem likely. Have you talked to your daughter to find out if there is something you don't know about?"


B Lou and Alohara:

It's very possible there is no "reason" why Betty Lou's daughter-in-law accused her daughter of stealing.

Since my son married his garden-variety sociopath, I have learned there are people who cause trouble and commit cruel acts
just to do it.  Just to see the reaction.  Just to set the boundaries straight and let you know who is in charge, and you definitely knew
she was, because you would never do something as horrible as she did.  Even if it was the truth, which of course it wasn't, the wedding reception was
not the place to bring this up, so you have to ask yourself what she is getting out of it.  Probably, just having fun, then sitting back and watching the reaction.  She doesn't think the way you do, about what is right or wrong and about other people and caring for them.  She's out for kicks.

Weddings these days are so tension-filled, so focused on materialistic expenditures and big production values, that I hope never to go to another one.
I experienced many slights both small and large at my son's wedding, which was designed to show us who was in charge and little else.  She was angry that we wouldn't contribute many thousands more to the extravaganza; $3,000 for a wedding dinner wasn't enough.  I have known parents who have given a great deal of money for these tasteless displays of excess just because they were afraid if they didn't, they would be cut off.  But the one-way street paved with gold for the gold diggers doesn't stop with the wedding; it just keeps going.  You cannot buy love from a cruel person.

So please keep this in mind, Betty Lou, that very often there is nothing that you have done or anyone else has done.  We don't cause other people's bad behavior.  If your daughter-in-law is one of those people who enjoys hurting just for the sake of it, she will never change.  Many posts on this list show that such women show one face before the wedding, but after their true personality comes out.  They are manipulators as a second career (or, in the worst cases, the primary vocation). 

I wish I had better news. 

Kathleen



Pen

Kathleen, we had a very similar situation. I don't want to believe it's a widespread phenomenon, but it happens often enough. We really felt taken advantage of and then rejected. DIL & her family planned something way out of our budget and then resented us for not paying more. We followed the generally accepted etiquette for what the groom's family is supposed to do (except I didn't "wear beige and shut up.")
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

luise.volta

Well, I think wearing beige is doable...but shut up?

Actually, when my beloved-to-this-day exDIL (read the poem I wrote about her in Poems) remarried I wore White!!!

I just figured if she could lie in her teeth and wear white, so could I! ;D ;D ;D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

That's hilarious, Luise. I wore off-white to my own wedding  :-[

I just couldn't wear some beige, frumpy MOTG dress and know those wedding photos would be around for years to come :)   As the Monty Python line goes, "I'm not dead yet!" Hey, beige is great if your coloring can handle it..mine doesn't.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

kathleen

AH HAH!!!!!!  I was supposed to wear beige to the wedding as the designated Mother-in-Law from Hell!!!  Well, ladies, I never understood this before I got your posts and thank you Luise for enlightening this very ignorant soul. The penny has dropped!

Months before the wedding I received an email from my DIL saying, "Would you go shopping with my mom and me this weekend for The Dress (my caps)?"  Oh, I was thrilled. A chance to help my daughter-in-law pick out her wedding dress, the one she would wear marrying my son?  What could be more thrilling?  I thought, "At last, a chance to bond!  What fun!" 

I have blocked out the rest, how I came to understand it was not HER dress we would be shopping for but MINE!!!!!  (I would not want to know what would have happened to me if I had suggested such a thing to my mother-in-law before I married my husband; probably I would today be underground without a headstone.   How we sometimes long for the good old days.)  SHE would pick MY DRESS?????? No way.  I declined.  I then met a lovely lady who was very admiring of my courage as she had given in to such a demand and bought, of course at great expense, a perfectly horrible deep pink ugly dress she could never wear again.

My DIL managed to demand that my other two sons go out and rent tuxes ($500 each) even tho they owned their own (one son is a classical musician.)  But she didn't get away with the dress thing with me.

I went to April Cornell, a fantastic store still in existence then, and bought a gorgeous navy blue ankle-length gown of silky Indian fabric (my favorite and some say the best in the world.)  My son told me, "You look fantastic."  But I realize now this was part of the early power-struggle my DIL created with me.  But I simply did not know that beige was the "right" color.  Thanks for letting me know!

Kathleen

Pen

Good on ya, Kathleen. If we're spending a fortune we should be able to wear this stuff again.

I ended up wearing knee-length rather than ankle-length, and a current, elegant & fashionable style rather than the frumpy dress I'd originally bought; I did get the go-ahead from DIL, so I never gave it a second thought, but her mom may have been miffed and that might have been the start of our troubles. All I know is that it was worth the $$$ to feel confident and unstressed; I was glad I didn't embarrass DS by looking frumpy. Sounds like your son approved of your choice as well, Kathleen.

When I got married it was heaps different! No bridezilla drama from me, just gratitude that my friends and family were willing to help and be present. We've been married a looooonnnnng time, so I guess it worked just fine :)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

luise.volta

Anna - There are so many reasons to get married that are a lot less substantial than being willing and able to start a family. I wasn't pregnant but I married a man I had known since I was three because that felt "safe." The marriage failed even though we tried for eighteen years to pump life into it.

In the 1940s virginity was overrated. It is now extinct for good reason.  ;D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

willingtohelp

It's funny everyone is talking about wearing beige.  That's the one color I didn't want my MIL to wear.  Where I'm from, it's a huge insult for the mother of the groom to copy the mother of the bride's dress.  According to protocol, the MOB goes and gets a dress and then calls the MOG and tells her what it looks like so the ladies don't wear the same outfit.  My MIL went and got almost the exact same gown.  Same maker and fabric in a slightly different cut.  I'd like to think she didn't know better but her mom (my GMIL, a lovely lady) actually apologized to me for MIL's dress.  I just don't understand why she went out of her way to hurt my mom and I's feelings.

luise.volta

When some one does something like that, it is my guess that everyone gets what she is made of...loud and clear.

I had a close call when my grandson was married, recently. I picked out an outfit that was perfect and then just couldn't make myself buy it. Seemed weird to me, but I followed my intuition and passed on it and wore something I already had because I couldn't find anything else I liked.

At the wedding, in walked my "ex" and his wife was wearing that exact outfit!  :o
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

allcriedout



Sassy, thank you for the quote below. I am putting it in my keeper box.  I have been reading some of your posts about what your MIL did. I cannot believe she showed up at your wedding in a black dress uninvited and with an exgf of your hubbys! Ugh!  I am still trying to catch up on your story to see where you are currently with the relationship with your MIL. You sound like a very loving, intelligent young lady. Thank you for your contribution here in this forum.


Quote from: Sassy on April 21, 2010, 07:32:47 AM
When I am presented with terrible things I cannot control, I decide if worrying on it will make any difference to what others do, or what was done.  One day I realized I could be very upset about something or I could filter it out like ignoring as background noise and the outcome would still be the same.  The only result that would be different was if I had a terrible day or not.  And that difference was up to me.

luise.volta

Me, too, Sassy. I look to see if focusing on the issue is going to make a difference or just tear me up .  Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

Clover, that's the tradition I was raised in as well.  I tried to follow that for my son's wedding.  For 3 months before the wedding I kept asking my FDIL if her mother had got her dress yet.  She kept saying, "No, she hasn't had time."    I explained to her that I wanted her Mother to choose her color, style, etc. that she wanted first before I chose something.  I didn't want to match her exactly but wanted to follow suit with what she chose.  Two weeks before the wedding, I finally told FDIL that I was going to go shopping for my dress, that I couldn't wait any longer and did she have any particular color or style that she wanted me to look for.  She said, "No, it doesn't matter to me."  So I found a beautiful navy blue, dressy, but no too dressy, classy dress.  I lucked up and got it on sale and it was one of the few times in my life that I put a dress on and went, "Wow, this is really flattering on me".  It was halfway down my calf in length, and had a long sleeve jacket. (They were having an outside October wedding and she had fall colors, so I didn't want to try to match her decorations). 

Her Mother showed up (I kid you not) in a black skirt with a zebra striped blouse with glittery rhinestones all over it.  My Ex-husband's new young wife showed up in a pantsuit which was actually very nice.  I had received compliments all day (like Anna) from people telling me I looked great and didn't look old enough to have a son marrying.  My DIL later told my son that I did that just to show her Mother and my Ex-husband's new young wife up. 

It was at that point that I realized that no matter what I did or how I had chosen a dress, it was going to be wrong.

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

luise.volta

Yup...when you are judged even before you decide...there's no pleasing anyone. i think we should all have worn clown outfits!  8)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama