I need a pep talk

[Pooh]

And don't forget, it would probably be in HER best interest to go ahead and make other living arrangements since you are selling the house, getting the bikes and leaving....just thinking of HER well-being....   

[constantmargaret]

I'm thinking Independence Day. What do you think? Time enough to graduate and get a job somewhere far far away.

She just came home, grabbed some stuff and told me she would be staying the  night at her brother's house. She's probably going to give one of her award winning performances where she'll end up with new living arrangements, and my son will think it was all his idea. Plus he'll probably buy into her version of what happened and jump on the let's hate mom wagon.

Oddly enough, nobody ever seems very interested in my version.  Why is that?

And can anyone give me the secret to caring less?

[Ruth]

And can anyone give me the secret to caring less?

Well, as I've gotten older and taken so much battering from life, most of the peripheral stuff has lost its power to hurt me any more.  But the transverse is true as far as 'caring' for them, the love in its real purest form grows and grows and sometimes I wonder if it will ever reach its limit, but I don't think so.  This is the sticking point about life.   

[Doe]

And can anyone give me the secret to caring less?

Maybe it's not caring less but creating more in your life otherwise so that the family situation moves into the background?  For me, I liken it to watching TV - if it's a bad show and I keep watching every day, my bad.  I need to get up off the couch and do something else, or at least change the channel. 

Maybe let your 'mom' role recede and let your 'wife' role have a little fun? 

[luise.volta]

I never got to caring less when my eldest son was alive but I learned to focus elsewhere. I think it's true the what we focus on expands. Sending love...

[constantmargaret]

The things I read here do truly help me daily.

I am not going to stop caring, but I'm going to stop paying so much attention to this girl. I'm going to focus on painting my house so I can sell it. I'm going to focus on my business. And Doe, I'm going to focus on my husband. Let's see what effect that has, not only on the DD, but on me, my well being, and my marriage.

[forever spring]

Caring less is just not possible and we wouldn't be who we are if we did.

But re-focusing is a good move. And when there is still a DH around, that's even better. I'm sure he'll love being fussed over after years of taking second place after the children.

I read somewhere that parents are only as happy as their most unhappy child, there is truth in that.

Why do youngsters 'hate mum' or MIL or in fact many adults who don't agree with what they want - I'm not sure but from my own experience I can say that I wasn't a good daughter either. My father was born in Germany in 1892. I was his first child. He was 58 when I was born. As a young child I must have been the apple of his eyes. When I was a teenager with an old father, I was inconsiderate of his needs - just a normal teenager really but under the circumstances it wasn't good for him. I just took him for granted.  He died aged 76.
Now in my 60's I realise what he had gone through in his life, two World Wars, the horrible 12 years of the fascist regime, the post war years with famine and poverty etc. If I could have my time over I would be different and very very kind to him always. This is an extreme example because of the historical situation but I think some children are thoughtless when it comes to us because they don't have the experience of life and think they know it all. Later, when they are older, they will change and see the error of their ways as I have done. We can only hope that we will be around then to hear their apologies and forgive.

Have a good day everyone in the virtual family. 

[constantmargaret]

Thank you for that. I wasn't the greatest daughter either when I was younger. Certainly not the worst, but I'm sure I hurt their feelings at times. I guess the only difference is that I wouldn't have dared to say the things my kids have said to me to my parents.

I did once say to my mother I never wanted to be like her. Now I could cut my tongue out for saying that. Now I wish I were more like her. My screen name is for her.

My plan is to wait till my kids are 30 before I consider them fully baked. Till then they're still kind of doughy in the middle. My 30 and 28 year olds are great people, and also now parents themselves. They have both told me they are sorry they were so awful to me growing up, and that does help. I can focus on these 2 while the other 4 go through their ugly transformations. (just like I did, I guess)

[Ruth]

Margaret, I fear you may have to wait past 30.  My a/c are both in 30's and have not yet left childhood behind (one at least that I know of, the other is a closed book).  When I was in my 30's and suffering for them, I always pictured this decade of my life as being satisfying, fulfilling, sharing my love and thoughts with my a/c as peers now and no longer as children, but that has not been the case.  So I just continue to go forward, and allow them to run their own courses.

[Ruth]

Caring less is just not possible and we wouldn't be who we are if we did.



Why do youngsters 'hate mum' or MIL or in fact many adults who don't agree with what they want - I'm not sure but from my own experience I can say that I wasn't a good daughter either. My father was born in Germany in 1892. I was his first child. He was 58 when I was born. As a young child I must have been the apple of his eyes. When I was a teenager with an old father, I was inconsiderate of his needs - just a normal teenager really but under the circumstances it wasn't good for him. I just took him for granted.  He died aged 76.
Now in my 60's I realise what he had gone through in his life, two World Wars, the horrible 12 years of the fascist regime, the post war years with famine and poverty etc. If I could have my time over I would be different and very very kind to him always. This is an extreme example because of the historical situation but I think some children are thoughtless when it comes to us because they don't have the experience of life and think they know it all. Later, when they are older, they will change and see the error of their ways as I have done. We can only hope that we will be around then to hear their apologies and forgive.

Have a good day everyone in the virtual family. 

This was a very touching letter for me.  I believe you have allowed all your life experiences to enrich your capacity to love and your insight and compassion to come into its fullest flower, Forever Spring, it seems you have chosen the most appropriate name for yourself that I can imagine!  This depth of insight and understanding comes at a very high price, does it not?  I believe the end of the story has not been written, and there will yet come a day that you will express to your DF in just such loving terms as these, how much his life and influence has  meant to you, and all it taught you, and I also expect that even now he is aware of these things.  This morning I woke up thinking about something Luise said yesterday, about whatever we focus on grows.  Its so easy to allow our minds to run their natural course, and just ruminate on injustices we've suffered, and relationships we want fixed right now so we can feel better, and feel like our lives are in good order.  You shared something for me to reach for, in setting my sights above that today.  You're a good girl!

[Keys Girl]

And can anyone give me the secret to caring less?

Margaret, I now think of our capacity for care like a big jug.  Suppose there are 100 oz., and beforehand, especially when he was young, my son's care and working to make sure we had a roof over our head and food on the table took 99 oz., there was 1 oz left for me.  I still had a lot of oz. for my son as he got older, but now with the hostilities the last couple of years and especially the blood pressure problems, I'm keeping just about all the oz. for myself, the get myself into the best physical shape I can at this point and to work on ways of living my life that keep me happy and fulfilled.

Someone once told me that teenagers are predators, they suck the will to live out of the family and then in their 20's they morph into a decent human being.........that was a while back, I would move the age up to 40 for this generation.
 

[Ruth]

And can anyone give me the secret to caring less?

Someone once told me that teenagers are predators, they suck the will to live out of the family and then in their 20's they morph into a decent human being.........that was a while back, I would move the age up to 40 for this generation.

Thank you Keys Girl.  And it also reminds me of Pooh's spoon story. 

[constantmargaret]

My husband prefers the word parasite. 

Well, if I have to wait till my kids reach the age of 40, I'm not going to grow moss in the meantime. I'm going to enjoy my freedom. Let them catch me!

[artlady]

I think we never stop caring but it seems some of us are just so deep into caring while i know others folks not on here that seem to be able to let it go and not let it bother them. I just wish for us here that we all had more of that but from all the posts I've read we all are so caring but I'd rather care deeply and be who I am .  If I understand it right then you have 6 ac, that is great and so you can see how different they all are . I too am trying to refocus as all have said to do here and I' do get things done but this poor old brain that has the two little peas running around up there still goes back to thinking about my dd, new gs and sil more than i should i guess , so when i do that i sit at the computer , type it out to all of you so then i feel so much better . Waiting to hear all the new adventures you do to refocus you need to share . hugs

[forever spring]

I refocus by writing and researching my family history. I'm retired now and have no access to my GKs - so lots of time on my hand. I'm using this time to write the history - if it becomes a world best seller you'll be the first to know, dear WW  Here is hoping!
But seriously it will give my GKs something to cherish when they are older and also my DSs may benefit from it.
However, thinking about them is constantly in my mind and will not go away. It just plain hurts and I suppose we all have to go with the flow and wait for it to cease or become easier with time.
I'm also surrounded by happy GPs now - all my friends are so harmonious, see the GK regularly etc. It is a real test of my generosity of spirit to be happy for them. I am of course happy for them. I don't think I'm that mean, but occasionally the green eyed monster raises its head - well we talked about that on this forum before.
Still there is hope and meanwhile - a trip down memory lane and empathy with what my parents and their families had to go through helps a lot.

We can only wait till our AC lives get sorted and then be there for them - hope we'll be around when they come back on board.