Viewing ourselves thru eyes of others

[Pen]

I've been thinking about how we view ourselves through the eyes of others. If we have a tendency to doubt ourselves (or low self-esteem) we can be swayed by those who disparage us into believing we're not worthy. That would be me 

Yesterday I met with my longtime group of colleagues that has, after 15+ years, turned into a support group of friends/sisters. We share a few interests but we all differ in personality, approaches to problem-solving, childrearing, professional issues, etc. Ages span from late thirties with preteen or younger children to recently retired w/ adult children. Each of us are going through our own unique challenges and yet some of us have already been down a similar path. There have been surprises, disasters, lucky breaks, humorous incidents, failures and successes. We've discussed them all, given support/encouragement as needed.

I guess I always thought (ok, assumed) that when my DC (& that would now mean DS, not DDD for obvious reasons) grew up our relationship would be a little more like that. Not sharing the grisly details, obviously, but give and take discussions based on mutual love and respect. Even in my weird FOO we've had that, so it wasn't too crazy for me to think it might be possible in my family.

DS used to praise me to his professors and enjoy talking with me about all kinds of topics. Well, dynamics have changed. I've been put in a category (old, stupid, boring, not worthy of attention) by DS/DIL/her FOO. Hmmm, funny that my friends still find me youthful, humorous, well-read, interesting, lively, aware and fun! So I'm going to focus more on them and less on DS/DIL. I'm not going to judge myself based on how a couple of entitled, bratty, self-centered, rude, shallow people treat me.

[jill1963]

Pen,
So true, not sure i can word this without making myself sound pathetic, but we will see how i go  . Like you i feel i think I have low self esteem and am made to believe i am not worthy.
However unlike you I have very few friends i see and very rarely meet up and i am not sure if or how i could change that?
I assume by colleagues you mean people you have worked with or still work with, i dont even have that, being a member of the family who own the company i work with i am not seen as a colleague to hang out with anyway. I would love to be like you and your colleagues and am pleased you have got that support.
I would so like to have conversations like you say you have with your colleagues with my YDD but cant, because i feel i am walking on eggshells all the time just in case i say something that causes a blow-up. I think she loves me but wouldnt know for sure as she only ever says it after i have first texted her.
That i think is what hurts me most, i understand the thought she wants her own little family unit, and i dont expect to encroach on that if she doesnt want me too, but i realised the other day she only texts (and occasionally phones ) me first if she wants something and i dont think i have ever had a text asking me how I am, not expecting it everyday or even every week just occasionaly would be nice .
I would also like you say be able to have discussions based on mutual love and respect with her, she was never the easiest to deal with growing up but i did feel at one time we could have those coversations.... but not now. 
I dont deserve the way my YDD is with me, and like you i think she and her BF (soon to be DH) are being rude, shallow, bratty and they both want the world on a plate with minimum effort.
I have now decided i have got to get myself out of the bad place i find myself in today, blow a rasberry and say 'no more' to all the rubbish in my life, carry on with my weight loss (nearly 3 stone now) and start deciding what i can do for myself and the people who do show an interest in me.

Jill

[Pen]

Jill, our little support group knows how lucky we are. Years ago our fabulous former boss put together an awesome group & we've been friends ever since, even though many of us have gone on to new assignments. There has been limited drama, thank goodness, because we first & foremost treat each other with respect and care.

Perhaps you could you research groups in your area such as book clubs, charitable organizations, hiking clubs, etc. where opportunities for deeper relationships may develop. My former boss moved out of state, sadly, but she has developed deepening friendships w/people met in various organizations, classes and clubs.

It's hard to step out of our comfort zone, especially if we feel unworthy, but I urge you to give it a try. You may only find duds at first, but that 4th or 5th group might be the golden ticket!

Congratulations on your weight loss!! That's a great place to start an esteem boost, even if no one else around you seems to notice or care. (My DS/DIL never compliment me or mention my loss, although it is very obvious to others such as the group mentioned previously.) You've got this, keep going!!

[luise.volta]

I have two guys here at my retirement home that think I'm a fox! Of, course they can't see well or hear much but I'll take what I can get as a 85 year-old hottie! Perception is everything! LOL!

And I agree, Pen...discount what doesn't compute. Of course with the two guys mentioned above, I think they're right on! :-)

[firelight]

I can always count on you, luise, to make me grin.   

[Doe]

I've been put in a category (old, stupid, boring, not worthy of attention) by DS/DIL/her FOO.

Pen-

If not, I wonder if they are just incapable of seeing you as you are.   My DIL is very materialistic and I felt she looked at me through the things I own, the home I keep, the way I dress.  She spends time and money on makeup and clothes that and I don't.  When she looked at me she probably saw that I could use some eye shadow and it ended there.  (just guessing)

Once I took my kids home to visit my DF and his wife who had a girl about my sons' age.  We were getting ready to go to the mall and the girl looked at my sons and said, "Aren't you going to get dressed?"   They said they were dressed - they had shorts and tee shirts on, wasn't that enough?  SM and SS had bathed, dressed up, and put on makeup while we waited by the back door.  I never realized till then how they saw us. 

Anyway, the point being, I don't think that some people don't have the capability of seeing others for who they are.

[pam1]

Ok, this might be a little pop psychology so bear with me

I think there are some people who pick up on those with low self-esteem and prey on it.  They rely on those people staying in their place, not making waves and generally staying out of their way when they want to steamroll over them.  There's more than one type of predator and these are covert predators, more than one type of those too.  They can read everyone and instead of using it for good, they use it to get their way. 

I've seen them in action over and over again.  They can't act that way with people who will call them out, who will stand up for themselves.  And I think you've made strides Pen.  I remember a few weeks ago you gave a quiet no nonsense response to DILs old comments.  Have you seen her since then? 

Doe had some really good points too.

[Pen]

Pam, I haven't seen/talked to either of them since the "DIL will shoot herself when she turns 40" comments on my (large number) b-day a few weeks ago when I replied that she'll miss out on a lot of life if she takes that route, if that's what you mean. One very terse, to the point text from DS, that's it. I guess I'm in trouble, IDK.

[jan2808]

Very new to this website but very familiar with the topics!  I always say if my self esteem was based on what my children thought of me - I'd never get out of bed in the morning!

[Pen]

Good one, Jan!

BTW, welcome to the site. If you haven't already done so, please take a moment to read the pink-highlighted topics under Open Me First on the home page. We ask this of all new members to make sure the site is a good fit.

[luise.volta]

Welcome, J.! Very well put. Sending love...