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I need a pep talk

Started by constantmargaret, April 11, 2012, 05:20:22 PM

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constantmargaret

Hi Ladies, Well, I did attend the concert as you know, and sent DS a simple note in the mail saying I enjoyed the concert, he looked well, played well, missed him love mom.

I got another private message via FB which was very nasty saying don't try to talk to me again you're horrible.....   That's the g rated version. Oh yes, and don't come to my graduation, you don't deserve to.

So I am feeling very shaky now. Nothing has really changed, but now I'm wondering if it's time to let him know his family history or just walk away. I really don't have anything to lose and at least if he knows why his father had to pay alimony (ten year affair he doesn't know about) he can someday understand and grow a heart.

My husband is ready to take a flame thrower to my xh. He's already writing a letter, as I doubt my DS will open something from me.

Anyhow, with this and my older DD acting like a flake, I'm getting so ready to run away. Or ride away as the case may be. I can't see myself attending GS's birthday, FDIL's shower, other DS's wedding or any of those events where my XH and hostile DS will be. But feel if I don't go to protect myself, and to avoid the general awkwardness, XH wins, and everyone else in my life who Doesn't hate me and I all lose. Do we just have to suck it up and make our obligatory appearance and slip out at the earliest opportunity? How far does this mother duty thing go? I don't know if I should let my older son know how I'm feeling about attending his wedding. What should be a fun and joyful event is now hanging over me like a thunderhead.

So exhausting. I'm not at the point yet where I feel I've done everything I can, but when I am and I've sent all the letters and drawn all my boundaries, I will feel better about whatever goes down. I'm LYING!!!!! I will still be miserable and feel gutted.

My oldest DD is aware of how her baby brother is acting. She is being very supportive. My husband is amazing. You ladies are awesome. I am fortunate. My life is mostly wonderful.

Do I sound crazy? I feel it.

???


luise.volta

My take: Whatever you might present will be discounted and make you look worse because that's the master plan. You aren't going to be given a chance. I would enjoy what'sbeautiful in life, quit Facebook and be there for him if anything every changes. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

constantmargaret

Thanks Luise, I actually feel better already. Could it be I'm getting stronger?

You're probably right about having whatever I say discounted. I don't know why a 17 year old kid would be so rabidly irate about how much support his father had to pay for 5 kids. It's like he's in a cult and I'm the enemy. I wonder if those online war games contribute to his murderous anger toward me.

Only in real life you can't cut your mother down with a machine gun and have her get up and start running when you want to play again.

I'm going to watch Pirates of the Carribean now and stop thinking about it for tonight.

Keys Girl

In these kinds of situations

Plan A - You'll be the scapegoat
Plan B - You'll still be the scapegoat.

I read a book a long time ago called "Always change a losing game"..........I think there is a significant piece of Stockholm Syndrome going on with these male sons........they seem to always side with their abuse, hateful and neglectful fathers, which doesn't make sense but that's the only conclusion I can come to having done a lot of reading.  I will buy champagne for everyone and anyone on the day that my ex dies.  My son may mourn him or never be able to able to finish those emotional battles with him, but at least he'll be 6 feet under where he can't make anyone's life miserable anymore.

I figure if I'm going to be blamed and scorned anyway, I might as well save the money and spending it on things that I want and places that I want to go and do exactly as I please.  The result will be the same, I'll be blamed anyway.

If I every see my son again, I'll we wearing a t-shirt that says, "Yes, blame me, I started WWII, the Korean Way and throw in the Black Plague for good measure, I'm all powerful and I'm responsible for all the misery on the planet in the last 500 years, so get the black crown ready, 'cause I'm wearing it! and I "deserved" it!"

Your son IS in a cult, read up on Stockholme Syndrome, underneath all that anger lies great fear (of your ex and mine), but it's probably as deep as the Titanic, quite sad to say.

How fortunate you are to have a wonderful husband, make sure the two leave the crazy making behind, delete your Facebook age and come back later with an alias and don't tell family members about it or show your city, but have some fun with your husband and focus on something positive.

KG
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

Ruth

well, now I'm really upset Margaret.  I may have given you bad advice after all.  This f/b terrorist attack on you....I'm so sorry.  DS is being used as fodder for his father's deplorable self gratifying revenge, and his father is making advance reservations for himself in the netherworld, imo.  My g/s are also mixed up in something similar to this, except my DD had the affair and brought on the divorce.  SIL could have made the choice to tell the boys this and turned them against DD.  I've often wondered that he did not, it would have been stellar and highly effective ammunition.  But as this didn't happen, the boys have not sided up with either parent, and I know that this isn't the norm.  My DS also turned on me, and you know the history, many many years of the most insulting and painful treatment.  I do agree with Keys G, I would sever myself from f/b and never leave that flank open again for a frontal attack.  Next, I think I would write him a hard copy letter, and tell him how those words made you feel, and that you will honor his wishes and appear at no more of the milestones in his life, provided you think you can handle that.  Each of us have differing thresholds of pain that we're able to tolerate.  You are strong, and you have the truth fortunately on your side, and a very supportive DH, in addition to DD and the rest of the family.  I think this may be enough support to help you take the stand you need until this DS gets enough tough love to take off his blinders, and see the DM who has always loved him and who deserved much better.

somom

Dear CM,  After reading your last posts a veil of sadness came over me as it reminded me of my daughter's harsh, nasty FB posts and emails.  I was back there in that feeling and feeling for you.  It is so unbelievable that a mother's child could be so very hateful to someone that dedicated their own life to someone else.   I do believe that writing a letter explaining the hard truths about why the divorce happened and why his father paid child support would be the right thing to do.  I would also tell him how judges across the country have Dads pay a portion of their income to Mothers that raise the children in their home.  And I would go a step further and tell him maybe his Dad is griping about the payments because he did not want to support his son financially.  I would also include in the letter your own personal boundaries as how much disrespect you will not take anymore.  I wrote a letter like that to my daughter and then called her and read it to her.  It seemed to help her see where I stand and has opened up some good communication between us.  Things are still not good, but I do feel much better about the situation knowing I did what I could and laid down some boundaries.  I must tell you I will never trust her ever again, which is just the way the situation is.  It is now time to protect yourself and guard your precious status of being a mother even if no one else ever does.  Only you were there in the middle of the night and only you know why.  Honor that.

Ruth

After rereading your first post here on this site, Margaret, I would like you to copy and paste it onto a letter, and mail it to your rotten son.  You are a victim, outright, end of story.  Enjoy the rest of your family and all the upcoming events and you may always hold your head up high.  Justice will come at some point, it always does.

constantmargaret

Thank you everyone.

Keys Girl, I needed to hear that. I will read up on Stockholm Syndrome. I have never done anything to this son to deserve this. It's just so weird and over the top. He feels he is his father's avenger for some reason. Somehow his father has become the victim and I have become Lord Voldemort. I am very surprised this kid has been so completely brainwashed, but then again, I believed my XH's lies for 10 years. I understand totally how you feel about your XH. I'll have some of that champagne.

Ruth, you didn't give bad advice. I did what I planned to do and it went sour. You are very supportive and thoughtful to one and all here. Nobody here knows how to handle their kooky family. My son is rotten. I'm trying to come to grips with that. His father is more than rotten, he's a sociopath. So I guess I shouldn't be shocked if one of my children takes after his father. Still a hard pill to swallow. My DH and I are convinced that we really came from another planet and are here by some unfortunate cosmic accident. People seem so strange here.

Somom, I do have a letter written to give him the history, but I think right now he would just either not read it and throw it away, or it would be like pouring gasoline on the fire of his rage. He is not open to it even a tiny little crack. He would never allow me to read anything to him at this point.  (Part of me wants to get someone to post it on his Facebook Wall.)   8)  I have given a copy of it to my eldest DD to give him someday if it seems he has stopped foaming at the mouth and can handle it, but till then I am not bullet proof and I'm frankly a little bit frightened of this huge kid's fury at me. Best to let sleeping dogs lie for now, I'm thinking.

Right now those two "men" deserve each other's company. Leave me in peace.


nikncon

Great attitude"" You and DH just enjoy life.

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Pooh

I would say if writing it all out and sending it to him, make YOU feel better, then do it.  You would have to do it with no expectation whatsoever that it is going to help.  I think it will take many more years of maturity before he understands it, if ever.  He may think he knows about alimony and such, but he doesn't and at 17 shouldn't understand all the details.  I'm with KG, it will not matter to him at this point.  I say write it, seal it and then burn it, if it helps you.

I promise, we have tried for months to get through to SD and it didn't happen, because she doesn't get it and doesn't want to get it.  If she gets it, she would have to admit her errors and that is not happening because in her world, she makes no errors, it's our fault, the world's fault...anybody but her. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

constantmargaret

Pooh, you're right. I think that's why he's so fixated on never hearing from me again. He's terrified of what he'll hear. Then he'll have to maybe god forbid apologize and deal with the truth about his father.

I think the only thing that can help him now is real life growing him up. 


Pooh

That's my hope for SD too.  At some point I reached "stop justifying" everything.  I can't tell you how or when, but it finally hit me with her, the more we tried to explain or justify why we were doing, or why we did something, the more she argued how wrongly she was being treated.  You owe him no explanation on what his Father did. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell