Would it be easier?

[justus]

As I was reading through some previous posts, many of the complaints were that the DIL's FOO had more time, or got to see a first, or seemed to be more important, etc....

My question is, would your current level of communication, access, whatever with your child be acceptable if there wasn't anything to compare it to?

[Pen]

Good question, Justus. The term "complaints" bothers me a little, but I guess complaining is how it comes across sometimes.

Anyway, to answer your question, no - my current level of communication/access would not be acceptable even if DIL's FOO wasn't in the picture as a comparison. I miss DS, but it's tolerable most days. The knife through the heart occurs when the comparison w/ILs is unavoidable.

[Doe]

It's taken me some time to arrive, but my current level of communication with my DS is about right since his communication only annoys me these days.Communication with DIL has been nil for many months and I love that - no more jumping through her complicated hoops of what is acceptable or not.  I think I would have loved more communication from the GC but I only met her once as a newborn so I'm more in love the idea of communication with her - the idea of how it could have been.

My feeling these days is that the DILs FOO can have my share!

[Ruth]

I'm really struggling to get my head around this question, Justus, because you are a lot smarter than I am!  and I have to be spoon fed with a bib these days it seems, but I'd like to address it.  My DS's behavior.  I pretty much feel I have nothing to compare it to.  When the very distressing behavior has a clinical name (SPD) then you are really in the dark, as you don't know where the lines of personal responsibility lie vs. common human decency.  I've been asking this question in some form or other for the past 30 years, because that was when it really manifested itself and began its long path weaving so much pain and anguish and self reproach throughout my life.  I thought reading and studying would help me understand, and it did at first just seeing the characteristics, but its seems like its now just forming a web around me of preoccupation and questions that can't be answered.  I've never thought that either of my d/c interacted with me in a way I thought was ...well acceptable doesn't seem the appropriate word, I guess it has been acceptable in not having any other choice rather than estrangement, unproductive confrontation, neither of which can I come to terms with.

[lancaster lady]

My answer too would be no .
Even though there wasn't another family in the frame , I would still ' complain' if I wasn't getting to
see my Gd on a regular basis .
If there was no Gd on the scene , I wouldn't mind nearly as much .
I only see my older DS maybe twice a year , and my DD more perhaps , especially as she has moved in
temporarily whilst  relocating her place of employment .
With a GC , you miss so much as they grow so fast and are doing different things each and every day.
Also I would hate my GD to look at me and wonder who I was .

[justus]

Thanks for your honesty everyone.

The reason I asked is because how much access you have compared to the "other" family seems moot to me, yet it seems to be such a sticking point. First off, You can't do anything about it, so why worry about it? I have always been of the opinion that the more adults who know and love a child, the better for them even if some of those people are from the "other" family. AND, you don't know for sure how much time is actually spent with the "other" family or how much of that time is quality time, so why let it bother you? True, some of you do know that more time is spent with them than with you, but it isn't some sort of contest. No one should be keeping score, because that only builds up resentment that colors what time you do have with them. The world isn't going to end if you don't get the time you want with the child and more time is not a guarantee of a close relationship with the child.

So, the comparison perplexes me. I could have fallen into this jealousy/comparison trap with every one of my children. I sometimes stepped in it, but what has served me better has been to keep my eye on where the real problem lies and that is in my relationship with my child. I have no right to dictate to them or expect them to make me first for the rest of their lives. That just sets us all up for disappointment and contention. Believe me, I have had to let a lot of stuff go, and I think I have a pretty good relationship with all of my kids now, because I was able to let it go. Its hard work letting the resentment and expectations go, but it is worth it.

From the perspective of a child of a possessive and jealous mother, if this is a sticking point for you, let it go. Her jealousy kept me from being close to some wonderful people and I resent her for that. When I grew a spine, it was one of the things that drove me away from her. There were parts of my life she had no clue about and never will. She had such a fear that she would be replaced in my heart by someone else that she made me feel guilty every time I began to get close to anyone but her. Even if she didn't complain to me, I knew how she felt and paid dearly if I didn't act accordingly.

I know that my M is extreme, but I hope you all learn from her, as some of you already have. It is sad to see some of the things she has actually said written here almost word for word. Please take my warning seriously. I very much wish my M could have gotten past her insecurities. I wish we were still close, but I couldn't be close to her and be married. I couldn't be close to her and be an adult. Most of all, I wish she would have been able to accept that my life is all about me and my choices are all mine. She can neither take credit nor be blamed for them. One of the biggest parts of being a parent is letting go.

[Pen]

Justus, I don't know about other MILs but I do not dictate, demand, whine, express jealousy or in any way try to guilt my DS into spending more time w/me than he likes. When he moved out for college and then got married, my position was to back off and let him be a grown up man.

DS spends more time w/ the ILs because they & DIL demand it. I get less time because I don't push. DS knows nothing of my sad feelings.

[lancaster lady]

I for one appreciate that my kids have their own lives to lead which they do quite successfully and independently . What most mothers want is to be able to share with them some of these wonderful times . How sad life would be when at 18 our offspring left home never to be seen again . We hope they love and respect us enough to want to spend time with us , and we know if we demand any of this it will make them resent us and push them away . Striking that bal ance depends on the individual personalities . Reverse the roles, and you get needy children , staying at home until they are in their 30 's . You don't get many parents resenting their kids because they need them .  Unconditional love is hard to fulfill , but very fulfilling when it works .

[Pooh]

I am going to answer the entire thing honestly.  No, the levels would not be acceptable.  I will take it a step further for you.  If my OS wasn't married and was single, I would still be hurt over not hearing from him in over a year. 

The second point is what Pen and LL both said.  You are talking to women here that aren't demanding or making it a contest.  I have not read one story on here from MILs that say they want to be "first" in their children's lives.  I have read story after story where they want to be "included" in their children's lives.  I wouldn't care if my OS went 7 days a week with his in-laws if he showed up once every 3-4 months for a family event on our side.  Again, take the DIL out of it and I would feel the same.  If he was spending 7 days a week with his best friend and couldn't show up for one family event, every once in a while, then I would still be hurt by his actions. 

What your Mother did to you was horrible, but please don't judge the rest of us based on her actions.