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I need a pep talk

Started by constantmargaret, April 11, 2012, 05:20:22 pm

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Pen

CM, it sounds as if DD got the message though. Sorry to hear your enjoyment of the concert was marred by the argument, but it's good that DD finally honored her commitment to you. Moms seem to take the brunt of it all sometimes; and they used to call us "the weaker sex." Ha!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Ruth

Margaret, this puts me in mind of old Apollyon straddling the path of poor Christian's pilgrimage to the celestial City.  We never win any of these important battles without bloodshed.  We're naive to think that we can take the land back without a bloody battle.  Nevertheless, you won this one, albeit you were wounded in the process.  The wound will heal, it is only superficial and you will proceed to the next big one.  Keep your eyes on the goal, Margaret.  Ignore these skirmishes.  I have a similar one of these (DD) as you.  I've already walked that annoying path as  many of us here have.  You're always on clean up duty and its a thankless job.  As I say often, its just a waiting game, but I'm so proud of you Margaret.  You did the right thing and you should be proud of yourself.

constantmargaret

 Thanks everyone.

I swear you care about my feelings more than my own self centered daughter.

I have received more empathy from virtual strangers than my family. How sad is that?

Sad and yet miraculous.

Well, I have dd's dental graduation, ds's high school graduation, FDIL's wedding shower and DS's wedding to get through, I'll probably be back with more stomach churning drama.

Sometimes I can't believe this is my life. On a brighter note, our touring bikes are being shipped as we speak. I really cannot wait to sell this house and leave this town in the rearview mirror. California here I come. Thanks again WW.

Pen

CM, how wonderful that you have  a prize at the end of all the stressful events. Touring bikes sound like a great way to forget all the other stuff. Good for you!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Keys Girl

I would send your DD to live with her father.  A "sort of a user" pulls a stunt that she knows will upset you at the last minute and then starts yelling at you.......I would let her go use someone else and never ever ask her for moral support again.  She didn't just drop the ball, she threw a grenade at you.....and then inferred that you didn't react well to the grenade.

I would get her packing and ship her somewhere, anywhere, and get the grenades out of my house.

KG
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

constantmargaret

KG, No argument from me.

She hasn't shown her face here since that episode. Just texts. She must be off using her brother for room and board.  >:(I have not cooled off, which I thought I might. I said something to my husband this morning that was almost word for word what you posted.

It also unfortunately has the "straw that broke the camel's back" effect. Now I'm remembering all the times she used me in the past and I'm seething and ready to pack up her belongings and set them out on the front lawn.

You don't have to worry about me ever asking her for moral support again. I'd rather have root canals on all my teeth in the same day.

Ruth

Quote from: Keys Girl on April 15, 2012, 08:04:27 am
I would send your DD to live with her father.  A "sort of a user" pulls a stunt that she knows will upset you at the last minute and then starts yelling at you.......I would let her go use someone else and never ever ask her for moral support again.  She didn't just drop the ball, she threw a grenade at you.....and then inferred that you didn't react well to the grenade.

I would get her packing and ship her somewhere, anywhere, and get the grenades out of my house.

KG


I find this kind of attack the most insidious of all.  Not only does it serve to deflect the blame from its own guilty self, it takes the nastiness a step further by reducing the target to self doubt and if at all possible, a guilty conscience, hence putting itself back into the drivers seat.  I know we can't always oust these individuals from our lives, we often have to live with them, work for them, etc., but the less fragile we are the more we are able to throw the ball back into their court.  The hard thing is to respond without rage, because then 'they' have hit their target.

constantmargaret

Ruth it sounds like you know my children.

Today my self doubt turned to full blown paranoia. It's a conspiracy! They are all on their father's payroll, trying to make me crack!

I'm lucky I have a husband to pull me back from the edge, and women like y'all here who remind me I'm not crazy, it just seems that way sometimes.

I don't know what I dread more, a confrontation, or her breezing in here acting like nothing happened.

Ruth

I know that pain.  Some days are really really hard.  Some days you just have to hold on and wait for the next one.  In my experience, it requires stamina.  The problem isn't going away today and many days I just have to be able to tolerate pain and live some quality of life along side of it.  I try to just cherish the victories, and be a realist in knowing that I'm living in a world that more often than not isn't kind, isn't fair, isn't unselfish.  Even the Lord said, 'these kind go out only by prayer and fasting'.  Stay strong, Margaret.

constantmargaret

Lol Ruth, wasn't that verse referring to demons?

Sometimes I wonder about that, given their father....

Ruth


Keys Girl

You are right, Ruth, these kinds of attacks are like torpedos coming at you beneath a calm sea, sadly one of my dearest friends married one of these passive aggressive types and he has spread around more hostility towards her children, family and friends that I've felt like taking a baseball bat to him and taking out his knees.  It's a good think the Hitler Youth wasn't around when he was growing up, he would have been a leading candidate for SS school.  I worked with an individual who was unspeakably cruel (I worried the other person might commit suicide) but always covered it up so everyone else thought he was a "good guy".  I did a lot of reading on passive aggressive individuals and (my son is one) one conclusion from a number of sources was "get away from them", that you can never "win" when dealing with them, that they will twist everything and anything to insist that you are the "bad guy".  I've found that if you shut them out of your life, they contact people who can convey their "Can't we still be friends again" message.  These people don't like to be ignored, you have the power to say "No" to them and they like having the power to shower everyone with their hostility, get everyone upset, and then look for sympathy when people react to their provocation.  You are right, you can't shut all these people out of your life, but you can ignore them as much as possible, put up huge barriers to make it more difficult  for them to reach you (don't return phone messages, texts, emails, etc.)  I think the only possibility is to try to make those people jump through a hoop to speak to you, and not jump through theirs when they treat you with all the courtesy of a boa constrictor.  I'm moving the few people like this in my life from Facebook to Google + so I can put them in a circle and shut them out.  I'm using the phrase "I'm migrating a few special people from Facebook to Google +, would you like to be one of those people?"no matter what they say.......I'll delete them from Facebook, ignore them on Google + and not have to delete them totally because then they would then go ballistic.

So my motto is: "Dump the drek, and dump the doubt" with the simple response "Nonsense" when anyone starts throwing their blame-shifting around. I also recommend using technology......get a hearing aid, even if you don't need one and take it out and "forget it" on the coffee table.  It's not your fault if you can't hear them, the batteries aren't working, my mother-in-law used to do that when she got older and didn't like the conversation.

They are a nasty bunch, no doubt about it and it's incredibly hard to deal with the fact that one of your children might be one of these saboteurs and yes, it's incredibly difficult to prevent the rage but that's what they want, the ability to provoke a negative response from you (more than well deserved, of course) that will allow them to plead for sympathy and play the "Poor Me" role.

PS. ConstantMargaret, yup they are on their father's payroll, forget about cracking, you aren't, just get a few eggs and make an omelette.

Quote from: Ruth on April 16, 2012, 06:58:20 am
Quote from: Keys Girl on April 15, 2012, 08:04:27 am
I would send your DD to live with her father.  A "sort of a user" pulls a stunt that she knows will upset you at the last minute and then starts yelling at you.......I would let her go use someone else and never ever ask her for moral support again.  She didn't just drop the ball, she threw a grenade at you.....and then inferred that you didn't react well to the grenade.

I would get her packing and ship her somewhere, anywhere, and get the grenades out of my house.

KG


I find this kind of attack the most insidious of all.  Not only does it serve to deflect the blame from its own guilty self, it takes the nastiness a step further by reducing the target to self doubt and if at all possible, a guilty conscience, hence putting itself back into the drivers seat.  I know we can't always oust these individuals from our lives, we often have to live with them, work for them, etc., but the less fragile we are the more we are able to throw the ball back into their court.  The hard thing is to respond without rage, because then 'they' have hit their target.
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

forever spring

Quote from: Ruth on April 16, 2012, 11:19:10 am
The problem isn't going away today and many days I just have to be able to tolerate pain and live some quality of life along side of it.  I try to just cherish the victories, and be a realist in knowing that I'm living in a world that more often than not isn't kind, isn't fair, isn't unselfish.


I agree one hundred percent.
I think we can only keep our integrity by being ourselves even in the face of adversity. Display kindness, understanding for the plight of others etc. but at the same time keep a watchful eye on people who exploit or even undermine our positive characteristics. Then we have to shut down. I tend to turn my back on situations where I can't win but I'm not sure whether this is the right way, and I admire you for entering the 'lion's den' for the sake of your son and expose yourself to so much pain, constantmargret. You did the right thing under the circumstances. I believe in years to come your presence there will count and after all, you saw your son perform well. That's a huge bonus and a wonderful item in your memory bank. We tend to forget the bad experiences in time, and that one will shine through.   :)

forever spring

And yes FB ruins lives, I agree, that's why I'm not on it any more! Beware!

Pen

I agree, FS. Even though I'm not on FB I hear enough of DS/DIL & her FOO's shenanigans through well-meaning friends who are astounded that our family is never mentioned in DS/DIL's posts, as if we weren't on that vacation or out at that event w/them. DIL's FOO is mentioned constantly. Too much pain for me!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb